Paul92

@Leo Gura I see what you are saying. Yes, if I just sit and just actually consider why there is this thing, why there is colour, materials etc. I'm not sure if I would say that it feels empty... it feels like there is something on the other side of it for me... something you can't touch but there is something there, a space with something there but I don't know what.

@Leo Gura So how do you know something exists if it's impossible to comprehend? Assuming nothingness is something, of course.

@Joseph Maynor It's difficult. One of the reasons we finished is because I went 'weird' because I could only see her as an illusion. An ego, something that whatever she is, thinks she is. Which she isn't right? I struggle to find that I can love an illusion. It terrifies me. I will watch that video when I am home from work. I like Sadhguru. He seems to make it clear that it is okay to be human. I've seen videos of him saying that clearly there is only one person in that body. If there isn't, you're either schizophrenic or you need an exorcism. But doesn't that go against everything everyone says on this forum? Id love nothing more than to try and pursue her again and have a wonderful relationship with another 'real' entity. But I just can't see how I will see anyone as a seperate thing again. I WANT to love OTHERS, not just an illusion of myself.

Also, if there is no duality, then me as a self and as God, must be one? So the ego must be real... I am God being me?

Everyone here is meant to be enlightened, yet you're all still refering to your own opinions and yourselves as 'I'. I don't get it. Can we ever know the truth? I don't know if I want this experience if we are not individuals. But I am so tired of feeling like this.

@Nahm Thank you for that. I really appreciate it. I can't carry on like this, so I have to do something. I'd really appreciate a conversation over PM or something, please. I don't want to be smart or impressive. I do want to be happy of course. As for the relationship, I can promise you I never saw it as my way of being happy. I would never tell anyone that their entire happiness should rest on a relationship with another. I enjoyed it though. It was good to see another human being happy, too. So I would do things to make her happy. She's suffered herself and is a nervous wreck at times. So I wanted to help her. Even after we have broken things off, I do not bare any bad feelings towards her at all. I wouldn't want a hair on her head harmed. I just miss her that's all. Permission to be human, please?

@FoxFoxFox Well it's clearly a fabrication of the mind. But how can any living creature not have a sense of self? Shouldn't we just take control our narrative?

Which is, essentially, where I think I am at right now. Everything has lost its colour and I really don't know how it'll come back. For me, being an individual human, and others being individual humans meant everything. It's what I thrived off. It's going to take a lot of processing I think.

@Serotoninluv Appreciate the compassion, thank you. I just want to be me, but I don't know what me is anymore.

Meanwhile, still in the midst of an existential breakdown here. This is what frustrates me. There's a lot of EGO on this forum.

@Dumb Enlightened Can we be absolutely certain that it is God's body? Who/what created God's body?

@FoxFoxFox I think I need time to figure this out and how I can do it. @Dumb Enlightened I can't just return to normality. All I think now is that everyone around me is an illusion, an ego. What I don't understand is that people like Sadhguru (I really like him actually, compared to other teachers), claims that we are individuals... sometimes we are wonderful, sometimes we are not, sometimes we are happy, sometimes we are sad. There is only one person in the body. Doesn't this conflict with everything we are saying here?

@Shaun Easier said than done to just returning to normality, whatever that is for me now. I just find it impossible to not see myself as myself. There are so many conflicting ideas on here. Someone says one thing, someone else says another. A materialist will explain it quite straightforwardly and there will be a general consensus. But neither can say there is a self. Sam Harris even says the self is an illusion. It is living in that illusion that I really don't know if I can stomach. It really doesn't make anything lighter for me.

@NoSelfSelf Right, okay, thank you. That is starting to make more sense. I'd argue, though, that life would be more colourful if we was all absolute individuals. There would be more room for growth there, surely? I say that I miss her. Who or what am I missing? Is it bad to miss someone?

@Dumb Enlightened Thanks for the link. I think I understand. Think of the things that bring me that awful emotion and just sit with it and sit with it. It will lose its power eventually? Isn't this like exposure and response therapy? haha @Shaun I think I know what you're saying but I'm not 100%. Isn't that just saying we are all part of the same thing but we are separate? @Serotoninluv Really not sure what you're saying here.

@NoSelfSelf You've not given me any answer.. you've pretty much just agreed that we are illusions...

@NoSelfSelf I don't understand how you reach this conclusion. I wasn't being provocative, just asking genuine questions...

@Shaun I don't think I can get back with her now. I just don't know if I can commit to something that isn't real. @FoxFoxFox I can see that I am identifying with I. But it is very difficult to just drop that. Practical tips would be helpful. @Dumb Enlightened I'm trying my best to just let go, but it seems forced. Which I appreciate is just my ego trying to survive.

@Leo Gura I appreciate what you are saying. But why do you still refer to yourself as you, and why are you often quite unpleasant? I appreciate you taking the time to write to me, but I always get the impression you're angry, when all I am doing is looking for a way to find out the true nature of our reality and to stop suffering. @FoxFoxFox What I struggle with is when people on here refer to as other people. Like they're a separate entity. If people were unique entities, I could accept a lot of things. The break up does hurt, yes. Well, the memories do. I still have her dressing gown at my house and the smell of it as I walk past it on the door makes me cry. It brings back the amazing nights we spent together. I started the anti depressants not just because of the break up. I have been struggling since the turn of the year. Like I say, a lot of the colour has been drained out of me when I came to realise that there is no 'me'. It's a mental fabrication. Therefore. there is no one else, either. For 26 years, I have pretty much based my entire life motivation on ensuring that others have a good time and feel appreciated. I don't know what I have left now. @Shaun I'm not sure why everyone automatically agrees with Leo. You don't have to, I guess. You see, I'm not even totally convinced we are one consciousness experiencing itself. I believe consciousness is a process of the brain, actually. But even then, there is still no self. There is no part of what you think of as you, is 'you'. This makes life very difficult. If you're a materialist, could you say what makes you 'you' is your genetics, and your DNA? I don't know. What do you mean that my finite mind is not the only one? I will check out Spira, thanks for that. Nice to hear from someone going through the same thing. @Aakash Sometimes I wonder whether an unconscious life is actually the real bliss. Ignorance is bliss, as they say

@NoSelfSelf No, I absolutely was there to give. I'd do everything for her, purely for her experience to be as pleasant as possible. But there is no 'her'. There is an ego 'her' but not a real her. So I wasn't actually making anyone's experience better. Can't anyone see this?

@Highest Because there is no 'me'. So there can't be God, if I am God. Also, who created God? @mandyjw This is at the core of my anxiety. Living life as if it is real, knowing it is not. Zero colour in that. @Jkris I thought we was God?

@Jkris obviously not

@Highest Well, obviously God is left. God is not me though.

@Highest how do I start that? There is no me. The Self if an illusion. I'm genuinely not so far away from just throwing myself off a bridge because this is all too much to handle. I don't see how bliss or happiness can be achieved here. I need practical steps.

@Aakash I want to get out of this depth of darkness I'm in. Whether that means the enlightenment path, or finding out the truth through materialism, it doesn't matter. I just want this to end. I can't even tell you how I feel right now. Maybe it's the medication messing with my mind. But it makes zero sense to me that we can be one and individuals at the same time. Or that an illusion is real. So that would be the ego okay, wouldn't it?