noahmh

I had my first psychedelic almost 10 years ago and I now have a warped view on non-retardant substances. I don’t want to clog the forum up with my garbage but I’m totally at a loss of how to enjoy life at this stage. About ten years ago I met some people who were able to give me access to a lot of substances. I smoked a lot of weed and every weekend I tripped, usually on LSD and occasionally on shrooms. I experienced an intense euphoria when tripping for the first few times. I recognize that this may be typical. After several months, I had one trip of some amount of wet mushrooms that resulted in an experience that changed my life. I want to call it an ego death, yet I know my ego is not dead. I came across Leo shortly after… in response to a nasty breakup. I had no idea he did spiritual work, yet it found me. Much of what he has to say on the nature of reality resonates with feelings I had in my ego-death-like experience. The past half decade or so I have been following his video releases, but I have little discipline. I have an issue building “my” life. When I am high, either smoking or tripping, I see everything going wrong. Visions of death, mostly my own, plague me. I’ve watched Leo’s video on fear in which he says to immerse yourself in it, but I have to admit that I’m too scared. I feel like I can’t do that and live “‘my life”. Every time I smoke, life plays out in a way that feels scripted. Every time I trip, I feel trapped in this existence. Ultimately, I want to feel free. TLDR; I am lost. Please read first paragraph.

Maybe try doing something while you listen to music. Fantasies are cool because they allow us to escape from our lives. I recommend creating or doing things while you listen to music. You can be proud of the things you do and envision instead of ashamed about the time you "wasted".

I try my best to feel these feelings and let the questions be. Sometimes I relate those deeper existential questions to struggling in a trap that only gets worse the more you struggle. I guess the obvious answer is to practice meditation and allow the monkey mind to run its course. I don't really find any solace in a God or the universe other than assuming things will go smoothly for me and my life. Like manifestation, I guess. In a way, though, I kick myself for not putting the work in that I feel I should put. I try my best to see beauty in death. I try my best to see beauty in all things that I feel a negative reaction to. Most of the time it works, but the most fear I've felt is definitely in the "whole getting high & tripping" thing. That fear scarred me in a weird way, and now I'm bugged because I'm so scared of psychedelic substances... lol. Anyway, I really appreciate your response. I feel confident that things I want will come with time an effort. I'll try the writing exercise you suggested and see what comes up. Part of making this post was that I felt my fear and uncertainty had come to a point that I felt I needed to share. It feels good to release some of that pressure online, but I'm aware that work needs to be done on my end as well. Thank you! (Sorry for the multiple posts. Just figured out how to multiquote.)

I don't necessarily feel like I have to do either of those things. It feels like there's something there, though, that is profound and really piques my curiosity. Whatever it is also seems to terrify me. Parts of my waking life feel like I'm ignoring something, and when I'm high things seem to make sense. It feels like I've reached a horrifying truth that follows me into my sober life. Coming down feels like putting a blindfold on. I definitely feel that I can live my life and focus on what I'm doing without smoking or tripping. I'm functional, going to school, working part-time, and have a general vision for what I want my life to be. Despite all this, I can't shake the worry that it feels small and unfulfilling. I feel that is a consequence of my trip many years ago. Whether it's that or just me growing and questioning life, I feel that way. I'm not religious other than following very loosely spiritual teachings from here.

No one says I have to trip. I was drawn to why I felt this way after having a bad trip. I continued to trip after because I submitted to social pressure and anything over a microdose seems to just go bad. In life, I want to have land and income that gives me the freedom to do things that I enjoy. I enjoy creating things. I enjoy playing music and making art and through my joy of creation I have even come to enjoy coding because it's a vehicle of expression. I currently go to university and study cybersecurity, which is also pretty cool because it provides me with insights on the underlying framework of the internet and how businesses operate with it. In order to give me the life that I want, I study this and do my best to help my values align with what the job market might expect of me. I've done one internship, and my partner is working in the field currently. I enjoy my life with her greatly, so another goal of mine is to help give us both the freedom to live on our own and pursue our passions. I hope to help our passions align as best they can, create things that we both enjoy, and encourage her to live her life to the fullest as well. I feel like I can sum this up as "freedom", and that's what I meant in my first post. Financial freedom is part of it, yes, but also for my life to align inside and out. I want(ed) a solid understanding of life. Part of me searches for something to make it make sense, and I never really found any "satisfying" answers. It could just be a result of me reaching, but the closest I felt to an explanation was while tripping. In that way, I feel drawn to it. I haven't tripped in over a year and I very rarely smoke. I drink moderately, for the past few years once or twice a week and over two drinks when I do. I'm confused as to why I can't enjoy smoking or tripping in the same way my peers do. It could just be an expression of this misalignment I feel, but I feel more consciously that the work I feel I need to do takes time.