Espaim

I used to take Lexapro for anxiety. I took it for 8 months before realizing what I was getting into. Exercising was so fucking hard on it and I didn't enjoy doing anything. I think that maybe I got even more depressed than before trying them. I only thought about suicide while on antidepressants(lol). After all that, I discovered that the source of my anxiety was caffeine and I just cut it for good. My psychiatrist said I could just drink coffee and that there was no problem After I stopped taking it I had like zero motivation or sex drive for one year or so. If I could, I wouldn't even take the first pill. No regrets though. If I haven't done that I wouldn't find psychedelics. I only started recovering properly almost 2 years later. I juggled with some nootropics here and there but with low success. Currently I started microdosing LSD to see where it takes me.

Those seem like limiting beliefs. If you can read this sentence, you can develop all that. I somewhat know how it's to be lost. With the help of psychedelics and figuring out my blindspots I'm getting back on the track slowly. After starting this work my motivation changed a lot for sure. The structure of my thinking changed, so changed my goals and vision. I would say you are probably now way better theorized than your older self. Nevertheless, the same changed thoughts and too much theory can be setbacks to your development. Maybe reconsidering your use of psychedelics could help you sorting your thoughts out. Microdosing or low dose trips. It's important you try new ways of looking into your situation as that may give you powerful insights. Psychedelics make it easier to see yourself from a detached perspective, as you probably know better than me (I haven't tripped that much). Also, do you have a dream board?

After reading this I noticed I'm lacking the goal-setting skillz. I used to be so productive but something happened in the way and I went totally lazy. Now I think that maybe I lost my ability to set meaningful goals. I watched so many of Leo's videos but some of the basics went over my head. Thanks!

I currently have around five DMT trips in my belt. I find DMT (vaped) to have distracting visuals and is too short. It kills the ego pretty well but there's little time to contemplate or meditate. It's BAM IN YOUR FACE then gone. I never tried Ayahuasca or Pharmahuasca. The short lived characteristic of the experience could be a positive too lol. ATM I have a lot of free time thanks to the quarantine. Maybe DMT would be better if I was pretty busy.

It's not bad nor good. It's what you make it to be. I don't find value in it for consciouness work. I prefer to take psychedelics. If your goal is to get high, then use the tool to get high. If you want to do consciousness work, use the tools to do consciousness work. Have you explored other options to help you sleep? Weed affects sleep too and maybe you'll be getting faster or more sleep but with other negatives.

Yes Meaninglessness isn't necessarily negative. That's a meaning you attributed to it. I went through something similar some months ago but to be honest my whole personality changed. I don't even know how I arrived at where I am but the awakenings I had had a great amount of influence. The mood swings stopped but my motivation for doing or not doing things changed a lot. I'd recommend you to watch those videos:

65 ug got me fked in the ass. I had the almost the whole buffet of realizations possible on a trip(although I already had some realizations on other psychedelics and while sober). I'd recommend to start low and go up. What if you are as sensitive as me and you transcend your human body with 50ug?(lol)not that it would be a bad thing but who knows?

After watching "How to stop moralizing", "How you lie" and "A rant agains morality" and reading Radical Honesty I dropped many of my shoulds. Not because I should but because I noticed that dropping my demands on myself is something I really wanted to do but didn't now exactly how. What happened: now my mind is much quieter. WOW. There was always a voice in my head judging what I was doing and now it's way quieter most of the time. The thing is: my motivation, which was not that great before, went downhill. I find myself now browsing the phone and napping much more but I just don't care. I'm not following my schedule. I am eating much more junk food. On the other hand, every move I take seems to be so much more smooth. There's no need to should myself into doing anything. I can just watch my body doing it's own thing. That's weird for me. I was always oppressing myself into doing my daily tasks and I was pretty miserable. Now I don't do almost any and I am way happier. Is that how dropping shoulds is supposed to work? Is my productivity going to come back? Yes, I'm worried. I'm starting to imagine negative scenarios randomly where I'll be a homeless bum if I don't do what I was "supposed" to do. All my attempts to build discipline were based on shoulding myself to death. I don't know what to expect, really. Am I putting the cart before the horse?

He seems pretty motivated. Didn't do it for me though. If I remember correctly, when I posted this I was on Modafinil. Holy shit, so much anxiety. I'm not that worriful at a normal day. I guess I'll need to figure out by myself how to get out of this rut because even when I'm on stimulants I can't seem to be able to do any significant amount of work. I think I have some underlying health problem unadressed. It's like my body and mind don't follow up to each other potential. I've been struggling with this for a long time. I was planning to go to a doctor but now all "not urgent" healthcare is not available in my country and I don't have money to go to private doctors. I already went to psychiatrists, neurologist and a GP but that didn't help significantly. I've already posted about this on this forum. I didn't give up though. I'll do what is within and out of my reach to figure this out. My dreamboard is getting bigger but the motivation and discipline is still low as fuck. I'm sleepy and tired almost all days everyday.

Are you getting enough sunlight?

@Elham how are you doing now? I have been experiencing the same symptoms. I'm thinking about buying a vitamin d supplement.

Already did months and my energy didn't increase that much. When on caffeine I would crash very hard in the afternoon though. Now the energy is constant throughout the day. Take into consideration that stimulants generally only get me high; I get almost zero productivity increase. Good luck!

Thank you for this topic!! I didn't follow the advice literally and used a chalk board Things are starting to click in my head but the big bang hasn't happened.

@remember Have you done that shift? If yes, how was it? I'm starting to get what real wanting means. Some of my goals come with a hidden "should" and others do not. It's more like an intuition. My Dream Board is helping a lot. I think I'm going to give attention to those goals which have no should attached and see what happen, regardless of my own fears.

@Austin Actualizing Before the trip: I always felt that I couldn't hear or see everything that was present in my awareness. I would look to an object and it would feel like there was a fog between my brain and my eyes perception. It felt like when I looked at a mountain I could only process a fraction of it. My peripheral vision almost never worked well. When I smoked marijuana, I noticed that I could hear the distant sounds of cars, birds, etc. When sober this never happened. When studying, I felt like I would read a sentence word by word and when I read the next word the previous words would be deleted from my memory. This was the extreme case though. It wasn't always like that but on the most part felt intellectually disabled. Also, I had an overbearing monkey mind for the most part. After the trip: Now, I can see clearly when looking at an object or landscape. I can read and make sense of what's written effortlessly. It seems like my meditation gains have been put into everyday life. Meditation seemed to work only for 10 minutes and I would go back to cloudy awareness. Now, if I meditate first thing in the day the effects are significant till evening. Modafinil, Ritalin and l-theanine all have different effects now. Modafinil used to increase my consciousness and a little bit of focus, now it seems to decrease it. It also makes me very angry. Ritalin doesn't seem to have a great effect. When I used to take it it would change my whole perception of the world and increase focus by a ton. Now it's just a subtle increase in focus. L-theanine is the coolest overall. When I take it now I feel like I have meditated. I can feel the wind blowing in my whole body and my mindfulness increases a lot. Before it would only give me brain fog. I didn't try to study on it though. My productivity has decreased overall, funnily enough. I'm adapting to my new consciousness. Or maybe just bullshiting myself.

My ADHD symptoms reduced drastically (maybe have been eliminated?) after a MDMA trip focused on solving traumas. This makes a lot of sense overall. It's been almost 2 weeks since the trip. Maybe I'm still in the afterglow phase but I highly doubt it. Going to watch the video later!!

That 16 year old guy is my inspiration now lol. I'm just 3 years late.

Conscious unconscious devil. Zen devil seems too conscious for me.

I have a really bad time typing myself in any of those systems. I think "maybe I'm X" then 2 hours later "no, it's clearly Z" and never get anywhere. Typing other people has been a hobby of mine for some time though. I can see the value in learning some of this theory. Did the test and came up with: Enneagram 8 - The Challenger Currently on stage 5 (https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/type-8/). MBTI (from the same site): ENTJ- The Commander It seems like the first result influenced a lot in the second though hahaha.

I think this is a cool Rupert Spira video about the topic.

Yes. I am an unconscious devil.

Boring. Disrupts sleep. Makes me lazy (not that I'm not lazy when sober). I'd rather have some psychedelics or just stay sober. After smoking some changa all my addictions fly out of the window for at least 2 days.

So, I'm thinking about what psychedelic would be the better one to help me work on my counsciousness. I'll already be using LSD anyway but I'm thinking if coupling it with DMT would be a great addition. I currently didn't find any 5-MeO-DMT source in my country. So, I'll have to stick to both or one of these, because the are way cheaper per dose than Mushrooms. Have anyone tried both? What do you think about those? I think DMT is too short and has a lot of distracting visuals. But it kicked my ass way harder than mushrooms have. I feel like it's hard to do anything other than just sitting when tripping on DMT. I can only watch what it shows me. I never tried LSD but will soon. If there's any doubt, I am already doing sober consciousness work. The thing is, all my trips accelerated that growth by a fuckton (some more, some less).

Shit! I thought you were doing only 5-MeO because you talk about it the most. Going to cycle between LSD and DMT then. Going to buy some more DMT when I get the money. What do you mean by high dose? What did you manage to learn from DMT, considering it's fast-acting nature?

When I wrote this post I was maniac on stimulants. I can see now this task is harder and has more traps than it seems. Hell, I probably fucked up with some people yesterday (again because hyped up). Thank you people for your tips!