Paul92

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Everything posted by Paul92

  1. I think the point is that it is okay to feel angry, but probably not the wisest move to let that anger spill over into violence as you'll only perpetuate negative feelings. But if you feel sad about something, then it is okay to feel sad. In a way, you were meant to feel sad at that moment. But that seems to go against a lot of teachings. Are we meant to feel that emotion at that time, or do we get a choice in what we feel?
  2. @cetus56 Thank you for the link. I read it and it was helpful. See right now, I miss someone in my life. And when I think of them my heart sinks. What do I do? I don't chose to feel like this, do I?
  3. @zambize It makes a lot of sense, thanks. It seems quite a practical way of living on the face of it. Just a lot of conflicting messages floating around here at the moment. I miss her. Whatever she is. What am I to do? Who knows... why do I feel as though I miss her? Is that an egoic thing or not? If I just go with it, it feels good. But am I feeding my ego? Hmm
  4. @zambize So whatever I feel, I am meant to feel? Whatever I think, I meant to think? If I sit here now and say I miss her deeply, I want to try and see her again, that's fine? I guess I haven't chose to feel like that, but I simply do.
  5. @zambize Thanks for that, really. So what you're saying is just don't resist what you feel? I kind of feel as though it is egoic... but something is telling me to try and get her back. But I don't know.. All I know is I still have intense love for her and I miss her.
  6. Still confused about a lot of things and still quite anxious. I miss my ex, but I feel like I shouldn't?? Everytime I think of her or anything my heart sinks.
  7. I spoke to my dad today. I've never told him about my problems before. He has an interest in enlightenment after a life of suffering. He had a breakdown last year. He basically said just stop resisting what is and enjoy your life. Which is simple, but makes sense. Still struggling to see other people as individuals though. Maybe they are, maybe they aren't.
  8. @Aakash You absolutely don't choose your own thoughts. Think of something random now. Anything. Where did it come from? You can't think a thought before you thought it. So we have no free will. You're just hard wired to survive. You're like a machine. There is no you running things in your head.
  9. Well guys, I don't know if I can carry on anymore. I woke up this morning and didn't recognise anything. I'm not real. You're not real. Nothing is real. I haven't gone into work and I'm sat here considering how meaningless it all is. If I die right now, there is no i of course, it wouldn't matter. I loved this world. I loved helping other people. I love creating a world for us. But there is no 'us'. People on this forum constantly say 'i think this', 'i think that', 'you need to'. But there is none of that. That is essentially what you are saying. The amount of arguing and separation between everyone boggles the mind. @Nahm @Serotoninluv @cetus56Thank you for your help, but I don't see a way back. Maybe my ego is just too big to dissolve. I can't live in a world where I am nothing and other people are nothing. All I ever wanted was to spend my time here with the people I love and to love them. Has anyone ever considered that trying to kill the ego might be a trap? That what you resist, persists. Can you ever get rid of your ego? The ego let this phenomena that I call 'me' enjoy the experience. Now I have uncovered it, there is nothing to enjoy.
  10. @Joseph Maynor Well, unfortunately, she ain't my GF any longer. Which really hurts. But it's my doing, I think. All I want to know is whether she is real. And this forum doesn't seem to give me a real answer to that. I could try and get her back. But how do I see past the illusion of her sense of self... what is there left to love then? I loved her mind, her humour, everything.
  11. I'm trying my best to do the work to wake up. I was seeing a girl for over 2 months. We had some incredible times. I really fell for her. But more and more I began to realise I was clinging onto an illusion.And then she got a bit nervous it was all happening too fast. So we have gone out seperate ways. The thing is, I know that I haven't really lost anything, as what I feel for was a mental construct.. she wasn't an absolute thing for me to love, was she? But it still hurts. 'Her' stuff is still at my house... my bed still smells like her and my mind makes the link to happy times we had together. I do miss 'her'. Is this just my ego trying to survive?
  12. @OBEler Thanks for that. It's really tough at the moment. Wish I'd never come across any of this at times.
  13. @Serotoninluv Thank you for taking the time to write all that out to me. Much appreciated. At this point in time, all I want is someone to talk to and try and get a grip on what is happening to me. So thanks. I know what you are saying about how you could not unsee the illusion. Don't get me wrong, I am not ENTIRELY convinced of the illusion as of yet. But it seems pretty convincing. If I could pinpoint the Self as an absolute entity, I'd be out of this in a moment. For instance, if I could believe that you, me and everyone else were individual souls, even in monkey bodies, that lived on after this existence or whatever, I don't think I'd ever be depressed again. Because I know that we are all individual on some level and that we'd never actually die. How wonderful. But I don't see that. What was your direct experience of that we are seperate and one? I could think, yes we are clearly all separate, but within the universe, we are clearly one. But I don't that is what people are saying here. I'm just trying to understand that's all, please forgive me if I seem to be being deliberately obtuse or something. Not my intention. I think these tablets are really screwing with my head and body too. I had an half day at work today and just came home and tried sleeping but it's not possible. My head feels physically very strange and I keep having muscle spasms. It's a strange sensation. I know that colours are illusions. Essentially waves that my mind interprets one way. A dog's brain might interpret them as purple or black. But the illusion of someone you love seems a bit more significant to me than a colour I'm still reeling from leaving this girl. Is it bad to miss her? Honestly, the times we had were phenomenal. To love and be loved in return.
  14. Well, technically, what we experience is never now. There is a time lag between the input and the process through the senses and into the brain which converts the data.
  15. But it isn't me, as I consider myself. And everyone will say that I am looking for your eyes and you are looking through mine. If Paul was looking through Paul's eyes that would be great. If my ex, Rebecca, was looking through Rebecca's eyes, that would be great. We are all having our own experiences, that'd be wonderful.
  16. @Shaun I'd agree, only I don't see any joy in not being able to celebrate individuality or make something else feel loved. Why have love within us to only share it with yourself? Seems a bit selfish.
  17. @Serotoninluv You say your friend.. this is what I mean... your friend isn't a separate identity from you. That is what hurts me. That I am not 'me', which I am quite happy being actually (not in this current state), and my friends are not they. We are in terms of an ego, but the ego is an illusion. I love the world. Its brilliant. I love music. I love art. I love reading history. I love watching movies. I love food. I love other people. But if it all just me, then what is there to discover? @Anna1 It's difficult. I understand the Self is an illusion in the sense that a lot of it is stories that we tell ourselves. I just don't like the idea that there is something else looking through my eyes and everyone else's. Sorry, it seems like a cruel ploy. @cetus56 It's not a feel good book at all. It would have been brilliant if it was just about how you don't have to identify with YOUR negative thoughts. But like I've said above, it's a book about destroying your sense of self, or your ego. Which I know is difficult and probably why I am here. If I'm not real, then my loved ones aren't. And that's a lot to take in right now.
  18. @Shaun I'm not sure that is what they are saying. I might be wrong, honestly, you probably know more than me. The way I see it is that everyone here is saying that the mind that whatever this bit of consciousness has (what you think of as you) has created an illusion of self that you identify with. Lose that sense of self, which is attainable through losing all your thoughts, and then you realise that we are all one consciousness just looking through different eyes. Which seems equally as grim to me currently. So basically, destroy yourself, and destroy your perceptions of others.
  19. @Anna1 If someone could just tell me that my friends and family are real entities I'd be happy. 10000000% In fact, I've never been religious, but if everyone here was claiming that we are all individual souls in monkey bodies, damn I would sign up right now. I habour nobody anyone any hatred. All my life I have tried to be fair to everyone, because I saw people as individuals. It's just hard to lose the very thing that always made you tick..
  20. @cetus56 It's difficult to say exactly but around the turn of the new year when I read Tolle's PON. My dad told me about it and I had just gotten tinnitus, and I thought it was a book about some sort of CBT to be able to just focus yourself away from things. At first, I think I misinterpreted it. Like many people. I thought in saying "you are not your mind", I thought it meant that nobody's true nature is negative/unfair etc etc. I thought it meant that you don't have to believe the stories you tell yourself. But it is much deeper than that. It is actually saying, of course, that you don't exist! And neither does anyone else. We are just forms being made by God/Presense/Consciousness. I wasn't completely sold on that. I've always been a materialist. And even now I don't subscribe to a lot of 'woo'. I sort of believe that consciousness is a process of the brain. So I got a little happier... And then around a week or so ago I realised that we are not our bodies. Every single atom that makes up our bodies has existed forever. I was in a relationship then, and it scared me to think that my girlfriend was not an absolute entity. I could kiss her on the cheek one day, then within a week, I'd be kissing an entirely different body. So which bit of her was real? Her mind? No, because the mind is not something tangible. I went searching for answers but even materialists like Sam Harris say that the self is an illusion. I was diagnosed with OCD many years ago and do go through periods of crazy rumination and I always want certainty on things. But who is the I? So I thought I need to accept it and give the whole nondual thing a fair shot. And I still want to. But right now, it still hard to process. I was a person who always thrived off our individuality. I've never had a huge ego in the traditional sense of thinking I am something I'm not. I'm just a very normal person, I don't particularly strive for anything other than having a laugh with my friends and helping other people. But if those people are not individuals then I don't know how to get out of bed in a morning the same way. @bejapuskas Thank you, appreciated.
  21. @cetus56 I've been like this for months. It's not as easy as just not feeling like this. Existence just feels like a sick joke at the moment.
  22. @Shaun But they will tell you that there is no you. Just a mental fabrication that you think is you. I agree it is fucked up. Unbelievably fucked up. If God was infinite intelligence, why allow an ego?
  23. @cetus56 Why did God create the ego? Why are we allowed to feel separate? Right now I just don't know what to do. I'm seriously just thinking about ending it. I am so fed up of this feeling. Life is utterly utterly pointless and everything I ever valued is not real. I honestly do not know how people can come on here and not feel the same way.
  24. @cetus56 Hmm. Guys, I don't know how much longer I can hold on. My head is so dark at the moment. I know I started taking Sertraline (Zoloft) a few days ago and every day I feel worse. My body feels so strange. I can't eat or sleep. I keep having muscle spasms and there is this real sense of darkness in my head. I miss 'my' old life. People/friends/family all meant something to me. I thought I was real, with my own personality and values. When I loved people, I love THEM, not an all pervasive entity that is playing with itself. I just watched an Adyashanti video and he keeps talking about 'your life'. But it isn't 'your' life is it? Your ego think it is 'your' life, but there is no you. I can never understand why teachers refer to 'you' still as you, like you're a separate entity.
  25. @cetus56 I think I get it. Not 100% though. Why would God have to create me?