@Nahm
Household was fine, really no problems there. I just got imprinted big time with the need to perform well and be successful at school and those sort of things, which I took to the level of trying to control my performance by controlling my body. I would come up with rational belief systems of how a body should work, figuring that I needed to have some model of my functioning through which I would be able to control myself effectively ( a bullshit way of science applied on myself). That obviously ended up being pretty neurotic and dysfunctional. In scenarios where i felt like I had to perform for some reason or another, I would get brainfog, my stomach would clinch together. I have played a lot of basketball in my life, most of it feeling pretty bad, wanting to throw up, stuff like that. I kind of ended up in the gutter that way emotionally. Besides this stuff, im largely doing fine. As I said before, I always had high expectations for myself, so discovering actualized.org made me able to channel my energy in to something useful, rather than just neurotically clinging to all of these expectations. Im going a solid 7, if you wanted me to rate things.
Because I grew up that neurotically involved with school and wanting to be good at whatever I did. I never stopped and asked if I actually liked what I was doing. As a kid I never had any desire for creativity, I was the kid that would buy legos and make only the things listed in the little guide books, and never even think about creating my own thing with them. But its not that I feel like im missing out, Ive looked long and hard at it whilst doing Leos life purpose course, but I just cant find a genuine interest in creativity.
If I were to change some things, it probably be my social situation. Im definitely doing ok, some people might even call me extroverted and very outgoing, but I have feeling that I need to go harder there. There is still quite some authenticity to be discovered i feel and some people pleasing stuff to clean up.
The thing I would change would obviously be this condition, its really something thats holding me back e.g. I get out of bed pretty late, because I dont want to deal with this problem today. Im not very tight with my scheduling, because my feelings get all over the place and I feel like I cant control them. The problem itself though and im pretty confident about this, is that Ive somehow imprinted myself with a belief that there is something that I need to change in order to feel good, which is obviously not the case. I just need to let go. The problem is communicating that to my body. Sometimes I can straighten myself out in a matter of seconds, when that thought hits me, much like you acquiring insight in to a problem. On other occasions I just get lost for a day, trying to change something that doesnt need changing.
Im sorry for these lengthy responses, I just kind of do this to go over things for myself as well I guess.
