SQAAD

I was off weed for about a year now. And i was doing pretty good. I was meditating consistently every day for 20-40 minutes, was working on my Life Purpose, lost weight, was eating and sleeping a lot better. But 2 days ago i was feeling very very very bad. Probably one of the darkest periods of my life because i was facing some hard truths that i have been avoiding all my life...Generally there was a lot of stress in my life from many many different factors that i couldn't cope with. My main addiction has been with weed for most of my 20s. I began experimenting with drugs in when i was 20 years old. The last 3 years i had some relapses but i was mostly off weed. Because the pain was too much. I am doing better than 3 years ago but i still need help with this addiction. The biggest trigger for me to use weed , is extreme emotional pain. When things get really really bad. I now understand that i need to change my ways but i am afraid to change. I am scared to do certain things that need to be done in order for my life to dramatically improve. I believe i have a solid theoretical foundation, but i need a lot more action taking. I am feeling bad now, anxious and have cravings to smoke weed again. In the past i had a serious weed addiction that wasted 6-7 years of my early 20s. Now i am approaching 30s and i don't want to repeat the same dysfunctional patterns that produces enormous misery in my life for no good reason. I know that i can't control weed and i regret going back to it. I am a very attention to detail person and i get easily fraked out. I always worry about my health when i smoke weed. This makes my situation a LOT worse. Today i even searched into the toilet bin to find some weed to smoke that i threw away the night before. (I know its disgusting, but this is where the disease took me). I have the habit to throw away chocolate or stuff i don't wanna use. It works as a barrier. But with weed it did not work which is scary. This is how serious this addiction is for me, and that's why i feel even worse now. Any advice is highly apprecated.

@Nahm Nobody is sad. There isn't any entity inside me that is sad. But the thoughts create suffering and very difficult emotions.

@Shin I am sure about the mysterious aspect of Reality and the lack of control.

@Nahm Realisation that i am dead, that i don't exist. Realising that i am 'inside' a mysterious dream that i don't control..

@BipolarGrowth Good advice. Thank you.

@catcat69123 I am resisting discomfort and suffering.

@Someone here I don't know why realising God is so painful for the ego at times..... It matures over time though, your taste begins to change.

I have combined Syrian with LSA capsules. Big mistake. It made me not sleep for 2 days in a row and start losing my grip on reality. Its not a good combo for sure. It can lead to an unexpected trip.

Can you please tell me who are your role models?

I just realised that i am God now. WOW................................................................. And i am in God mode. What now???

I don't get it.

What if you stutter which makes your speaking skills go down the toilet or have some other disability. Maybe half of your face is burned from some fire when you were a kid or your nose is too big or you can barely walk with one leg. Is it possible to be succesful at pickup then when you have an obvious issue and you are not considered normal or you shouldn't even try? It seems pickup can only work for normies. I have never seen anyone who stutters attempting to do pickup.

Today i got my results for my cholesterol. It is 210 ng/dL. I have been eating many many whole eggs the last year. Like >15 eggs per week on average. And the last couple of months, i began noticing a feeling of blockage in my heart area. What should i do from now on? Is cutting down the eggs enough to lower my cholesterol?

@Rilles I'm interested to know, how do your rest days look like? How many times a week?

Haven't watched the attached video. But i have watched many other videos from Russel Brand. He is a pretty conscious and evolved guy who has overcome a lot of sh*t in his life. Also a great example of Stage Green. I don't think he is a Trump supporter, no way.

We've heard about how Reality is Perfection and Paradise but i think that at the same it is also Hell. Many peeople don't appreciate how hellish existence can become because they've just lived a basic comfortable existence somewhere in the Western world with somewhat decent parents. There are definitely levels to this. Levels that we don't even comprehend. For me it was a shock the previous year the amount of suffering that i've experienced from a silly mistake. That little mistake costed me 1 year of pure misery. One year of pure torture. There was a period where nothing i would do, would make the depression go away. I just had to let the time pass. It was the worst thing i've experienced in my entire life. I never expected reality could turn so ugly so fast. You can do all the ''right'' things and still get cancer, suffer through a terrible disease for years for no good reason, brain damage, dementia, lose all your money, get tortured , get murdered, etc etc. There are many things you can't control and can't completely avoid. My biggest fear besides getting tortured is losing my mind, my intelligence and my great memory. Every time i feel a painful sensation in my brain i get terrible anxiety. This can make my life unpleasant some of the time. Most of the time i am in a decent mood. But i am generally afraid of eventually losing everything i've worked so hard to gain. Many times i think that all the things i've learned , i can completely forget my just getting dementia. This can make it hard to motivate yourself. Yesterday i sat with a 90-year old man who has lost his memory abilities recently. He can't remember much. After his son died, he fell into a deep depression and his mind deteriorated significantly very rapidly. He was a physicist. The challenge of life i believe is that there are all these terrible things that can happen to you and you can't deny them. You can never say ''that will never happen to me''. All the sh*t you don't wanna experience, there is a chance you will experience it. It seems to me that all this suffering and pain is somewhat senseless at times. I don't get it why it can get so bad. I understand the necessity of pain and suffering but its just too much. Too much...

@Leo Gura You are right. ''Action is what really matters''.

@Leo Gura Fixing a stutter completely may be impossible though for some people. I have watched people with terrible stutters that did improve it but not all the way. Still the understanding on stuttering is very limited but it seems there is a neurological component. From my experience it is 80% psychological and 20% neurological. My situation is not completely hopeless and my stutter is mild. You are right that i am making excuses. It is because i am unsure whether i will be able to overcome this or not the way that i want. This is why i prefer to accept the worst case scenario before it even happens, i don't know if this is the best strategy though..

@Leo Gura Sometimes though some fears if they come true they will not be insignifant at all. If inability to speak well to women comes true and you can't change it well enough then that will mess up your game for good with not much hope....... Only in the cosmic scale it will be very insignificant & it won't matter at all. But for me, things that make me happy or not matter the whole world to me, as is with every living being i assume..

What is Not a thought then?

@Nahm I get what you are saying... But it is almost impossible to detach from thought... Thoughts exists for a very good reason, they help us survive. Personally because i am meditator i don't take every thought seriously.. But some thoughts i take them seriously because they are very good representation/narratives of whats going on in my life.

@Leo Gura Lol But what if the fear is not bullsh*t?? Sometimes the fear might represent/symbolise something legit....

@Leo Gura Yes, that's a good advice. I just like accepting the worst case scenario, which is tough to do at this moment.. In your video about fear you said, that its good to be willing to accept your fears.

@museumoftrees I don't really know. I guess it depends how much you have abused this substance and other factors. For me , even when i abuse it, i don't get any WDs. Everyones different. Some people get WDs when they quit weed for example, others don't.