Paul92

@Shadowraix hmmm. The famous ego that must be destroyed. Again, it's not me who's saying this or feeling this way. It's God. God who gave me the ego. @Psyche_92 Yes. Thanks. The thing is, I've never had a problem with my mind. I've never felt the need to quieten it. Until questioning reality started. @ajasatya Thanks but you've lost me. Just want to be a human being amongst other human beings, doing our best to make something of this experience. Not to be ruled by something else.

@ajasatya I would, if I could get a reasonable answer or explanation. Or just a reasonable to way to look at what my life is and what others are. I've said before, I don't care about what life throws at me, I just can't bear the fact that people are not people. I've never been to a Zen retreat. I've tried meditation at home, but I don't really understand what I'm meant to be doing and what it might achieve.

@ajasatya Helpful!

@Truth Addict which bit suggest I'm enlightened? I'm probably as unenlightened as you can get. I don't really want to be enlightened. I was happy just being human, being fairly insignificant. I don't want to be God. Just be here, enjoy my time with my friends and do good along the way if I can. Never wanted anything great out of life, just live modestly and happily. Like I said, I've never been one to dwell on things that happen to me. It's just life. However, I always believed that how I reacted to things that happened to me was in my hands. Bad things might happen to me, but solving those problems is in my hands. However, it seems to be that I'm just a robot for God who is pulling the strings, not me. So whatever happens and whatever I do is not me. Typing this is not me, it's God. But why is God doing this to itself. Makes zero sense. @Aaron p To be honest, I stumbled across this stuff late last year when I started exploring Christianity and wanting to know about God. And wanting to believe. I'd say, give me a sign. I'd pray. Give me a sign, I want to believe. And a lot of time, I've been led back to Jesus and God. But there are so many unanswered questions. Yes there is only me who knows me. But I didn't think I existed? Only God knows me. Or myself. Everything is God right. So who is this God who is sat about playing with all this? I don't want to be a robot. I don't want you to be a robot. I want you to be a human being. Autonomous. The master of your own destiny as much as is possible. Free. Able to make the choice whether to grow or not. Not a robot or a projection of God.

@Truth Addict sarcasm? If it isn't, I think you've misunderstood what I'm saying.

@Serotoninluv Yes my mind definitely finds it threatening. The idea that we are all basically robots. You might say yes we are all ruled by something else but we are all still characters. We can love the character. It's not the same. But ultimately, I'm not the one choosing to do anything right? We can sit here encouraging people to do the work etc, but it's not up to them is it? It depends whether God wants that bit of awareness to experience the path. But then Sadhguru says everything that comes into our lives is in our hands. Just don't know anymore. I'd be interested in what Leo has to say about this.

@Serotoninluv Right, yes, okay. Now could you break that down? Honestly not being obtuse.

@Serotoninluv Which bit? Could you elaborate, please?

@Preetom I wouldn't say I am believing Leo. But I can't avoid the fact that thoughts come out of nowhere. That, ultimately, we can't think a thought before we have thought it. So who is pulling the strings? Or do they come from nowhere? Now I'm not saying we, as individuals, are not thinking independently and that they are our thoughts. We have to be able to think somehow, right? How else could it work?

@winterknight the idea of 'we' is wrong. Why do people find this liberating or see it as something joyous? "you don't exist, and neither does anyone else!". It just makes zero sense. We're basically robots. All individuals. But we're not. So then I'd ask, if we are not meant to identify with thoughts, why is that our default action? What if our thoughts are our thoughts, I mean, how else could an animal think?

@winterknight You've suggested ignoring all thoughts for 30 days. But I'd ask, why? If we were not meant to have a thinking mind, or if it is of no use to us, why do we? If our thoughts are not ours, then whose are they? Are we all possessed? Starting to get back in the loop of worrying again. My friends/family are robots etc. I don't see how this helps anyone.

Okay, so, this isn't about a romantic relationship, it's more about me and a couple of people who I work with who have grown to become friends over the last couple of years. Lately though, it's been getting weird. You guys on here are usually pretty good at advice. So if you can help me here, that'd be awesome. I'll try and keep it succinct. Friend one, who I'll call Sam, is a guy who I've known for nearly 2 years now. We get on. He's a bit younger than me, but I did my best to make him feel welcome when he joined my department. Friend 2, I'll call Becky, I've known a bit less, maybe 18 months. In short, she's the most genuine person I've ever met. I can honestly say I've never met anyone who's had anything bad to say about her. The thing is, lately, I feel like me and Becky have grown closer. Well, at least I do. She's got a few problems in her personal life. Around 6 months ago she broke down to me about it all and tried to explain to me that she wished she could talk to me about it because "I'd know what to do and would have her best interests at heart unlike some". But she was scared I'd judge her etc. I told her then, what I told her now, I'm not into judging people as such, and that when it comes to my loved ones, of which I consider her, my loyalty is unconditional. Now, I have no sexual/romantic interest in Becky. She has a boyfriend (who she isn't fond of, but they have an house together, cars and a dog). She's also experimented sexually with girls and I think she prefers that, but she's probably bisexual. She beats herself up about past mistakes and has a lot of inner turmoil. But honestly, she's an angel. It's heartbreaking to see. Now, Sam, DOES have a sexual interest in Becky. He denies it, but it is obvious. To her face he says he sees her as a sister. But behind her back, he says all manner of crude things about her. Everything he says when he's talking to her is carefully thought through for his own agenda of, ultimately, getting in her pants. Oh, and he has a girlfriend, who he's recently cheated on. But that's another story. I like the kids. But recently I'm starting to think he's only my friend when it benefits him. If he can be alone with becky, he will do anything to make it happen. If we arrange drinks and I say I might not be able to make it, becky will say oh no please try, whereas he will say well there is always another time. Its that kinda thing. If he thinks he can be alone with her, he's rubbing his hands. Which is fine. Only, lately he's trying to push me and Becky away from each other because he sees me as a threat. Me and Becky had a couple of evenings recently when it was just me and her going for drinks. We had heart to hearts. She told me she considers me her best friend and I told her likewise. She's also told me how she finds Sam creepy sometimes. Me and her going for drinks has driven him mad and now he's working overdrive to even up the scores. Plainly, I can't be bothered. Only, he's spouting loads of nonsense to her and I'm worried she might listen to him and I'll lose a friend. Also, she says she finds him creepy, but when they're together I might as well not be there. I just find it strange. I don't get someone saying it's just me and her versus the rest because she doesn't trust them, and then I get the impression that I might as well not be there. She wants that close friend relationship one min, then she's dropping me and she's like that with the guy who doesn't have her wellbeing at heart, he's just playing a long game because he thinks he has a chance. It's my grandma's funeral Friday and we are meant to be going out for drinks after. But I sort of feel like leaving them to it, if that makes sense? Only, I've never had such a close friend, and I love her like a sister, so I want to spend time with her... But maybe I'm looking for something that perhaps just won't materialise. Maybe she will just always be around him more. She just feels naturally more comfortable around him, which I get. I can be weird at times and he's always the loud showy off one. Should I go out with them or just leave them to it? I don't wish them any harm. And I really don't have a romantic interest... Itd just be nice to have that friend that she sometimes is, all the time. But Sam is being quite bitter and devious over the last few days, he wants to be number one. Which, I wouldn't mind, if he was honest with her and didn't speak with an agenda. Maybe I didn't explain this very well. Sorry.

@Shaun Feel for you buddy. I think you're doing a lot of mental gymnastics - I've been there and trying to stay away from it at the moment. A lot of what get said here doesn't add up in the slightest. If we are God and we created this, and we are the same, we don't have control, then where are the thoughts and actions coming from, if not me? Why bother creating many individuals. Look around you, there are individuals. Humans that can think, talk, move etc. Everyone here would have you think we are robots, with no control but for some reason we believe we are in control. I'm not convinced. If this is all a play that's been written and we are acting it out, who writ it? As humans, we need a thinking mind to survive. You are meant to have a thinking mind. They are your thoughts. How else could it be? How else could we be programmed to have independence and being able to operate? I've done a lot of soul searching this year. I'm really not that convinced anyone here knows anything at all. Try and enjoy your life mate. It Is your life.

Hi everyone, I've been off here for a while, but feel I had to come back. I know you guys have helped me in the past. So I was in a really dark place as you know. However, I forced myself to get back to work. I've had a couple of months where I have just not been overthinking anything, not really caring, and just having some fun. And it's actually been really nice. Only, the last week or so, I've had the same thoughts coming back and scaring me. I'm starting to feel like I did before... and I really don't want to go back there. Over the last couple of months, I've spent a lot of time with close friends, and I feel I've grown even closer to them. I started to feel like 'Paul' again, and saw my friends as individuals, like I always have done. The individuality of people is what makes my world... And I kept telling myself that, ultimately, if I wasn't supposed to have a sense of self or a thinking mind, then I wouldn't have one. Also, why create millions upon millions of Beings that believe themselves to be themselves, if they are not... it doesn't make much sense. Don't you think that, as an animal, as a Being, that we have to think somehow? "You are not your thoughts...". Well, perhaps, but how else could a Being operate without the ability to think... and how does God think, if it is God creating the thoughts in this experience? God has to think somehow, right? But it's the same thoughts... 'You don't exist'. 'People do not exist'. 'There are no individuals'. 'You are not in control of your body or experience'. 'You don't have free will'. It really does bother me. I love everyone around me... I just want them to be 'them'. Their personalities, their thoughts and opinions, I want it to be theirs... not 'me'. Maybe I am just really tired. Ive had a good couple of months, had some great times, took things less serious than ever.. but I can just feel myself slipping back into that darkness again.

@Mu_ Thanks for that. I get what you're saying. Not sure why I seem to accept things on face value with it running contrary to my own experience. Thanks @Richard Alpert Thanks for that, Richard. My thoughts entirely RE thinking. If I wasn't supposed to have a thinking mind, why do I? How else would I operate? I guess we have to be able to think somehow, right?

@Nahm I'm not blaming anyone or anything, especially not the forum. I think it's wonderful that spirituality and the 'work' has made a lot of people feel liberated, I really mean that. Whatever works. Just to me, it seems a bit zero sum and a lot of it doesn't add up. I find it truly, truly depressing to think that we aren't individuals and that we don't have control of our lives. Even me typing this now, is not 'me'. This was just meant to happen, because God, which is me, likes to play with itself and deceive itself. Which makes no sense. At all. I'm not having a go, it's just how I see it... I tell my best friend that I love them unconditionally. But who or what am I saying that to? In my experience, it is my best friend. An autonomous individual human being, of many different talents/opinions/thoughts/skills. A person who, currently, is having a really rough time and is living a lot in fear. To the point where she doesn't want to go home or live in her house and is drinking excessively. Now, I care for this person deeply. I tell her not to worry about a thing and I will help her no matter what. But who am I helping? Can I even help? Is there a point in helping, or is everything just as it is and it doesn't matter because they don't exist.. @Shaun Yes, the contradictions are frustrating, and I think a lot of people here can develop real spiritual egos. Hope you're doing better soon buddy. I had a good couple of months considering where I was. I've tried to get stuck into hobbies, get out with my friends, watching some comedy, eat some nice food etc. It really helped... but then the thoughts about who I am etc have just come back... @mandyjw Thanks for that. I had my bad spell from Jan to April. So I think the winter months certainly have an effect on me. Who/whatever I am actually am. I think I exist. But maybe I don't. Who really knows anything?

@Nahm Yes I realise that, of course. But yes, exactly! My experience suggests to me that I am me, and you are you. And that's how I want to it be. But then enlightened Beings on here, like yourself, claim we don't exist, we have no free will etc.

@Inliytened1 I don't even know what people mean by 'ego' any longer. I'm not interested in being significant. Every single day I just try and accept what is. The only thing I care about is that people are real and are individuals. I want you to be you. With full autonomy within your experience. Free to enjoy your life and make your own decisions. THAT is what worries me and freaks me out. My best friend has been going through some troubles recently and she's very scared (yes, my best friend is a she haha). And weve had a few times recently when we've been able to chat. I've told her that I am here for her unconditionally, and not to worry about anything. Whatever she needs, day or night, I'm here. She's bottling things up and suffering and I just want to help her, as she has me in the past. But last night I got home and I was left wondering, is she even real? My best friend, who I love with all my heart (not in a romantic way, she's like my sister), might not even exist. It's heartbreaking. @Nahm Well, the last couple of months I've basically not paid attention to any thoughts and just focused on my hobbies and having a good time. However, I do think if we weren't supposed to have a thinking mind, why do we? It might sound stupid, but I have been really carefree. Just over the last few days I have started to worry about how those closest to me might not exist.

I have a 1 hour drive home. I'm past trying to put off killing myself. Millions have died before me and millions will die after I have gone. I'm going to die one day anyway, so why not get it over and done with. The only thing that would stop me is if people were real on any level. I wish we all had a soul. I wish I believed in Christianity. Life would be worthwhile. If we don't exist, I don't see the point. You can say what you like about the whole thing, but it absolutely is nihilism. 1000%. I could be saying this about myself, but screw God. The ego is a sick joke. The world isn't all love and light. It's violent and harsh. Why bother with the monkey suit. Why bother. Why create consciousness if it's happy with itself. Why does every near death experience talk about people remaining themselves as they pass over? Not returning to nothingness. It's all fucked up. And basically, if we don't exist, it makes no difference if I slice my arm in 6 pieces tonight. So fuck it.

As the title suggests, give me one reason. I simply cannot live in a world where I cannot celebrate our individuality. I can't live in a world where I can't love another person. People are illusions. If am nothing. Maybe it was always meant to be like this. This piece of awareness destroys itself. I loved there being a me and you. I loved that. It made the world a colourful place. We are all here together, as individuals, trying to make the best of it. But we're not, are we? I can't do this any longer. A couple of days ago I came so close to putting a knife through my arm. Today, I will do it.

@Shin I feel ya. I know things pan out after a while. I am more stable than I was. I think. Physically I feel really strange, have you experienced this? Nightmares every night too. I don't understand how nonduality can make anyone feel better about anything. "Hey man, I'm feeling really down... my life is crumbling around me and I feel so tired and hopeless" "Oh, don't care about anything... you don't exist and neither does anyone else!" "Cheers buddy, I feel great now" "Just remember, there is no 'I'". Load of nonsense.

@Key Elements Do 'we' have an objective, since there is no us? The thing is, it is impossible to not refer to yourself as yourself. Or another as another. This is just the direct experience. Which suggests we are not one thing. Where is the evidence that we are not souls having a human experience? Sure I didn't chose my soul. But if I have free will, I have the power to make my reality as good or bad as I like it. I can be whatever I wanna be.

@winterknight Yeah. I think Tolle is full of shit half the time. Maybe I'm wrong. What are your opinions on the Bible and the things Jesus said? Or on Christianity as a whole...

@winterknight I enjoyed this article of yours: https://www.siftingtothetruth.com/blog/2017/11/7/the-problems-with-the-power-of-now It was Tolle who started this whole thing for me, after a recommendation from my dad. But I just can't get onboard with him as much as I try. The amount of times I've seen him on videos mocking people for feeling upset etc. There's no compassion there. Isn't this all supposed to be about love and compassion?

@Serotoninluv Am I creating it? I have no free will. Everything that happens, happens. All thoughts, good/bad. Not mine. Only Gods. But how is God creating thoughts? @Robi Steel says that Shaun needs to push on with exploring this. Does he have a choice? Do I have a choice in typing this? Or is the illusion that we don't have a choice...