OrpheusNovum

@Joseph Maynor I knew I was gonna love you when I ego-vomited on Leo and you just listened. Some people act out to test boundaries.

@TheWaterRuss what are you trying to prove here?

As low as you feel, it's clear you're asking the right questions. I won't lie and say I'm at the right place myself - I still have conditional trauma and a degree of impulsivity in my behavior. Status, title and fame are subjective markers of worth we use to magnetize others to our position. What we don't realize in the acquisition of these things is that we begin a cycle of codependency. Gain status, meet people, feel good, want more, lather, rinse repeat. Eventually and continuously we reach a fork in the road where we either choose to escalate our behavior to acquire more in this cycle, or face the fact that no such metric truly exists when measured by its merits. Your pain and disillusionment are the first steps on the path to peace. “A man who has been through bitter experiences and travelled far enjoys even his sufferings after a time” -Homer

@Leo GuraOne of his less-than-finer moments was going off about soy, saying men shouldn't eat or drink it, because it's given to post-menopausal women for estrogen treatment. Research doesn't support the claim that the phytoestrogens in soy have any significant impact on estrogen or testosterone levels.

Inconsequential. Funny enough, I found out I'm good at something today that I never thought I'd have cared for. I used to tell myself I hated rap music, but apparently I can spit rhymes. Starting to realize I shut that out myself. We'll see if I do anything with it, though. I have other ideas. @Truth Addict Thanks for sharing, that does help.

It's freeing. Reminds me of Sadhguru referring to Shiva as a bottomless pit - if there's no bottom, there's no problem. You only have to worry if there's a bottom to the pit.

I don't believe in free will. I've seen past that illusion, albeit not completely.

My higher self told me I want to be a hero. I remember growing up Christian and being terrified he would go to hell because he doesn't believe in god. I think that's part of the conditioning. Another part of it is trying to validate my self-image. So I don't believe I would benefit. I guess I'm only seeking to prop myself up here and try to fortify a paper heart.

I question my motivation, in part. I'm also pretty heavily conditioned by the idea of loyalty and honor to family. There's also the fact that I'd love for my dad to grow as a person, but so far he's on his fourth marriage and can't see past a self-identification as a materialist. It's been extremely tense for a while, and I guess it would be accurate to say I don't think my loving him will be enough to change him, but I don't know that I can live with him being who he is.

AWESOME video. Going deep tonight.

Trust me, that's been the bulk of my work. I have sought to understand the depths of their childhood abuse and neglect, look past it and love them in spite of it. I think I put a lot of responsibility on them, but at the same time I'm not really keen to blame myself (or perhaps accept responsibility) for what I did when I was 11 and had no frame of reference for how to behave outside of what I internalized from my parents.

Ego is the mechanism by which we are driven to survive. Needs being met fulfill the requirements of ego. If the needs of the individual are met, the usefulness of ego is outlived (to put it simply).

@Nahm That's what I keep telling myself. I've been trying to write the same damn story for the last 11 years, but when it boils down I realize it started as a way to rationalize my painful experiences. It's moved away from that and become something entirely different, but I still haven't written anything palpable. I'm in a spot where I'm pissed I've gotten nothing done, amd I feel like even if I do, it'll take a long fucking time to make money doing what I love, so the only option I have in the meantime is selling my soul to capitalism.

@Nahm okay, but can you? I'm eager to hear what you have to say.

God is not the answer, but the question.

Guys, he's right. Just did the math. Turns out we're all actually Ross' half-eaten Thanksgiving sandwich from that one episode of Friends. Time to shut down the site and alert every monastery and spiritual teacher that this is a hoax.

MAH BEAUUUTIFUL MAHSCLES!

I was just thinking about this yesterday. The guy has a weird concept of masculinity. Pretty much admitted that he doesn't think women should be able to vote by omission. He has great dynamic meditations, just be careful of some of his rationalizations. Side note: he reminds me of Jorgen VonStrangle from the Fairly Oddparents.

What I would say is that human beings thus far are the ONLY SPECIES capable of rational thought. If it was a necessity in complex biological systems, it would have been an evolutionary trait across the board. In that consideration, there are limits to rationality.

One of the things I've really wanted answered on this journey relates to moments of knowing I've had where I'm able to perceive things as they happen or before they happen. For example, in a conversation with someone, I know not only what they're going to say, but every word they use to get to the point. I also had a moment of intuition a year before my mom died that told me it was going to happen. Does anybody know how to refine this process, or is it simply a matter of egolessness? Part of me speculates that it would be the result of a powerful or full connection with my higher self, such to the degree that I see beyond the screen of time, and connect with things on a fifth dimension, where all things happen at once.

3 A.M. right now, woke up halfway through the night, and I'm seriously fighting the urge to snack beyond the banana I had to fill me up. I know the moment I get started I'm going to lose control. I'm also a bit neurotic because I was planning to go perform stand-up with someone I really care about tonight, and they've had to reschedule on me the last two times, the first time for a family event and the second she got in a car accident. I've been debating the merits of keeping this person in my life - I have a habit of detaching and withdrawing when things get too painful. She's been drinking a lot more than I'm comfortable with, although she's made the admission she's gone overboard. I honestly think the people she hangs out with don't do her any favors, she's looking for validation and the next dopamine fix in her relationships, even though it's not the person I saw beneath that. She has taught me a lot about myself and my unhealthy patterns, and I know I can do the same for her. I know that this can get unhealthy if I'm not careful, but I believe love can bring the real her out of her shell.

Sweet fucksticks, really? I have no doubts about capitalism being the issue, though. Given rates of incarceration and suicide.

Went overboard with food again today, dealing with shame as I write this out. I'm also getting frustrated with the fact that I still haven't created anything palpable for the animated series/comic I've had sitting in my mind for so long. I have tons of ideas, but have not strung any of them together in a presentable fashion, and technology continues to be both a crutch and an escape. As I envision writing my story, I notice myself trying to bait myself into writing with promises of fame and greatness if I'm able to put something together. On the flipside, I'm also concerned that nobody will read it, and I'll have poured so much energy and thought into something that was never worth it in the first place.

@zambize Yeah, I wanted something that made me excited to journal in the lows. Plus it's a 152838% proven sciencified fact that it's impossible to be sad looking at penguins. Also requires me to contextualize the negative with humor.

Hey man, you're probably more developed than I am. I speculate it's because there's no need for her to react. She's REALLY skilled at deconstruction. Also, I hate that diagnosis. I posted something about it in the health forum that I think is really important for people to understand. So many diagnoses of Autism/Asperger's are a complete failure of the diagnostic standards of the psychiatric system, and it turned out to be unresolved trauma. That diagnosis had me believing I was a victim for a looooong time.