Grateful

@Leo Gura Thank you I really appreciate the reply. Since I posted this yesterday I was able to find the aspect of myself that was stuck staring at the terror and integrate it. Feeling grounded again around the whole experience.

@RamPhoenix thank you for your response. It was almost definitely 8mg unless the scale was off. Torch and pipe for method. I’m a bit sensitive to medicine in general so I’m thinking you’re right about perhaps this dose being a bit too high for me. I have had prior breakthroughs with 15mg of bufo so perhaps the 8mg of synthetic was just a bit too high.

So I have had 4 prior breakthrough experiences where it felt extremely intense but the best way I could describe them is this challenging crucible of me disappearing and surrendering and merging into this overwhelming bliss. Every time was with bufo. This last time was the first time I tried synthetic and I used 8mg. I was a bit dissociated before beginning this experience. This time at the height there was this otherworldly terror and chaos and fear and madness unlike anything I had ever experienced. Eventually I managed to surrender to it and upon this “death” I did come back to reality in that newborn like state of full somatic release and bliss and was so grateful to have made it through. My integration on this one though has been a bit rougher than others. About 20 minutes or so after coming back to reality I went back into my dissociated state and from that state I could only really remember the terror of the trip and not the beauty and the surrender and the rebirth. It’s taken a few days and I have reconnected to my self and have integrated it to a pretty large degree. Feeling way more solid but still a bit shaky. I have had thoughts multiple times that the reason behind the terror was that it was synthetic and this would have never happened with the organic bufo. Other thoughts have me questioning was this really my first “real breakthrough” and was this my first real “death”. I am not a novice in the work whether it is through medicine or not but this has me questioning a lot. I am also wondering if I should take a break with 5meo for a bit and keep integrating or face this newly found fear I have with the medicine. Any insight, reflection or care on this topic would be greatly appreciated. Thank you to anyone who has read this far.