Anicko
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Everything posted by Anicko
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In my always humble opinion, you have a very good, important point here. You have to tinker and try if you want to discover. Sometimes, for example, I'll consider solipsism. All the what ifs that come with it are full of lessons, if one keeps an open mind. Do I think it's truth? No. But what do I actually know? It's fun to consider all sorts of things, as long as you don't get lost in beliefs.
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This is an excellent point. I could choose to sit and think about all the ways I disagree with someone, but that does not move me forward. And I feel strongly that that is actually true for every person at their core. That's the "inner work" part, it is completely within oneself. I do understand why someone would think debating agreements/disagreements would help, but it's an ego trap. There are plenty of things Leo has said that I know are wrong, but that's because I'm in a different place than he is right now, and truly I can witness his own growth in his videos, and it is beautiful. I can hear him say something that I disagree with or know to be false without being hurt by it because no one else but me can get me me where I need to be. I'll take the help wherever I can, but I won't be blind anymore. But see, even as I am writing this, I am realizing what it means to the people who participate in the debate and I feel my perspective shifting. I want to tell everyone "No, you're doing it wrong, go this way", but that is my own personal trap, because we must each make our own path. I say it far too often anymore, but it is impossible to explain precisely what I mean. You must see and feel it for yourself. I feel grateful that Leo, and others, are sharing their experiences, and I am willing to understand, overlook, and, most importantly, forgive mistakes that are made in the process.
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I try incredibly hard to not judge. I can feel your pain in your writing, which was why I wrote here in the first place. It reminded me of so many women in my life, myself included. Society always likes to give us mixed messages. (I know it's true for men as well, but I am not a man). We are too weak alone, if we are alone we are worthless, we're too old or too young, we just don't understand men/men just can't understand women... So many lies. No one should lose themselves because of another person. Not for any reason.
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Most people take everything far too seriously and personally. I have come to see this as the absolute number one problem in any and all relationships. Then, top it off with all the labels, judgments, excuses and lies that humans are so prone to piling on and it's no wonder we feel like we can rarely deeply connect with and love others. When you learn to undo all of that, people become, at a minimum, fascinating and highly entertaining. Ultimately, you experience true unconditional love. It's worth the effort.
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@Natasha I appreciate absolutely what you have said here, and I've tried to allow what you've said to be my belief as well, but ultimately, I think the whole "men and women are just naturally different" is so full of excuses and bullshit it makes me ill. Ultimately, we are all this strange spirit-y awareness inside a physical body. The same. That false self/ego-character is nothing but a ball of lies. If you don't like someone, for any reason whatsoever, you should be absolutely free to have them not be a part of your reality. If someone is being their true self and you are as well, you will like them- naturally. If you don't like their false self, that is your right- and that doesn't matter whether you are your true self at the moment or not. It's so hard to explain, but ultimately I don't think anyone should feel obligated to keep another person in their life of they don't want them there.
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I don't want to push any judgments, questions, or "advice" on you, but I can relate a little bit to what you've shared so far. I wish you the best of luck, and I think you are finding a way to your right path. I started my entire journey when I discovered codependency. Lisa A. Romano's videos on YouTube really helped me find ways to discover ME early on. I've since moved past all that, but she's amazing. Best wishes.
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It's tough. And yeah, more often than not, it's best to keep your mouth shut if stirring the pot is not your favorite thing to do. As you learn and grow, you will find amazing opportunities to share yourself, with strangers and loved ones alike. Don't let anyone discourage you from finding your true self. The more you discover it, the easier it gets, I promise!
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@MartineF That clip was hilarious to me. I feel a little sorry for the cop- he probably felt like the humiliated asshole at the time, but perspective is everything. Thank you for sharing it. I also get the sense you are a class act. I hope you have an excellent day.
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I have very few habits that I actually choose (subconscious or not). I am a go with the flow kind of person, and I get better at going with the flow everyday. I've tried to establish so-called "good" habits repeatedly throughout my life, but they never stick around long! I quit smoking about a year and a half ago, but I love my ecig- maybe too much. When I have nothing in particular to do, I find myself on my phone, bored, a little too often. I used to feel very upset if I didn't have coffee and quiet time alone when I first get up, but the negativity around it has faded away, so now mornings are much more easygoing for me. My thought-pattern habits are changing for the better. I'm not immediately discouraged/upset/excited by much anymore as I gain awareness in the moment. The rest of my life activity is different every day. I wake up, go to bed, shower, eat at different times, spend my time with different people, have different things to get done. I get stressed out when I have a specific to-do list. I prefer to decide in the moment what I want to do. As my life flows more easily together, I find myself simply enjoying what is right now, without worry over what's to be done, what's right or wrong, whether I'm wasting my time or potential. I'm not bothered by, or proud of, habits I have or don't have. It's quite liberating to just not give a crap either way!
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I think it is indeed a tool that can be very useful for some people. But like all tools, it must be used properly and not relied on for too much or too long. Personally, I tried it, and it did help me overcome the battle I was in at that time. I've since moved away from it, but some of the things I learned still benefit me, such as dealing with stressful situations or when I want to lucid dream or enjoy the interesting sensations of being in a natural altered state simply because it's fun. I had some difficulty learning to do it initially because I think in words and letters, I have a very hard time sustaining a picture in my mind, but there are lots of resources for different ways of doing it if you look long enough. Eventually your own mind starts to figure out how to do it on its own if you don't hold too tightly to what someone else says. It's fun, though. Don't take it too seriously and you might find it helpful... Or not. If you aren't being too serious about it, it doesn't hurt to try.
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I seem to be having a bit of a breakthrough, my funk is quickly dissipating. My love for music is returning, I'm not as frustrated by the idiotic behavior of others and I'm feeling pretty content. I have mostly stopped meditating, at least in the commonly accepted way of doing it. I still use what I learned to put myself to sleep most nights because it works so beautifully, but my main focus is watching my emotions and the corresponding thoughts, removing beliefs. I feel like I'm being tested (not in any woo-hoo way, mind you, just the easiest way to describe it) right now. I feel like everyone is picking on me! It's a massive opportunity to practice rejecting projection and not taking things personally. Last night I was discussing with a schoolmate the recent behavior of others in correlation to the full moon. It was a fun conversation and I did get an opportunity to share some of my personal work with her and she was surprised and receptive to some of my ideas. I always tread carefully, but especially when it's someone who is very religious. I'm finding more opportunities to help, and it's interesting, sometimes frustrating, because it's so different from the way I've always previously tried to "help". It's no longer advice or *doing* anything. It's more, this is what I'm inspired to say to you, take it or leave it, I don't give a shit if it does not directly involve me. Sometimes I'm shocked at how harsh I come across, but I'm discovering that if it was truly an inspired comment, there are no negative repercussions. The other person either opens their mind a little bit or they shut up and drop the issue. I found myself viewing old thoughts of depression, anger, anxiety with a different perspective and it's laughable! It's hard to explain, but I think I'm beginning to understand what it actually means to "stop letting myself be depressed/anxious/angry". Like so many things in this inner work (love and forgiveness for example), it is not what one expects, and it is impossible to find the right words to share with other people! But I reflect on all the times I was told to simply cheer up and I get it. I am not supposed to just think positive thoughts - that is just a temporary bandage, if it works at all. You have to remove all the filters you've been viewing your life through, start seeing what's really been there all along. There is so much we can learn if we're willing to just open our minds and try different perspectives. When you find the perspective that is calm and peaceful in your mind and heart, you've found the truth. It's absolutely beautiful.
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I'm definitely considering a new title for my journal. I love and hate words at the same time. Is funny because my fortune cookie the other day said "You are a lover of words and will write a book someday.". I also got one that says "You have friends and you know it." Aww. My pic here is one I got a while back that I sent to my school BFF because we had just been discussing the law of attraction and the book/movie The Secret. I love it. Anyways, that was a heck of a distraction from my original point of changing my title... Hating when words aren't "right"... And I guess I've lost it. That is my superpower. Actually, my superpower might be attention to detail. Got to give myself some credit here! I'm a hot mess today. I think I'm starting to write this more like my personal journals than as a planned post to an audience. I apologize if it bothers you, or if I leave you wanting more details, but I'm a 'fly by the seat of my pants' kind of girl! And my mind has a lot of squirrel moments. But a couple other notes... My Buddhist guy was a no call/no show to our appointment. I was not surprised, but a little disappointed. I hope he reschedules with me, (I want to fix that hair for him!) but we'll see. I also had a job I am rather excited about fall into my lap recently.
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There are some great stories here. I guess I feel inspired to share a small one of my own... So, I used to identify with anxiety and being an anxious person, but it's gotten so much better. I still get nervous, but it's different. One great example is when I get anxious I sweat a lot. It's awful. I was getting close to taking real person clients at school and I was getting myself ridiculously worked up over it. I was intensely interested in Eastern-style meditation at the time, and just beginning to explore shadow work and removing beliefs from my mind. Well! Somewhere in there, I managed to remove about 80-90% (for lack of a better description, words often fail) of my nervousness and anxiety. I did not drip sweat all over my clients! Fast forward, and now I may get a little anxious or nervous but it's under control. I'm even starting to manage my mistakes differently in my mind. I swear to you, there is a way out and it's worth the effort. Keep reading, keep asking and keep trying, you can figure it out!
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They see themselves as powerful (or try to), and they project their feelings of powerlessness onto you. When you start to feel it, you must recognize it and not accept it. It's an incredibly challenging thing to do, but as you practice, you'll figure it out. You have to understand, though, when you reject their projections, they are going to get angry. And you might be tempted to take their anger personally, but you must not! Then you do give them your power. I think of all the stuff I've learned about self actualization, projecting is the most fascinating thing to learn about. I'm still a long ways from completely recognizing and understanding it, but it gets easier over time.
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Leo said something in one of his videos (the shocking truth about enlightenment, maybe?) that you may notice contradictions and that especially older videos just don't jive with newer ones. He's on a personal journey, and he's trying to help others find their own paths. This stuff is not easy to explain, especially to someone who's not in the right place at the time they watch a video. He can't just tell you what to do or think, and it seems like that's the underlying expectation for a post like this. It doesn't mean he should get rid of material just because it's not right to you. Any time you think anyone else "should" do anything, you are supposed to wake up to your judgements and be rid of them. That's the biggest key to inner work. Let Leo be a mirror for you. He's not supposed to be your mind.
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@Progress I'm not sure how learning about him helps me, but his bio was a fun and interesting read, and I had a hearty laugh at some of the YouTube videos about him. I have known people and had friends that do the 'magick' thing, or fancy themselves Satanists. I, personally, prefer to remain free of any and all organized religious dogma. This is not the magic I speak of.
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I am definitely experiencing some sort of funk right now. But viewing my mind in this new way makes it seem so strange. Real and painful, but at the same time unreal and boring. I went on a mini vacation of sorts, and I think I want to stay on vacation forever! I had an amazing time, so many little details that make me feel such a sense of gratitude and joy. I'm feeling a little lost. I'm feeling bored. I'm feeling tired. It's almost like my old mind is trying to take over. It's a very bizarre thing, and when I try to describe it to myself, it sounds ridiculous. It's a sirens call to sleep, I think. It's temporary, I'm sure, and I'm learning from it. But, like so many people, I still seek validation at times, but this journey is such a solo adventure! I can gain comfort being able to discuss my thoughts with others, but little else. As long as I follow my inspiration and not my beliefs, things will work out fine.
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Choose things you are actually interested in and can understand, otherwise you are wasting your time. Just because someone tells you you should read this book, doesn't mean it's any use to you. We are supposed to seek teachers for practical skills - how to create a business, how to build something, where to find something. We are not supposed to cling to our teachers and expect them to tell us how to do everything. Teachers come with their own baggage of beliefs and biases, we must be very careful to not absorb them while learning what we actually want from them. When you do find yourself needing or wanting guidance from another person, keep in mind a good teacher is not going to be afraid of you surpassing them. They don't want you to be their student forever. In fact, the best teachers want to see you fly past them and move on to better things.
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I just had an amazing moment of awareness. I went to write a note for myself in my scribble app, and I glanced at some old notes (there aren't many, I'm terrible at writing myself notes) and realized they exist as a journal in and of themselves. It gives me a tiny snapshot of my personal journey, and it's incredibly uplifting. I wish I could explain how it feels. The words closest I can use are joy, love, forgiveness, peace, hope... But not one of those words is exactly right. Part of me feels this is familiar somehow, but I can't quite remember it. I can question whether I'm crazy all day, but I have to accept not knowing and go on faith, and hope. Two words that seem so foreign and paradoxical to my mind. All that false self/ego stuff that to other people, and a part of my own mind, that is so ridiculous if you haven't felt it yourself. Again, words fail so hard to explain. You're either in it, or you are unaware. But you can't understand your unawareness if you haven't ever realized and accepted it. And this circles me back- a journal is an incredible tool for understanding yourself. Start one intentionally, but also look for places you have already accidentally left one for yourself. It's an amazing experience! And now for a personal journal moment, I must go and change a kid's poopy diaper. If you are reading this, I wish you peace and joy in your own life. I love you (mushy woo-woo!!).
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Oh, yes. I have the Buddhist teacher as my client again tonight. Last week's service was nerve-wracking, but tonight's is cake, so I will be able to pay more attention to conversation. I'm feeling very curious. It's very hard not to allow myself to place any judgments, but I feel like he's not trustworthy in a way. He's just playing a false role. I'll have to report back on how it went. It's too funny!
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The absolute key is the inner work. You have to lose all judgments about yourself and how you think others perceive you, and then you have to stop judging everyone else. When you get to a certain point, you start to realize what "not caring" about other people's thoughts really means. It will surprise you. Words can not accurately describe it, it must be experienced to be understood. It opens up a whole different world with people, and you will realize that you can love absolutely anybody that you ever meet. You will feel real love for all the people you never meet. It's not what you expect!! I wish I could explain just how good it feels. You can't change your outer and leave your inner broken. The patterns will just keep repeating eventually.
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No one can tell you what is right for your body but you. No one answer is right for everyone unless it always leads to a positive result. And even when something appears to be true, you have to look for hidden harm. How do you know what happens when you do or don't do anything isn't just your imagination? The placebo effect is a great example. When you get the urge, do it, don't do it. When you get to the absolute core, it doesn't fucking matter either way. No one else truly cares what you do with your own genitals - and if they have anything to say at all, they are just judging and projecting, and you don't need that in your life. Besides, anything that does or doesn't happen, whether you do or do not do 'the thing' is simply your imagination anyways. That is maybe what Leo should talk about.
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@Journey Thanks for sharing the song. I seem to have recently lost my interest in music, which is weird and surely temporary, but the song was fun and struck a chord for me at the moment. I appreciate it!!
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Autopilot is closer to what I mean. The funny thing is, no one can tell me what's true and what's not, no one can know if what I'm experiencing isn't just another mind trick, that I'm not just chasing the rainbow. That's what real loneliness is. The spiritual, existential kind. We are each a single awareness within a body. We can never truly know anyone else's experience with anything. The way I experience a pin prick may or may not be exactly the same as someone else, but I can't ever be certain. Waking up, coming through the veil, breaking out of the illusion, enlightenment - whatever you wish to call it - what is it really, and what does it mean for each of us? Sometimes I wonder if it's truth, or if I am a little crazy, but that's not a good one to dwell on for too long, but my experiences have been interesting and have started to change my existence positively in many different ways. I can't help but seek others who might be seeing what I'm seeing, perhaps partly for validation. It's an interesting path to walk. So many contradictions, so many scary parts. It's uncomfortable, but once you get past something, that discomfort no longer seems to have been real. I love when I actually catch myself avoid negative feelings so I can question them. Sometimes my mind wins and I begin to get lost thoughts about something else, but sometimes I am able to sit with it and make it go away and that problem then seems so different, and not a real problem anymore. It's like magic. And then you start questioning EVERYTHING. Even things that seem ridiculous, like do germs really cause disease, and if I stop believing that they do, germs will not hurt me again? Seriously? And how the heck do you go about doing it? Hard to explain. But really fascinating stuff.
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@Anna Skywords I appreciate the kind words. It is a funny thing, and no matter how hard one tries to describe it so that it doesn't sounds insane to another person, words suck at doing a good job. I have not had the desire and time for a new entry the last couple weeks, but soon I'm sure I'll be inspired.
