RobertZ

Why have I never heard anyone say, “Do not marry anyone who does not want sex as often as you do."?

Thanks for your responses. @mandyjw, your understanding is most kind and thoughtful. I especially appreciate your assumption that I am committed to healing. You must be the kind of person who brings out the best in others. I will consider your suggestion, @mandyjw, that the sexual discrepancy may have informational roots. I may have overlooked this possibility of misinformation because my wife and I are very privileged, educationally. My wife also enjoys pop culture and shows like Sex in the City and the Bachelor. I assume that her relative disinterest in sex is not ideological, but I never considered the role of information. Emotional constellations may have caused the sexual discrepancy (e.g., my own missing need for attention as a child; her childhood exposure to an abusive parent; the decisions she made to escape a relationship with a psychopathic individual). Counselling provided us with some assistance. However, I believe the issue is more likely to be hormonal. My understanding is that testosterone insensitivity or low levels of testosterone can cause sexual disinterest in females. @Emerald, thanks for mentioning the ordinary health safety of sex during pregnancy, in case. My understanding is that we did not have sex during pregnancy because my wife was disinterested. However, her health [i.e., post-partum depression] was also a factor in why we did not have sex for some years. @Preety_India, thanks for your perspective. Several online articles describe both partners’ emotional struggles—trying to help both partners understand one another. As you said, “marriage takes a shit ton of work”. However, I note the tragic dearth of available information on variance in sexual interest in the game of ‘no-cheating.’ It also makes sense that people who demand sex would often cheat on their spouses. Demanding sex—ever—appears to indicate immature arrogance and disrespect. You might be right that one-night stands are better for a person who would disrespectfully demand sex. Such an arrogant person may lack the maturity required to commit to life-long sexual love, respect, and honour. However, one night's advisability stands is beyond me because I have only had sex with one person. I am ignorant of whether sex with various people or sex with only one person is “better.”

No one answered before me. I adjure you in the spirit of joy: Do not get married unless you have talked to your partner about how often you need or want to have sex. At least ask the other person about this matter. When I got married, I had no idea about “sexual compatibility.” For example, I took a graduate course on married love and sexuality some five years before marriage. The class said, “Communication is essential in marriage.” Astounding! However, no one advised communicating about sexual frequency in advance of marriage. When I vowed, “I will love you for the rest of my life…” I assumed its sexual meaning. I failed to ask, “Sex every day? Twice a week? Two times a year? Six times a year?” I gradually found out about my situation, starting a few days after the marriage. The second day after the wedding, I was wondering whether we were going to have sex again? Nope. A marriage miracle: turns out, she was pregnant from the day before! No sex during pregnancy. Ouch. Postpartum depression: no sex after pregnancy. Double-ouch. Maybe things will change? How about another baby? I can only blame myself for my lonely disappointment. Presumably, I am getting a fair deal out of this family relationship; otherwise, would I not leave my wife and kids for a woman who wants to share this love with me frequently? Perhaps. However, I was sexually celibate for many years before my sexless marriage. So, I am slow to judge. ‘In great pleasure, a person forgets past pain; but in great sorrow, a person forgets joy.’ I have had my moments of happiness with my wife and my two kids. I still hope to serve humanity with the message that ‘Existence is good.’ I still hope to improve my physique, my intellect, my leadership, and my spirit. I asked God to take away my bitterness regarding this lonely wound. At least have a conversation with your prospective partner about how frequently you want/need/hope for sex. Further, I would generally suggest avoiding marriage with anyone who does not want sex as often as you.

An image of some words from your post.

Regarding self-development pain-points: - Personal: Fear of inadequacy. Most people have experienced embarrassment. Many people have experienced shame or humiliation at failure (e.g., inadequate knowledge). The fear of inadequacy is a personal pain point in my self-development. - Tribal: ‘Working smarter, not harder.’ People may lack the resources to learn new methods—and people around me sometimes act like one-trick ponies. For example, I frequently observed this in-person dialogue: two people would have a discussion, and both individuals would have a valid point. Both positions would generalize some personally meaningful experience or a contextually meaningful message from a trusted authority. Neither person would effectively affirm the point of the other person. Both people would get frustrated and repeatedly try to hit one another over the head harder and harder with their ‘point.’ Second example: I live in Alberta, Canada. Until COVID, I saw “I love fossil fuel” signs daily. ‘We need to work harder on developing oil, like the good old days (never mind that stupid-idiot-in-the-butt inadequate “renewable energy”). We have to protest harder and harder to communicate that Alberta has the cleanest oil development in the world. Never mind the Xenoestrogens in the fracking detergent. And please ignore the recent earthquake, where there is no geological fault line.’ - Society: When I listen to legislators debate in my Country, I cannot help think that politics is a sports game. The parties play off the indoctrination handed down by previous generations. ‘Those kinds of people have already made a mess of everything in the past, and here they are again.’ Sometimes, listening to other people is not easy. - Quantity: I do not know the research. - Quality: Tenuously, I think that some highly self-developed people may lack the integration of simple values like humility. New circumstances might expose fundamental flaws. Example 1: Diogenes the Cynic made a virtue of poverty. But a pain point, for some self-developed people, maybe that philosophy becomes a luxury they cannot afford. Example 2: One of Emperor Constantine’s sons wanted to rebuild an old Roman religion. He encouraged the priests of a certain god to show mercy and serve the poor, but this scheme of religious revitalization failed. The ancient religion traditionally taught about caring for the poor, but it lacked requisite respect for each individual's divine image (citations lacking). Example 3: Many people erroneously believe that the “dark ages” technically means the medieval ages, when even small villages built massive gothic buildings to tell poetry of light. St. Thomas Aquinas interpreted ancient philosophy of causality from the perspective that “goodness” is convertible with “existence” in the 1200s. As Leo points out, many people today never learn what the word “good” even means. Example 4: Communes are a mixed bag. There are many examples of small communistic communities—like families who share everything in common. However, some communes become like cults, and leaders become sexual and financial predators. Self-developed people may sometimes lack the integration of simple values like humility.

Interesting topic. I guess that my perceptions of 70-year-olds comes from a small sample size, and confirmation bias. I have not looked at the happiness research, but I imagine that designing research methods could be difficult. Do you measure anxiety? Ask people, "Overall, how satisfied with your life are you nowadays?" In good times, a person tends to forget bad times; but a person may have difficulty remembering or imagining happy times during bad times. A person could have a few experiences of immense happiness, but many dry moments. Or, a person might simply be content but consistently long for something. Even with frequent longitudinal data points, but comparing the responses of a 4-year-old and a 25-year-old could present its own difficulties.

Anabolic-androgenic steroids ("AAS") can be tools to gain respect and admiration from others and to earn self-respect as soon as possible. AAS (i.e., male sex hormones) are not all Red--just as female hormones (e.g., oral contraceptives) are not all Red. Many steroid-using physique competitors and bodybuilders calculate the risk of their male hormone use with extensive scientific knowledge. Of course, Physicians also use AAS in medicine (e.g., for burn victims). However, depending on the urgency of a person's need to integrate Red values to survive, I suggest that AAS can potentially integrate Red values and perspectives. For example, if an abusive workplace tears down the last shreds of a person's self-respect—anabolic steroids might be the magical talisman of the hero’s journey. "Dr. Tony Huge" is an example of heavily Red values and ways of thinking (e.g., risky human experimentation, sex counts, blingy chains, and unbridled ego). However, Tony Huge also facilitates higher values and ways of thinking (e.g., the use of psychedelics, information from many sources, and systematic protest against information-censorship).

Further to @Yog 's point about a vaporizer, you can also look at a home made object called "the Machine." It involves making a hole in a small glass bottle (like a mini alcohol bottle) and non-coated metal wool. The DMT Machine is an easy way.

If I would boil down some of my limited gym experience: 1) Develop motivation and a vision. Get stoked. Imagine your own desire for exercise benefits. Get passionate about whatever you're into: build, physique, strength, athleticism (whatever). Get interested in related topics, like diet, exercise, and recovery. There are tons of resources on articles, websites, Youtube, books, magazines, and academic literature. Exercise is an immense field of knowledge. 2) Slow and steady wins the race. a) Take a few months to lean into your limits. Injuries can set a person back a long way. Start off gradual--gradually build up. To start, any resistance at all should trigger significant development. To start, the most significant adaptation is neurological adaptation--your muscles are already stronger than you can normally use; but heavy weights will trigger the nerves to interact with all your muscle fibres. Within a few months, you may gain ~10 pounds--mostly glycogen storage and water in the muscle, that will makes the muscles look fuller. b) If you get an injury--actively study about healing that kind of injury. For example, say a person hurts their lower back: shooting pain from hell for months. That injury might set them back for a whole year--at least. Or, the person might discover that shooting lower back pain is likely reference pain from an atrophied gluteus medius--a fix that might take just a few weeks to actively recover. 3) Progressive Overload is the name-of-the-game. Gradually, the goal is to add weight (lbs) or numbers of repetitions to each exercise. Progressive overload is the #1 driver of development and progress. a) Be objective about progressive overload. At a bare minimum, use a notebook to record your exercises, the weights you use, the numbers of sets, and the numbers of repetitions. b) A cell phone app can make objective progressive overload simple. I have scoured quite a few hours for free apps--and there are some. Personally, I use a simple and highly intuitive app called "Strong". The app costs ~$50.00 CND per year. I have made far more progress in ~1 year of objective overload to meet or beat last time, than I made in several years of training 'as hard as I could' without objective measurement. c) Don't overlook the topic of proper Recovery, including (i) the appropriate use of failure during exercise (i.e., failing during an exercise because it is impossible, and not just difficult, to lift any more), (ii) Rest days (may vary), (iii) De-load Weeks (supports progressive overload in the long-term), (iv) nutrition, and (v) sleep. 4) The meat and potatoes are: deadlift, squat, bench press, row, shoulder press, and pull-up. Everything else is gravy. 5) periodically watch YouTube videos on proper form. Make notes about "prompts" (things to remember during the exercise) in your notebook / workout app, for future weeks.

The importance of money ties into the importance of property, as a social construct. Much blood has been spilt over money and property. However--perhaps more importantly--much blood has been sacrificed over money and property. People have spent their lives earning money; and some have died or nearly died to protect an inheritance. So, money can be quite important. Money enables efficient systems of trust between people. For example, I don't want to provide my cobbling services to you for your apples--but I really need a haircut. One limit on the importance of money is that money can, at times, corrode trust within personal relationships.

Thanks for the post. 'The need for survival leads to a lot of devilry.' The "need" to exist appears to be quite intrinsic to the pull of goodness. The drive toward existence is hardly short of goodness itself. Devilry, by contrast, could perhaps be discarded or condemned--but this question requires closer examination. 'Survival cannot be condemned entirely.' Definitely not. Why should survival be condemned at all? "Selfishness" is largely a survival concept of truth-force worldviews. We assume that unconscious selfishness--like that of an egotistical two-year-old child--does not deserve condemnation. The word "unconscious" is also highly ambiguous. If anything, it is highly "conscious" selfishness the devilry that we are considering. We cannot fault the drive toward existence--not even the egotistical and "unconscious" bullying of a two-year-old tyrant. Even devilry--some sort of physical or conceptual-ego selfishness that clings to its defects--would require an essential infusion of consciousness to deserve complete condemnation. This is an old debate, going back at least to Origen of Alexandria (c 184 – c 253), who suggested that damnation cannot be everlasting--but that even the demons shall be redeemed. The dominant view, however, became that it is theoretically possible for a will enlightened by the Spirit of God to eternally reject goodness; so damnation can be everlasting--even if it is not infinite in every respect. Everlasting damnation is better than non-existence, to say the least.

Some people comment on the difficult liminal ground, where a person fails to vape quite enough to achieve a full breakthrough. However, I think that small doses of DMT are very nice. If you have a context where you can take a little toke of DMT now and them, it can be very good for a regular spiritual practice.

Further to Jay Ray’s point, you could also look to what may be triggering this survival practice. The desire may be normal ego development, or something in your life may be triggering your need for respect.

I looked up your question because I also felt shame recently--certainly not the same as you felt--but I also wanted advice. Thanks, @Nahm for your advice. I will spare you the details; but I this is my reflection on my shame. My denial is an excellent place to start—once I am in a safe place, and alone. “To what extent do I trust myself? For example, is it safe for me to admit what I feel right now, and what I felt recently, and what happened?” The answer—whether I can trust myself--might not be obvious. I see my mind as a group of personalities who sit around and discuss (the harsher and more self-critical voices in my mind are there for good reason). One idea is a commission, to get some advice. This commission will be a sub-counsel of voices in my own mind “who will not break a bruised reed or quench a smouldering wick.” I want to think about my shame—and the only voices I want with ‘me’ are wise and kind aspects of my personality. We will consider the issue. These aspects of my personality will then bring a tentative conclusion or recommendation for the whole mind to adopt and scrutinize. Is there any part of my “wise” personality whom some humiliation won’t kill? The sub-group: How do I feel? Vulnerable. Like a part of me might be sacrificed —I’m full of denial— Dry mouth, racing heart, slow time, pain, tension, many fears, eye contact shutdown, feeling unworthy, and aware of my defects. Where do I want to go? Another way to this is, ‘what do I want to happen,’ or ‘What is important to me, in deciding what I want?’ I think I need to get granular about the values involved with my experience of shame. I am not trying to shut any aspects of my personality down, but there seems to be a problem. Granular is good. Leading up to the moment of shame, what was going through my mind? What was motivating to me? What was I feeling before the shameful events? Well, I wasn’t feeling perfect, but I thought that things were going pretty smoothly. Why wasn’t it great? Well, I lacked something. Bingo. And, is my whole mind going to blame me for needing something? What about the consequences of the shame? First, people have their problems and joys to think about, even if they remember that I made them feel bad. Secondly, ‘Do not leave your place. Gentleness can assuage great wrath.’ What roles do the following play in achieving my life-vision: (i) my motivation leading up to the shame; and (ii) the parts of myself that have to deal with the consequences of the shame? (i) My motivation to share my knowledge (my motivation leading up to the shame) is a massive part of my vision. Where was the context of the shameful event? Why was I there in the first place? Was I looking for a position? I identify with my thoughts. I lack confidence. I fear conflict. I need to improve my questioning. (ii) The part of myself that ‘has to deal with consequences’ could use some reframing. “What is my vision anyway?” .... Okay—I know what I need to do. I need to learn about [work-XYZ], And I can sell a vision doing [work-XYZ]. My mind will likely accept this solution to my shame. How afraid am I now? Less. I am still scared of powerlessness and not knowing what to say or do because of moral failings or my unbridled enthusiasm. Otherwise, I have to go back on more fundamental assumptions about my discretion to test life-hypotheses right now. Can I do this? I can start. What happens if I fail? I have much more skin in the game than I did last time I failed. I’m also taking a lower-risk approach at this new attempt at life. My cards are stacked as best as I can. I plan to have a strong foundation in family, physical strength, principles, knowledge, and kindness. If I "fail" I will fall like a falling ember or a burning match. What is my higher purpose? My purpose is to affirm the existence above, below, and within me. It may be that I am foolish and worthless. However, I have chosen my cards. Let’s find out what happens when I live like this. I am stronger for having gone through this shame. I’m ready to refocus on [...].

Rajneeshpuram--I couldn't resist : Isn't it true that you have never wrestled [in the WWE]? You have never judged a WWE wrestling match? Has a WWE wrestler ever told you that WWE wrestling is not real? You do not know whether WWE wrestling is real or not, do you?

Analyze alternatives with criteria. Make an X/Y chart. On the one axis, list the options. On the other axis, list the criteria (e.g., what is important to you; what you want; what you are concerned about; how you decide which option to pick). Try to generate a third option, if possible. Then, in the chart, write advantages / disadvantages, or use numbers, or use colours (e.g,. Red = bad, yellow = moderate; Green = good).

Also, you can use your criteria to evaluate your alternatives. I would probably reduce the number of the criteria (i.e., what is important to you; how you would decide what to do). You Could also develop the options with more detail. Then Fill out the chart--either with words (e.g., advantages or disadvantages), or with numbers (e.g, -5 is very bad, -1 is bad, 0 is neutral, +2 is pretty good). Then you can also Color code it (e.g., Red is very bad, Orange is a warning, Green is very good, etc.).

@Consilience when you say, “like I'm gun shy from really living on the edge of life, skating that abyss of failure” it sounds like you need someone to hug you and tell you that it’s going to be okay. Maybe I’ll just say this. Look for satisfaction in your work. Work is funny like that—I have often found myself procrastinating because I didn’t want to do something, Once I started, I found some enjoyment in the work. Look for that satisfaction in the little things of your daily work.

When you say “barely glaze a specific stage/color” I wonder if the person has ongoing needs that the earlier value meme supports? In your example, a person who had a traumatic childhood might lack feelings of belonging. Purple is great for belonging. As the person advances in other areas (like strength or scientific knowledge), they might have ongoing needs for tribal belonging. A person can probably “integrate” non-shadow aspects of earlier stages. That’s what I’m hoping, anyway! For example, I lack integration of red. So, I’m trying to develop my self-respect by bodybuilding.

Decimalization may be more effective than legalization—but that depends on the country. Legalization requires sufficient infrastructure and resources. Countries that struggle with bribery, for example, may have more pressing concerns than legalization, such as the imposition of the “rule of law” (that the law applies to all people—governors and citizens alike). Decriminalization might help to prevent discriminatory enforcement, for example, such as the disproportionate imposition of drug-prohibition based on race. I also don’t know how pervasive corruption is in Brazil. Decriminalization might make good sense in Brazil, if the country needs to focus its resources on pressing issues like reducing bribery. More developed countries may have a greater need for fully integrated medical regulation. Major concerns for such countries might include providing uncontaminated supplies or ensuring safe contexts for drug use. For example, how do we practically provide generous and liberal access to methamphetamine to populations in a way that the people will have the supports that they need? I’m not sure how robust Brazil’s medical regulation infrastructure is. However, my impression is that Brazil has more pressing needs than regulating recreational drug use. I hear about large-scale dumping of toxic waste, corrupt dam development leading to disasters, and wide scale deforestation In Brazil. So, decriminalization might be a more immediate solution to the drug war collateral—and reduce drug contamination to some extent.

Here are some reflections. The video points out that often-overlooked external factors have significant population effects. The difference between correlation and causation contributes to this paradox. For example, people born in families with top 10% income in America live, on average, approximately 12 years longer than people born in the bottom 50% of income (sorry, I forget the exact statistic). However, a wealthy individual might live long or short. Without specific evidence, we cannot conclude that wealth caused a particular wealthy individual to live longer. Or, a person might be lucky for being half an inch taller than the average height (suppose that height is associated with generations wealth). Still, a person’s height might have little or nothing to do with the person’s wealth later in life. The video gives some examples of people overestimating the effects their agency (as opposed to external factors). For most of the 11 astronautic candidates selected from 18,300 Astronaut applicants, a tiny amount of luck played the determinative factor in their selection. Even if luck played a tiny factor, luck was the determining factor (above hard work, skill, and other internal factors) for most of the successful competitors. Some people see their agency (e.g., hard work and intelligence) as the fair cause of their success. Even delusional beliefs in control are associated with success and social entitlement. An emphasis on extrinsic factors (like social determinants) increased likability and generosity. We look at the specific causes of a success contextually. “In conclusion, I want to thank my amazing friends and family for my success. I also want to thank my own intelligence and my long hours of work for my success. And I want to thank gravity for holding me down. Where would I be, without the fact that I’m half an inch taller than the average person in my community? I am so appreciative that I am tall. Come on people: my tallness is part of this momentous achievement. Let’s give a hand for my height. And a cheer for gravity! “Always be born in a first-world nation. And give me money because I am already pretty rich, and I pay it forward by creating the hope of obedient labour for unemployed people. Thank you.”

Summary I consider myself a psychedelic advocate, but I have questions and concerns about psychedelics. A Question What do you think (and I am not saying this occurred), if I made a vow, while I was on a massive dose of 5-MEO-DMT: 'I swear in the integrity of my heart and on my commitment to loving myself and being loved by myself for all eternity, that I will never take a psychedelic trip again'? I am not saying that I made that promise. If I tripped again, would I risk facing God again--with a broken promise? I would hope that I would love myself nevertheless. Still, the possibility bothers me. What do you think? Background I took 28 mg of 5-MEO, knelt down on a blanket, and bowed with my head to the ground, with the intention of understanding my life purpose. Come up: fear I had an uncomfortable awareness of an angel, who was not happy about my state (you may remember, one's heart rate can double or triple 5 or 10 after taking a big dose of 5-MEO). I tried to breath deeply and relax with an excuse: 'Maybe this is how people "decompress" and "relax" after a long week of work--watching some hallucinations of the carpet turning into swirling clouds fractal depths, and feeling the resounding ringing of the explosion of the universe through their body? Okay, maybe not... Peak: love Then I saw black static (like the buzzing static of a TV). God is just there--a consciousness of eternal black static. Then I saw black clarity. God's mind begins to penetrate open space through the static, with experience of self-awareness and eternal consideration. Then I saw the world, and what it means to be a brother (a memory of my brother saying, "this is what brotherhood is.") Then I saw my mother contemplating plants and vines. Then I saw that my neighbour would see me as a threat and kill me if I uttered even one true statement (e.g., describing how beautiful my life is would be dangerous); so I dissembled [and later gave him some wine to distract him]. Then I asked, "What is the purpose of my life?" And the answer came, "To love and be loved." 'Oh God! Love me forever,' I thought. 'And I will let God love me. And I will love. Let me accept myself for eternity--and let me be okay with eternal existence. Please God.' Coming down: fear I finished my prayer, and got up quickly. I felt a very judgmental angelic being watching me. I picked up the shambles of my drug paraphernalia, and pretended to be a respectable member of society. In conclusion, I do not remember swearing, "I will never take 5-MEO-DMT." However, I still destroyed the remaining substance out of irrational fear of the accuser. Concluding Reflection A few months ago there was an interesting criminal case, in the city where I live. A university student (all ready for business--straight A's and almost a professional hockey player) got drunk and ate some magic mushrooms. He ran away from his friends settling down for a movie in a house in a wealthy community, and ran through the freezing cold snow (butt naked), and broke into the house of a total stranger (who happened to be a ~50 year old university professor), and viciously beat her with an object--permanently destroyed her hand. Fortunately, she had the presence of mind to escape and bind up her arm, literally gushing with blood. This student also smashed into someone else's house. The student woke up in prison with his feet bruised and cut up from ice or glass. The court of appeal let him off innocent because he had insufficient culpability for his actions; nor did he belong in psychiatric detention once he came to. The court of appeal made some surprisingly accurate comments about psychedelics, despite the limited psychiatric evidence, such as: 'people who take magic mushrooms do not normally hurt others.' Obviously we can criticize this guy's ignorance for mixing alcohol with psychedelics. But without the mushrooms, this local professor would not have been maimed, and this local family would not have been traumatized.

“My heart overflows with noble words.” I feel like I should speak—but everything I say is so inadequate. People used to gather to listened to me. Speaking with a throng (no, not a thong—that’s someone else’s life) was my passing pleasure in the midst 14 years of solitude and desolate loneliness. (I wonder what wisdom the path of the thong can bring? Can sexual license generate immense gentleness, truth, and kindness?) Here is my grain of sand. It is a question: ”What is the best thought to dwell on for the terrifying duration of eternity?” Again, “What is the best thought to think about forever and ever?” Oh God! Grant that the best though may be mutual love forever and ever. Please God, let me love and be loved forever.

Sorry—I don’t say other people should ask these questions, or that they are good, or even that they are ten. I have so many questions: How can I love forever and ever? How can I accept love, give love, and be love? Will I accept being-love, even if I have to give up knowing, and I won’t understand things? Do I have to give up knowledge for love? How can I give up knowing in order to speak my truth of love? Can I really stay in love forever? What is the best and deepest idea to have, to stay in love forever? Is forever comfortable? Is it beautiful? Is forever too scary and horrible? Do I have the power to keep forever “okay?” Can I love forever and ever? Can I be satisfied with the good things that I have? Can I accept love and give love, and not be desperate? Can someone else take desperation, fear, and suffering for me—or do I have to suffer for eternity? Will I be able to be brave enough to show mercy? Can I show mercy without suffering forever? Am I destined to eternal damnation? Will I slip between the cracks of karma and lose my consciousness through my guilt? Will my worst fears come true? Will I be okay at work, even though it is hard and I feel totally inadequate, and I have not paid my debts to society? How can I move forward in my career, because I am getting so sick and unwell trying? Does work ever get easier? Will my experiences of work Finally kill My learning goal motivation and my curiosity to learn? Will I add value to others? What ethical system binds me? What is my wisdom? Can I make life easier and less confusing for others—like providing shelter and good water to people, and teaching them? Can I see the goodness in other people, and care about their struggles? Can I help people resolve conflicts people are stuck with? Will I do miracles? Will I heal people? Is consciousness really forever? Can other people save me and remember me? Did I have a higher being? Did I fall? Can I be happy? Will I be okay? Will everything be okay? Is existence too scary for anyone or will they get relief from goodness? If it’s really forever—am I in trouble? Surely they know my guilt, at a higher order of eternity?

I understand that St. Paul (Saul at the time) got angry when followers of Jesus said that God’s Law tortured the Christ to death. The Christ is the one smeared with oil (old fashioned moisturizer). The commandments of God tortured the anointed prophet, king, and high priest of God. This discussion pissed Saul off, and he approved of the imprisonments, bearings, and killings—such as the stoning of Stephen. Saul’s conversion to ’Paul’ focused on this theme. He was persecuting those ‘Others,’ but heard a vision saying, “Saul, Saul—why are you persecuting me?” This vision led Paul to understand that the Christians were the body of Jesus. Paul became fixated that the Father of Mercies who willed the death of Jesus, for us to receive the Holy Spirit. That is my understanding of Paul. He sees himself Primarily as a prophet, rather than a king or sacrificial priest. However, it is very illuminating to pull out the leitmotifs of a Paul the sacrificer, and Paul the king. Peace.