Zigzag Idiot

I just turned 55. When I was in school there was no sex education at my school. I live in a rural area of Arkansas. I really know nothing about contemporary sex education that's offered in my country other than there used to be a wide variance concerning the curriculum when contrasting different areas of the country. Former President Clinton is from Arkansas. When elected in the early nineties he choose Joycelyn Elders, also from Arkansas, as Surgeon General. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joycelyn_Elders Being an outspoken advocate for sex education and masturbation. I remember the controversy surrounding her,,, Conservative Christian Fundamentalists still hold sway over politics and local school boards where most of the decisions are made. At the heart of this Stage blue - orange Spiral Dynamics worldview, shaming and scapegoating from people who themselves are sexual repressed perpetuate this repression. In my opinion mostly because of fear and group think. These people are not integrated nor individuated to the point of turning the tide. The metaphorical tide though is turning led by the more highly populated metropolitan areas. It just seems so slow to happen. The diversity across our country is vast. East and west coast being quite progressive. The middle of the country is still pretty much ruled over by a bunch of sexually repressed conservative numb-nuts. As an adolescent, I experimented with others of the same sex on a few occasions. Mostly because of curiosity and through loss of boundaries during times of extreme drunkenness. These few events satisfied my curiosity regarding my sexuality but were little morsels of gossip that were spread around our little community and would still today cause some of my family shame. I've become more Teflon or' thick skinned' as the saying goes. Over the years. I would observe how people would passive aggressively name drop and such in an attempt to gain psychological advantage,,, I guess,,. Attempts in trying to shame me. For the most part, unintegrated, sexually repressed people's attempt at perpetuating this fearful worldview. Being that my Journal is known about by some locals, I invite harassment by engaging in these kind of discussions. To me, psychological integration means that one can stand their ground when confronted by others with, I guess, has to be labeled as somewhat 'shadow material'.

@Zigzag Idiot thanks . I think that sex education should be an integrated component of population education programs in every country of the world . The problem is 90% of teenagers begin their sexual lives with porn and masturbation. I know I did .there is also this whole demonisation of sex that runs amok in third world and Conservative countries. What do you think? Should we teach kids in school about their sexusliy ? It could certainly be helpful, In stage blue countries where fundamentalist religion is dominant, most sex education programs will run contrary to its values which are rooted in the demonization of our sex energy. This then creates a clash with the liberties of their religious freedom. I may be out of touch with some current trends regarding this clash. More effective towards a faster resolution I think would be a progressive campaign launched by a large group irreverent, light hearted heretics eroding the boogey-man Satin/Devil aspect of their rationales. This done outside of the countries educational system of course. Maybe introduce a revived form of Disco as a component of this campaign. Doing for them what it helped accomplish for the U.S. in the 70's. I'm about half joking of course,,, In my irreverent opinion the following work by Rob Brezsny would set a good underlying tone for a progressive campaign of heretics wanting to reduce the overall fear and shame instilled in a population by conservative fundamentalist religions. Rob Brezsny's - A Prayer For You. I am starting to pray right now to the God of Gods, the God beyond all Gods, the Girlfriend of God, the Teacher of God, the Goddess who invented God, and what I pray is: Oh Goddess Who Never Kills But Only Changes: I pray that my exuberant, suave, and accidental words might move You to unleash ferocious blessings on all the beauty and truth fans who've tuned in. I pray that You'll grant them what they don't even know they want. Not just the boons they think they need but everything they've been afraid to even imagine or wish for. Oh Goddess, You Wealthy Anarchist Burning Heaven to the Ground: The divine chameleons out there in sacred space don't even know they're crazy. Please use Your blinding magic to help them see they're all wildly creative geniuses too big for their own bodies. Guide them to realize that they're all completely different from what they think they are and more exciting than they can possibly imagine. And make it immoral, illegal, irrelevant, unpatriotic and totally tasteless for them to be in love with anyone or anything that's no good for them. Oh Goddess You Sly Universal Virus with No Opinion: I beg that You help all the personal growth-addicts that are reading this prayer to be disciplined enough to go crazy in the name of creation not destruction. I pray that You teach them the difference between self-destructive self-control and liberating self-control. Awaken in them the power to do the half-right thing when it's impossible to do the totally right thing. Arouse the Wild Woman within them ~ even if they're men. Give them bigger, better, more original sins and wilder, wetter, more interesting problems. And, oh Goddess, You Pregnant Criminal Who Scorns All Mediocre Longing: Inspire all the original sinners out there to love their enemies in case their friends turn out to be jerks. Provoke them to throw away things that make them believe they're better than everyone else. Show them how much fun it is to brag about what they can't do and don't have. Most of all, brainwash them with Your freedom, so that they never love their own pain more than anyone else's pain. Oh Goddess, you Psychedelic Mushroom Cloud at the Center of All Our Brains: These budding Demeters and Inannas and Buddhas and Christs deserve everything they need and much much more. Please arrange for a racehorse to be named after them, or a boulevard or river or thousand-year-old storm on another planet. Help them win the battle against time, and learn to talk the language of the most scientific angels, and master the zen of temper tantrums, and get a fabulous mommy and daddy in their next incarnation. Teach them to push their own buttons and unbreak their own hearts and right their own wrongs and sing their own songs and be their own wives and save their own lives. Bless them with lucid dreams while they're wide awake and solar energy-operated sex toys that work in the dark and a vacuum cleaner for their magic carpet and a knack for avoiding other people's hells [!] and a secret admirer who's not a psychotic stalker and a thousand masks that all fit their face perfectly and their own 900 number so that everyone has to pay to talk to them. Oh Goddess, you Dumb, Fast, Infinitely Wide River of Electricity, You Smart Slow Smoldering Lump of Angel Fat Left Over from the Big Bang, You Ghostly Snake Who Loves Inventive Tragedy and Sophisticated Superstition, You Cool Furnace That Incinerates the Props of Our Nightmares Much Too Slowly, You Creator of Happy Purgatories Where Impeccably Unironic Apocalypse Salesmen Preach Christian Satanism and Rosicrucian Baseball Players from the Middle Ages Dream Politically Cracked Dreams That Reveal the News in More Exact Metaphors Than Any Newspaper: I pray that You provide all the global village idiots that are reading this prayer with a license to bend all laws, rules, and traditions that keep them apart from the things they love. Show them how to purge themselves of the wishy-washy wishes that keep them distracted from their divine desires. And teach them that they can have anything they want if they'll only ask for it in an unselfish tone of voice. Oh Goddess Who Gives Us So Much Love and Pain Together That Our Morality is Always on the Verge of Collapsing: I beg You to cast a spell to nullify all bad spells that have ever been cast on all the beautiful love geniuses out there. Remove, banish, annihilate, and laugh into oblivion any jinx that has clung to them no matter how long they've suffered from it, and even if they've grown accustomed or addicted to its ugly companionship. Conjure an aura of protection around them so that they will receive an early warning if they're ever about to act in such a way that would attract another hex or plague or voodoo into their lives. And now, dear God of Gods, God Beyond All Gods, Sister Lover of God, Mother of God, Goddess who invented God: I bring this prayer to a close, trusting that in these mysterious moments You have impregnated the dream glands of all the beauty and truth fans out there with the most compassionate lust and smartest love You can imagine. And if there is anything I've forgotten which will help their cause, please flash it into my imagination in the coming days and months and decades, and motivate me to perform any tricks or carry out any project that will encourage an abundance of sweaty creativity to flow through them, inspiring them to become more wildly disciplined, erotically feminist, aggressively sensitive, demonically compassionate, ironically sincere, lyrically logical, insanely poised, orgiastically lucid, macho feminist. Amen. Awomen. Ommmmmmm and halle-fucking-lujah.

@Someone here Wonderful, broad minded, intelligent response. Thank you! This topic is inherently touchy. No pun intended. ? Lots of healing and integration await the majority of the population as well as myself on this subject.

Hope you don't mind if I give some self expression as well as some probably controversial opinions. If you want. I will take this down. Sexual repression, in the way it divides people against themselves, creates so many problems globally. Through shame and guilt it gets weaponized by those who know as well as those who don't know. To borrow a phrase from Ken Wilber. I'm a hardwired heterosexual. Self diagnosed Asperger's,,,, somewhat. To be blunt, I'd rather Jack-off than fuck. My taste in regards to porn is pretty vanilla. Softcore,, young cute/beautiful ladies. I do believe or understand the arguments about how porn poisons the minds of humans. Until a person really observes themselves over time it may remain sub or semi-conscious that it (porn) creates unrealistic expectations. I also agree with those who say it becomes an addiction. Nearly everything is addictive. Sugar, caffeine, bowling, complaining and arguing, chocolate ice cream. What could be more "normal" or understandable than admiring the physic of those who we are sexually attracted to. Humans are very oversexed as a species. We have relatively delicate bodies that needed some arithmetic on our side physiologically to survive in our evolution through history. I maintain that counteracting against the aggression of our own superego as well as others, leads to the awakening of conscience. Group think - herd mentality/ the cultural ego keeps us asleep as conformists. We have to learn to truly think for ourselves. I may be a stroke-slut but I abhor violence. War is profane. Humans are beautiful. The older I get, the more passive I become. It's normal to be horny but I live by a code that says never impose your will on someone else and that Mercy is the highest law.

Finishing my morning coffee now. It’s a cool sunny morning. Thinking of making a small brush fire where I’ve been doing some clearing. Might do some glass busting as well,,,, I’ve got a bunch of assorted glass jars and bottles that have accumulated. Playing with fire and busting glass. Two good therapy’s for bolstering the red energy. Lower chakras, hara, red Latifa,,, The Red Essence is the Quality that Will Keep Our Inquiry from Collapsing So when the going gets tough and we start thinking, “I don’t know if I can continue this inquiry; it’s too difficult,” our true nature can manifest what is needed. In this case, it is the quality of our true nature that we call the Red latifa. It gives us the sense that “Yes, I can do it, I’ve got what it takes,” so we don’t feel overwhelmed and give up. The Red Essence is the quality that will keep our inquiry from collapsing. You have probably noticed that even when you’re not confronted by blocks or challenges to your inquiry, simply engaging this subtle process of observing your experience and investigating it requires energy. If you’re tired, it will be difficult to effectively engage the process; the most you can do is be aware of what you are experiencing. It takes energy to go beyond that basic awareness—to understand the truth that lies hidden within our experience. Inquiry takes a lot more energy than doing your job because it takes all of you, all of the capacities of your psyche. Even when you’re not tired and not avoiding difficult issues, you still need energy to inquire. You need energy in order to be open and interested enough to remain engaged with such a subtle process, to allow such a subtle capacity as our inner guidance to function. That’s why it is important to practice inquiry when you feel energetic and robust, when you have vitality. That is also why you need to live in such a way that you have sufficient energy for inquiry, just as would be needed for doing any other inner practice. So if you’re really serious about engaging this work, you need to conserve your energy and balance your life so that you can be effective in your inquiry. Spacecruiser Inquiry, pg. 270 The Red Latifa Enables Defense Against the Superego Is relatively easy to see that much of our opaqueness, much of our lack of openness, much of our stuckness, is due to the attacks of the superego– ours and other people’s. These are the criticisms, the putdowns, the comparisons, the judgments, the devaluations, the blaming, the shaming, the rejection, and the hatred that the superego levels at you in all kinds of situations. Here the Red latifa can specifically be used in the service of inquiry, by giving us the strength to defend against the superego. Spacecruiser Inquiry, pg. 279 Taken from: https://www.diamondapproach.org/glossary/refinery_phrases/red-latifa Everyone have a good day!

Do you wish people well? Even people who get on your nerves? How about those you know who have gossiped about you? Maybe someone who owes you money or have brought harm to you somehow. Having a cynical attuite comes with a high price. You probably do not genuinely wish others well and carry around chronic low grade guilt because of that. This is something I've been working on. It's a difficult aim and I probably sound self righteous. Well,,,, I can be at times. And a hypocrite too. Most people are at given times and many choose not to observe that part of themselves. Self forgiveness can initiate a lot of healing. If you have an ax to grind with someone or you're carrying around a grudge or a grievance. Forgive them so you won't hate yourself. Lightheartedness is a wonderful healing balm. I've found all this takes practice. Continual practice. And sometimes I backslide for a time. Letting go is a major component. What does the word kenosis mean in Greek? the act of emptying In Christian theology, kenosis (Ancient Greek: κένωσις, romanized: kénōsis, lit. ' lit. 'the act of emptying'') is the 'self-emptying' of Jesus' own will and becoming entirely receptive to God's divine will. What is self emptying? Self-emptying is the core spiritual practice in contemplation. The word in ancient Greek is kenosis, as in “Christ Jesus… emptied himself.” In contemplation, one empties oneself of ego, anxiety, resentment, judgment, logistics, desire, you name it. And then one extends self-emptying into all aspects of life.

I perceive intellectual types as being especially susceptible to a chronic neurosis. Stuck in their head all the time,,, A favorite one- liner of mine. - Reaching conclusions can often make one miserable. I picked out a couple of excerpts from the Ridhwan glossary which I thought was in alignment with your statements. There is No Separate Thing That Is Ego As the restricted self, what we call the ego, lets go, its very substance unfolds like a flower. The ego doesn't die but transforms. The ego is nothing but the perspective of the surface of the soul, which is the true being. Many spiritual traditions go on about slaying the ego. But you can't kill the ego. There is no separate thing that is ego. The ego is action, simply an activity that fastens your being, your soul, your psyche, and your self in a particular way. The fixation and rigidity of the ego calcifies and forms a dry plaster on your gut that restricts the movement of your soul. As the ego dissolves we experience essence and being more directly. You might be sitting in a cafe when suddenly you experience yourself as an infinite, boundless, emerald green light. You can't help but see the pain and hurt of whoever passes in front of you, and your heart swells with kindness. You want to do whatever you can to alleviate their suffering. That is the emergence of the aspect of compassion. from- https://www.diamondapproach.org/glossary/refinery_phrases/ego-activity Ego Individuality is a Mental Structure, Not a Beingness Ego boundaries create not only a sense of separateness, but, in a fundamental way, a sense of isolation and lack of contact. ..... This is also a subtle perception, requiring a great deal of disidentification. As we discussed in the section on contact, the individuality of ego feels like a kind of personal contact, but only the Personal Essence can make real, direct contact. Our present discussion of boundaries makes it clear why this is so. It is not only because ego individuality is a mental structure and not a beingness, but also because its very existence is based on its boundaries. These boundaries separate it from the rest of the world much more profoundly than is usually assumed. When one experiences the quality of contact of the Personal Essence, it becomes clear how thoroughly ego is shut off within its boundaries, as if behind walls. It is painfully isolated from true human contact It is common understanding that deep contact requires that one relax, let go of one’s boundaries, and become vulnerable. The essential contact of the Personal Essence is made possible by a complete relaxation of defensive boundaries, a total vulnerability. This immediate, real contact is possible only for a personal presence that does not have the isolating boundaries of ego. This quality of the Personal Essence is mysterious, even miraculous. Pearl Beyond Price, pg. 398 from- https://www.diamondapproach.org/glossary/refinery_phrases/ego-boundaries

Homemade colloidal silver I been making my own colloidal silver for the last 20 years or so. Mine is industrial strength. I’ve had many a tooth go abscess. ( I’ve never taken good care of my teeth). My Dentist was cool with what I was doing. She would give me a script for a few pain pills and let me worry about the antibiotic. If my jaw swelled up and started to throb the mixture of colloidal silver I made would have an immediate effect. It’s an excellent topical antibiotic. It would work a little faster than pharmaceutical stuff. Amoxicillin, penicillin, etc.,, I tried drinking it for kidney infections but it didn’t work as well in that kind of application. It’s true that using too much will cause a persons skin to actually turn into a blue/gray color. I think that’s where the European nobility got the nickname “bluebloods”. Probably why they enjoyed a longer life span. Eating off pure silver trays and using real silverware. I could be wrong on that. I just read that hypothesis years ago. I wire 3 ordinary 9v batteries in series and have alligator clips at each end. I buy a heavy silver wire that is very pure, .9999 silver. I cut the 2 wire pieces about 6 inches long and put them into the alligator clips. I take 1 quart of distilled water and heat it in the microwave for 6 minutes. Then just put the 2 wires into the heated water for about an hour and a half. Near the end of the process I have to remove the silver wires from the water and wipe off a black corrosion with a paper towel. A friend of mine helped me figure the ‘recipe’ years ago. How long to heat the water. Time required, etc.,, The process just works faster when the water is heated. He was like the local Johnny Appleseed of Do-it-yourself colloidal silver manufacturing. The stuff they sell at health food stores is so watered down weak. It won’t attack an infection like good stout homemade colloidal silver. It’s important to use distilled water in making your own. It works great on an abscess tooth, ear infection or any infection on the outside of the body. Cuts and scrapes that get infected. The following story has nothing to do with colloidal silver. I remember when I was about 4 or 5 years old. My father made some toast one morning and had the dial set too far on the toaster resulting in half burned toast. For some reason this was more than I could take and I escaped away to my closet where I started crying. I was half ashamed that I was crying when he came and found me. Asking me what was wrong, I just shrugged my shoulders and followed him back to the kitchen.

As an enneatype 6 Devils Advocate, let me just say I have all of them. anger pride deceit fear avarice lust sloth procrastination gluttony (sugar, chocolate, carbs, etc.,, Arch Idiot, Round Idiot, squirming Idiot, argumentative belligerent obstinate hypocrite liar coward inconsistent Bad house keeper inaccurate with firearms - especially pistols impatient ,,,,,,,

There are many good excerpts. I just picked the first one under each term. Quotes about Enlightenment https://www.diamondapproach.org/glossary/refinery_phrases/enlightenment Different Conceptualizations of Enlightenment Actually, there is no universal or agreed upon definition, or even understanding, of the concept of enlightenment. Different traditions use the word differently. Different teachers refer to different realities when they use it. And most people have not the vaguest idea what they are talking about when referring to enlightenment. Sometimes enlightenment means the attainment of a certain stage of Being. Sometimes it refers to a certain insight, perception or understanding. Sometimes it refers to a certain stage of inner development, usually the final stage, which becomes problematic since different traditions take different conditions to be the final stage. Sometimes it signifies the transcendence of ego, other times the death of ego, still other times the transformation of ego... The concept can be useful only in a teaching that defines it very specifically. But we cannot use the concept assuming it means the same thing in all teachings or traditions. Pearl Beyond Price, pg. 182 Quotes about Awakening https://www.diamondapproach.org/glossary/refinery_phrases/awakening Appropriating the Capacities of True Nature Thinking that realization happens because “I am stepping aside” is the same thing as thinking that realization happens because “I am meditating.” Both positions take awakening and illumination to be a result of something we are doing. This becomes problematic because it prevents reality from revealing the fact that true nature is always the illuminator. It is the light that illuminates. It is the awareness that discerns. It is the knowledge that knows. The self or the individual or the practitioner doesn’t have these powers, doesn’t have these capacities. And when we use the ordinary style of language—where the subject doing the action is always an “I” or a self—we are appropriating the capacities of true nature. As I said, from the nonhierarchical view, we see that reality does appear this way sometimes, but if we assume that this is the only way that reality is, we limit our experience of reality and miss all kinds of freedom and fun. The Alchemy of Freedom, pg. 92

There’s few particulars in this YouTube. You might find it interesting though. This can get to be an expansive subject from my perspective necessitates inquiry in the form of self observation. Both intensive and long lasting because the psychological very much comes into play. Ted Nottingham who narrates this documentary is a student of the Gurdjieff material ( Fourth way/esoteric Christianity) A.H. Almaas incorporated Gurdjieff’s Teaching into his Diamond Approach. That’s who I’ve learned the most from. Reading his books and doing inquiry on my own. He goes at this subject from many angles including the perspective of the lataif of Sufism but tied in also completely with the Freudian concept of the superego,,,,, This is the red energy (sex energy) that needs to become freed up to further energize one “on the path”,,, I’m a rogue student of Almaas’s Diamond Approach. I’ll leave a couple of links to relevant topics from the Glossary if you’re interested. https://www.diamondapproach.org/glossary/refinery_phrases/lataif https://www.diamondapproach.org/glossary/refinery_phrases/superego https://www.diamondapproach.org/glossary/refinery_phrases/belly-center

Everyone is narcissistic to a degree. It’s okay. ? Spiral Dynamics makes a good map for differing worldviews. From resolving the disparities of survival / deficiency needs in the lower levels with its variety of worldviews. Conservative/family oriented to materialistic goals at orange and then more progressive at green. Then second tier and the emergence of Being needs. Yellow The transition from the First Tier of Consciousness to the Yellow level of the Second Tier is a “momentous leap” according to Clare Graves (1974, 2005), when the individual realizes that equally distributing resources among all people and expecting that all humans are equally good and loving creates more problems than it solves. This leap may occur when life conditions change to seriously threaten survival, and the individual/species has to relearn survival (Graves,2002). There are currently a small number of individuals who operate from the Second Tier of existence, but the species as a whole has not yet evolved to this level (Ooten, 2010). Adherence to the favored group in the Green level is transformed into acceptance of all people for who they are, where they are in the Second Tier. This acceptance allows individuals at the Yellow level of consciousness to speak to the listening of others, regardless of their level. Chaos is seen as part of the natural order and imperative for change (Graves, 2005). These individuals are highly flexible in their thinking and are able to see from a perspective that is larger than all the levels of the First Tier combined (Graves, 2005). The reality of existence is emphasized and interconnected with spirituality. The individual transcends self-centered, instinctual and emotional drives to a way of being that expresses self to the benefit of self and others (Ooten, Unpublished). Individuals at this level live from the knowing of the interconnectivity of all of humanity, and that what affects the individual, affects the whole. The focus becomes the continued existence of all of life (not just humanity), using whatever means are appropriate given place and time (Beck, 2006). Methods and thinking are fluid, adapting to conditions. If democracy is appropriate, democracy is used. If consensus is appropriate, consensus is used. Technology is highly utilized for self and all of humanity to rapidly network and interconnect with others at all levels of development, as well as to quickly produce solutions and resources for existential problems. People at this level can also express a level of arrogance about their broader perspectives and understandings (Graves, 2005; Beck, 2006). Individuals at the Yellow level of consciousness are motivated by the continuation of existence and use acceptance to ensure the continuation of life (Graves, 1974). Turquoise The Turquoise level arises when the interconnecting technology of the Yellow level creates chaos and new global problems. In the Turquoise level, a sense of order is understood within the chaos of the universe, and spirituality and physics are combined for a deeper understanding of how the universe and multiverses operate (Graves, 2005). The idea of the holon is embodied (that the microcosm reflects the macrocosm and the macrocosm reflects the microcosm; or as above, below and as below, above). The individual is seen as a part of the larger cosmos, a conscious collective, which serves the whole and the one as the same, because they are not separate (Ooten, Unpublished). In the understanding of that Oneness, individuals at the Turquoise level are aware that all actions and nonactions impact all beings, all planetary bodies, the entire cosmos (Graves, 2005; Graves, 2002; Beck, 2006). Individuals at this level see the earth and all living beings that inhabit the earth as one organism and understand that sacrifices are necessary by all for life to continue. These individuals learn intuitively and experientially, are deeply grounded in the metaphysical, and live minimalistically to create more for all (Graves, 2005). With such a broad awareness, there may be difficulty with creating direct and focused action. Paradox is embraced and known as essential (Graves, 2005; Beck, 2006). Individuals who operate from the Turquoise level value experience and through experiencing, they create communion with all that is (Graves, 1974). Enneagram Archetypes within Levels of Consciousness Spiral Dynamics is a model that describes phylogenetics, the evolution of the species. The Enneagram of Personality is a tool that details the fixated aspects of the individual and describes ontogentics, the development of the individual of the species. Pairing these two systems provides a map for the evolution of individuals through levels of consciousness. Through properly comprehending and applying these two systems, we can develop deep compassion and understanding for our fellow human beings and can be more effective in all endeavors (Ooten, Unpublished). from http://www.consciousdynamicsllc.com/home/levels_of_consciousness.html

I finally recovered from my illness. It was probably Covid. I had all the symptoms. Even though I felt dramatic and expressive in pondering the possibility of my death. I don’t really feel foolish now that I’m back to enjoying good health. I enjoy most of Leo’s lectures but I don’t agree with everything he says. Especially when it comes to our existence after the body konks out. Whether it’s 5 years from now or 20 years. I hope that I’ll actually be anticipating the occasion with at least some sincere curiosity instead of fear or dread. You don’t usually see people approach their death filled with peace. Most of the time there is a definite amount of physical discomfort. Because I never had children and a family I was able to go into part time retirement at about 50 years old. It’s usually the last thing that people really want to think about but I feel that seriously contemplating our inevitable death is a worthy endeavor. Being prepared for the death of my body is my top priority. One of my concerns is the scattered quality of my attention and consciousness when I’m in the dream world. I would feel a little more secure if I had some more lucid dreaming experiences under my belt before I make the transition. People are so resistant to thinking about their inevitable death. We’re all going to die and it’s just too easy to mix in imagination and fanciful bullshit on the subject of the afterlife. I’ve just not had whatever experience that others have had which translates into confidence concerning one’s experience after death of the body. I know one thing for certain. I don’t want a visitation at the funeral home before or a traditional funeral service either. Just let the crematorium make ashes out of my body. Maybe if some of my old friends and family members felt like getting drunk and burning my body up in a brush plié on the ranch. That would do. There’s always dead tree’s here and there scattered over the ranch that requires a fire anyway. I think that would be great. It would be similar to an Irish wake,,,

It almost looks as if I were a sadist. That’s not the case though. Although having gone through a lot of suffering doesn’t guarantee a certain outcome. I guess it’s more past tense. Sometimes having gone through a tremendous amount of suffering makes a person have that inner beauty. I know that’s not always the case. Sometimes suffering just makes a person more angry or mean spirited. Taking alchemy as it’s viewed by some. Going through the alchemical heat or stage in one’s life the philosopher’s stone is found. Or the pearl beyond price is found,,,, Integration and individuation takes place. Presence or Being replaces personality.

I love introverts I love people who are physically hurting. I wuv people who misspeak and get embarrassed chocolate ice cream whoever the underdog is people who admit their shortcomings I love the understanding that brings clarity and peace

Good documentary on Chogyam Trungpa. Run out of his home country Tibet by the Chinese. Eventually ended up in U.S. where he founded Naropa university in Bolder Colorado in the mid 1970’s. Had sex with students. Stayed drunk and high most of the time. Go figure ?‍♂️?‍♂️Paradoxical character,,,,, He authored this spiritual classic. I highly recommend it.

@Wisebaxter Please pardon my tardy response. My mood has not moved far from apathy the last few days. The sickness I've had has not let go. Looking at the symptoms. I'm fairly sure it's Covid. This morning I felt good enough to go outside and do some strenuous physical labor. I wasn't as careful as I should have been and got a catch in my lower back,,,,, Oh well,, Sometimes having two problems are better than having just one. It might just be my twisted reasoning. A phrase I learned years ago of having "problems of comparable magnitude." I agree with your statement. I encountered that situation in my own life in the past. Through Self Inquiry I realized my own unnecessary suffering in the form of complaining. I still catch myself sometimes. I also think that unavoidable suffering does exist but if met with equanimity or conscious attention, It can be endured better than when it's a source of mechanical complaining. I still fairly often observe my own reactivity.

In the 1990’s my father transitioned his ever-present side business from hardwood sawmill to that of sawmill equipment manufacturing. During this time I painted a lot of the equipment and breathed way too many acrylic enamel paint fumes and thinner. I also took care of a couple of cow herds during this time. Besides smoking 2 pack of Camel light per day for around 15 years, I also sprayed a lot of herbicides. So it’s mostly my past which might catch up with me. I did quit smoking cigarettes in the year 2000. I let go of managing our family cattle ranch in 2017. There is quite a history of cancer and in my family. Kidney cancer and more prevalent, mouth and throat cancer. I’m pretty resilient physically but like I wrote previously in setting my hypothetical time of departure at 66 years old. It mostly was an attempt at sobriety concerning the longevity of my own life. I want to be ready when my time comes. I just awoke after sleeping 18 hours. I do feel better but I’m still a little weak. Thank you for your response and concern. Feel free to write me anytime,,,

Thank you Annie for wishing me well. That's appreciated. I see that attribute missing in a great deal of the population, Too many people are just interested in putting themselves above others no matter the cost of becoming asleep to their own conscience. I make no claims of purity or being good except for irreverent bullshit hyperbole I spout every now and then. My being is always in flux and I try to remember my Self (capital S or Higher Self) some would call it. As often as I can. I do feel quite a bit better this morning. With the covid pandemic and feeling so terrible. It just triggers that fear or possibility. My father passed on when he was 66 yrs old from kidney cancer. When he passed I just set that as my possible time of departure. He pushed himself in the extreme attempting his life aims. Though I haven't accomplished as much as he, we have much in common. I don't take care of myself, eat badly and have been exposed to carcinogens to an outrageous degree. In the number thereof and volume. Given the commonality of our genetics, me and my father. I placed my departure from this planet at 66 years old just to add some sobriety to my overall perspective instead of thinking I'm going to life forever. At almost 55, this gives me 11 years hypothetically and quite arbitrary too I suppose. I don't want to be caught off guard. When my day comes, I want to be ready for it. Maybe even enthusiastic for the oncoming event. Hope your day is good,,, David

@MuadDib @Myioko Thank you!

This is in the spirit of my previous post. I reserve the right to tell you that I love you. Maybe even with tear filled eyes thinking of how precious life is. Then in half an hour tell you what a son of a bitch you are. All of us are this way. We’re naturally multidimensional and not necessarily bipolar. Don’t worry about your self image. Just have your being. I try to observe my preachiness. It’s not meant that way. I trusted a fart earlier and shit on myself TMI I know. Not to mention gross. I know it sounds dramatic but It’s possible I may die sometime soon. I hope not. I keep it an aim to stay in contact with lightheartedness. Physical suffering makes it difficult.

I’ve had a flu like sickness overwhelm me. I lay here in bed with fever, chills and aches. It may be Covid. I don’t know. It seems like it takes a great effort to type anything out. I love you. This happens often whenever I’m in pain. I get weepy and tend to be overly expressive and emotional. But definitely not expressed loudly. I love you. Whoever I see or think about,,,,,, It’s probably awkward to read. For some anyway.

Interesting relevant commentary in Tami Simon’s interview with Ken Wilber. Differing levels of testosterone in men and women’s bodies and the affects of this relative to compulsive behaviors.