Joshuas

Introduction For the past months something is creeping on me. I’ve honed this down to four problems. One add-on for the intro, I tend hide my weaknesses with my strengths. My problems honed down ( underlined part = the core - The rest = further explanation) - My days lack structure, this makes me wander, waste time, stumble around and makes things feel meaningless. It disturbs my natural rhythms, I can feel that effect in my energy. My school schedule changes every 10 weeks or so, I’ve tried to set up rhythms around it, but I haven’t been able to make that stick well. - I’m afraid that I will never have a Romance/relationship. To me it doesn’t feel like not dating or having nothing going on, it feels like it will never happen anymore. This makes me act in self sabotaging ways and in general makes me feel more stuck then I have to be. I can concretely (self-sabotaging and feeling stuck) see how these two work against me, but this fear feels very real to me, the idea of being lonely forever sulks in me. - I am sticking to friends, even though being in that group and at the same time trying to work on my life feels like dragging a ball and chain around. They still trigger stuff in me that is entangled with destructive behavior which I’ve worked really hard on to work out. Being around them feels toxic. But it feels unjust to stop hanging out with them because they like me around, we’ve been friends for a long time and they basically did nothing wrong. They are more or less the typical stoner group (more or less). They did nothing wrong, but hanging out with them means being in an environment of everything that I’ve worked to undo (junk food binging, weed, binge gaming, it’s really more than just a lazy evening, it’s like marinating in toxic laziness). After such an evening I wake up terrible and my weekends starts of like drag. -I’ve been working to improve myself for the past three+ years and it feels like every time I get my hopes up, get inspired, try to take grounded action I end up getting slapped in the face some time after because I either ended up not sustaining the positive behavior or being indulged in the negative behavior again. This is really starting to get at me slowly more and more. I see myself as a resilient person, so admitting seems to me like being stuck without an actualize-able way out. How these problems interact The getting dragged down by my friends makes it hard to stick to good habits for a long time, making me not getting the big benefits they can have. Not sticking to these habits and not getting the results makes me insecure. That insecurity indirectly feeds into my fear of never having a romance/relationship, feeding into the self-sabotaging. Not sticking to these habits is also the reason my days lack structure. All of these feed into the getting slapped in the face pattern. How I am going to approach the coming period - I am going to try to be more genuine to people, If I’m not feeling good I won’t say ‘I’m fine’. - I’m going to face up to letting go of my friends. I have no idea how this will playout. I will start hanging out with them even less then I’ve already been doing. Even right now as I write this feels very harsh towards them. - I am going to work on getting a good grasp on the following three things: - Assessing where I am right now in my life. No judgement of the past, no desire for the future, just assessing who and where I am. - Understanding and going over what I can become. I want this to be concrete and realistic. This isn’t about dreaming, this is about understanding the playing field of the coming short and long term. - Working on crystallising my vision through journaling at first (before I’m going to start any new visualisation practice) Conclusion + asking for advice - Does anyone have any experience with letting go of old friends? And what was it like emotionally and practically? I do have other friends in my life in outside of school, it’s different then long old friends, but it feels well :). - Just in general, reading over all of that (if you are still reading, thank you so much!), what is your opinion and advice? To end it, things aren’t terrible for me, I have some things going for me, but this really damaged and hurts me. I won’t be able to go forward without working these problems out.

Contemplating Death, i think that could be some good advice. I am working to establish a sleep schedule aswell, which works well, works good. I've been making some steps for myself and feeling into certain things about my life. Commonplace book, got that going, work very good. Reading "make friends and lnfulence people" is on my to read list, i've heard many good things about it. I'm reading another book that is important for my life now. Considering my socio hierachy, my genes are good, I've been noticing more and more Epi-genes activating as i induldge myself in more diverse experiences over the past years. I would say i am an Expedient with the potential for Alpha. So i got some chance, but i need to get a what i call ''social engine" going, a working way to meet new people on a regular basis. About dropping out of school. Oh some though advice :). I'm almost at the end of a study, it's a bit long to go into, but choosing the study i did was by very specific desing. So finisihing that is the way i am going to go. Having said that, of course self-education is part of the plan and part of what i do on rather daily basis. @bejapuskas Thanks for the advice. Advice from me to you, don't wait too long with taking up dating, it's important you will find out one way or the other that learning that is an important part of your own growth. @RichardY Thank you for the advice my man. For you both, i am working to make some important steps in myself. I feel a time of renewal, centering myself, goining through and learning coming. Now i must work to act on that. I'll let you guys now how things go

Is there anyone here who went from 'having not much going' to having become decent at pickup/getting dates/dating? I could use some help because i just don't know how to make a good start. I see advice like 'if you go out and practice game 2 times a week you'll solve the problem in some months'. But the thing is... how the hell do i do that? I'm not interested in going out to clubs, because the clubs in my town are not great, there is literally no option for conversation, it's just people getting drunk (if all clubs are like that, how do you do pick up in such a place?) I would like to learn to get a conversation with a girl in a book store or a coffee place and perhaps that is where i could use some advice. How do i learn to do that? The town i live in is quite small, there isn't much good places to practice pick up, but if i where to force myself i could pick up some conversations. How was the beginning phase for you? how was it going through it? I really want to commit to learning dating, but i just feel like i have no way to take action. So i could use someone to burst that bubble and tell me about their journey.

How do I heal, and Break this seal, Of suffering and dread? How do I grow? Where do I go? I do not know, sometimes I’m just lost in confusion instead. I want to meet a girl, I know the world. I’ve had ideas of what to do, but much to show to you. But I’ve got some, Some stories to tell, Some achievments to presents, Some things I’ve made and done. The one problem left only is I feel so lonely. For I want a girl to be part of my world. I will get to work, it’s just, I feel like a bit of a quirk. I’ll find a way, despite that, a few times to come I will still walk astray. But for the problem at hand in my heart right now Inside myself I will bow. In order to reflect And find a solution So that I will, in some months to come, come to a better conclusion.

Form dances. (read wind at the very end as wind as in winding, like winding something up) All wind blows, All things change. With mindfull sight I see it all arrange. The world dances, As the forms exchange. In the pattern of beauty They rearrange. Time and time that all goes, By then fear & suffering & hate Away it all blows. In that tranvescent wind, Blowing on this infinite sea, I sail. On such Orchestra of nature I try to avail. Trying to grasp So, to become a noble vessel. So to one day succumb to the final Blow of natures wind And leave all of this In kind.

Nice, i like it.

I'm gonna try to work up my poems some. I hope we'll get some gems on this over time

It feels a bit like a maze. I like how you started the rhyming just a bit after the beginning and quit rhyming a somewhat before the end again. I'm gonna try to incorporate something like that.

@LastThursday "An ocean in a salty tear", I really like how warped it is. I try to imagine it, but it doesn't work. + I enjoy that you posted some poems , great!

A prayer of spring. I’ve prayed a prayer for spring Hoping to sprout a time of blessing. Out of an odourless fragrance This sprayer came Trying to grasp it is like saying a nameless name All I can say is imagine a lightless light , a shining transparency, o so bright In it the yellow green of spring leaves truly glows, it feels like the wind soothing a field of meadows. For now, the struggle of struggling has washed away. As all, it too was bound to decay. I've been seeking for the wisdom of spring as i've been trying to get onto the path of a kingdomless king.

@Psychonaut I really like Fly of Cry! The rhyming does make it very powerful. I've tried it a bit, still feels very new and rusty to me, but i'll try to create something somewhat elegant. Addicted to Pain is rather dark. If you want to talk, you can always message. Of course it could very well just be for the poem, in that case never mind. But if it's personal, i think i get it, hard times. I'll post one or two poems soon.

The jest of madness, the grey father of wisdom The jester of madness guarding depths. His knives are panic, his jokes are fear, his riddles spin your neurosis. His trickery was praised as a work of awe, by one who saw through. His jokes are laughed over, as Absolute hilarity, when understood. A bad friend, who tells you what you don’t want to hear, he is called by the wise. He drags you down to hell, looming madness & doom in your struggles This he does so that you can learn to face the darkness crawling in your hidden liars, this harlequin hasn’t revealed all her secrets to me. I’m just at the brink of facing this horror and seeing it as humour, just at the brink. But already some rest has been woven into the madness of his tales. And so, a haze of depth has been revealed, a feather of weight was held in my awareness, a door creek opened. In it the jester hides preparing ordeals to burn the rot so that one day the door opens. The grey father of wisdom, will stand behind the bowing jester both kindly, letting me inside. So that I can succumb to their lessons, to one day open Pandora’s box, to be taken into beauty and held by an eternal pearl.

The warrior spirit Your life is yours. You live the way it goes & it goes the way you live it. You are alone. Your world can never be shared, to you the world of another can never be known. You are an ‘I’ in a vast universe all on your own. That is the root of loneliness. You are an ‘I,’ the core of what It means to exist, the magnificent pearl of awareness, lost in the ways of the world. Face up to loneliness come to solitude, seek your own way, go to what calls you. don’t become foolish, stay grounded and strong. Don’t lose the worlds way in your strife for greatness. Become a warrior, Evoke your spirit and find your fire. Fight towards the life you want to live.

@Psychonaut Thanks for the feedback! Hope this will get going, a bit. I write Free verse poems, i enjoy these the most. Free verse poems do not necessarily have to rhyme. But I'll to to write one that rhymes . But i must say, i really suck at rhyming... I'll try anyways. Also, i would like to read one of your poems.

Life towers over us (last one for today) Life towers over us and we face up to it. It dances and we go with it. It sings and we sing along. As it comes it goes by. Looms over us and it passes. we seek and we fall. We come to find and get broken It’s ways are our mind boggling mystery. In which we’ll find our way.

The mystery of my contemplation Your being is our being My being is our being look carefully and you will see that so it is with all. It is what isness reveals, when deepened. My touch is your feel and my feel is you skin My sight is your eyes My feeling is adoration Your feeling is the mystery of my contemplation Your being is yours and my being is mine But where those overlap, we meet in fields of soul air

Such a dear experience Consciousness, such a dear experience, Always so intimately close to itself and always wisely loving to those who are open to its empty presence.

Nature, peace, solitude You feel the place where you want to be, nature, peace, solitude. Let things go, let things be, out of that a will that brings you closer comes. A will like a seed. No tree grows from it, it becomes a change of ways It’s a hunch that leads you, a bit closer to what you feel there is.

Being a great fan of journaling, here is the first poem on this topic written about journaling. Journaling. Embark on this journey, explore yourself, unpack your psyche, unveil your depths Dig at the vault of soul and bring forth your will and fear, dwell on your mysteries and dig towards sincerity. Illuminate in writing, let it be a guide to finding your way through struggle, hope, desperation and wellbeing. Purify and grow, transform and integrate. Let the acid of growth work through you as you Search your way in the way of things. He who seeks will find.