i have been thinking that i want to get enlightenment since five years ago, but yesterday i asked myself "do i really want to get enlightenment?", while contemplating this question i discovered that i actually wanted the results of enlightenment, not really breaking-through my self. So after i imagined my self getting really enlightened regardless the results... it scared me so much that i couldn't sleep well.
is this a sign that im not ready yet to break through my self?