Paul92

@TheAvatarState Respectfully buddy, I honestly think you're way off here. Not being an arse, but I think you're missing my point. I've been single for over 6 years. I was happy before. I never considered existential issues. I was just happy. She's come along at a point where I as at my lowest and made me realise that I might have something to live for. The only issue is of course, it can't last forever and I'll be dead before I know it. Life goes by that fast, we are dead before we know it. It breaks my heart that really I love life, but it isn't going to last.

@TheAvatarState No, it's a different girl that I met a couple of months ago. It's just snowballed. It's come out of nowhere, and I love it. I'm tortured because I can see how utterly, utterly brilliant life is, especially with her in it. And I always thought this, overall. And now I feel love for this girl, that has seriously out of nowhere, and it makes me unbelievably happy but also catastrophically sad that this isn't going to last forever. This girl though, we seem to have connected. I know it's always different in the opening stages of a relationship, but I'm blown away by it all. But I think she's made me realise how great being alive is. And people will say this is just because I'm attached to someone and that I should avoid that attachment and therefore I'll avoid suffering. But what's wrong with loving? I thought the whole point of all this was love. What's wrong with being happy? I don't want to die. I don't want this to end. But it makes me unbelievably sad that it will. Time freaks me out at the moment. I know it is a construct, to sort of give order to life, but it moves so quick. Basically, I know I have in just one long 'day', if you like. Not seperate days, or months, years etc. But obviously I have grown, aged and I will decline and die. Like the universe. I'd feel more at ease if I could understand that the universe will never end. @Viking I never previously thought life was meaningless. Because I always thought it is about doing positive work to make the world a better place and putting things in place for future generations etc. And also, I thought life is about having fun. But if the universe ends at some point, then we are working for nothing. Maybe the meaningless is something my mind has imagined... I don't know.

Right, so. Some of you might be familiar with my other threads on here. I apologise for anything inflammatory I might have said. I just feel a bit torn. Last night I was out with a few friends having drinks. And a friend, of a friend, came along. By the end of the night, we shacked up, just kissing a lot. She was going to come back to my place, but it never transpired for one reason or another (we got lost!). She's texting me this morning. She's a really nice girl, and she's stunning. WAAAAY out of my league haha. But she seems keen. I'm not expecting anything, or even trying to put a front on. I told her several times that perhaps she thinks I am something that I'm not. Just with everything that is going on at the moment (see other threads), I'm still struggling to get the idea out of my head that relationships, even casual ones, are sort of pointless. You might call this girl unconscious, which I struggle to sort of see as anything other than like a 'zombie', for one of a better term. I feel so conflicted... as she seems nice, genuine and down to earth... What do I do? Is it worth pursuing?

Had the thought a couple of days ago that what if EVERYTHING, is just a figment of my imagination. You. This forum. People. The earth. The universe. Everything. History is just an elaborate story my mind has made up. There are no humans, they're just my imagination... How can I live?

Someone answer me this please. What is wrong with the following? Being a normal person. Who has a normal job. Has a small group of friends. Lives within their means. Does not expect anything from anyone. Takes the rough with the smooth. Goes through life not causing anyone or anything any harm. Is just generally content with everything he or she has. Sure, has a few things that could be better, but doesn't fixate on them. Enjoys the little things in life (time spent with friends/family, going to the cinema, listening to music, cooking, nights in with the TV, walks in the country). Doesn't question everything about his or her reality. Generally tries to help others or bring a little joy to others' experiences. Likes to read and study. Only real desire is to love those closest to them. This person is, 95% of the time, content, happy and grateful for the life they have. But they are still, what people on here would perceive as 'unconscious'. What makes these people, like the majority of people, lesser beings? I was the above. Now I am questioning everything, more fatigued and anxious than ever. What was wrong with my previous life, really?

@Leo Gura Like that pseudo-God you find by shoving mushrooms up your arsehole? It's the same fucking thing. Also, why doesn't say, a carrot, help us attain a high state of consciousness, if that is where we are meant to be. I think Leo just had an unfortunate childhood. In fact, I know he did. I wouldn't trust Tolle as far as I could throw him. Convenient how he turned his depression into a multi million dollar frenzy, swallowed by people who are struggling a bit. He did say that one of the Buddhist masters once ate 10 LSD pills. And he never flinched. Then watch Leo's enlightenment live video... Hmmmm. Which one is full of shit. I'm done.

I'm still trying to get my head around the suggestion we are not individuals. Are we? I would only see it as pointless if she isn't an individual human being. Otherwise, what could be pointless about loving someone and making their experience as positive as possible? Isn't this a valid reason? She seems great.

@oysterman Much appreciated. Thanks. I find it hard to believe I can just drop all this for now. I can't stop questioning everything. It's like I've got smeone sat on my shoulder interjecting within everything I do. I've never felt like this, ever. I know I have OCD, but a lot of people on here don't believe in mental illnesses. Maybe this is born out of OCD, I don't know. I just want to forget it all and go back to how I was. Every day is a battle. I can't get out of bed in a morning. I don't really have any appetite. I've lot enjoyment in everything... I can't watch sports or TV because I just think people aren't real, I'm in a weird dream, nothing has any meaning. I feel so detatched. I've been single for years. I met a girl on Friday and she's talking to me. She seems great, but I'm struggling to see why I should go on with it if she's just an illusion or whatever. I know people have said I need to get this out of my head, but it ain't easy. If we aren't individuals, then it makes everything redundant, surely?

@TheAvatarState It is manipulation. He says as much. He's just proving that anyone can be manipulated into believing anything. The believing brain, if you will. The thing is, not a single one of you on this thread have any idea of the absolute hell I am living through right now. Where's anyone's humanity. Que Leo saying there is no humanity.

Thoughts on the following. If you're open minded, please give it a watch I'm asbolutely not knocking your beliefs, but isn't this about being opening minded..

@Elisabeth Well, that is what I was doing! I just took everything as it came. But what has freaked me out is the idea that nobody is a real individual with their own experience. That we all like have a default setting that we MUST work towards. We don't have our own personalities, we don't have our own genes. I get the idea that we are ONE in terms of being humans. But if we are all sort of tapping into the same radio frequency, just ignoring it, then I get the image that we are all robots. So that makes everything absolutely and utterly pointless, doesn't it? If I like a beautiful girl, I'm not really falling for an individual, I'm falling for a possessed body... that ultimately should be ran by a higher source... of which I have no evidence of.

@Pilgrim Quite possibly, yes. People might say I'm bullshitting, but I have no reason to. My upbringing was interesting. My dad, when he was younger, suffered a lot with anxiety issues, to the point where he was given electric shock treatments. So he read a lot about mental health, and I think he came to a realisation of his own, in a way. I was never pressured to achieve anything, just try my best. If I succeed, great. If I don't then, it's not the end of the world. My dad would tell me never to worry about passing my exams. Sure, it would be good to. But it's not everything. Both my parents encouraged me to pursue hobbies and interests I enjoyed, and they invested a lot of time and money in me. But I think they both instilled in me never to become deluded. I'm from a normal working class family, within a relatively poor working class town. I'm not making that a sob story, I love my town! There's some real beautiful places around here. And, I live in the UK. We have a monarchy, right? The Queen is just another human being... no different to anyone else. It's all a bit bullshit, but I see the benefits of having a 'Queen' for the economy etc. But that's another debate. I think the main message I've always tried to adhere to is to just not get caught up in judging others too much. Sure, I can get angry with people. But I always feel stupid afterwards. Even those who hammered me at school, I don't really sit about wishing them any ill... it's all done, and they've probably changed a lot too from their childhood. Not sure where I am going with this. Just freaked out when I read a book telling me in no uncertain terms that I am completely and utterly deluded, and that I'm not aware of my thoughts and their impact on my health etc... when I like to think I'm decent at identifying them.

@Leo Gura I see your point. But isn't it just a fact of life that we are going to experience some pain at some point? Are you actually trying to suggest that it is wrong to feel a bit of pain if your mother has cancer? Don't me wrong, I'd be heartbroken if my mum died. But it's not going to rule my life. And she wouldn't want it to either. I could be heartbroken she has passed, and still say that I am happy with my life! This is what I was trying to say. Sure, I had some shitty times, but I still enjoyed waking up in a morning just because I enjoyed living! I always thought that anything is better than nothing. @Anton Rogachevski I think you seem to be grasping what I was trying to say. Fuck, when I was younger I was crippled with anxiety. But my way around it, I found, was not to fight it, and just go with it. Sure I have a few insecurities still, but I'm nothing like I once was. What motivated me was just life itself, and helping other people. And of course, just having fun! Like I say, when I was much younger, perhaps I was quite deluded. @TheAvatarState Didn't you say to me that helping people was the highest calling? What's wrong with wanting to enjoy your life, isn't that why we are all here? The whole zombie thing is hard to shake... I just feel really numb at the moment, like I am going crazy. What I'm trying to say is I'm not really one to let negative events rule me. Sure, I get down about it. But I was always still happy to be alive! But what is scary for me to consider today is that, somehow I need to enter a new realm or something... and that everyone around me is like a malfunctioning robot or something! We all share this globe, we all generally see the same sort of physical things, can't we just all enjoy it rather than making it something more than it needs to be? Sure, a beautiful view might not really consist of what call 'trees' or whatever. I know we label everything, which has positive and negative aspects. But can't we just enjoy the view?!

@Leo Gura I'm sorry Leo, but I have to disagree. And I know you will say I'm lying or whatever, but it isn't the case. I loved waking up in a morning, because I never knew what the day would bring. I know my experience more than anything. I was certainly a lot happier than I am now! I was happy. Not entirely sure how you can brand me a devil, when I wish no harm on anyone and all I've ever try to do is a be a nice person. Seems a bit much. Considering all I wanted to do was just live my own life. Not sure how that's a crime. It does seem a bit like repackaged God, all this.

Also, regarding growing old etc, sure I would think about it sometimes, quite negatively in fact. But then, there's nothing we can do about it, so why worry about it? I just try to keep myself in good shape to prevent any complications when I do grow older. I don't see how looking after your body is a bad thing, or even how it is egoic. Too many people seem to demonize the body and don't value it.

@Shin Sure, I understand what you are saying. It makes sense. I'd say, honestly, I was happy/content 90% of the time. And the other 10% was never anything major. Nothing that I really considered say suicide over. Certainly, nothing that ever really owned me. Each night I could come home, have my workout, then just sit and read or watch a TV series. Oh and play my guitar. That was happiness for me. To others that might have been nothing - boring even. But it was my existence, and I was content. Is it my life? That is what has freaked me out the most. The idea that I am not an individual, free to make my own choices. Maybe I misinterpreted some things, but that was the impression I'm getting. @SoonHei Yeah, I see what you mean. Though, again, I never really strived for fame or to be mega rich etc. Sure, money helps, of course it does. But I always say that you can't miss what you never had. I live comfortably. I enjoy my job and it gives me enough money to live the life that I want. I can follow my sports teams, I can fund my guitar playing, and I can sometimes travel and see other parts of the world. That's enough for me. I'd rather be content with that than being mega rich and miserable in a state of neurotic mindfry. @Aimblack Then I think people need to reevaluate how flippantly they band around the term 'unconscious'. My family and friends are good honest people, that wouldn't really wish anyone any ill. They have good morals, and strive to do the right thing and enjoy their lives. Which is why I love to be around them - they're down to earth. I think it would be unfair to just brand them all 'unconscious' because they haven't had a spiritual experience.

@Echoes I got a bit of an illness that I felt I was focusing on a bit too much. So I picked up the Power of Now by Tolle. I thought it would be about how to just take your mind off things. But then it opened up a huge can of worms which led me to start questioning everything about my existence. I never considered myself to be someone who really desired anything. Of course, there were a few things that could have been better, but 95% of me was content. I had everything I need, and I have to say, from day to day, I had that inner contentment. But that book was telling me that I was chasing something, that I would never be happy until I did such and such, and understood that my reality is not what I think it is. Look, I was happy living my life, it wasn't perfect, but what is? Now I feel like I'm going insane. I thought I was going to have a seizure the other day. Everything just seems tainted. @Shadowraix This is reassuring. I love my family and friends so much. I only have a few, to be honest. But they mean the world to me. But when people start calling them 'unconscious' and such, I just get this awful imagine that I am surrounded by zombies, and the people I thought I loved, including my family, are just sort of shadows, if that makes sense? I don't even know what truth is meant to be. I just want my old life back, it was nice, despite the odd shitty bit. I never really expected anything special from my life. I don't really care about money, just experiences really. I'd toil all week, to get paid, so I can just have a good time with my friends and experience things. Not to own this or that, just to have a laugh.

I'd just like to thank you sincerely for completely fucking up my mind, body and soul. And probably, within the next 24 hours, the mind, body and soul of everyone I have ever loved. This is the end for me. Yes, IT IS then end. What you are preaching is existential nihilism. There is no difference. It is a dangerous, dangerous thing. You CANNOT explained the universe. FACT. Nobody can. You certainly CANNOT explain the universe by eating mushrooms. FACT. There is NO ANSWER. This is God repackaged. Look at this forum. Full of enlightened beings. All I see is anger, condescension, mockery and longing for something that, if we were supposed to have as a right, we shouldn't have to eat fucking mushrooms to attain. I have OCD. I cannot forget this now. And I can't focus on the now. IT IS PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE FOR SOMEONE WITH A CONDITION LIKE OCD TO HAVE ZERO THOUGHTS. You'll say this is my ego, or my vibrations are out of whack mannnnn. You are not the universe. And the Universe does not love you. It does not have infinite knowledge. It does not have infinite love. If it did, then what sort of fuckin sick joke is all this?? Most of you on here are smart people. Which is why I know a lot of you are questioning all this all the time. You just daren't admit it. Leo if you truly believed what you are saying, pack up all of your shit, close your YouTube channel, with your self-indulged 'mystic' imagery, and go live in a cave in Japan, gobbling mushrooms. As for me, I have two options. I'm either going to the hospital, and telling them I'm a nutcase so I can live in a psych ward all my life while they feed me pills, just so I don't completely break the hearts of my parents. Or I'm off a bridge a few miles from my house. BUT I SUPPOSE IT DOESN'T MATTER. Look at ordinary people. You ask them, explain the universe. They'll say, fuck knows. Which is essentially where we are all at here. The difference is, they've accepted it and ARE MAKING THE BEST OF WHATEVER THE FUCK THIS IS. They don't need to chase it. Isn't that real enlightenment? Thanks for the pain of crushing anxiety, crushing depression, crushing hunger and self harm. Yes, these feelings are real. Many of you will know deep inside that what I am saying makes sense. You have a chance to forget it all and GO AND LIVE YOUR LIFE WITHOUT QUESTIONING EVERYTHING AND QUESTIONING THAT BEAUTIFUL PIECE OF NATURAL ENGINEERING CALLED YOUR BODY AND YOUR MIND. I don't have that privilege. I know this will get deleted. Where's your unlimited understanding and love? Do me a favour. See you when we're all reincarnated as fuckin trees. THERE'S NO SUCH THING. IF REINCARNATION WAS REAL, I'D HAVE COME BACK AS CATHERINE ZETA JONES' TAMPAX And on that note, enjoy you endless search for fuck all.

I just don't get how certain emotions can be cherry picked as part of the real Self... negative emotions are ego, as a result of disappointment in not living up to a conceptual meaning etc. Positive emotions are the true Self. I.e you and everyone simply finds nature beautiful. Isn't nature being beautiful a construct? How do we ego-lise things such as orgasms? And why a male finds a female attractive? Moreover, why one male might find a certain female attractive, and the other doesn't. Is there NO hardwiring?

@zambize I agree. You are naturally wired to feel certain emotions and feelings. It comes as a byproduct of a nervous system full of thousands of hormones and chemicals. Over thousands and thousands of years of development. There probably is an evolutionary explanation for how you feel around a girl you like. I know there is a girl that I think/thought I loved (love is an emotion, therefore a thought, which is thinking, which isn't real/you, so why do we feel love? Only negative emotions and thoughts seem to be not real) and I get nervous as hell around her. I talk all manner of shit. But I've no doubt there will be an explanation that it is just my ego...

Hi everyone, I've recently read the Power of Now and been watching numerous ET videos on YouTube. I have to say, I am now in a worse position that I have ever been in my entire life. To the point where I am seriously considering the prospect of suicide or admitting myself to a psychiatric hospital if I can. I just want to say a few things about ET first. I don't want to die, but I don't want to be thoughtless (which you will say is my ego). I am not anti Tolle as a person. I don't think he's someone who is doing it all for the money. I don't think he is trying to deceive people. I think he is genuine enough. But I also think what he says can be very, very dangerous. I started reading the PON as I thought it would be a book about how to be a better person. My dad had told me that it had helped him to stop ruminating so much about different things, something with which I've struggled with from time to time. Indeed, I used the approach from him explaining it to me a few times when I was in stressful situations and it helped calm me down. Out of curiosity, I thought I'd get stuck in to the read of what Tolle teaches. The dissolution of the ego. Or more plainly, the dissolution of the thinking part of our brains. People can say what they like here, about how Tolle words what he is teaching in his books. However, ultimately, what he is teaching is a form of nihilism. It really is. And what's more, he is right. Essentially, nothing matters. Suffering and pain aren't real emotions. That is what he is saying. If someone is done a perceived injustice (that we have socially constructed as an injustice), such as someone has physically harmed them, or their families, they have no reason to feel aggrieved or even have a negative emotion. If someone comes into my house now and chops my arms and legs off, Tolle would say accept it, live in the now and you won't suffer. If I suffer, it is my ego. Thinking logically, this is true. I would have a choice whether to suffer. What does it matter if I have arms or legs? Emotions are not real. Nothing is real. Everything is a thought, which isn't a thing. Our thoughts are conditioned because of hundreds of years worth of social constructs. Essentially, anything goes. We needn't feel bad for any behaviour, because whatever we do, essentially is neither right or wrong. There is no adjudicator. Even in the sense that you think you love someone. You don't. How mind blowing is that? I saw a video with Tolle (before he was with Kim), and he said that relationships should be avoided. They are social constructs, again. Love, as much as suffering and pain, isn't real. I thought I loved a girl. I would have jumped in front of a gun for her. But love isn't real. You don't love anyone. Because if you are in the now, which is your true self, you have no thoughts. To love something, you need to have thoughts. It cannot work. Therefore, love is based on a thought, that essentially is ego, which is not you. Nothing matters. Everything is a construct. Tolle says he enjoys spending time in nature, which he sees as beautiful. But isn't the idea of nature being beautiful a social construct too? Who says it is? Why do we think anything is interesting or beautiful? That is a thought, which isn't you. Why do you get out of bed and go to work? Why do you study? Why do you watch TV? Why do you socialise, when your friends are doubtlessly ran by their egos, which isn't them? As such, your friends are illusions. They are not real. Nothing is real, everything is an illusion. This is EXACTLY what Tolle is getting at but he might not have worded it as such. Yes, I could live in the 'now'. But how do I function if I have no thoughts? I would urinate and defecate in this exact spot which I am laid. How do I chose what to eat with no thoughts? Tolle's answer for everything is to be in the now. The now cannot be bettered. Nothing compares to the bliss of the now, because if you are not thinking. Of course the now will be a type of bliss, as there are no thoughts. I saw him on Oprah's show on YouTube and they was talking about people grieving. He didn't word it as such, but what he was saying was people are grieving over nothing and they choose to suffering. Do not grieve over your loved ones when they pass, because they, for one thing, they are illusions, two you cannot love them, and three there's nothing you can do to bring them back. It makes absolute sense. So cutting to the chase, why am I here when I could accept the now and none of this would matter? I should be content with just existing. Because I can't yet cease thinking entirely. And more specifically, I don't know if I want to (you will say, ah this is your ego). So I can't win. I am in a state of perpetual suffering as a result. Trying to achieve something that ultimately, you can't and trying to avoid going back to a world of illusions that I now find incredibly scary. My friends are not real, the love I feel for people is not real, everything is an illusion. And I know every single one of you Tolle fans on here know that I am speaking the truth. Tolle cannot write it like this in his books, as it would never be published. My world has come crashing down. I LOVED my life. I was content. I FELT things. Happiness, sadness, euphoria, excitement, nervousness, heartache. But these emotions are just illusions, mere thoughts that aren't real. I now have no desire to anything. See friends? No, they're illusions. See family? No, they're illusions. Go to work? No what's the point, it's an illusion and creates a false identity. If you are a Tolle follower, why do you do anything? The last vestiges of my thinking mind realise that I have two basic functions. To survive and to procreate. These are biologically preprogrammed. These are the only things that are 'real' to me. So, while I want to die (this is a genuine thought, as nothing matters. Indeed, having spoken to a number of enlightened folk online over the past few days, they have agreed that it doesn't matter if I live or die. If I want to die, then die. My family and friends will suffer, but as we know, that suffering isn't really who they are. The real 'them' would not care, as those emotions are born out of the ego). What do I do? I am stuck. I anticipate many of you will just say accept and submit to the now. My point is, I don't see how this truth (it is the truth, you can deny it as much as you like, but this absolutely what Tolle and others with similar messages are getting at in a round about way). can lead anyone to a state of happiness of euphoria, as these aren't real either. Ulimately, a tiny bit of my disgusting egoic brain tells me that perhaps it is better to leave people in their unconscious lives of ignorance. It is all an illusion, sure. But they don't know that. It's that or nothingness. How can't this truth, ultimately, lead to people just dying? And again, what would that matter? It wouldn't.

Interesting. I'm in a game, only 'I'm not'. I'm a thing of flesh and blood that I sort of inhabit, but I am not it, and I only am when I'm not. Which is when I have no thoughts. But anyway, I'm in a game that was created by someone who doesn't exist, but does, in me. This doesn't really help. I'm in a game that isn't real, that's essentially all in my mind, but my mind isn't me. So when I'm the real me, with no thoughts, emotions, opinions, idea etc, I wouldn't be able to recognise anything anyway. All my life I've believed in the big bang. Are you telling me this is a creation too? The thing is I find so many parts absurd, clearly. But there is so much that you can't dispute. I just wish people wouldn't pick the parts that they find palatable. If someone gets raped and they suffer, isn't it their problem? Who says the rapist is doing anything wrong? Why was Adolf Hitler evil? These are the questions this all poses. The rape victim chooses to suffer. If they were in their ultimate consciousness, they wouldn't realise what was happening to them. They wouldn't associate it with being bad. You all know this is true. What I'm getting at is, this is bigger than you know. Nothing is real. I have no morals, no thoughts, feelings, emotions. I am a thing, in terms of matter only.

Anger is not real. Your emotions are not real. The bus stop isn't real. All your emotions are not real. You choose to feel happy, sad, angry. When you feel these emotions, you are not you. You are your ego, which is not you. Your true self would have no thoughts. Your true self if happy feeling nothing. You have to try and find the nothing.

Can anyone even explain to me how they navigate their day to day lives? Why do you go to work? Why do you visit your family or pretend you love them? As we know, emotions are not real! Do you engage in any activities you find pleasurable? Do you study? If you do, why? I study an MA, but I don't see the point now. I study international relations. I wanted to try and work myself into a position where I could influence conflicts in the world. Perhaps stop them, to end what I saw as injustice and suffering. But who actually says that killing is bad? Isn't it their choice to suffer? I saw Tolle speak about the Syrian crisis. He seemed a little concerned, but I think he knows that it is their choice to suffer. They can enjoy the bliss of now. I'm being deadly serious here, too.

@Amun But their emotions are not real, are they? They might experience it, but that does not make it real. If I throw myself off a bridge, their emotional reaction is not real. Their real self, who they really are, would not react. It would even recognise me. Indeed, I am their son, but that is a concept. They could switch that emotion off in an instant. Tolle has even said this. It is you who chooses to grieve. Because he knows that ultimately, we are all illusions and not real. He can't say this though can he? Otherwise the world wouldn't last 24 hours. @Odysseus I loved Greek mythology, too. You say your ego is you. But is it really? We are being told that it isn't us. The 'real' you has no thoughts, no opinions and feelings or emotions. It is your ego that is telling you that you like Greek mythology. Why it feeds on that I am not sure. But your real self wouldn't recognise it. There is no need to know things. @Shin Watching that, the brown bear does a great job of illustrating my point. I don't see how he is wrong. He still actually has ego himself, because he has an opinion on what is right. But when it is an opinion on the Truth, that it is permitted. From what I've read and researched, everything is an illusion. From the love we feel for different things, the concepts that certain thing are beautiful, to the fear of death as a bad thing, none of it is real. It's all a construct. Who says I should fear death? One, that is a construct in itself, that death is a bad thing. Two, I won't hurt anyone. If you truly, truly accept the truth, then you have to come to terms with this point. Three, I will be dead, so it makes no difference to me. When you die, you die. Your body rots down to next to nothing. You don't go anywhere and you certainly don't come back as an olive. If reincarnation was real, I wouldn't now be me, because why would I want to be me? Of course I AM NOT ME.