Lay_Zen_Licious

Sorry for the really long post, but I really need some advice because I don't understand myself any more. Please do not answer if you don't understand my concerns in some way or don't feel compassion, I heard a lot of advice from people who didn't really know what they're talking about and it only made me even more insecure. So I had been together with this girl for almost 4 years and I had moved in together with her about 1 1/2 years ago. But after some time, I was starting to doubt our relationship and didn't really know why. I had the feeling that she held me back in my Personal Development and my aspirations to improve and live the life I wanted, because she had some psychological issues herself and I spent a lot of time worrying about her, trying to help and it was truly nerve-wrecking. Also, I had the urge to sleep with other women and try new things. She was the first girl I have ever been with and I felt like I was missing out on something. On the other hand, we got along pretty well and I didn't have a problem with her personally. She really loved me and I wanted her to be happy. Every time she was sad, it really broke my heart. - I wasn't sure if I loved her though. I couldn't keep my doubts for myself and I eventually told her, that I was thinking about breaking up. We had lots of talks about it and she gave me time to think but I was still indecisive. This indecisiveness really destroyed her because she didn't know what's going on and feared being left alone every single day. This went on for a few months and she grew more and more resentful towards me. She became cold. Then one morning, we had a talk and we basically both agreed, that this wasn't really working and it would be better to break up. The first few weeks after that were basically hell, I never felt such sadness and emotional pain in my entire life before. It felt like a physical illness. It took a while, but I picked myself back up again. She moved out of our flat and I stayed here on my own. We decided to stay friends though, because we still liked each other. We both didn't want to lose somebody, we shared so many beautiful experiences with. Someone who knew us better than any other human being. After the breakup, my ex was suddenly better at life than before. Her emotional problems suddenly seemed to resolve, she joined some Clubs and found new friends, was way more active etc. My own problems however didn't really change and I noticed that she had maybe been contributing to my problems, but she was never the main factor. I think that I was a devil here and projected my issues onto her, thinking I need to get rid of her to change my life, all the while holding her back in her aspirations. She had basically felt so save and comfortable with me that she hadn't been active. Well after a while, we started kissing and touching and having sex again. It felt really good and it was like our relationship was revived in some way. Felt like a new beginning. We had much more interesting conversations again, I was actually looking forward to seeing her every time and we texted each other a lot. The sex and the intimacy was also way better than before. We didn't officially get together though. Now we both are hella confused. I still want to bang other girls and try new things out. She says she is not very jealous about me having sex with other girls, but the thought of me falling in love and having a new girlfriend freaks her out and she fears that I might forget her completely. She clearly still has feelings for me, but she doesn't want out relationship back because I am still indecisive and she doesn't want to feel this insecurity and pain ever again. I also kinda have feelings for her, I wanna see her happy and don't wanna lose her, but I STILL don't know if I love her or not. I don't even know what "love" means romantically, as it is a societal construct in my mind. Honestly I don't understand myself right now. Every time we meet, I'm looking forward to it, I can't keep my hands off her and we have sex almost every time we meet at this point. The day after, I wake up alone and always feel this kind of weird feeling, like I regret doing that or something... I can't really pin it down. I still don't know why I couldn't just love her and be glad that I had somebody who loved me with all of my flaws and imperfections. Now I know she has feelings for me but I'm still playing with her like that. I don't want her to suffer any more. She says, she wants to cuddle and have sex, even if she's not in a relationship. I do too. But I don't know if we are not deceiving ourselves right there. I thought about getting back together, but on the other hand I enjoy my freedom here. I like being alone for the most part and I like having my freedom. I like going out and having the possibility of picking up girls with no strings attached, even if it doesn't happen that often. Now I fear that I might hurt her with that, even though we are not together. On the other hand, I do feel lonely at times and then I wish she was here. I wish I could cuddle with her and sleep together with her, watching some stupid netflix show and laughing. Also, I keep getting input from all of society which confuses me even further. My family pressures me to find a girlfriend, so I can be safe for the future. Even though I don't really buy into their worldview, I think that love is something you have to work for and that doesn't just come to you and then lasts forever. Maybe I should have worked on our relationship more. But I feel like I need to make other experiences to get this out of my system. But what if we eventually lose each other and never get back in touch? Maybe I am too childish and immature for her. I think I may be hurtful for her. But what should we do? Should we remain friends with benefits until one of us gets into a committed relationship and then stop the benefit thing? Should we try to cut the sex/cuddling out and just be friends? Should we break contact completely, even though we both like each other and don't want to lose each other? I am so. Fucking. Stuck. And confused. This has been going on for a while now. Any good advice is highly appreciated.

I'm suffering the same thing really badly. I've been getting professional help for 1 1/2 years now and I'm still not cured. Yet I have learned some things, I just wanna share my experiences with you, so maybe that helps. 1. Definitely look for professional help like a therapist, coach etc. I don't know if there are those options where you live. As porn addiction is not yet classified as an actual disease in the psychology manuals, there is no real therapy to it yet. However, there are some programs dedicated to curing porn addiction and I think the principles of behavioral-cognitive therapy and of other treatment methods regarding addiction might work out as well. They help at least. 2. Understand that what you're suffering from is the same brain-mechanism that crackheads and hardcore drug addicts suffer from. This is not an issue of free will in my opinion, you are not to blame. Don't hate yourself. See yourself as struggling with a huge problem. You are capable and responsible for the steps you take to change this condition, but don't hate yourself for indulging in PMO or consuming it. 3. This is a big one for me: You are not really able to abstain, when there is pornographic material available to you. If you have your phone and your PC with you and you're alone, you won't have control about that. That means: Think of ways for how to block the access to pornography. This is the first step, to just not watch it any more. Personally, I have found ways to block all the potentially dangerous sites from my PC and I always lock my cell phone far away from me - in the basement - when I'm at home and I don't get it until I'm heading outside. I have another cell phone inside my appartment, which can only send messages, so I can stay in contact with people. I have deinstalled every potentially dangerous app from that phone, including Instagram, Youtube and even the internet browser. 4. Find out what your triggers are. In which situations are you mostly compelled to watch porn and masturbate? In which times of the day? What feelings arise? What function does the addiction play? Because it definitely serves a purpose, if it wasn't, it wouldn't be there. For me it's mainly a way of dealing with loneliness and it's keeping me unconscious because living consciously still feels painful to me. I also use it to procrastinate. I get cravings only when I'm alone and mostly in the morning. 5. Mindfulness really really helps. When cravings arise, try to focus on them, feel them and not react. Often times you will discover that there is an underlying emotion, with which the craving helps you to cope with. Feel that and accept it 6. Read more about the addiction and addiction in general. It will give you understanding but mostly it will keep the topic on your mind. Your brain is a sneaky bastard, especially when you're an addict. I was already in therapy for 1 1/2 years and I just recently fully understood that this is a serious issue that might actually destroy my life and it should be my top priority to get rid of this. Be conscious of the severity of the issue. 7. Get people to talk with about the issue. Maybe the NoFap community, maybe you know some people in real life, who are suffering from a similar issue. An "accountability partner" is also a good idea. These people should understand the seriousness of the issue and not play it down, but at the same time understand you and not be judgemental. And lastly remember: FAILURE IS PART OF THE PROCESS! RELAPSES DO NOT MEAN SETBACKS. So don't get discouraged.

@JustThinkingAloud Thanks for the advice, yeah I'll definitely should make some new experiences.

@NyctoManiac That was my original plan but as it turns out, getting laid is not as easy for me as I thought it would be thanks for the advice though, I'll definitely get more experience, too

@Natasha I think you're right... thank you for your great advice, I think I'll tell her that we should stop this. We'll try to stay friends and stay in touch, but other than that we should first develop ourselves before even thinking of getting back together.

@Natasha There are a few factors, that have changed. Firstly, we don't live together any more. Being around each other all the time really contributed to the problem. Secondly, one major problem was that she didn't really know what to do with herself, other than be around me. It was a total comfort zone and she got out of that now, doing a ton of new things. Thirdly, I noticed that it wasn't her who was holding me back, but myself ultimately, so I don't blame her any more. Also we talked about trying an open relationship so we can have other sexual experiences and sexual abundance and are not so needy any more. Don't know what you think about that, I know that especially girls often cringe at non-monogamous relationships. On the other hand, I want the open relationship thing more than her obviously, it seems like she's more in love or more attached to me than I am to her. Also, the root cause of our breakup was her insecurity due to my undecisiveness. My undecisiveness (as you can see from this post) is still not gone. The main problem I have is that I don't know if I should be satisfied or not. She's actually a great partner, we understand each other at deeper levels, we support each other and she accepts my flaws. We are honest, we both still care for each other a lot and would sacrifice a lot to make each other happy. I always had the feeling that I am missing out of something and that I could have more. But perhaps this desire for more sex, more different women etc. leads to more suffering and emptiness and someday I'll notice that our relationship was good all along, that it just needed work. I don't know how things will turn out and what the right move is, and this is eating me alive... what do you think?

@outlandish Thanks for the thoughtful and compassionate reply, that helped already. Maybe this is not sustainable and it will hurt even more in the long run. We texted today and she said she was open to getting back together, if things changed compared to the last time. I'm honestly thinking about it, maybe my needs of meeting other girls etc. are too selfish at the core. But am I ready to move to a higher stage? A kind of open relationship is also possible. Oh man, this is actually hard stuff to think about, as I'm not used to thinking "emotionally" lol

@billiesimon Notice your judgement there, people who want to remain single and still have sex are not necessarily selfish assholes. Stage Green sexuality is about free love. Old relationship constructs and dogmas are questioned, meaning that monogamy as the only valid form of relationships is questioned. People are experimenting more with different partners, polyamorous or open relationships and so on. Don't mistake this for being only about sex, it's actually about connecting with multiple people on various emotional levels. Now sure enough most people would respond with "It's not true love, if it's more than one partner". That exactly is the limited mindset. Falling in love with one partner who is perfect for you, who you can posess and who will fulfill all of your needs for all of your life is a stage blue/orange fantasy. I think we shouldn't look down on people experimenting and trying stuff out sexually, as long as they do it in a healthy way. Of course, if it's really only about sex, they might have problems opening themselves up emotionally. That too becomes a problem, which needs work.

Metta meditation. Really brings tears to my eyes almost every time I do it, as I get kinda flooded with love for myself and everybody else. Also I used to do the exercises from "6 pillars of self-esteem".

I wanna be a rapper. Not as famous as a celebrity, just well-known enough so I can pay my bills with making music and maybe working a part-time job as a social worker on the side if still necessary. Other than that I wanna create a life where I have time for myself to think, study, meditate and contemplate. I'd love to write a few books (fiction and non-fiction) and maybe I'll live in buddhist monasteries and similar institutions when I'm older, just to study that way of life deeply. Other than that, I just want a healthy life without too much stress, a lot of time I can use to grow myself and others and a social circle of people I can connect with deeply.