SQAAD

@ZenAlex One could argue for the opposite. Still though if i come and spit in your face, you probably won't like it very much. So your advice does not hold any water. It sounds similar to like ''the problem is that rape bothers you too much, get over it''. lol

@something_else I don't have social anxiety. But i have been hurt by the behavior of other people in the past. This has caused some resentment towards the human race. And that is the reason, sometimes i may have thoughts of killing some fkers who have mistreated me. That is very normal. You probably grew up without much hurt from others. So you probably don't understand the situation. If you never have felt hatred towards the entire human race, then it is hard to understand. In the case of the pharmacists, i just got angry. But nothing too severe. I did not wanna kill her. I wanted to insult her yeah of course. I just don't like when people are misdiagnosing the situation i am describing. The title was just to show a general abstract idea i entertain sometimes when i feel nihilistic.

@Ima Freeman I don't buy into this whole notion that i may feel anger or violent thoughts because of some chemicals. That could be true but it is not true in my situation. Because i never feel anything like this when i am sitting at home. I know from others that in America many things have tons of chemicals in them. Here in Greece where i live, everything is much more healthier than America. Healthier fruits and veggies, tons of sunlight, more chill pace. America is Stage Orange on steroids basically. Everything too large, too much, etc. My mind is not agitated at all. Its very alert and calm actually. I think people have not properly understood my thread. It is not like i walk out everday wanting to kill people for the slightest of things. I never really want to kill people actually. The desire is never strong or serious. As far as the rage part, i disagree. When you have all your needs met then yeah you can act very spiritual and not be prone to rage or anger. But i can, just for a day, ruin your health, steal all your money, lock you up somewhere for the rest of your life. Lets see how you will feel afterwards lol. People wanna act more developed than they really are. But we are all animals. Some more or less than others.

@Breakingthewall I believe progress is better than perfection. I don't put so much value in being perfect all the time. Sometimes i am more assertive than others. But each time is a learning experience. Fortunately i don't suffer from social anxiety. My only issue is that i am sensitive to signs of lack of love or lack of respect from others. It triggers all my insecurities lol. I try to be assertive . Today i used your advice, and when i went to a store and bought something, this time i kinda forced the cashier to take my order. He was busy doing something else and wanted me to wait lol. But i kindly asked him ''how much does this cost'' and he was forced to do his job lol.

@Preety_India I don't have any hidden 'disorder' except from OCD which is treatable and very manageable at this point after years of recovery work. The issue is that i get triggered when i feel lack of love from others. It triggers insecurities in me. It makes me feel like there is something wrong with me.

@Preety_India I like that you admit your mistakes. That is a sign of increased consciousness on your part. I appreciate that. The suffering was intense and deep but now it has subsided. I barely feel it now after like 4-5 hours. It is not like i suffer from this constantly or want revenge . After 1-2 days i get over such incidents. That is the good thing. Now i feel pretty good . And i did not want to kill that lady. That statement of wanting to kill people is just an abstract desire i have at times when i feel very bad because of mistreatment for others. I almost never want to seriously kill anyone. If i am in a state of deep anger and rage then i think we all have ideas of seriously hurting the other. That is normal . As far as your previous bad experiences with guys, i believe you did let them abuse you. Unconsciously you allowed such behavior. You did not know any better so noone can judge you. This is a pattern that keeps repeating itself with many women. It has all to do with how we grew up. When we grow up with bad parents, we end up not liking ourselves very much , and we let others treat us badly , because we believe that we don't deserve any better. It is a common trap for women to fall pey to narcissistic scums & psychopaths out there.

@Breakingthewall Yes i try to do that sometimes. But other times my mind is like ''you will never see this fker again so better don't even waste your time and mental resources on this bs'' I wanted to insult her and tell her something like ''you should at least know what l-tryptophan is , if you are a pharmacist''. The difficult thing is not trying to hurt the other back. Setting limits is a good advice . Tough to do sometimes. Most of the times we wanna avoid negative encounters with people.

@something_else You don't know that. No. That is your silly interpretation. I did not say that. In this particular case i just wanted to insult her. In other more extreme case, yes i might want to kill someone. Usually hurt them at most times. And that is perfectly fine. Read the thread more carefully. Unhelpful low level advice. If that was true, i would not be sitting in my house right now. I would be in prison. I have endured much things without reacting to it. I guess you are the type of person who is immune to human insult and disrespect. Usually only psychopaths are able of such extraordinary unhuman feats.

@Breakingthewall Yes this is so true man. Some people act very spiritual and are quick to deny/suppress the animal inside us. But there is much wisdom behind aggresion and violence. When i was younger, i used to read Conan The Barbarian. What i liked about him was that he always said ''Civilised people disrespect one another. But this is because they do not fear getting their head chopped off'' You see in Conan's country, in Kimmeria it would be very dangerous to treat others badly. But nowadays people in civilised society have much more leeway. There are prisons and etc that make you think twice before doing a silly move.

@Preety_India Many times we invite such behaviors. You let them treat you that way. There are some narcissistic scums of the earth in this existence, who look for the ideal victim. They look for someone to manipulate and do all their selfish devilish bs. Nowadays i put boundaries to people. I used to be a people-pleaser. To be honest, i am still a people pleaser but to a lesser degree. I don't like that you compare and downplay my suffering. My suffering was very intense. We all suffer. A war veteran with PTSD who has seen people getting raped and chopped off with machetes could also downplay our suffering. How would that make you feel though?

@puporing Damn, you must have had a really difficult time... Narcissists are really really toxic and will drain everything out of you eventually. I try to avoid them at all cost. Marrying a narcissts or working for a narcissist is a recipe for disaster.

@Razard86 I don't believe that. They see everyone as extension of themselves? What?? Someone who has tons of empathy and compassion sees everyone as an extension of themselves. Narcissists lack empathy. They are the worst of the worst along with psychopaths. They have no moral qualms about hurting you or exploiting you. Its all about their own little petty ego. A very low level to be stuck in indeed. And yes you are right. From what i understand all narcisissts have been hurt and traumatized by other people when they were kids. This has made them, inflict suffering on others, without any remorse.

@RMQualtrough Yes!! That is so true for me aswell.. There is this constant battle with Uncertainty going on. You are almost never 100% certain about anything. They say that you must be stupid to be 100% certain all the time . I guess doubt is very natural.

Today i tripped on LSA. I realised that i am God dreaming up this present moment (this i've had in the past aswell). The trip was not very intense but it was intense enough to shake the foundations of my Reality and make me question my sanity . After a certain point of the trip i thought i gone insane and i was fearful of that. The freaky part about it was that this solid difference that i've had in my mind between sanity and insanity disappeared. There was no such solid difference anymore. The best way that i can explain it is that my anchor of what reality is just vanished. There was nothing anchoring my sense of what reality is anymore. All i knew was that it was God but i didn't know anything else after that. This was very very challenging. My mind really stuggled to make sense of what was happening. Understanding what God is, is really a challenge. And it can be super dangerous too. This experience has made me appreciate more how challenging tripping and understanding reality can be. It can be brutal and very difficult at times. Now i respect more Leo's tripping because i got a taste of how challenging it can be for his mind to wrap around Awakening & God . You have to face your mind. And your greatest fears. At least thats my experience so far.. This was one of my most challenging trips so far. I could call it even traumatic to a certain extent. (Nothing too severe though) Because it just left me very puzzled at the end.....Now i feel like i understand even less than before lol... Also something else that scared me was that while i was tripping hard, my motor skills were kinda funny.. I felt like retarded because i would make some errors while typing and even peeling an orange with a knife was kinda challenging. Maybe this was a trick of my mind because that is actually one of my biggest fear. Being stupid and not understanding things. This was kinda traumatizing too... I've felt stupid on other trips before but this was more pronounced. With shrooms i usually don't feel so stupid using my body to do stuff when tripping.. Also with shrooms my experiences tend to be more understandable..Less confusing..

@puporing Yeah i feel you. It is nice to hear that many other people have similar experiences. Trips on psychs can be very messy and confusing at times. Sometimes the trip can be very definite and conclusive. But other times its pure chaos and very hard to make sense of what is going on.

@Danioover9000 Thank you for the advice. LSD is one of my favourite psychs. I've tried it once 4 years ago. 2 Tabs. Man ...It was the most mind-blowing experience of my life... I got a taste of what Infinity is....The most intense experience of my life... I just wish access to psychs was more easy.... Its a shame that its a challenge for many people to find good psychs to have a decent trip while its very easy to buy alcohol and cigarretes.

@Razard86 What i find most challenging is that when i trip very deep, i start questioning my sanity because distinctions are starting to collapse. This makes it more difficult to make sense of whatever is going on. And then after the trip is over you are like ''did i really experience that''. You try to put those experiences in a conceptual box but you can't . This creates uncertainty and stress for me.

@Leo Gura Thank you for the kind words. Much appreciated.

@Danioover9000 Low dose for me is 1-2 grams.

@Razard86 Basically on 5 grams all distinctions begin collapsing. Its very hard to distinguish sounds from sights and etc. Forms start breaking down too. I can imagine that if i were to take more than 5 grams i would not be able to distinguish anything anymore which is very freaky..

@Dazgwny Yes you are right. But i was not tripping too hard...

@Danioover9000 These are the ingredients for one capsule: Hawaiian Baby Woodrose 75 mg, L-tryptophan 50 mg, E959, caffeine 40 mg, L-tyrosine 30 mg, theobromine 15 mg, vitamin B6 10 mg, magnesium stearate, calcium dioxide, hydroxypropylmetylcellulose (vegetarian capsule). I took 4 capsules in total. Mind you, this is not a very heavy dose for me. It gave me a good trip though. I've taken the recommended dose which is 1-2 capsules before but the trip was always too weak.... No i was not referring to LSA as psilocybin mushrooms.

@Maka Max i've done was like 5 grams.

@Maka 3 grams. With 3 grams of shrooms i get a decent trip with no weird visuals and 'hallucinations'. Just pure Consciousness. Anything more and things get more and more confusing...

@Danioover9000 I did not take LSD. I took LSA. I don't know the exact dose because it was in capsules. I consider myself quite ''normal'' and i was in a decent state prior to the trip.