Hello,
I’ve been trying to work through some childhood trauma that I became aware of about three years ago. I’ve been doing a lot of things to help myself—therapy, meditation, journaling, and also MDMA couple times. I’ve also been re-watching @Leo Gura’s forgiveness video almost every week for the past four months. But even after all this time, I still feel like the trauma has a grip on me.
I get that healing isn’t something you can rush, and I’m trying to find that balance between working on it and not pushing myself too hard. But when you notice how much it messes with your day-to-day life—like never feeling rested or safe—it’s hard not to try to find better ways to get over it.
Here’s what happened:
When I was around 5 or 6, I had these twin friends who were a year older than me. We were really close and spent a lot of time together. One day, we were playing at my house, and out of nowhere, they asked me to take off my clothes. They started undressing me, this is where my memory gets really fuzzy. It’s like my brain just shuts down when I try to think about it. I remember hiding in a closet with them, and I think they touched my penis, but I can’t say for sure. The whole thing feels like a blur. Also one of them got naked as well.
For most of my life, I didn’t even think about this memory. It wasn’t until three years ago that I connected it to why I always feel so on edge and unsafe. Even now, it’s not something my brain wants to revisit—I have to really focus, or meditate or when I’m talking about it, to bring it up. I’ve started telling a couple of close friends, which feels like a step forward, but there’s still this shame that sticks to me before I start to talk about it.
I feel like I’m making progress, but wanted to get ideas if anyone else dealt with something like this? How did you get through it? What helped you feel like you were finally moving past it?
