Paul92

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Posts posted by Paul92

  2. Posted

    @ajasatya  There are many things I enjoy. Whoever 'I' am. I love playing guitar. I love driving. I love spending time with my friends. I love comedy. I love literature. But what's the point in all those things? Of course. I'm 26... I have everything I could want and more. I have my own house, secure steady job... no complaints in that regard.  My plan would be to just carry on as I am... I don't need a plan for when they pass. I think I will be going before them though.

    @Shaun Can't prove him wrong though. And it tallies up with a lot of what others are saying. Sure I don't have any experience of it myself. But do I need to? It's pretty clear that we, as individuals, don't exist... we aren't the body, we aren't the mind... so what are we? Makes no difference whether we live or die. It doesnt make it any easier though. And then nondualists come on here talking to each other like they are individuals... makes no sense to me. And I don't have the resolve to try and work it out anymore. I hate meditating. It freaks me out, I always end up having nightmares or really crazy visions.

  3. Posted

    @ajasatya Sure I can. Until about 3/4 weeks ago, I was with the girl of my dreams. Nobody else will ever compare to her. And now we don't speak and she has gone. My relationship with my parents is fine. They're loving. Gorwing up wasn't easy. They argued a lot and my dad was restrictive about what I was allowed to do. I guess I missed out on a lot of things compared to others. But it is what it is. Can't say it has affected me too greatly.

  5. Posted

    @ajasatya  I on't know what any of that really means :( I'm not being obtuse. Far from it. I want to understand, but I don't. I wish I could be my own authority. That is all I have ever been... but I don't know who I am or who anyone else is anymore... it's terrifying... have I gone mad?

     

    @Mikael89  Are you in the UK? I'll be in a straight jacket within an hour. I'll never see outside again. That's no way to 'live', whatever living is.

    Something needs to happen tonight. I can't carry on like this. It's not possible.

  7. Posted

    So I said I was going away. I didn't think I could feel any worse, but I do. 

    I've spent a lot of time investigating DMT experiences etc over the last couple of days. It's clear that many thousands of people think that the world isn't what it seems. 

    Does Paul exist? In spirit form? I don't think so. I don't know for sure, but it's unlikely. 

    This whole nonduality thing has totally destroyed my life. I've not had an experience of it, but i don't know if I want it either. 

    The thing is, when I read about DMT trips, people come back and still refer to themselves and others. Doesn't this go against everything said here? Leo is quite clear: you do not exist. So why do anything? 

    Why shouldn't I kill myself? Believe me, I want to end it so bad. I'm not scared of dying anymore, and I'm not scared of hurting others. In truth, they probably don't exist anyway. 

    Each day I wake up it gets harder and harder. I don't see any point in carrying on. I've googled all the possible ways of suicide. I don't want to jump off a bridge. I've set up a makeshift noose hanging from a beam in my loft, but that doesn't feel right. I tried to cut my wrists, then I fell asleep, but I woke up and the bleeding.had stopped.  I can't get my hands on pills to take. Truth is, killing yourself ain't easy, even when you've no desire to be here anymore. It's the strangest thing. 

    I tried meditating today using Leo's do nothing method. I just let go and ended up falling to sleep. I had an horrific dream and woke up drenched in sweat. 

    No appetite. No energy. Fuzzy head. Lost all hope. Reality isn't reality. 

    And for whatever people will say here, "get help, see a professional" - it's not going to fix anything. In truth, if you're all adhering to nonduality, it makes no difference if I jack it in or not. 

    So what are we doing here? I just read a post about sympathy on the other section. Why would we give sympathy to others if they don't exist? 

    Everything you say here is probably right. But it makes everything pointless. Utterly pointless. 

    If anyone has any ingenious tips on suicide or anything, please PM me. Anything that can help. Either dying or getting out of this. Shit I'd try dmt or something, but in the UK I've no idea how to source it. 

  8. Posted · Edited by Paul92

    Right, so this is my last post. I'm getting off here. I don't think it's healthy and I can't bear the word salad any longer.

    Too many questions that can't be answered.

    1. If pure higher consciousness/God consciousness, is the 'natural state', why aren't we already there? Also, why can't we stay there?

    2. Why do we have to take mushrooms/LSD/DMT to achieve this state of consciousness? LSD, I believe, is a man made concoction. Hmm.

    3. Meditation. Hmmm. Better than sitting around doing nothing, I suppose. Why do we have to sit still for hours on end, in an excruciating position, to achieve this selflessness? Makes zero sense.

    4. A lot of people here believe in the power of psychics, contacting souls etc. Hang about. That's a duality for a start.

    5. Crystals. I don't see it. I just don't. YouTube Derren Brown and dream catcher.

    6. Spiritual healing. Again, Derren Brown. Netflix "Miracles".

    7. Free will. Not convinced we have it. So why do we all sit about telling each other to do different things, like we have a choice. If everything is perfect, then why bother telling anyone anything?

    8. A lot of people talk here about self improvement. But if there is no you, who is to improve? Isn't everything perfect already?

    9. Everything isn't perfect. Great amounts of suffering the world. It's shit.

    10. In a universe of infinite possibilities, why can't it be that the universe is just how we see it? Why isn't duality an option?

    11. In a universe of infinite intelligence, why create an ego?

    12. Why bother with the human experiment? If everything is consciousness, why?

    13. If the universe loves itself, and is whole, why does it have to experience itself?

    14. People are always talking about their life goals. "I want to be a musician, I need to work on marketing for my big release". Seems a bit egoic right?? Why nt just enjoy the abundance of the now?

    15. Many on here have families. If your children get chopped to bits this afternoon, is that all light and love? Why did you bother having children?

    16. Why bother with relationships? With, ultimately, yourself?

    17. NDEs. All point to Jesus.

    18. Cherry picking bits of religions you like. Making it fit. Doesn't work.

    19. Who/what created consciousness. Oh nothing, because it isnt a thing etc. Okay.

    20. Everything is nothing and nothing is everything. Yawn.

    21. It's all about love but Mr. Gura doesn't care about people anymore. Wow. He's done a lot of drugs though, so. If he came out tomorrow, said he had a trip and claimed he met Jesus, and Jesus was the truth, you'd all believe him and change your views. Incredible.

    22. Too many people on here are massaging their spiritual egos. One/two worded replies to everything. Oh I am so enlightened. Riiiiiiight.

    23. As we say in Yorkshire, England, Al si thi! (I'll see you). YouTube Yorkshire speak if you like. It's great.

     

    This isn't for me. I don't know how anyone can live happily in a state of nothingness. Makes zero sense. The world is colourless. I'm outta here. I don't know what life is going to bring. I don't want to be here anymore, and if we are all being truthful, there are many others like me here. I've been signed off work for 4 weeks. I've got 4 weeks to basically do whatever the hell I want. I tried to end my life once, I'll probably try again. But I'm going to have some fun first.

    All I ever wanted to do was help OTHER people. NOT MYSELF.

    SI THI.

  25. Posted

    @Nahm  Maybe I am frustrating you. Do you know anyone who has OCD? Have you heard of Pure OCD? As in no outward compulsions, purely mental. My mind needs 100% certainty on everything. Man, if I could tell you all the themes my OCD has had in my life, you'd be amazed. Wondering whether I had HIV. Taking a test, and still not believing it because it didn't 'feel'l right in my head. That's just one crazy example. When I was 19, with my girlfriend of the time, I had to confess every single thought I had to her (compulsion) that I believed might have been unfair or unfaithful. Same with my last girlfriend. I didn't confess anything actually, but it tried attacking her in the same way. This is why my mind is stubborn. It is not so easy for me to just let go of things. My mind is hyper hyper active. I'm sorry. I don't really know what peoples' stance on things such as OCD are on here, whether it is a real thing or not. But if youd experienced it, you might understand. This is why this is so scary... because my mind needs 100% certainty on something that ultimately, I can't get certainty on.