Paul92

@Nahm I see what you're saying but I don't think the analogy you used is in anyway comparable to what is going off here. Sure, i've played in bands since I was 14. I could explain what it is like to play live to someone who never has. And it wouldn't be the same as them experiencing it. But the fundamentals are still there. You stand on a stage and you play in front of people. And nonduality, existence and everything, is on a different scale, surely? Oh by the way, you don't exist! There is no Paul! Nor do your friends or family! We are all the same thing just playing itself out. But until you've experienced it, you wont understand that we are all the same thing and you don't exist! Everyone here, and others who have had experiences, all say that we don't exist and reality is an illusion. But you don't need to go with that evidence... even though logically, you can see how it might be true. But hey, you are still you! But you aren't! Wtf... Come on man, you must appreciate how bonkers this sounds. @Jkris Yeh, I guess I am taking him at his word. Because many other experiences seem to correlate with what he is saying. And you can't escape that life might not be all it seems. And well, frankly, if it isn't, then I have no desire to be here, whatever I am. I don't know what comes next, but I suspect not a lot, weirdly. Anyone can have my money, all tht I have. I don't care about material possessions. I care about being Paul, and others being them. But who are they?!? Who are my loved ones? They don't exist! I don't want to play this game anymore I really don't. I'll die before I ever get put in a crazy house. I'm not sharing their number with anyone. I spoke to my dad and told him him where I was at. He told me basically what some people say here. He told me to read Tolle. Which put me in the position I am in now. This whole thing is nihilism. It really is. It makes everything utterly pointless. @Mikael89 My friend, appreciate the input, but I'd rather be dead than be put in one of those places. Sorry, just how it is. My life is never going to be how it was before, and I can't stand that. I'm just surviving at the moment, and I don't know how. I was cutting myself again last night, just hoping that I'll get it right and there's no turning back. I'm so sick of this joke of an existence. I still don't understand how those of you who say you have had experiences of nonduality can all just carry on referring to others as others. Why pursue a girl? If she is you? Why pursue sex? If you are making love to yourself... or a bunch of random particles. Makes zero sesne. Life, in this form, is a joke. I don't know what comes next, which makes killing yourself harder. Maybe it is worse than here. I don't know. Maybe there is nothing. Just black. @Shaun Shaun, I can't be bothered with it. You shouldn't have to battle to exist. It's a nonsense. The whole infinite intelligence thing stinks. Which might be as to say that I stink. I don't know. But why would infinite intelligence need the ego. Or give each thing a sense of self. It's a joke. Why give a thinking mind if we aren't supposed to have one. Ohhh it's to survive. Why does the whole, one, infinite intelligence have to work to survive. It's bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. But I'll enver get it out of my head now, ever. Life can't return to how it was, I've come too far. And I can't sit around meditating. It freaks me out, I hate it. I fall asleep and have nightmares. Like the messed up dreams I have every single night. I'm so tired, just completely and utterly fed up. I wish you all the best, whatever you are man, I just can't do this much longer. It's just finding the right way out at the right moment, which will present itself I am sure. @Rilles As 'Paul', whoever or whatever that is, I have so much gratitude for many things. For merely existing. I always thought that way. I have gratitude for my health. For my family, for my friends, for being reasonably intelligent, for my job, for my house... for many many things. But who the F is Paul?! He doesn't exist. So, thus, life has no meaning. If we don't exist and everything is fine how it is, then what is the point. People can't really argue with that. I hate meditating, I'll be honest. It freaks me out.

@ajasatya Hmm. I did enjoy my life. But when you take a step back and realise it's probably not all what it seems, I find it difficult to go back there and enjoy it again. I've said many, many times that the thing that kept me going in life was other people. People as individual entities, real humans, maybe even with a soul. Without being able to enjoy real people, then I've got nothing to live for. @Nahm Appreciate that. But you still can't explain to me how my interpretation of nonduality is wrong. Trust me when I tell you, if I show up at a mental health practitioner's here in the UK and start telling them about my fears, like whether I am real etc, I will be locked up. Seriously. The Mental Health Act. I'll be sectioned, end of. I'd rather be dead. I want to be dead, I do, I swear on my eyes, I want to be dead. It's just doing it!!!

@Good-boy Mate, if I could just go to sleep knowing I wasnt going to wake up, I'd be fine with that. If I could press a button and then that's it, nothing, I'd do it right now. But every way of killing yourself is such a shitty process with risks it will go tits up. I'm sick of all of this. I'm sick of it all.

@Farnaby If you're everything, then you're just eating yourself. Makes no difference.

@ajasatya There are many things I enjoy. Whoever 'I' am. I love playing guitar. I love driving. I love spending time with my friends. I love comedy. I love literature. But what's the point in all those things? Of course. I'm 26... I have everything I could want and more. I have my own house, secure steady job... no complaints in that regard. My plan would be to just carry on as I am... I don't need a plan for when they pass. I think I will be going before them though. @Shaun Can't prove him wrong though. And it tallies up with a lot of what others are saying. Sure I don't have any experience of it myself. But do I need to? It's pretty clear that we, as individuals, don't exist... we aren't the body, we aren't the mind... so what are we? Makes no difference whether we live or die. It doesnt make it any easier though. And then nondualists come on here talking to each other like they are individuals... makes no sense to me. And I don't have the resolve to try and work it out anymore. I hate meditating. It freaks me out, I always end up having nightmares or really crazy visions.

@ajasatya Sure I can. Until about 3/4 weeks ago, I was with the girl of my dreams. Nobody else will ever compare to her. And now we don't speak and she has gone. My relationship with my parents is fine. They're loving. Gorwing up wasn't easy. They argued a lot and my dad was restrictive about what I was allowed to do. I guess I missed out on a lot of things compared to others. But it is what it is. Can't say it has affected me too greatly.

@Leo Gura But Leo, surely it doesn't matter if people die anyway? They don't exist!

@ajasatya I on't know what any of that really means I'm not being obtuse. Far from it. I want to understand, but I don't. I wish I could be my own authority. That is all I have ever been... but I don't know who I am or who anyone else is anymore... it's terrifying... have I gone mad? @Mikael89 Are you in the UK? I'll be in a straight jacket within an hour. I'll never see outside again. That's no way to 'live', whatever living is. Something needs to happen tonight. I can't carry on like this. It's not possible.

Sturgill Simpson - Turtles all the way down. Interesting lyrics. Always loved country music. Always wanted to go to Nashville. Never will. I suppose I am Nashville..

Right, so this is my last post. I'm getting off here. I don't think it's healthy and I can't bear the word salad any longer. Too many questions that can't be answered. 1. If pure higher consciousness/God consciousness, is the 'natural state', why aren't we already there? Also, why can't we stay there? 2. Why do we have to take mushrooms/LSD/DMT to achieve this state of consciousness? LSD, I believe, is a man made concoction. Hmm. 3. Meditation. Hmmm. Better than sitting around doing nothing, I suppose. Why do we have to sit still for hours on end, in an excruciating position, to achieve this selflessness? Makes zero sense. 4. A lot of people here believe in the power of psychics, contacting souls etc. Hang about. That's a duality for a start. 5. Crystals. I don't see it. I just don't. YouTube Derren Brown and dream catcher. 6. Spiritual healing. Again, Derren Brown. Netflix "Miracles". 7. Free will. Not convinced we have it. So why do we all sit about telling each other to do different things, like we have a choice. If everything is perfect, then why bother telling anyone anything? 8. A lot of people talk here about self improvement. But if there is no you, who is to improve? Isn't everything perfect already? 9. Everything isn't perfect. Great amounts of suffering the world. It's shit. 10. In a universe of infinite possibilities, why can't it be that the universe is just how we see it? Why isn't duality an option? 11. In a universe of infinite intelligence, why create an ego? 12. Why bother with the human experiment? If everything is consciousness, why? 13. If the universe loves itself, and is whole, why does it have to experience itself? 14. People are always talking about their life goals. "I want to be a musician, I need to work on marketing for my big release". Seems a bit egoic right?? Why nt just enjoy the abundance of the now? 15. Many on here have families. If your children get chopped to bits this afternoon, is that all light and love? Why did you bother having children? 16. Why bother with relationships? With, ultimately, yourself? 17. NDEs. All point to Jesus. 18. Cherry picking bits of religions you like. Making it fit. Doesn't work. 19. Who/what created consciousness. Oh nothing, because it isnt a thing etc. Okay. 20. Everything is nothing and nothing is everything. Yawn. 21. It's all about love but Mr. Gura doesn't care about people anymore. Wow. He's done a lot of drugs though, so. If he came out tomorrow, said he had a trip and claimed he met Jesus, and Jesus was the truth, you'd all believe him and change your views. Incredible. 22. Too many people on here are massaging their spiritual egos. One/two worded replies to everything. Oh I am so enlightened. Riiiiiiight. 23. As we say in Yorkshire, England, Al si thi! (I'll see you). YouTube Yorkshire speak if you like. It's great. This isn't for me. I don't know how anyone can live happily in a state of nothingness. Makes zero sense. The world is colourless. I'm outta here. I don't know what life is going to bring. I don't want to be here anymore, and if we are all being truthful, there are many others like me here. I've been signed off work for 4 weeks. I've got 4 weeks to basically do whatever the hell I want. I tried to end my life once, I'll probably try again. But I'm going to have some fun first. All I ever wanted to do was help OTHER people. NOT MYSELF. SI THI.

@mandyjw Can't you even see what you are saying? Seriously?

@mandyjw How do you even enjoy life? Like, seriously? You say you have children. I presume you love them. But how can you if nothing is special etc. Makes zero sense.

@Druid420 I find this very interesting. I've spent a LOT of time looking at NDEs and these sort of experiences. There are cases of New Agers meeting Jesus. Athiests meeting Jesus. Who is to say what they experienced is true. I don't know. But who is to say they're wrong.

I think this all just too much for me. I don't know which way is up. My head is completely fried.

I don't think we have free will. But people commit suicide. So God is killing itself? Hmm.

@Serotoninluv Doesn't this tell you that, perhaps, ego death is not a natural state? I've been to my doctor this morning. He phoned a suicide referral helpline who are supposed to be getting in touch with me at some point today. And he's given me some more tablets (yay).

@SoonHei I didn't say I spoke 4 languages haha. Only English and a bit of German. A tiny bit of Latin too, but barely passable. What you say bends my head. Maybe you're right, who knows. Who actually knows anything...

@SoonHei Okay. God has always existed. Only 13.8 billion years ago, it/he/she decided to exist a bit more than before. Still, how can something just always exist? Why did God take these forms? Why bother with evolution of consciousness? Why don't I have 13 arms? Also, I speak only English. A bit of German, too, but not a lot.

@DrewNows Well thanks for the post buddy, appreciate that. I do love myself. Not in a self centred way. But I like being me, sure. Just don't know who I am anymore. @Truth Addict whaaaat

@SoonHei Not sure I follow.

@Anton_Pierre But who created Absolutely Nothing?

@Truth Addict Is it even possible though? Without the assistance of mushrooms etc? What could be more egoic than trying to have no ego?

@Truth Addict You mean death?

@Anton_Pierre Yes. Who/what created nothing?

@Anton_Pierre Hmmm. Who/what created consciousness/God/awareness?