Paul92

Go to church. There might be some nice people there. You might make new friends. Can anyone disprove God as in the Christian God?

@Shaun This is what I don't understand. One minute a guru says one thing, the next the total opposite. Right, so, there is no me. My true Self is nothing. Hmm. @Leo Gura I sort of see what you are trying to say. The issue is, clearly, even as you type out this understanding, you can't not refer to people are 'you' or as another. Everyone sits on this forum and lambasts unconscious people. Well, a lot of them do. Isn't this what we are looking to avoid if, ultimately, they are lambasting themselves? I still don't understand why 'we' have a sense of self. There is nothing more 'real' to me than my 'sense' of self. As in, I am Paul.. I know what I like and I don't like.. I can't help that haha. For instance, a random example would be my taste in women aestetically. I know what I find attractive and not. I don't choose that, it just is. You also said that individuals are sort of like partitions of the God harddrive, if you will. Will limited powers. With God free will. So why does it matter how you identify yourself? Do I walk round saying I am a piece of God or can I just be Paul? What difference does it make.. Why do we have a 'mind' or thoughts if we aren't supposed to have them? I would claim that it would be impossible, as a human form or whatever, to ever achieve a state whereby you simply have no thoughts, no attachments, no opinions, no sense of self, no emotions, as was just nothing. You wouldn't function. You might as well be a vegetable. Is this the goal? It makes zero sense. I don't see the bliss in that... Now, I'm not claiming there is not such a state. I don't know. But I think some of these gurus need calling out on their bullshit (I'm not meaning you, Leo.. you're pretty consistent with what you say in fairness to you... I appreciate your posts and I do take them on board, just not 100% sure I can get on board with what you are saying at this point). Sadhguru for instance, one moment talks about being a human being and there only being one life inside the body. Then he claims there is no you. And claims we are all one, and not to think about things you don't understand. Then he posts online about voting and democracy... like we have free will and a choice. He's also quite nationalistic.. I watched something once where he was pretty peeved about the past relationship between India and the UK. Why does he get annoyed at this and feel the need to call it out? Shouldn't he just be accepting what is? I think I saw @Leo Gura posting about the slave trade and reperations that should be paid. Why consider this? That isn't accepting what is? It has been and gone, are we to just accept it as God's will.. or are you fighting God?

@SOUL how do you mean? If the mind is noisy, or quiet, just recognise presence? What does that actually mean? As in recognise the thoughts? For sure I can notice them and do. If I find myself judging now or assessing a situation, I realise and I don't. I'm not wasting energy on judging what is if I can help it. Sure it's harder sometimes than others but... @Leo Gura Exactly.. I've only ever known being 'me'. And I have a sense of self. Maybe not as 'Paul', I recognise that is just a name. But I find it difficult to be able to drop the sense of self. What are we left with? It's like you say we are God. Or a bit of God. Does that make us all individuals then on a certain level? Also, I appreciate that on here I can seem provocative and might have appeared like that in the past. But now I'm making a genuine effort to grow and get on board with this. It is the only hope 'I' have.

Thanks for the responses, as always. I will respond properly later, as I'm a bit busy at the moment. I had an incredible random thought earlier... (I know..) but we if we are our thoughts? I mean, if our thoughts are our souls, or we have a soul, then we have to think some how don't we... Maybe this is the best way that God could make it so...

@winterknight Look for the I... Hmmm. Easier said that done clearly. How do you know when you have found it? Perhaps you can't find it?

@Shin yes or no? Hello?

Anyone come across him before?

I need to make huge changes but I hope, after everything, some of you guys here can help me. I've deleted all my social media and actually changed my phone number. I feel a huge sense of relief. It's weird. Like, I don't want to be Paul anymore. I don't want my friends or anything anymore. Not that I dislike them, I just want to be alone because it feels like a relief.. I loved my job. But I think it is time for a change. Perhaps I need something where I can just turn up and work on myself then leave. Maybe a call center or something. What would anyone advise? I meditated this morning. Trying to just watch the breathe. It was bloody tough. Constant bombardment of thoughts. I even went into a bit of a dream at times but came back. Before I knew it, I'd done it for 50 minutes. I'm tired of thinking. I'm just not thinking. Ignore all thoughts and just following my nose... Feeling a weird sense of relief. Not sure what it is, but it's there.

@Druid420 Same with my gran, actually. She's 93 and everytime I see her she's looking worse. She has had a tough life. She went through the second world war. She could here Sheffield being bombed in the Blitz and that sent her dad crazy. Her dad who later coughed his guts up in front of her and died on her 21st birthday. Her mother died on her 17th or 18th. She's a tough old cookie. Don't make them like they used to do they? Haha Well, I hope you are right and she has a smooth ride she does pass on. I can't say what happens because I simply do not know.

That's a difficult one. Because does anyone really know what happens afterwards? I'd say let her handle it how she wants. And if it isn't the end for her, then she will find out soon enough. If she is gravely ill, perhaps she has enough to contemplate at the moment. If, indeed, she is gravely ill, I am very sorry and God bless her.

@winterknight Why do we have a sense of self if we are not supposed to, and if that is the route of all suffering. Should it be the goal to eliminate the ego? Isn't this a shame based practice... it seems rather unnatural. Does shame cure shame? In killing the ego (a shameful act surely... to kill anything) we are killing something shameful, the ego itself. Do we have a soul?

@Serotoninluv Weirdly, I thought exactly the same when I first started watching it. But towards the end I found him really quite sincere.

@Shaun I don't think it is a turnaround to be honest. I still don't want to be here and I really really don't know if I have it in me to try and get out of this. I don't even know where to start. I still don't know who 'I' am. THAT is the big issue. Who am I? What am I? Who are you? Are we a soul in a body? Sadhguru says yes one moment, then no another. Who is Paul? Am I real? If I meditated now, and something happened, and I left my body and met some random dude in another dimension, but I still had my mind, as Paul, I'd be happy enough with that. Because I am still me. I just can't get my head around what anyone is saying here. You don't exist, but you do. You are an individual, but you are not. etc etc etc

@Shaun That's interesting. Maybe I will PM you later, I dnt want you to feel pressured or anything haha. I think today I need to start the practical steps to try and sort this life out somehow. Trouble is, I never know really where to start.

@OBEler Hmmm. Maybe, not totally convinced. But thanks for the message. I'd like to hear more about how you know this of course. @theking00 Yes, the Peak District is wonderful. I'm not far from it. I live in Barnsley. About 50 mins from Manchester, so not far at all.

@theking00 I am, yes Rough day guys. Rough day. Thanks for all your help. Whoever/whatever you are. Got a weird sense of peace now I just cut out all my social media and stuff... weird. Basically sent a long text to my boss at work saying don't let anyone contact me... I just want to live a life of solitude... maybe have some online friends... that is pretty much how I feel right now. Play my guitar in my spare time. Literally the only thing I could sit doing all day.

@Shaun Could I PM you? I guess the people on here, at the very moment, are all I have. I wish I could push a button and not exist. But that isn't an option. My friend, maybe it isn't everything you might think it is. I've slept with 7 woman. i'm 26. I have a friend, the same age, who has slept with over 100. To what end? Making love to a bag of particles. What difference does it make? The thing with that girl is, I thought she was different... I thought the experience was different, because I just felt 'something'... it was something I cant put my finger on. But maybe it was nothing and I imagined it. Anyway, it is done. I wish her no ill will. I think I had a revelation. People will never live up to your expectations. So maybe we are better off without them. Why do you only drive electric vehicles? I love driving... I love a big diesel engine... I'd be happy in a truck, listening to my music. Only issue is, I can't even get out of bed at the moment... how am I going to get a job like that? What on earth am I doing? The other half of me just think why struggle? Just end it! It's a simple enough solution. Why put up with this? Fuck everything. Who cares anyway.

I don't have the words. Like, I can't even be bothered killing myself. My head is just a void. I don't wish her any harm. I never wish anyone any harm. I'm just hurt. Well, my ego is, I suppose. Still, it don't feel nice. I've just deleted all my social media and text my boss at work that I think I'm going to use the time off to find another job. Just to get them off my back at least. What do I do? Do I end it? Or do I get a job alone. Driving maybe. I like driving. Driving trucks. That'd be nice. Live a simple life, alone. I don't want friends anymore. I don't want girls. My head is completely mashed. @Nahm I have never thought I need someone to be happy. People don't. I was single for years and never been happier. But when I was with her, I grew to love her. And she tells me she needs time alone... to figure out what she wants. 3 weeks later... boom. People commenting "Oh finally its out in the open". Im such an idiot haha. Maybe I had to learn the hard way. Dont love anything, cos it'll bite you in the arse. It's my issue, I get that. I don't wish her any ill will, whatsoever. Good luck to her. I guess I am disappointed in myself now.

Completely and utterly broken. No words. Nothing. Just kill me. Please someone kill me. I fuckin beg. Give me strength to kill myself. I am utterly utterly broken. Literally can't even move. Just cant even do anything. I want to die right now but I cant even bring myself to move. Broken. Fuck this.

Just been on Facebook for the first time since Thursday. The girl I was with... we split up 3 weeks ago. She's now in a relationship with another guy. Photos of them together etc. No words Final kick in the balls Goodbye.

@Mikael89 I'm sure you said you go to church. Why is that? Clearly, you don't believe in souls. Neither do I, actually. I was just saying I'd love it to be true. That if our thoughts, our mind, was our soul, just inhabiting a body for a while. I'd love that. To be honest, I'm not exactly the most handsome guy in the world, but I don't even care what my body is like. It is what it is. I don't have a problem with that. I'd take this form in another 'life', why not. I wouldn't say I hate myself. No I don't. I don't hate 'Paul', whoever the F that is. He tries to be a good guy and do the right thing. But hey, if he doesn't exist, and I have no control over whatever this experience is, then isn't that just wonderful... or not. How do you cope knowing your family, or who you think they, are not real? @Jkris Oh so we do exist now, do we? Separate manifestations of the one? Hmmm. Separate implies a duality? Have you seen the Truth? Look, I just always always had a romantic vision of life. We were individuals. We don't know why we are here. But we were individuals. 100% independent entities. Souls MAYBE. We all had free will and we was just doing our best to live and survive and spread what is good. Now, i don't exist as an entity, only as a mental fabrication of who I think Paul is. Paul is not typing this here, something else is, awareness or conscousness or God or whatever, I don't know. This body is possessed, but not by Paull. My family, my loved ones are not what I thought they were. I bloody hope when I hang myself there is no more of this shit. Just black, nothing. Eternally nothing. It's a sick joke. Actually, yeh I do worry about people dying. Well, I did. Now I guess I just have to accept it. A small child gets cancer. Oh it's all love, accept it. The child has done nothing wrong. Doesn't know what an ego is. Doesn't know about reality. Just has a sense of self he or she didn't ask for. Get a cruel cruel disease, that is painful. The child wants to go outside and play, but they can't because they have this disease. Oh just accept it, it's fine. Infinite intelligence is a joke. Fuck you universe.

@Mikael89 Why would they? And, well, you could change those things, if they are indeed how it is for you. No reason why nobody can't have a partner. No reason why nobody can't have friends. I like being Paul. Whoever or whatever it is. It's when it comes to be that Paul doesn't exist. That is what sucks to me. If I can't be Paul, I've no real interest in being anything else or whatever. If my friends are not my friends, they're just illusions, as in egos, then fuck this. I'd rather be dead. Might as well reincarnate as a fence post or something.

@Mikael89 I've been to my doctor already. I have an appointment on the 29th to be assessed by a mental health team. I've been before. I've tried 2 medications. They were both horrendous, in terms of side effects and also messed with my mind. I'm not wasting my time with that any more. I'm not going into a hospital. I swear if they try and take me into somewhere like that then I'll be gone before you know it. I REALLY don't understand how you can't find non-existence depressing. It's truly absurd. I was baptised a Christian just after I was born. But I've never really believed. But how much more wonderful would Christianity be if were true? That we are all INDIVIDUAL souls. All INDIVIDUAL beings. Here together. Individual souls. You interact with different souls. All of creating ourselves, who we want to be. With free will. Then we live on, for eternity with one another, maybe just in different surroundings. PEOPLE, as INDIVIDUALS, not nothing as nothing playing with itself. Not just ONE thing fucking with itself. And well, if I am that thing, then my thoughts and everything must be ME. Thus, I don't like 'ME', and I'm ashamed that I invented a thing called an ego. It's sick. I'm selfish, clearly. It's all about me me me. One thing. Why can't I manifest something less complicated? It's absurd. Absolutely absurd. @Jkris There you go again. I mean, don't get me wrong, I bloody appreciate you taking the time to write on here to me. But you've jsut said it yourself. I don't exist. Neither do you. So why are you addressing me on here? Why does anyone care if someone commits suicide? When ultimately, it makes ZERO difference to anything as I don't exist. Whatever I am, or whatever this is, I have this weird urge, coming from somewhere to just end this. See what happens afterwards. I don't think anyone really knows. What I don't understand is, pretty much every single NDE, people have talked about meeting other entities, even God or Jesus etc. Who knows. Fed up. Tired. Head is a shed. Don't fear death anymore. I want out. Whatever I am, I can't be bothered anymore. Nothing matters.

@Nahm Not convinced it is made of love. What I'm experiencing now is not love. @Mikael89 And what can they even do? I've seriously lost all hope. I know I'm repeating myself, but I don't want this anymore. Look at it this way, we all die eventually. No avoiding that. So really it makes no difference, does it? @Jkris Can't you see how depressing what you are saying is? We don't exist. That is supposed to make existence meaningful, is it? This is not MY life is it? No enlightened master may not be suicidal. That is up to them. If they think that nothingness and not existing is liberating, then fine.

@Nahm No, I wouldn't say that I did. I was happy before I met her. I met her and I have never felt more alive. I adore her. I COULD text her any minute, telling her how much I miss her etc. But I don't. I love her enough to to realise she is probably better off without me and to just leave her alone and let her go her own way. But it doesn't make it any easier, it still hurts and I miss her. But that is NOT the route of all this, it just doesn't help. @Shaun Haha you really think a mental health 'professional' here in the UK will understand any of what I am saying? One way ticket to the nuthouse my friend. It's all too confusing. I promise you, hand on heart, I have made my decision. I do not want to be here. It is just doing it. I swear to you. I pray that something out there will give 'me' strength to do it somehow. I spent all the other night just say in the dark praying to all sorts of different things. God. The Universe. Machine Elves if they exist. Guardian Angels. Anything. I cried out, anything, please help me. Give me a sign, anything. Nothing comes. And I swear, there can't be that many alive right now that feel this bad. I prayed and begged for hours. I begged for them to look after that girl, too. Or at least just let it be that I can see her one last time before I go. I don't know how I am still here. I was in my loft tying rope to the beams, as it is the only place in my house that I can hang from. But hanging sucks. If there was a button I could press where Id get really sleepy and just go to sleep and not wake up, Id press it this instant.