RobertZ

@levani H. A. Abramson did a lot of the research on the cross tolerance between mushrooms and LSD in the '60s. For example, https://bibliography.maps.org/bibliography/default/resource/1809 https://bibliography.maps.org/bibliography/default/resource/4463

Freud suggested a person can gain insight into his/her subconscious desires by writing down their dreams upon waking and considering where they saw similar images in the previous 48 hours. Some people criticize the interpretation of dreams as bringing too many assumptions to the association, suggesting that a person can equally validly use any images at all (I.e., images not from from dreams) to build associations and project assumptions about a person's desires. Whatever roles dreams might play, I think you are asking about the relative priority of what you want or need. For example, one author gives an example of his interest in carving wooden boats. Through the ups and downs of business, his hobby of canoe and boat-making grounded his life. People often take up apparently obscure interests, like model trains, martial arts, new languages, private devotions, or volunteer involvement to develop on the side. I'm not sure why people try or and develop hobbies or interests--maybe life circumstances, socialization, intelligences, psychology, and hormones play significant roles. Sometimes businesses use special 'bonuses' to drive labour. For example, after involving an unspecified number of employees in a network marketing pyramid, a business might promises a white BMW. This 'dream' of winning a white BMW could drive a person through years of undercompensated networking. Material image--like building a certain vehicle--can be a powerful motivator for people in some circumstances. Consider what interests you already have. Maybe it's not the "best" interest--but it is still a current interest. Is there any way you could develop that interest? You might also use models for classifying values or life activities. For example, the values of spiral dynamics, or some other categories, like (a) physical health, (b) intellectual growth, (c) community engagement, and (d) spiritual development. Maybe you want to set a goal and some acheivable objectives to develop a strength or weakness?

It's 100% okay to take psychedelics without meditating (Unless you are in certain organized religions or follow the discipline and path of particular teachers). Not everybody does every spiritual practice--and certainly not all at once. If you want to add some spiritual practice, you could up the meditation; but you have many options. There is the yoga of charitable service. Volunteering in hospitals, becoming a pen pal with someone in prison, soup kitchens, food drives, handing out water on hot summer days. And what about fasting? Some spiritual masters have concentrated their lives on music, dancing, or iconography. Of course, millions of people literally swear by inspired texts! Then, there are many ways to pray, if you lioe to pray:like, intercession, gratitude, praise, repentance, requests, and adoration. For example, check out a Taize prayer group. Taking psychedelics tends to be among the most personally meaningful experiences in a person's life. A lot of people get interested in meditation after they take psychedelics. You are not doomed to an interior level of consciousness just because you do not follow the same paths of others. Please be careful of those damn drug laws, my friend.

The rule of thumb for LSD is somewhere around 2 weeks after a full-blown trip to return to practically zero tolerance. I mean, you could always trip the next day with about a double dose. the third day in a row, you are looking at roughly quarter effects. However, Psychedelics can continue to have some effects even during tolerance. For example, the Stammets protocol is taking psilocybin mushrooms, Lions mane mushrooms, and niacin together 5 days on, 2 days off, to cause significant neurogenesis. Also, tolerance may not work the same at higher doses. I vaguely remember Leary going on about being stoned for well over 100 days straight (slowly chewing sheets of acid). Same thing with the notes of some producers. High daily. And let's not forget the month or two Dennis and Terrence McKenna survived in the wilderness on the flesh of giant magic mushrooms. Terrence was obviously messed up. But for simple doses, the rule of thumb is 2 weeks to clear the tolerance. But for LSD microdosing, twice a week is fine. For mushrooms, the tolerance period for a full dose is shorter--closer to a week. Microdosing mushrooms every day reduces the proprio-effects to nil by day 4. LSD and mushrooms have cross-tolerance. So if you get stoned on acid one day, and you take mushrooms the following day, the mushroom effect will be much less. Even a week after the LSD, the mushrooms will have decreased effects-eg. Day 1: acid Day 7: mushrooms Day 14: acid. The day 7 mushrooms might have whatever--say 65% effect; but the acid and mushroom tolerance together mean the day 14 LSD trip probably won't be 100%, but fairly close. You might miss some of the firework sparkles. Say you took mushrooms in the middle of a 3 week LSD gap--I Think the mushrooms will be slightly diminished, but the acid will be close to full effects. 2CB is a phenethlamine (a psychedelic distantly related to a stimulants), and I think phenethlamines are also cross tolerant with LSD and mushrooms--but it works on some different paths. I would not waste (or risk) a $100 mescaline trip on any kind of tolerance, but I've never had reason to look into the question of 2cb tolerance. I just took it here and there--and that was that. Probably 2CB has a fairly short tolerance period. You can always experiment with tolerance if you want. No biggie. There is just something magical to full-blown trips without tolerance--like a full-blown mushroom come-down--you really feel the beauty of existence. Come-up mushroom laughter or enhanced visual processing is pretty darn awesome too. So, There is something special to waiting for tolerance to clear. But really--what is 90% of an acid headspace?

Well Jordan Peterson does talk about DMT

Dear Spinderella, Hello. My name is Robert and I have been following actualized.org and studying psychedelics for approximately 7 years. You state that “it feels intolerable” to feel inwards into your fear of anger. I think we don’t need to talk about your emotional constellation of fear—because of your dignity and the psychological risks of probing. First, if you do not feel safe for any reason, please reach out to others. Laws (with teeth) to protect people from violence are emerging across the western world. For example, you can walk into to almost any common law court ex parte (meaning only you appear in court without seeing or communicating with the other person) and say you want to get a “restraining order” or a “protection order” against a person. You only have to write down what the person did to make you feel afraid, and you are almost guaranteed to win a court order. I don’t care who the other person is—a boss who yelled at you, or a person who burst a forehead vein when you broke it off. If a person makes you feel afraid, you deserve a court order. If that person crosses you twice—he or she belongs in prison. Next, I would turn to the topic of respect. What function does your fear serve, in terms of your (self) respect? At a bare minimum, you deserve to have a friend who will not only give you some beautiful jewelry after 5 dates—but who will also show up to work with you and hold your hand for a difficult moment like quitting. You deserve a person who respects you. If you have deep feelings of fear—please address those feelings only if you feel ready. But in the meantime, you deserve someone who will hold your hand through your fears. If you can get some exercise in, that would be a bonus. You deserve some nice things and a person who will respect you through your fears. As for how to not care—I would suggest with some preparation. Don’t give up on the helps that come from reason. Feel welcome to give a reason for your decisions, if you want to give the person a last chance to offer you a better reason to stay. However, other people reacting as if you are an obstacle to what they want is not a better reason than the reason you gave. If you don’t want to give a reason for the thing that might make a person angry, then love and honor yourself enough to know that you are making this decision without an articulable reason because you have a need or desire that you are still figuring out. It is okay not to have all the answers. Being human can be tough—but it’s going to be alright. You are a lovable, good, and caring person.

Religious exps Psychedelic exps - high 5-MEO or high mush Family exp - Making little people

Stimulants excite some people's nervous systems, but actually sooth or calm other people's nervous systems. Giving amphetamines to grade 1 kids is a very common practice. So, if your spiritual goal involves calming your mind, the use of coffee might have various effects on your thoughts. Coffee has a long use in some spiritual traditions. For example, in some Islamic and Christian monastic traditions, people ingested coffee to pray day and night on special days (for over a thousand years now, I think). Consider too, if you are trying to empty your mind or if you are trying to increase your consciousness of God. For example, in many religious traditions, mindfulness of awareness is not the only method of spirituality. Many traditions use meditative concentration on certain thoughts to release the mind in ritual logic. Forcing the mind to concentrate on certain images or words in a controlled fashion can induce mystical extacy. Playing a musical instrument is a metaphor for these spiritual practices. By restricting the mind to certain patterns and notes, the mind-body develops skill and practice to express itself "freely" through music. Similarly, by concentrating on ritual thoughts and intentions, the mind can become free. If you are going to a coffee shop and having some coffee, you might be developing an intentional spiritual practice. Finally, the health benefits of coffee are some of the most well-researched effects in the world. There is a study between several universities (I think Stanford, Northwestern, and another university) of over 800,000 people over a course of 18 years: the people were ~12% less likely to die of all causes of mortality if they drank 1 cup of coffee per day, and ~16% less likely to die of all causes of mortality if they drank 2-4 cups of coffee per day, than if they drank no coffee (over the course of the 18 years). Decaffeinated coffee had similar health benefits. We cannot definitely say, "coffee makes you live longer" because it's practically impossible to do a double-blind placebo controlled study on coffee. Even most of the people who don’t drink coffee know what coffee is.

I don't know about PMS, but I had "success" in controlling my sexual urges with sincere belief in damnation for genital activity outside of marriage without contraceptives. So, a disciplined resolve worked for me; but experimenting with sex hormones (with a physician) seemed to be more promising and helpful in modulating sexual urges. Testosterone is a core driver of sexuality inbity men and women. For example, a certain amount of testosterone (e.g., some cream on the arm) can significantly increase a woman's sexual desire. In my experience, that there is a goldilocks spot, for testosterone, though, for DECREASING sexual urges. Obviously, high testosterone tends to increase sex drive--in a comprehensive sense of "sex drive." If sex hormones are too low, I get desperate sexual urges (Like the desparate urge to live at the verge of death). If sex hormones get REALLY low, yes, sex goes off the mind--but only due to debilitating feelings of being overwhelmed. So the lowest sex urges occurred when testosterone was not too low.

One of the ways I might overthink is getting overwhelmed. I find writing down all my worries helped with feeling overwhelmed; and my releif showed me that these concerns had probably been on repeat--round and around--in my mind. When I get overwhelmed, of course it impacts the emotions of the people around me. My wife responds, "Your thinking about everything at the same time!"

Nice statement

From the perspective of an ameoba or a proton, the television screen does not 'appear' to be 30 centemeters away. Naturally, I do not have a galaxy or an atom’s perspective on space. Taking on alternate perspectives can help me to understand the relativity of things; but I also have a limited perspective of space (and territory) rooted in my instincts and socialization. There is also a distinction between an infinity of potential perspectives and infinity of actual perspectives (as if infinity were a number). For example, take the thought experiment of a cup falling to the ground. Before a cup falls the whole way to the floor, it has to fall half way, right? Then, once it falls half way--it again has to fall another half way of its current distance from the ground before it can fall the whole way. So, on and on--before the cup can hit the ground, it must reach half of the way of the distance, and then half of that distance, and then half of that distance forever--before it ever hits the ground. Therefore, the cup will never hit the ground because it must pass an infinity of locations (never mind the nature of atomic distances). This thought experiment conflates the distinction between potential 'halfs' and active movement. Another way of looking at the problem is lthis: First, the cup potentially touched the floor; then it actually touched the floor. There are potentially an infinite number of perspectives on my distance to the TV screen. My eyes are potentially 30 cm away from the screen--first my eyes are >30 cm from the screen, then they are <30 cm away from the screen... It's not "absolutely" true that my eyes were 30 cm from the screen because my eyes, the tv, and space have relative existences. Amid the possible perspectives on the space between my eyes and the TV, maybe it's just extremely lucky (approaching infinitely improbable) that the space is 30 cm--but as luck has it, my eyes were 30 cm from the screen; or maybe it's approaching absolutely necessary that the distance must be 30 cm (e.g., assuming many alternate universes). However, neither the TV, nor my eyes, have an absolute existence. In some sense, 'there is no eyes or TVs.' At least I can say it is false that my eyes are 30 cm from the TV 1000 years ago. People even say that space itself can change in other dimensions, such as actualizing over timebending in relationship to gravity.

Narratives of the cycles of abusive relationships abound in the cultural ideasphere. Controlling and authoritative behaviour is a red flag for domestic violence. “Screaming anger and fear" also indicate dysfunctional dynamics including a lack of safety, a lack of belonging, loss of respect, a lack of integrity, and so on. Domestic violence tends to be highly persistent, individually and intergenerationally. There are deep cultural memories of abusive relarives who returned sweet or apologetic, only to rear abusive once more: the 'cycle of domestic abuse.' You also describe flat affect and something 'missing.' That 'loss' does not sound like integration. Leo talks about boundaries in abusive relationships. Listen to Leo's recent episode, "How Modern Branding Exploits and Abuses You" for advice on boundaries--especially regarding second or third transgressions. Leo talks about the necessity of establishing boundaries. Cycles of domestic abuse tend to be persistent. Yes, people can change. Genuine religious conversions are well-known. Even violent alchololics have been known to take up the responsible use of alcohol. Some people alter their personality traits after the age of 30. Be careful. I wish you and your relative all the best.

I heard some happiness research about income—there was a correlation between some common measurements of happiness and incomes. I think maximal happiness was around $80K/year, or so. I imagine that many ways of earning $80,000 per year would require some ability to accomplish tasks. So besides the rewarding feelings of accomplishing and owning one’s work—getting tasks done might contribute to happiness by way of income. I am unfamiliar with any research on the question of happiness through the effects of task completion on income. Aristotle classically talks about happiness through work, versus through philosophical contemplation. He suggests that a person works in order to have the leisure to philosophize—a person does not engage in leisure merely to work (perhaps a person engages in mere amusements to work harder). The greatest happiness comes from the most useless task—something done for it’s own sake, and not for the sake of some other purpose.

Sometimes knowledge can cause intellectual suffering. Moments of learning that caused me to feel the pain of my ignorance made me really feel this sentiment, “ignorance is bliss.” I wished I had never learned any of [this]. If I hadn’t learned [this], I might feel lost and confused at some points in my life—but I would avoid the intense intellectual pain of more acute identification with my thoughts. another aspect of knowledge is simplicity of life. Panic might motivate me to a greater or lesser degree, even if I learn more.

The other thing is sometimes I wonder if the info doesn’t go in one ear and out the other? So, producing information or content can sometimes assist active rumination of content (e.g., draw a diagram of the info, record one’s self talking about content, or writing down whatever is on my mind). Although I’m not strong on intentional times of contemplation, I sometimes feel like simply dropping 20 minutes of consuming content gets replaced by absent-minded day dreaming and thinking the same thoughts over and over again.

@kinesin Your suggestion of Prometheus Rising is modelled by the concept, ‘nice!’ “Whatever the thinker thinks, the prover proves.”

The mind has natural self-healing processes. One of the things that can happen in contemplation (especially as I become familiar with a style of contemplation and abandon myself to the process) is that subconscious material can begin to emerge. For example, emotional constellations of humiliation or disrespect might emerge in the form of symbolic imaginations. Disrespect can cause anger, as can many obstacles to our needs/desires. So, in the context of the contemplation, the mind processes some amount of the difficult emotion, attitudes, or thoughts. The word ‘process’ involves understanding the difficult emotion and developing new responses to the memory. For example, a memory heavily-laden with trauma and fear in the hypothalamus may cause further fear and damage to the limbic system every time the memory begins to emerge from the subconscious. A person might avoid contemplation for a time, to avoid the risks of recollecting memories or emotions—at this point, a person could use therapeutic help. The mind has natural healing processes—including psychotic breaks. Another good practice is a thought journal—spend a few minutes and simply write down eveything you are thinking of (worries, angry thoughts, or whatever).

No answers here, only ramblings. “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.” Maybe ‘our path is laid out for us’ in that, each in our own way and together collaboratively, we reach higher and higher heights? I was thinking of a similar question: ”Why do I want to do some things, and not others?” If my life is a manifestation of God’s existence or mind—then what about things I like to do, and the things I don’t like to do? It’s a trickyvv Bc question, and not just because we have deeper and more authentic desires. Say right now I want to watch another episode of TV, but it is 2:00 am. I have work tomorrow. And I want to be a better Dad, and love my family more. I’m sure sleep will be sweet. Then I see there is a load of laundry that requires hanging. I don’t want to do the laundry—but I should, or it might not smell fresh. So, I hang the laundry. Then a little more fun. Finally, I’m tired and I genuinely want to sleep. But not soon enough—because I’ll be tired in the morning. I didn’t do what I was ‘supposed to do’ and go to bed early, fir another day of toil and labour. “What is the difference between things that I want to do and things that I don’t want to do?” Does God “have” to do a certain amount of suffering, in God’s existential nature of eternal life? Does God kind of split up the necessary representations of God’s pleasure and suffering and divide it between laundry and TV, work and play, sex and torture—and portion out the difficult and suffering? “Growth requires change.” Fine. The inevitability of work for a wage-slave is an example. She does not like her work—but the work pays the bills; and she has to do the work. She tries to get her share of pleasure—either by doing the “right thing” that she feels will give her the best outcome over the course of life, and she does hundreds of new tasks (that she does not want to do) to start her own business. Or , she looks for a break in too much alcohol and TV—whatever. The things I don’t want to do are often the very things I “should” do. Not always: Sometimes, the right thing might be to have a little fun. If I reached the greatest possible saintliness in my situation—whether always by doing the most boring and difficult thing, or maybe having some fun (but never perfect hedonism?) — a life of saintliness. Maybe this life would bring about something truly great. On the other hand, let’s suppose I fail at 5 steps along the way. I made some poor choices. Presumably, I would not lift the mind of God to higher realms—either until some other person came along and reached greater perfection for me, or I found redemption through a heroic decision, and made up for my loss. Or, maybe a new opportunity would come along, as a result of my malfeasance—something different but equally perfect great in its unique way. “Oh, happy fault, that gained us so great a redeemer,” Aquinas wrote. I don’t know if I end up in a better position because I made poor choices than I would have if I always followed ‘the path laid out for me.’ All I can say I that there are, in fact, some wonderful things—maybe everything really is perfect no matter what. The difficulty of engaging in the “right course of action” seems plagued with frustration. Many times, great efforts to change and do the right thing result in bad outcomes—weeds and dead fruit. I try to grasp at those wonderful things—like recommitting myself to love the amazing people around me—but again it becomes difficult. It seems that I don’t do the things that I want to do, but I do the things that I hate. My innermost self rejoices in the truth, but I find in myself another law—a law of missing the mark.’ I don’t know. Maybe it’s all good. Maybe My toil and labour is vain—a pathetic and pointless lot. I try to enjoy my work and I find some joy in it (once I get going on the undesired tasks). Maybe, it’s just my lot to struggle for a little while, after death, maybe I’ll be confirmed in my embrace of the difficulty and pain of existence and I’ll be “free to do the right thing” as the verbiage goes.

Nice passage @Hulia

The tendency toward existence transcends particular values. The drive for living beings to subsist, for example, or a community of gorillas to control individual sexual activities, or a person to perform an interesting activity with competence in a flow-state—we can try to describe or categorize the drive to exist. Certainly, the environment contributes to human resilience—humans are emergent systems of the world, like clouds. Yeah, I can say I want to have a comfy life by robbing people—but there may be psychological, social, or even physic systems that end up promoting the duration of my life by impeding my robberies. “If not for this guy coming into my life and terrifying the hell out of me—I would have ended up dead or in prison , for sure.” Besides the material connection between events—‘but for this traumatic event, I would never have stopped my crime spree’—we also identify moral causes. Like—the guy who terrified and traumatized me into stopping crime—maybe he was busy torturing puppies or something—and he was an example of where I did not want my life to end up. Or, maybe he was standing around the corner in a dark alley heeling some kid who took some rec drugs laced with a OD of opiates, and he just happened to scare the hell out of me as I got ready for an ambush robbery So, we do tend to identify material causes and the moral actions of other agents in these narratives. Our existence is not just a product of “my” individual choices. There are innumerable systems promoting my existence. A dysfunctional or toxic sexual relationship? There are social norms, instincts influencing whether a relationship will promote the human community. People even selectively identify patterns that fit their beliefs. For example, just as the relationship with the young toxic woman did not ‘work out,’ neither did the potential sexual relationship with her sweet elderly grandma work out, either. Is it possible that there is a vastly intelligent being who is particularly interested in you, ruling, enlightening, or guarding you? I like to think so. It’s possible that innumerable angels exist—maybe even each a unique species unto itself. Who are these agents? Why do they intervene? Why do some kinds of values and moral actions impact other people and the broader environment? The saying, ‘all things work to good for those who love God—who are called according to His plan,’ I guess you can interpret it as true. If I love God, I am doing my little job of promoting existence—maybe not my individual health though, or even the children in my community. Coincidence and synchronicity. Subjectively, I sometimes ask, ‘what are the chances that a particular event happened in such a way, with such an effect? The coincidence feels personal and planned. What are the chances that I should exist, with fingers and eyes here now? The likelihood seems to be necessary but ineffably unlikely.

That sounds brutal. So, you’re fortunate to have a job—but you are not earning a LP fortune. Why do I suspect the situation is more complicated? How do you go ahead thinking about this situation? So you value dating, socializing, life purpose, not feeling too tired to do those things, and you value having a job. Having money? Or having a sense of safety? Seems like your reference to ‘buckling down and working harder’ is only going to get you so far—or backward. Do you really NEED (back) stability or do you really WANT the ‘lifestyle?’ You are talking as if dating or socializing is your life “purpose” but you seem to be assuming teleological elements into your definition of purpose. Reproducing is a ‘purpose.’ Charity is a ‘purpose.’ Learning is a ‘purpose.’ But Socializing? I’m not saying socializing or dating is not your life purpose. Are they?

There seems to be a tipping point. Like a person can go ten or twenty years drinking moderately, no problem. All the sudden, binging becomes less nauseating and much more sweet. A slippery slope and a worthy adversary of the human race.

Sorry I only have very little direct experience with BPD, and I have heard very little about it. Sorry if my reflection is likely off-base. This is simply a reflection. 6 years is a long time that you overlooked the ‘negative signs’ in the relationship—presumably in excellent faith—and sounds like you said something about ‘the rest of your life.’ That’s a big deal. Now you are questioning your trust—I notice you did not say that you doubt your Partner or the substantial disorder of her thought, perception, memory, or mood that grossly impairs her capacity, judgment, behaviour, or ability meet the ordinary demands of life. You don’t distrust the disease (which has been well-treated in some very severe instances—maybe taking 2 years of non-stop in a psych ward for paranoid delusions to really pass?): you don’t trust yourself. I’m sorry to hear about the suicide attempt. I can’t imagine how that exp might have threatened your own life-of-love (the woman who fills your life), disturbed you, or generated doubts about your goodness for her. Never mind the effect that leaving her might have on her; You are not asking, “will it hurt her if I leave her? Will she kill herself as a result of me abandoning her, especially at in this vulnerable moment of sickness?” You are asking if your being-with-her is good for her or for you. That you might not be good enough—to be loyal through the difficulties AND the easy times? Wait—you see a very reasonable path out of any aspects of the relationship you profoundly didn’t want, and toward things you always needed and wanted—and the good people around here are, saying, ‘Leave her if she’s having paranoid delusions,’ or ‘leave her if X Y or Z.’ Consider the wisdom in what they’re saying. They are going out on a serious limb and telling you to cut…her…off…from your goodness. She’s draining you, isn’t she? Surely, when she said, “I love you,” you did not think she meant, “…and I would kill the person you love most.” Just listen to what the other people are saying! They are eloquently elucidating a reasonable escape—not only can you tell yourself that the escape makes sense, because there is a rational continuity of your inner sense-making, needs, and authentic desires—but you have a pretty darn good crack at convincing other people that the separation makes sense—if not categorically, at least by virtue of the fact that you will have moved on from her years from now, and living a great life. But if you do not leave— “a never-ending rabbit hole of codependency, pain, and falsehood.” ‘I should have, would have, could have left her years ago!’ But you hardly have to mention it—you do love her, and you absolutely do not want to break up: So you doubt…your love. Pause—you left something out. You left out how you ‘shouldn’t have, couldn’t have, would not have broken up with her,’ right? You did not mention the sincerity of your love for her in the past—and the perhaps twisted and immature logic of a love more simple and pure. You felt a love that despises, “Would not, could not, should not!” So what, if she was messed up? She was freaking hot and beautiful and amazing—Why not throw away your heart with reckless abandon? Love is simple, right? Love is pure. ‘Love believes all things, hopes all things. Love never ends.’ You don’t trust your love because—you failed to mention—you already trusted love once—and see where it brought you? Love brought you here, my friend—to the precipice of the death of love (and perhaps to a journey beyond the death—that God loves no matter what). Let me tell you some brutal “advice” I heard that St John of the Cross, in the Dark night of the Soul, allegedly provided in some context or other. ’Discern the spirits. Do not make a decision in a state of desolation, but decide in peace—you made a decision in clarity, peace and joy. So Don’t change your life course in desolation.’ Yeah—I’m not saying it is good advice. I’m just citing it. So, let’s try applying this alleged advice: you made a choice to give your heart to your GF in a moment of simple and genuine love—come what may. And, in the depth of your choice of life-with-her, you overlooked a thousand red flags. Things became more and more desolate until…bleak suicide. Now do you abandon your pure love? Look my friend. I’m an N of one. If you want to know what I did—I kept going with the difficult situation beyond the point of no return, as things became more and more depressing. I hate to say it but I…got something out of continuing to live. And when I finally betrayed my path—I faced unexpectedly-real social exclusion, depression, and a loss of faith. I became what I secretly condemned in my heart. I did not condemn others—I condemned myself. I got a 7 to 14 year-sentence of moral distress. Sorry, my dear beloved St John of the Cross. I finally made a decision in bleak depression beyond years of tears. Maybe my analysis was wrong. Maybe I heard the advice wrong. Maybe the feelings of unease were supposed to be a new sign? Or, maybe I really failed in my highest calling in this existence. Now I will lick my wounds and get up—just some guy who used to love, or maybe I’m some guy who is more amazing and weird than I ever could have been. Maybe it is our destiny to delight in guilt. No one is going to slap you across the face and say, “DAMNIT MAN! Pull yourself together. You made a commitment.” Wait—actually there are some people who will say that—and you can come up with some bullshit analogy like promising to love an abusive and toxic person. But maybe you should ask those voices where they were when you were struggling with these red flags in the past—and where were they when you were looking for a non-borderline friend? Go back to your sincere love and choice to embrace your GF. Look deeper. You have already made your choices to stay with her. Now you must choose again. What about the excessively wise who died before their time? Plato loved democracy too much—he trusted the majority who said he should drink hemlock—so Plato drank it.

What we know seems to be imperfect. My knowledge is rooted in my limited experience and individual instance. I can observe my experience and ask other people about their experience. In western medieval philosophy, ‘how’ is a subset of ‘what.’ There are four components of ‘what’: potential, agent, what (proper), and for what purpose. The word ‘how’ measures the reduction of ‘potential’ into the category of ‘what.’ For example, a person burns a piece of wood into ashes to keep herself warm. The wood has various potentials—including a reduction into ashes. Scientific ‘how’ measures the very complex chemical processes of ignition. There seems to be more speculation in the question, “What is fire” than in human knowledge of the chemical reactions involved in burning, or in the purpose of fire. As The angel told Descartes in a dream, ‘The dominion of nature is in weight and measurement.’ To me—do you prefer to spend your time thinking about ‘how’ or ‘what’?