zenviolet

So, I have a real issue with creating positive change in my life because I react poorly to any sort of pressure or judgment. Basically in my head it goes like this: “You should (insert non-habitual activity here, exercise, dance, paint, write a story, learn a skill).” I don’t do it because I don’t feel any sort of motivation to do it. I feel guilty for not doing the thing. I loathe the side of me that doesn’t want to do it. The side of me that doesn’t want to do it loathes the side of me that’s putting pressure on it. Rinse and repeat. How do I fix this? Any attempt at “forcing” myself creates an equal and opposite reaction. The harder I try to force myself, the more I balk at the pressure. So the side that doesn’t want me to do the thing wins most often and the side that does want me to do the things hates me (itself).

I've never felt love for myself. I've always had crippingly low self esteem, for as long as I can remember. My whole life I was also painfully curious about life and spirituality. I did some inquiry. Figured out I am nothing. There is no one in here and never was. You'd think it would be a relief. But everyone else is walking around, building this cool life, and I'm sitting here with even less personal motivation than before. I feel no love for anything. I think I am too broken to be in this world. Leo has a video for Self Love but I don't even understand how you can love a Self that doesn't even exist. Love is as foreign to me as aliens. I have lost all my lust for life (of which I never had much of, anyway). I'm really losing hope. I don't care about anything. I would love some advice.

The philosophies both involve giving up the ego, essentially “dying” to egoic life, and flowing with what the universe presents you. Has anyone actually tried this, and are there any other books about it? Even in a Ram Dass book I’ve read about “grinding down the wheel” or letting it spin itself out... like not engaging with any more karma, being aware of your emotions, opening up all the resistance like windows. Just pure awareness, not being led to action by thoughts any longer. I managed to do this for about three months and it was definitely the closest thing to enlightenment I ever felt. Everything felt intensely intimate, from doing the dishes to tying up my boots. Everything was as clear as a bell, but I fell back into old habits. Are there any other books like this, that speak of what happens when you (your ego) lets go of the wheel?

So... http://cosmology.com/CosmicConsciousness.html is this reasonable? even if it is, I have a headache. It will take a while to comprehend even a fraction of what’s being said here, but I thought it was worth posting... seems to sum up many of Leo’s findings as well as bridging many gaps between science and spirituality. thoughts? Sorry if this is against the rules, I just found it today and thought if anything it provided something good for my brain to chew on for a while.

@Leo Gura Leo! I couldn’t find a place to message you directly... I just found you series of interviews with Peter Ralston and just finished one of his books... super wicked