Paul92

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Posts posted by Paul92

  5. Posted

    I know understand there is no 'me' or 'you'. It's pretty obvious. Which is hard for this body/mind, or whatever it is, to process. I'm in a complete meltdown again, and I've been looking for a way out. My doctor put me on anti depressants and I started taking them a few days ago and the anxiety and suicidal thoughts have just gone through the roof.

    I was always someone who thrived off our individuality. On us being separate entities. I have said before I loved helping other people, because I wanted to make a difference to their absolute unique experience. Knowing that we can't possible be individuals, even though we feel like it, takes a lot of colour out of this existence, from this perspective.

    I think I have to start the 'path'. Because it is the only hope I have left to enjoy whatever this is and not suffer. I am tired of suffering (though, before I realised the truth, I can't say I suffered as much) But my greatest realisation, above everything, is that there is no 'me'. Which, as I say, takes the colour out of the experience. Others on here might say that it makes the experience lighter, but at the moment, that is not how it seems for me.

    So what do I have to do?

    I try and be present but it is unbelievably difficult. Is this where I start?

    Can anyone help me, please?

    My ego heart is broken at the moment, as I ballsed up a relationship with a girl. After I realised that basically, I was falling for something that isn't real. But the pain is real. The thought of her with someone else is devastating, even though I know, it's not real!

    Please, I really need help. I have a lot of questions.

  7. Posted

    @NoSelfSelf How can you share authentic joy with yourself?

     

    @Shin What is there to know? If 'me' and 'her' are the same thing, nothing can be exchanged. The only thing that can be exchanged is things between two egos, which are not 'real'.

     

    I'm just trying to understand. I thought I loved another human being - an individual. But what I loved was an illusion. STILL, that hurts, because the experience was incredible.

  12. Posted

    @Shin It is a beautiful experience. But I think it loses its colour if you are not actually loving another seperate entity. If the woman was an individual soul, then that is fair enough. But if we are one soul, it doesn't make much sense and you are enamored with an illusion.

     

    @NoSelfSelf I loved that relationship even though it was short lived. My main focus was to just try and ensure that I made her life more enjoyable. But then I realised that 'she' is not real... it just makes me wonder why bother..

  14. Posted · Edited by Paul92

    I'm trying my best to do the work to wake up.

    I was seeing a girl for over 2 months. We had some incredible times. I really fell for her. But more and more I began to realise I was clinging onto an illusion.And then she got a bit nervous it was all happening too fast. So we have gone out seperate ways.

    The thing is, I know that I haven't really lost anything, as what I feel for was a mental construct.. she wasn't an absolute thing for me to love, was she?

    But it still hurts. 'Her' stuff is still at my house... my bed still smells like her and my mind makes the link to happy times we had together. I do miss 'her'.

    Is this just my ego trying to survive?

  15. Posted · Edited by Paul92

    1 hour ago, DrewNows said:

    What are you searching for in this stuff?

    (other than yourself) who says you can't see other people as unique individuals? 

    Can you prove there is no 'you'?

    I guess I'm just looking for certainty on what reality is. What the universe and what we are. We know we are something, clearly. But like I say, I have a form of OCD (I understand that to many on here saying stuff like, oh I have OCD, sounds like complete bullshit). My mind can't deal with uncertainty about some things. Last week I was crying my eyes out on my sofa because I felt I had been unfaithful to my GF because I told my friend at work that I agreed that her boyfriend was lucky to have her! I was questioning my intentions etc. If there is potential for uncertainty, I go crazy. What is more uncertain than reality?

    I guess I can't prove there is no 'me'. Would seeing people as individuals not be the truth though?

    To be honest, my life has always unfolded just as science has always suggested. I've never had an enlightenment experience. But when I start looking at things like biology, I start questioning what actually makes me, and everyone else humans.

  16. Posted

    2 minutes ago, DrewNows said:

    don't mistake existence as something "you" had a choice in, but know it could not be any other way. It seems you have adopted some beliefs related to your experience giving you a limited perspective. Beliefs don't exist unless you think they do. Have you adopted beliefs from Leo? Look where this has gotten you. It doesn't mean we can't trust someone and enjoy their words of wisdom, but we don't have to make them our own

    My advice: until you have figured out "who you are", do not cling to ideas of an "ultimate truth" 

    I don't know where it all came from. I was always happy believing we were all human monkeys, with our own experiences on this quite lovely little planet. But then I got into this stuff and it opened a can of works in my mind. A can I wish I never hoped I'd opened because it has genuinely taken the colour out of everything. 

    I like to look at people as unique individuals. As individual animals. They are born, they age and then die. 

    The thing is I don't subscribe to a lot of stuff that comes with enlightenment. I. E channeling, psychics, spiritual healing etc. I just don't at all. 

    But who are we if our bodies are just an arrangement of stardust that is constantly changing. There can't be a 'you'. 

  17. Posted

    It's so hard. It's so cruel. 

    The girl I'm seeing. I love loving her and making her feel loved. I wanted to make HER experience as wonderful as possible. Me just spending my time with Her makes my experience wonderful. 

    But there is no her, right? 

    All I have today is sleep and vomit. I can't even move out of bed for anxiety. What life is this? 

    What sort of creator would create such an illusion and cause such suffering? It makes no sense. 

  18. Posted

    I preferred living in the illusion. Life had meaning. I felt like an individual. I felt others were individuals and unique. I could invest my time in other people. I could love other people. Laugh with other people. 

    Now life has lost its colour. 

    I'd say I feel alone but I guess there is no me. 

    This experience was much more enjoyable before. Seems like a bit of a sick joke to be honest. 

  19. Posted

    So, yeah, I guess I'm a place where I can't argue much about there being no 'me'. I'm a bunch of atoms that have existed forever. 'My body' replaces itself over and over again. There can't be a 'me', I get it.

    But I feel so numb and hopeless. Like seriously.

    A lot of people on here know I struggle with my mind. In the illusionary world, I've been diagnosed with OCD. But I don't know if this is an OCD thing or just me struggling with the fact that I don't exist.

    I started feeling better a few weeks ago. I told myself, look, I'm a human being, I just inhabit a planet, I don't know why I am here, let's just enjoy it with other people and have a good experience. I'm an animal, like any other, I can just wander about doing what I want. Have some fun and make the best of every day. Eat nice food, have a drink, make jokes, laugh etc.

    I met a girl and yes I got attached. I just enjoyed her company. I thought wow, she's someone to enjoy this experience with. Another animal, like me.

    But she's not real. Again, a bunch of particles. There's not a single atom in her 'body' that was there when she was born. So she's an illusion. I get it.

    It's just hard though, you know? Being a human wasn't perfect, but it had meaning and I felt like I was living. It certainly felt better than whatever this is now.

    Leo says enlightenment is when you can stare at your hand long enough and realise it isn't you. Well, I seem to be able to do that pretty easily now. It just makes me feel really sick.

    What I don't understand, however, is why bother with the human body. Why create this? If we are just a bunch of particles, why do I find the female form attractive? Why do I have a penis? I know, technically, I don't... but there is SOMETHING there. Why does this 'body' have eyes, ears, nose and a mouth?

    But I know there is simple nothing unique about 'me'. It's just hard to come to terms with it. When you spend your entire 'existence' loving people and loving certain things and then you realise that, ultimately, they don't exist, it kinda hurts.

  21. Posted

    On 3/1/2019 at 4:14 PM, JohnnyBravo said:

    @Paul92

    I respect and honour your honesty. No need to pressure yourself to believe things that just arent sticking. Youre better off being honest with yourself rather than cheating a belief system.

    I argue you arent required to understand these things or 'get' them in order to have a happy ride in life!

     

    Osho has advocated to people that for someone who doesnt believe in the Magic of Life that there is only one remedy: utterly go and fall in love. I know you said you dont believe esoteric stuff, but Osho has a theory that if a person is too much of a living walking calculator, and someone stubborn, that Life will send them a woman his way purely for the purpose of falling in love. Sounds like things are going well.

     

    I would point out, you said you had a great date, but already youre thinking of the element of lack/fragility/missing out future opportunities or the enjoyment of them.

    Enjoy them! Bask in the good feeling! Let yourself be high on the emotional swing for ages! 

    I think youre keeping yourself safe and within safety zones of your psyche that prevents you fully enjoying yourself without feeling guilty.

    I want to hear more of you....You sound very mature and very aware of how your mind can work in certain ways.

    How would you feel if you sincerly did believed in the Beauty of Life? Hypthetically?.....

    Or please let me know ive misunderstood. Sincerely wish to help even though this is an online forum and connection is (seemingly) diminished.

     

    I have to admit that I really don't believe in esoteric things. I just haven't experienced it, so I can't believe.

    I know that I have been diagnosed with a severe anxiety disorder and OCD, which I know is also controversial here as many don't believe in such things. I HAVE experienced having those issues though, which are things that seem to align with materialism. Again, I might be wrong.

    I have posted before that before I had a depressive incident before Christmas and came across the Power of Now, I lived quite a happy life. I felt I had purpose. I woke up pretty much every day with excitement. I never considered existential issues. I knew one day I would die, but I was happy to play my part in the advancement of civilisation. I'm a humble guy and I love the small things in life: good company, enjoying music etc. As I've gotten older, I became more content with just being alive and being around people that make me laugh.

    I do believe in the beauty of life! That is my point :) Life IS wonderful. Look at this planet. People are wonderful. Loving a woman is beautiful. I think even grieving a passed loved one is a beautiful process. I know it is attachment, but I have a real attachment to life. This girl too... to paraphrase Forrest Gump, I'm not a smart man but I know what love is. We've had some great times already.

    I just find it heartbreaking that the current prediction is that the universe will end one day. And all of us will cease to exist. Isn't that horrible? All our memories will vanish and not be experienced by anything or anyone.

    If someone told me the universe would just expand forever, and it would be up to the human race to try and survive, then I believe we could do it and I would not fear death. Because I know in some way, through documentation, memories and stories, we would ALL live on some way and we would all be playing our part in our survival. To me, THAT is a beautiful thing. I don't see the beauty in forcing myself to be attached to anything, and just sitting around doing nothing.

     

  22. Posted · Edited by Paul92

    @Hellspeed Any examples, please?

     

    @Aaron p  I'm sorry but I struggle to be convinced. I find your post very interesting and clearly you hold firm beliefs.

     

    @Pouya  This is always my point. This all just another story we tell ourselves to try and deal with the harsh realities of being a human monkey. Humans always try and find away of making themselves the centre of the universe when in fact we are just as insignificant as any other animal in the grand scheme of things. If a baby was born in a forest, and somehow managed to grow into a small child without assistance from any others, it wouldn't go around believing it is the master of everything it sees. It would act like any other animal. It would try to protect itself. It would feel pain. And then if it came across friendly creatures, it would form bonds. 

    Maybe I'm wrong. I hope I am. I love this planet, I really do. I love everyone in my life. I just have to come terms with the fact it can't go on forever.

  23. Posted

    @Markus  Thanks for that. What you say does make sense, to an extent.

    The more we love something the more suffering you can experience. I get that. But I don't see it as a bad heartbreak. If you are with someone all your life, you love them unconditionally, and they pass, then sure it is gutting that they have died, but you still have your memories. And grieving their passing is still a beautiful thing, in my eyes. Grieving is a beautiful thing, can't anyone see that?

    I know we will have ups and downs but there's always that possibility of underlying love that will remain constant. I know elderly couples who have been together since their teenage years. It's beautiful.

    What upsets me is just the fact that it looks likely - as science predicts today - that those beautiful stories and memories won't live on with human kind forever.

    What I'm saying is, if I knew this earth/universe was to last forever, I wouldn't care about dying one bit. And I'd probably never feel sad again, after everything I've been through. Because I could take comfort in the fact that in some way, we ALL live on.

  24. Posted

    @Highest I know it should be about enjoying the time we have. That's the thing, I love life so much that I do fear death. If someone told me that the universe will exist forever, then I could accept death. Because I'd feel I'd played a tiny part in the advancement of humankind and the universe. That would be a worthwhile purpose, in my eyes.

    I do love life, the ups and the downs. Which is why I always felt relatively happy. I guess I never realised that the universe will collapse one day. I know you might think it is a long time away, but if something is absolutely guaranteed to happen, then hasn't it already happened? Any book maker would pay out on something that they'd discover to be guaranteed.

     

    @TheAvatarState I didn't mean something to live for being 'her' exactly. I meant that life is great, especially when shared with people you love. I'm not saying she gives me meaning. But she makes me realise that life can really be fun. Which, again, is why I am crushed because I'd hate for this to end.

  25. Posted

    @TheAvatarState  Respectfully buddy, I honestly think you're way off here. Not being an arse, but I think you're missing my point. I've been single for over 6 years. I was happy before. I never considered existential issues. I was just happy. She's come along at a point where I as at my lowest and made me realise that I might have something to live for. The only issue is of course, it can't last forever and I'll be dead before I know it. Life goes by that fast, we are dead before we know it. It breaks my heart that really I love life, but it isn't going to last.