OrpheusNovum

First off, let me say that Actualized.org has been phenomenal as a resource on the study of subjective thought. However, subjectivity is only a single state of being, and being nihilistic and solipsistic does not produce result when battling depression. This, seen from my perspective lines up with Nietzsche's criticism of the fall of ancient Greece - culture had become too Apollonian and not enough Dionysian. Too much focus on the mind, not enough on the body. Objectivity is NECESSARY. Our inner potential to manifest object meaning should suggest that, to some degree, our inner reality ALSO carries objectivity. The objectivity in this sense lies not in an object's palpable existence, but rather in its POTENTIAL to exist. Think of it this way: There are inner and an outer fields of reality. For the sake of illustration, we can call international potential reality "time-space" and external manifest reality "space-time". For an object to exist in space-time, it must FIRST exist in time-space, then PROJECT ITSELF through a being capable of complex cognitive thought to gain its meaning and significance in reality. This was Aristotle's musings on the topic of Teleology. Similarly, self may not exist, but if you consider "self" as a four-dimensional time object with POTENTIAL to exist, you can have objectivity. Meaning is inherently projective, but so is the nature of manifest self. Active conscientious projection is the only thing capable of manifesting object-self. Now how do I know "self" is a four dimensional time object with potential to exist? Because the laws of physics tell us that if a four-dimensional being were to manifest within our 3-dimensional object reality, it would be able to change its age at will. Think about how you act during the day. Is all your information information coming ONLY from what you know in that moment? Of course not. It comes from your knowledge of who you've been across the timeline of your life. Now obviously, we can't just mindlessly project like a two-year-old who doesn't know how to use his dick spraying pee all over the bathroom floor, but that's where storytelling comes in. Your ego is Pandora's box. A tesseract (4-dimensional hypercube) FILLED with object potential. The first time you open it, all the horrors of the world escape. You project it through art. Then you open it again. And you're met with what you wanted all along. Love. Peace. Light. Being. Please rebuttal this if you feel it worthy of criticism, but this is my knowledge from my angle of my process of self-actualization, which I developed through a personalized process of meditative method acting to achieve altered states of being. Thanks for your consideration in reading this. TL;DR: Subjectivity does not work run to extremes because subjectivity still carries a seed of potential for object-meaning to manifest through active projection.

Take a chance, it's something to throw dice over. BAM. GURA REMIX'D, BOI. Also worth saying (somewhat in my relation to my derpishness) playfulness stops being acceptable as an adult. We learn best when we're enjoying the learning process. That's the whole point of those TV shows for toddlers that DRIVE YOU FUCKING NUTS as an adult with their drawn-out songs about how to take a shit, or whatever. Learning becomes increasingly reductionistic. Stan Lee used to write in science concepts to his comics, hoping people would look for answers themselves. Look how many visionaries he inspired!

SCHEDULE Friday- Arrival and signing in begins after 4:00 pm. There will be a light dinner for all incoming participants. Saturday and Sunday- The morning begins with an hour of running, stretching and Kung Fu basics (1hr). Once finished, participants are served breakfast (1hr). After breakfast, participants are taught Qi Gong (1hr) and Tai Chi (1hr). Thereafter, participants are served lunch (1hr). After lunch is a 1hr break. Once break is over, participants are taught Kung Fu (2hrs.). After Kung Fu, participants are served dinner (1hr.). The rest of the day is allotted to free time. Monday- Morning exercises; breakfast; review of all disciplines; certificate ceremony and a light lunch. Sounds like a lot of information and hard work. As much as Leo advocates for yoga, I have found Tai Chi far more suited to my experience. I think it's something about digging into the egoic functions of the fight reflex and unwiring the stress response by slowing down your motions as you project that energy outwards. Mindful fighting. It's far more difficult than it looks, and always brings tears to my eyes when I see it.

I just found this, and I had to share! For $500, you get lodging and food in upstate New York where you get to learn Kung Fu from a Shaolin master for 3 days! I can't afford it this year, but this just moved to the top of my self-development bucket list! So much better of an investment than ideological programs from guys like Elliot Hulse and Dan Peña that can cost $4000-6000 a pop! https://www.usashaolintemple.com/shaolin-warrior-monk-retreat-2019/

As a writer it infuriates me to work so hard only to see that everything I produce is derivative, even if only in very nuanced ways.

Your attachment to the things that happened to you is derivative of your unwillingness to love that pain as you, and for what it showed you about Truth. I had the shit knocked out of me for 3 1/2 years, a year in my mom died. I'm still working on loving that for what it was along with all the childhood baggage that led up to it. That's why this is so hard. In the face of trying to love these things, bitterness and materialism will call back to you in the guise of truth. Listen at your peril.

Hey Jeremy, and welcome to a new paradigm! This work is not just really difficult, but in fact I can guarantee that it will be the most difficult thing you will ever do in your life. It takes extreme patience, focus and love to advance on the path of wisdom, which should always be your first priority. Knowledge, power, money, sex and even family or love can vanish in an instant without the wisdom to maintain these things. One of the biggest challenges I can here is that (likely all) knowledge as you know it now is fundamentally reductionist, or broken down from what it is as an eternal whole. Your movement from a fragmented or materialist paradigm to a spiritual paradigm is going to take a few things: Critical thinking to put the pieces together The ability to look at that which you "hate" and love it as yourself. The ability to forgive others and especially yourself as you realize there is no "other" A journal, to be filled with your insights (I'm still getting better at this one) A place to meditate daily (aaaaand this one) The realization that success is non-linear and stepping backwards is sometimes necessary. Besides, some paintings look better from afar than they do up close. Also, think back through your life and see if you can pinpoint a moment where everything seemed clear, or the realization "all is one" came to you with a sense of profundity (haha. Profundity. Funny word.) Other than that, I recommend never, ever drinking again ever, period. I have never known any serious spiritual teachers that drink even a drop of alcohol. It isn't worth it, and always leads you and those around you to a painful life.

From what I've seen, you shouldn't do Ayahuasca alone. There are retreats you can take where you'll be exposed to it gradually over the course of a few days by people who know what they're doing. Of course, I can't imagine how you'd get it from your everyday dealer, but it's worth saying.

That being said on Ayahuasca, throwing up has also been attributed to emotional purging. It can be a positive.

I wanna add personally, this has been a lot of my resistance to self-actualizing. I've had moments where I can see people's feelings clearly, or even know what it is they're going to say before they say it. There's a sort of guilt that follows, as though I've violated someone or done something wrong, so I immediately run back to ego and start making rationalizations again to cope. It's not that it's scary so much as it's a conflict of paradigms. Moving from the state of self-perceiving, or egoic states to an understanding of oneness. @Serotoninluv your comment about peeing on the table was pretty on the nose. Any tips on how to stop running from this?

If you're taking any mind altering substance in any capacity you should be doing far more thorough research than just asking on the forums. You can pull up those answers with google and webMD, dude.

@bmcnicho If I may add, and it may not be pertinent to your situation in particular, but it's always super important to question things, especially medical diagnoses relative to what it might mean for your particular lifestyle: I myself was diagnosed Autistic at 13, something pushed by my mother especially. What I realized eventually was that it was the result of trauma and cognitive dissonance (brain trying to move in two opposite directions at once) because my mother would tell me to behave one way, and I would mirror her behavior which was rife with victim dynamics. I've noticed that a lot of people diagnosed with Autism enter a freeze state in certain situations - mostly social - due to a split in cognitive processing. Tyler (or Owen, whatever he calls himself) from Real Social Dynamics had the same experience and talks about it a lot. It can be different for everyone due to a varying degree of environmental factors, so you'll have to look at it as it applies to you. The reason I say this is because I was able to deconstruct the factors that were causing the behavior, and I think it's been sloppy work at the hands of various psychiatric institutions to put labels on the behaviors when we haven't had the metrics to understand the causes up until the last 10 years. True Autism is caused by a synaptic overgrowth - usually at about age 2 or 3, humans undergo a pruning of synapses to reduce sensory intake. Those whose brains either don't undergo this process or have it stunted will live with the increased sensory input. That of course being said, sensory input can seriously work to your advantage if you're truly Autistic. I mean like one in a million special. Not to mention if you self-actualize with this increased input, you'll probably encounter things others won't, and quicker. Self-inquire about the roots of the behavior, or get a CT scan if possible. Either way, you'll find more to yourself than you bargained for. If you ever want to reach out, I've read a lot about Autism over the last 13 years. Feel free to inbox me.

@Sri McDonald Trump Maharaj You were the laugh I needed, but not the laugh I deserved.

Self-reflecting about porn, and why I started watching it so young. I found porn when I was 10, and got curious about it from that moment onwards. For a long time I've used it as a coping mechanism to provide a false sense of desirability and self-love. I know I need to commit to nofap, and I often make the excuse that it's hard. I think that along with cleaning up my diet and committing to not drinking anymore, I will be a new man.

I'm going to keep this journal for day-to day recording of my eating, youtubing and social media habits to stay accountable to myself and record progress. Addiction is, after all within the mindset and not the substance itself. This will be somewhat personal, and may also include existential questions, personal confessions or deconstructive analyses. To start, I should focus on yesterday. I bought a bottle of wine - I was fairly sure I shouldn't have, which was confirmed by the fact I finished it by night's end. Drinking tends to exacerbate my binges, which of course follows with self-worth issues. Often I attempt to counter issues of self-worth with delusions of grandeur, plans of fame and an immaculate life, which of course only serve to inflate my ego. I can't recall how many hot dogs I had, it was at least 4, as well as yogurt with granola and bananas that was meant to last me 3-4 days, but only lasted 1 1/2. As I'm typing this out, I'm embarrassed and ashamed. Food addiction is stigmatically the "most pathetic" and least recognized of addictions (although I've heard rumor it will be added in the DSM-VI upon its update). Pain is something I make great effort to justify through using beauty as an excuse, knowing full well that I'm a MASTERFUL bullshit artist of the highest degree, something I take pride in during moments of egoic delusion. I hope in writing this journal that I can finally gain clarity into the underlying cause of my addiction, and finally get that damn story started that I've been sitting on for the last 11 years.

Took a nap and had a pretty vivid dream. It would seem that someone somewhere wants me to understand something about myself in this world. I'll post the story as follows. I'm in a car with a man I knew somehow. His daughter is missing, presumed dead by fault of wild animal. He's angry - understandably - enough to bring his shotgun with him. He drives down a dead end. It was a small peninsula by a lake, and a wolf comes out of its den by under a tree and walks over to the side of the car. The man takes a few shots, but somehow misses (odd for a shotgun, but hey, it's a dream). I get out of the car, and I must have had something like a heavy stick or something to beat the wolf to death with. I back up onto a ledge and start thinking about how to take this thing out when I start to realize that the wolf has been relatively calm through the whole process. Out of eyesight of the man still sitting in his car, the wolf looks at me, almost lovingly as the emotion wells up within my body. I know in that moment I want no part in killing the wolf, and the dream ends as I wake up.

Back to the basics.

I finally asked myself the question about why I'm so ashamed and fearful of my weight. The answer I came up with is that my weight became an identity I attached to to avoid the pain of home life. I can see that this identity was a way to cope for me, and that I no longer need it. It's terrifying to let go, but freeing. Also made the commitment to stop drinking for good. I'm tired of seeing people I love die and waste their lives. Lost a friend this week, someone I was interested in. We kept rescheduling to do open mic comedy, and then she never responded when we were supposed to go. I guess this is the catalyst I needed to finally get off my ass and go do pickup.

Decided this week that I'm never drinking again for the rest of my life. Been a few weeks since I have and I've never been a heavy drinker, but I've seen it destroy the people I love for years. I firmly believe that the world could change tomorrow if everyone vowed to stop drinking for good today. Plus, Leo said he's never bought a drink before in his life and that's evidence enough for me that it's a habit I should kick. Feels powerful as fuck saying no to that shit.

I've wanted to ask myself this question seriously for a while now, but seeing as it would require a radical change in my own perception of my identity, I've been avoiding it. Both of my parents are doctors, as well as neglectful and abusive alcoholics. My mother died in 2012, and my intuition awoke a few months before that to tell me it was going to happen before it did. She played the victim pretty hardcore and had me doing the same with multiple visits to the doctor for bullshit diagnoses that were actually the result of childhood trauma from their divorce battle, using us as pawns in their war. Dad could be physically abusive at his limits, although he never hit me, I can recall being thrown in my room rather aggressively a few times. The worst of it, however, is that they were both mean drunks. I can recall both of them telling me they wished I was dead at their drunkest moments, on separate occasions. A growing part of me thinks I should leave my family behind and live my own life. Input on this would be appreciated.

Giving him attention gives him legitimacy. It's getting tiresome watching someone start a new thread every time this guy opens his facehole.

Welcome back! Rage happens. Reactivity is fear. You only fix it with love.

@mandyjw I only saw through the illusion of it because I chose to embrace what it for what it was: a strength. Teach him that he'll be stronger for it, and you'll do great.

I've come to realize I hold a lot of anger towards our medical system, partly because of the numerous inconsistent diagnoses I was given as a kid - Asperger's, ADHD, ADD, bipolar - as well as the fact that all the resulting behavior was a function of childhood trauma. As early as 4, I can remember my mom getting lists of prescriptions: Multiple uppers, antidepressants, mood stabilizers and other assorted drugs, ALL OF WHICH were stuffed into my mouth by my mother while I was still half asleep to keep me pliable under her influence. One of the diagnoses that destroyed my confidence was the claim of Autism/Asperger's, which I have found in the last few years of my life was actually a result of childhood trauma at the hands of a neglectful narcissistic and alcoholic mother, and an abusive philandering absentee father whose sole vision for me in life was to shape me into something that could validate their large and fragile egos. What really throws me though, is that none of these standards are verifiable outside of the scrutiny of subjective judgments based on the secondhand communication (parents to therapist) of behaviors. The rates of diagnosed autism have skyrocketed over the last decade, due in large part to the completely subjective nature of the diagnosis. If the kid's a little awkward, fuck it. Throw a label on him, because there's something wrong with him. After my diagnosis, my mom would toss it out as an excuse for why I couldn't do things like other kids. "You can't study like everyone else, you have Asperger's". Every time she said it like I was broken. It made me hate myself even more. It made me see myself as a victim of life. I've heard from other sources as well, including Tyler from RSD (love him or hate him) that his diagnosed Autism was actually the result of trauma which he was able to resolve. I know I'm not the only one, and that there are others with such identitarian psychological labels who may have struggled to see through the misconceptions of our "professional" medical system. I have hope that it's getting better, but I still think it's a serious issue that should be brought to light. Has anyone else had similar experiences relating to the medical/mental health field?