Topann

I turn 24 tomorrow, and I also plan to end my life. My handgun seems like the best option, I don’t want to half ass it with pills or some other survivable method. I don’t believe life to be worth suffering, and I’d rather take a chance with death. Real death, not some psychedelic induced one. Because I’ve had those trips, and to be honest I’m not any better after. Just more confused and lost. I’ve been on the “right” path before, I know what it’s like to be aligned. But it seems to me that you’re only ever aligned so you can be thrown off course eventually. I’ve been disciplined, but I’ve lost everything. Money, friends, family, my job, my passions, and my will to go on or do ANYTHING. I mean I can barely leave the house now or talk to people I used to have conversations with. It’s not that these things are impossible for me, there is just zero interest in life anymore. Even the idea of trying something new is boring and stale. I don’t know why I’m posting this honestly, if you think about it just increases the odds that I may not die. I just know that I don’t want the standard response I usually see. “Don’t do it what about family/friends, or it gets better”. Or any other hippie dippy spiritual belief system that supposed to make me feel ok. I mean why is it such a taboo to kys, we all fucking die anyway. Most people will be forgotten and all of the stars will burn out.

Ok, to start I was following along to a breathing exercise video. The breath work was very relaxing to begin with, long and controlled breathing seemed to ease my mind and allowed a trance like state to come over me. I remember feeling my heart beat and the blood pumping through my chest and having a real sense of how amazingly complicated our bodies are to operate so autonomously. After that, a very subtle yet extremely strange feeling came up. Tightness in my chest, nausea, dizziness, and a sense that something was wrong. So much so that I had to lay my head down and eventually fell out of my chair onto the floor. This is really where language fails me, but the best I can say of it was it felt like I literally died and I lost all sense of time. Whatever this thing was, there was no distinction of anything but it also felt like nothing and eternity all at the same time, idk. I feel very confused as to what to do with this experience and I also feel extremely shaken up. Just looking for some additional perspective.

Hello everyone I am pretty new to the forum and posting, however, in light of my recent ayahuasca experience I thought I might shake things up a bit and get more involved with this community which has assisted my growth enormously, so thank you all . I suppose I'll cut right to it, I took a moderate dose and this wasn't done in the jungle and I also extracted the dmt myself from Mimosa hostilis (root bark) and combined with an MAOI. So not technically ayahuasca, yes I know, but dmt nonetheless. I have done this 3 times in past and always begin my trips with meditation and being mindful of my breath. The most daunting aspect of psychedelics for me lately is fear, fear of letting go, fear of the unknown, fear of what aspect of my shadow the substance will reveal to me. Ayahuasca made me address these fears in the first half of the trip, which definitely was not easy. I kept being told that I create my own fear and it really wanted me to understand why I do. I had a second dose prepared that I intended on taking around the 1-2 hour mark, however, I was very resistant to taking it once ayahuasca started shoving my insecurities in my face lol. I was essentially arguing with the substance as to consume the second dose or not. I was told "You need to take it, these are the kind of decisions define you". I chose to not let my fear control me and drank it. This is where the trip took a turn, I glanced over to my acoustic guitar was told to play it, and so I did. I picked it up and played without fear, without a need to be heard by any audience, and I poured my emotion into every note and chord. It was the most beautiful musical experience of my life. I kept being told "Music is your purpose, music is your purpose". At this point there are tears cascading out of my face, like, duh, I've been playing guitar for the past year and have had no trouble convincing myself to practice everyday, 3 hrs a day, and I never really considered it as a potential purpose. It was so clear to me in that moment that I wanted to pursue music that nothing else even seemed like it could compete. Post trip - I still feel that music is my purpose, and while I know this is a rather broad statement, it's more direction than I've ever had in my life and I will continue to refine my passion. I'm 21 years old and have been absolutely blown away by the results this forum and Leo's videos have helped me achieve in the past 8 months not only with material success but my spiritual understanding and well-being. Now, to get over my fear of singing in front of people :). I apologize for the lengthy post, but I hope others will benefit from this information as well. Would also love to hear any thoughts/advice from anyone else.