Ninie

Hello. I've smoked the plant for only 10 times or so, not more. It hasn't ever been a tool to relax, sit back and enjoy for me, on the opposite - always hyperactivating my psyche, expanding my consciousness and bringing all the shit on the surface - or exaggerating what's already in there, idk? Last time I smoked three days ago and I'm still very confused and anxious. The experience was like this: I became aware of all energetic blockages and stuffed pain/energy in my body parts, I was clearly feeling how each emotion was creating a feeling in my body and then consequently expressing itself in my resting muscular tension - the way I feel myself. I became aware of the origin of the heaviness on my chest and throat and those nervous coughs that I have. I saw how much I was acting, how big was the need to be liked, approved and praised by other people, and how I was saying the things I didn't actually want to say. And MOST IMPORTANTLY the narrative constantly going on in my mind - I don't know if weed just made it clearer for me to see or actually strengthened it - but I have this constant commentary going on in my head, like my mind is writing a mental journal of what's going on, and then writing a mental journal about how it's writing a mental journal about what's going on, and so on.. always compulsively describing everything rather than just experiencing things and letting them go. (to the point that it's one of the things I take my ocd/depression medication for). And on this last time I clearly saw how it was connected to the ego's desire to preserve itself, to survive. Constantly writing the story of the illusory self, to retell it to somebody, to create the illusion that you are not alone in your experiences. Also I saw how stopping this narrative and just being in the present moment, experiencing the present moment by yourself ceased the tension in my chest/brain/everything, and other, greater energies got activated, but this thing was huge and very overwhelming, like taking the most important last step of surrender. And the mind, this bastard wanted to take part in this too - it wanted even to control the process of surrender - but the thing is, you can't surrender and also be in the control of the surrendering process - that which my mind is so afraid of, letting go of control and also letting go of thinking about letting go of control : ) so pretty much I acknowledged that this constant narrative=illusion of having control, illusion of 'knowing and recording what's happening inside me'. The thing is, those boxes aren't closing back even on the third day and it has become little pathological - I'm anxious as fuck and can't concentrate on anything cause it's like I'm losing control of what's going on and then I panic. Instead of accepting all the above-mentioned and just letting go more, the mind keeps overanalyzing everything and expresses it in very disturbing emotions. The only relief is sleep and I sleep excessively (might be the physiological effect of cannabis) I might have to take benzos again, like I had after my previous cannabis 'trips', but I really don't want to. I did meditation/yoga/chanting this morning, but made me feel even messier and weird somehow. Also, my psychologist has told before that all this is just some mind noise created but extra energy which I don't manage to spare in a sexual or any other way. I agree with this, but also this thoughts and conclusions seem to have some truth in them. I'm really alone inside all of this. What should I do now and what should I do generally ?(like, is smoking cannabis and opening all the curtains of the mind gonna be good for me? do I escape all this or dive in more deeply?). Any advice is needed, except repeating all the mainstream stuff that we already know here.

Hello there მოსაწევი არ გიცდია? :დ

I can relate to every word you say. My spontaneous awakening also started with a psychosis (it was SSRI induced, but whatever) without any pre-knowledge about spirituality, nonduality or anything. And it happened 2017 as well, by the way. I was also deluded and did a bunch of stupid things and thought of myself as a god and a messiah, but still I know that experience was IT. The state was a genuine awakening. If only I had someone to guide me then and help me differentiate what was true about my state and what was illusory and ego-driven. Eventually I got "cured" but anti-psychotic medication and eventually it all faded away, my ego got constructed back and after some time my previous mental illnesses got back as well. Though to this day I strive back to getting back to the same state, this time consciously and knowingly. And seeing the truth and then losing it pretty much hurts. But ok, no more about me.. What I would advice you is not to lose that remnant of a nondual stage that you are experiencing, even from time to time. Continue research about awakening/spirituality/nondualism, watch leo's videos, and try not to cling to the previous "experiences", although they may have been marvelous and life-changing, and I believe they were. The state you once spontaneously reached needs to be worked on, integrated in everyday life, or else the ego will soon take all the strength back, as it did in my case. Try to remain in a real reality as much as you can and do not chase after "mystical" experiences. Synchronicities and everything are real, but that's not the main point of realising the Self. Youtube videos and spiritual books could be a great guide for you. Also you can message me in case of any questions. Best of luck <3

Thanks for the comments, but you guys are only referring to whether cannabis is good or bad, not the whole story of mine that I've put here. There are more points to be commented on than whether to smoke or not. Anybody??

I now feel huge energy moving in my body, mostly in my throat/chest, and if for a minute I manage to stop thinking/judging/analyzing and surrender, than it's sweet and healing. But this doesn't last and the mind uses this energy to generate more and more obsessive thoughts and then it becomes overwhelmingly disturbing

@Anton_Pierre The only reason I smoked cannabis this time was that I felt completely blocked and depressed and I wanted something to 'open up', and I knew it would to that. But it opened up not in a calming and and relaxing euphoric way, but rather in an anxiously eye-opening way (I knew that too). And I don't even know anymore to trust what I'm thinking and feeling or just to consider them as hallucinatory 'cannabis effects'.

Thanks for your responses.@Aakash @Serotoninluv

I have accumulated pretty much content about enlightenment, although one of them - being in the present moment - seems to outweigh and annihilate all of the others. Everyone says, detach from the mind and observe without thinking and analyzing, but if you realize that any thought, any suffering, frustration, burden, etc. comes from the mind being concerned about the past or the future, and as soon as you ground yourself in the present moment, what is there left to observe? It seems to me that nothing can survive the present moment. Where is 'the path'? What should I question? Why meditate, what to observe? What's there to work on? This really frustrates me because I think of myself as being on a some kind of spiritual journey, but all of that, all the teaching, practice, anything just disappears as soon as I ground myself in the Now. I also think that my inability to observe my thoughts and emotions comes from the lack of disciplined spiritual practice. I don't meditate on a daily basis and when I get a tip like "look without thinking", my mind gets triggered and suffers even more because I don't seem to know how to do that. So.. letting it be and letting it go seem contradictory to me. Should I trust my intuition and just follow what resonates with me(letting go, being in the present moment, which kills anything else) or should I work on observing, meditating and find out what "letting be" actually is by myself?

@RichardY the mind, thoughts, suffering, story, life, "path", spiritual teachings, resistance, everything

@Salvijus I mean the exact same thing with different words when I say "looking without thinking" and "observing the mind".

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@QandC I'm on a similar stage as you are. Letting go and surrendering even the surrenderer seems to be a powerful tool that goes beyond anything. However, even after a massive 'letting go', I couldn't survive like that for even a full day. Doesn't your ego creep up again, panicking "if it's all there is" and "what now"? If not, good. But mine couldn't cope with such nothingness and emptiness after having given so much attention to its suffering throughout my whole life. "dissolve, diffuse, surrender". It seems to me you're doing it right, and I'm trying to do the same. Not even "do", more like "un-do". Any video of Mooji could help you witht he doubts of fear, imho. For example this, and many others

Hello. posting here for the first time.. I feel like I am the most turning and decisive point of my journey. I am stuck in a place which can have only one exit - knowing the truth. I feel like I've got nothing to lose - even though it may not seem so from the outside, looking at my studies, "success", personal image and etc. But despite all this, I know it is a proper moment to surrender to the "not-knowingness" of it all. And I have done so - I actually had an experience couple days ago when my ego became so tired of the seeking, that I just gave it up and "became present", to say so. I released all seeking, thinking, gave up all the stories and kind of started living in the now. But the mind couldn't bear it for more than a day and started obsessing and screaming again about how "this is not it". So I became even more confused, depressed so that my mind seems to have created a state where I should either awaken or suffer intensely and obsessively think about "awakening". No in between. No intervals. No "normal life". Everything is irrelevant but this. So this morning the depression and suffering became so intense that I just broke down and took an antidepressant - just 50 mg or Zoloft - one of the pills I've used for the past years for my depression. It used to take at least several days for the effect to kick in, but now it worked miraculously fast - like an anesthetic. I'm still stuck in the same place but it's like the fire is distinguished, and even though it's a physical relief, I don't feel relief on a mental state, as I know everything is just right there where it was, I just have become numb to it. But the more the ego attacks, the more it loses its strength, doesn't it? I mentally know that resistance is a good sign, although it's accompanied with such tiring sensations of suffering. So will numbing the mind with pills slow down the process I'm going through now? Will it reduce the effectiveness?

@Serotoninluv also the fog doesn't arise during meditation, it's intensely there all the time

Just one thing here. As I manage to be fully present even for a moment, forget about the past or future, stories, "the path", awakening, anything, literally anything, even the most intense suffering seems to just stop. I even don't think about it stopping, or create a story about how it stopped, or expect anything..anything at all. This is what becoming present for me is like - it's actually like the"razor's edge of now". But when I do this, even the "path" disappears, my so called "spirituality", all the development, practice, leo, Buddha or Sadhguru, life, just anything. Even observing the mind and thoughts becomes meaningless because there's nothing to observe. The 2 main advices I got here from you guys are the following: 1. Becoming present, as nothing can be a problem in the present moment 2. Observing the suffering, thoughts, whatever's going on. But I can't seem to combine these two. As the moment I dare to become present and forget everything, there's nothing to observe, just nothing going on. It's like I will be this motionless and brainwashed for the rest of my life. Any thoughts? @Serotoninluv

@Privet Well my first awakening experience was induced by serotonin accumulation by taking maximal doses of SSRIs and anxiolytics , so yeah I can see what you're saying. But the difference is I didn't know anything about ego death or any of this stuff back then, it happened unintentionally. The case I have now seems to be very different and the same path can't be undergone now, I guess.

@Privet I already did agree on the depression not 100% being the ego death symptom, but whenever I have referred to it in a psychological/biochemical/health manner, I failed. And believe me I have tried almost everything. And I have neither interest nor energy to "find good friends" or do any of the above now. Thanks anyways.

@bazera really trying to, along with all the immunology I have to somehow study until tomorrow ;d

@bazera hey, I already did this afternoon. Thanks<3 Also check the answers on my post if you'd like, interesting discussion

@Privet yeah I'm also not 100% sure that this is ego resistance or the dark night. It might be the regular psychological anxiety-depression pattern. But I've had much experience with the psychotropic medication and therapy, and I'm almost sure there is no mental health professional that I could explain all this to, or a medication that could really help the root of the problem, not just numb it. All that western traditional approach only seems to help the ego gain its strength back. @Leo Gura "Sometimes there are more effective things to do to accelerate awakening than brutal surrender." - for example?

@Leo Gura thanks a lot. @ajasatya same.

Hey, I've only been registered for a few days, and when I try to log in with my E-mail and password, the authentication is failed. Then I go to the validation E-mail that I received, and go to the site through that link on E-mail, type the same login and password and sign in. What's the problem with directly signing in, not via mail?

@GeoLura thanks a lot. I'm really trying to put less effort in it and let it be, surrender to the "not-knowingness" and even to the fear and panic of it. Going back to the same life pattern seems impossible though, I can't un-remember this. At this point I don't even have a purpose to enlighten, I just feel stuck and looking for the way out, whatever it might be. Anyway giving less compassion and attention to what's going on inside seems to be a proper tip. @Esoteric yeah, I'm really trying not to believe myself. I've had glimpses as well, and even one massive awakening experience, but now it seems far away and I don't exactly know the ways to get back there.

@Leo Gura This morning I felt desperate again, then I really tried to face the reasons of this suffering and ofc, I didn't find any. Deep down I know that I need this suffering to hold onto something, to still be able to identify with something, because if I let it go, what would be left? I can't identify with what I thought I was, so now I'm trying to identify with the seeking process, with the "enlightenment purpose", dark night of the soul, turning all these into concepts that I can hold onto. My mind is prone to making a mental journal to always keep track of what's going on there, labeling it as "suffering", "obsession", "depression", "dark night of the soul", etc. So if I surrender all this and surrender even the surrenderer, how could I be? It feels like it would mean giving up even the "process", giving up the work, and I don't want that. All in all, I can't seem to do what is referred to as "killing the Buddha". Still, I don't know if any of this is true.

@Esoteric and about weed, I've had some experience and it only intensifies the state in which I'm in, so can't risk it right now.