Zigzag Idiot

The discovery of Discoveries of the Salem which trials in scapegoating shaking pissing possum jawed ,,,, little ole me and the bullshit continues,,,,

The hurdles of ever changing moods,,,, Rome falls nine times an hour,,,, One of the best articles concerning our disjointed conscious states or as some have described it as one’s disrupted continuity of consciousness. If you’re reading a difficult book some have described it as following the red thread of meaning, The Problem of the Subtle Sybil Effect LAWS OF WISDOM by Ralph Losey The underlying reason the big questions are so difficult to answer is ultimately personal ñ we are swamped in a plethora of identities, most of them false. These false personas were imposed upon us from the outside by society and from the inside by our own muddled thinking. For most of us there is no single unified self, no uniform field of continuous consciousness. Our “common sense” notion to the contrary, that we are one person with a singular identity, is based on a false assumption. In the words of psychologist Charles Tart, Ph.D.: We just assume that a given person is relatively consistent with himself, that he constitutes one person with various characteristics, traits, and so on. Thus you call yourself by one name, with the implication that you are indeed one person even though you have a range of moods and feelings. …. we actually have many quite discrete subpersonalities, each of which calls itself “I” when it happens to be activated by appropriate environmental stimuli, but we have no unity of personality at all except in the sense that all the various subpersonalities are associated with the same physical body and name. (1) As Professor Tart and many others have found, by the time we become adults our identity is disjointed, fragmented, perhaps even fractal, like a “Julia Set.”(2) We have one series of identities and personalities inherited from our parents, fashioned to meet their expectations, or to rebel against them. There is another series of personalities acquired in the course of schooling, another while dating, another at work, another in a sport or hobby, etc. Close observation of yourself will reveal that you are different people at different times. There is precious little continuity between your different states of consciousness. When you are one person one moment, you have usually forgotten that you were a completely different person a few moments before, and will be yet another person later. You are consumed by the personality of the moment. The personalities are isolated from each other by barriers of unawareness. There are defenses or buffers between the many “I’s”. There is no underlying actor to play the part. No one who remembers and coordinates all of the roles. It’s as if a series of different people – acquaintances, not friends – took turns inhabiting the same body. We are one person when we first wake up, another person to our children, another to our spouse, another to our boss, etc. One “I” may make a promise, but the next “I” will not remember to keep it, or will not want to keep it. We live in a chaotic world where an endless series of things happen to us that do not fit together, do not make sense. Many important things seem to be the result of chance or luck. There is no conscious being there to see the “big picture” so that it can all make sense. There is no center, no empty hub uniting the many spokes of the wheel, the many fragments of self. The conscious states alternate unconnected by inner silence. It is like hearing foreign words or sentences without any underlying comprehension. The underlying being who comprehends and integrates is unconscious. The actor is asleep. The play goes on mechanically, uncomprehendingly. For such a one the “scientists” are correct, man is a machine and enlightenment is impossible, or merely a delusion, another fleeting role.,,,,,,, The rest of the article can be found in the link below. https://schoolofwisdom.com/laws-of-wisdom/the-problem-of-the-subtle-sybil-effect/

Don’t make unconditional Love a standard that you want to live up to as a station of consciousness. The vast majority of us are incapable of doing that and it actually becomes a stumbling block. Be open to experiencing it as a state of consciousness that shows up unexpectedly. Forget the idea of making love. Fully embody your lust. It’s more honest.

Chaos Theory and trivial math nerd philosophical questions. If I’m more open minded than usual. Does ambiguity in regards to my certainty increase or decrease? If I’m living near the Arctic circle and have an adjustable home mortgage rate. If I move below the equator. Does my mortgage rate go lower also or possibly lower at a tangential degree of angle?

Making entries into my journal is a way to remember myself. It is also a form of expressing from my subtle body and causal body perhaps,,, Resolving disparities can be a way of saying I’m taming my freak or please excuse me while I’m trying to integrate all of this bullshit in the midst of the collective ego while on this painfactory of a planet. To be continued later perhaps maybe I dunno,,,

What I write is just a hodgepodge of my inner world. Not really biographical but more of a hyperbolic release of random thoughts, viewpoints concerning ideas and concepts philosophical, psychological, or having to do with actualizing as a human being. Added also is bullshit and stuff in general. That should cover about everything,,,, I'm sharing an email Emerald sent out to those on her mailing list. I like the way she makes a point about how repression plays an ongoing active element in maintaining the shadow material. When I speak about integrating the Shadow on my channel, I frequently get questions about what it actually means to INTEGRATE the Shadow. In my videos, I often speak about the Shadow being like a dark closet where we put all the parts of the personality that we don't want to face with. With the dark closet analogy in mind, it illustrates that the Shadow is more like a dark "place" within the psyche where we store the rejected aspects of ourselves in order to make ourselves unaware of them. It's important to note that the aspects of the personality that end up in the dark closet (the "place") that is the Shadow are NOT the Shadow itself. They are the contents of the Shadow. Just like the 'dark closet' and the 'contents of the dark closet' are two different things... the 'Shadow' and the 'contents of the Shadow' are also two different things. So, we're not ACTUALLY aiming to "Integrate the Shadow"... We're aiming to Integrate the CONTENTS of the Shadow, which are all the parts of the self that we've shoved into that dark closet of the psyche. Now, to truly understand Integration, you must first understand what Repression is. REPRESSION is the opposite of INTEGRATION. Repression is the process we use to push parts of the personality into the dark closet of the Shadow in order to forget about them. Integration is the process we use to allow those parts of the personality back out of the Shadow and into our conscious awareness to re-remember them. Notice that both of these are processes. One mistake that is frequently made in thinking about Repression is thinking that it's a one-time thing where we just Repress something once and it just stays Repressed. The reality is that Repression is an ongoing process that must CONSTANTLY be maintained to keep the contents of the Shadow... in the Shadow. Repression requires a lot of effort! The aspects of the personality that we Repress away into the dark closet of the Shadow are NOT like inanimate objects that will just stay there. Your Shadow contents are just as alive as you are... because the ARE you. And they are ALWAYS trying their hardest to be reintegrated into your conscious awareness! And so, when you put those parts of yourself in the dark closet of the Shadow, they will CONSTANTLY be trying to escape and to reintegrate. And likewise, in order to keep them repressed, you will have to apply CONSTANT EFFORT (that's usually unconscious) to maintain their captivity in the dark closet of the Shadow. Repression is an additive process that we must constantly engage in to maintain our Repressions. Integration is a a subtractive process... where we unwire and let go of our Repression Processes. The tricky thing when it comes to letting go of our Repressions is that they are things we're doing as part of our normal behaviors. Repressions are thought process, mindsets, behaviors, and feeling states that are seamlessly woven into our mundane activity that are designed to keep us distracted and resistant to the Shadow's contents. And they are usually VERY difficult to spot. So our Repression Process is like a dam that must consistently be built up in order to not break. And Integration is what happens when the dam finally breaks and the water naturally seeks its level. Once we dissolve our mental and emotional Repression Processes, we can allow the aspects of our personality that are held captive in the dark closet of the Shadow to escape into the light of consciousness. But one caveat I'll give here is that, there is always a reason why we repress aspects of the personality. So, every Repression Process that we have is rooted in the ancient wisdom of the mind/body complex. And we (as the conscious aspect of ourselves) must respect that deep wisdom... and find ways to resolve the issues that cause us to engage in our Repression Processes. Have a great day! Emerald P.S. If you would like to have help with spotting these patterns and repression mechanisms, you might enrolling in my (1-on-1) 13 Week Shadow Integration Program. In this program, I act as a coach and consciousness work facilitator to help you become more aware of your unconscious patterns. This can help you notice stumbling blocks that are standing in the way of your goals in your career, relationships, lifestyle, and life in general.

I took a friend to a Doctors appointment away in a neighboring city. While waiting on them I stopped at a Little Caesar’s and got some crazy bread. I feel like I’m on the verge of going bananas. It's a little different than going bat shit dookie do crazy or berserker crazy. Maybe middle of the road low on the crazy scale. Pleasurable on the inside yet deadpan in appearance.

Advice given to Gurdjieff from his Grandmother. From Beelzebub's Tales to His Grandson. “Eldest of my grandsons! Listen and always remember my strict injunction to you: In life never do as others do.” Having said this, she gazed at the bridge of my nose and evidently noticing my perplexity and my obscure understanding of what she had said, added somewhat angrily and imposingly: “Either do nothing—just go to school—or do something nobody else does.” I interpret this simply as- do your own thinking and not follow the group think of the collective ego.

I play this whenever I find myself in the throes of self pity.

Take everything here with a grain of salt,

I don’t drink so I’ll eat the bread instead of letting it go to waste.

I don’t know whether to shit or wind my watch or to take a flying fuck in a rolling donut. This is at the present moment. I’m misunderstood by people I care about.

Gurdjieff wrote about the transalpanian perturbation that coincides with the Younger dryas event that is now being referred to in today’s archeological findings. Gurdjieff wrote that that the Atlantean civilization was basically destroyed by the transalpanian perturbation but that a number of these beings were able to make it to mid Africa and eventually to Egypt where they oversaw the construction of the sphinx and other megalithic monuments. After the last of that tribe died out the Egyptians reverted back to being a bunch of complete dumb-asses again having lost the ones that were good influences. Read all about this in Beelzebub’s Tales to his Grandson if you’re masochistic enough to attempt reading the damn thing. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Younger_Dryas This song always reminded me of Joe Pesci asking if anyone wanted a leg or a wing in the movie Goodfellas. It was something like that,,, Becky Ann was an astral being who was floating above my bed one night with her uncle named Carl James Parker. It disturbed the hell out of me when I observed them literally eating the flesh off each other’s face and gradually disappearing. As they were eating I asked if I could maybe have a leg to chew on. I had had experiences with Becky Ann in the past as an astral being and also Carl James who I didn’t really care for. My irreverent request was received with a burst of howling laughter. It was indicated that Becky Ann , a 24 year old with Dwarfism and had died from mouth cancer in the fairly recent past. She constantly lied to me though also. Once saying that she was somewhere in a hospital on life support and in a coma. She once scolded me and told me to never take a vow about anything unless I was absolutely sincere about doing so. She was so sweet and also funny. My eyes tear up now thinking of her. I’m sure this story will really bolster my credibility,,,,

It is simple then becomes complicated Understanding happens when it becomes simple again Goddamn I’ve always hated most of Donovan’s music and here I am posting this cringy song. I had the very real experience of the -simple - complicated - simple- process of understanding as an adolescent. It was a realization.

If something is self evident. It speaks for itself most clearly when neurosis and stuff are not included. This is the nature of Being. The activity of the mind distorts the simple experience of being or non-conceptual awareness. Irreverence can be included to make understanding more difficult only to make the difficulty less so because of the light heartedness added to the mixture, Similar to the aggravated chicken pecker syndrome which I've written about in the past to that of scapegoating present in our world today is spoken of below in this YouTube podcast.

I am a passionate deadpan man. Beware: Infatuation is an elixir. It’s wonderful intoxication leads to an Institution called marriage. Who wants to live in an institution? And one that is also of patriarchical dominance. Be careful. Have fun!

Addiction and shaking hands with the Devil Sounds dramatic. It is and it's not. I interact in my day to day world with people who are straight laced and square yet their emotional volatility can be intimidating while their opinions are close minded and sometimes harsh. I allowed myself to become a habitual user of methamphetamine and find myself looked down upon by the materialist and conventional minded. Years ago I would have viewed someone like myself as so full of self deception that my judgements would have gave them near zero credibility. The intensity of sensation from methamphetamine intravenously injected is nearly beyond description. This statement could be seen as glorification. The other side of the coin is a reduced level of mental acuity and physical coordination as well as an increase in clumsiness. this increases with degree of use. Methamphetamine users are about on the lowest rung of the ladder. Heroin users look down their noses at meth-heads,,,,, but that's not really an across the board accurate statement. I really didn't want to give this confession for a number of reasons. It's going to cost me in terms of credibility. But looking at it in those kind of terms I find myself shaking hands with the Devil{ego/self image} concerned with looking good by the collective ego and it's approval. I have experiences to discuss that concern drug induced schizophrenic psychosis. I do not recommend that others experiment with this drug. Unlike psychedelics, methamphetamine is a highly addictive narcotic. A friend and fellow addict who grew up in foster care. Someone I met when I first started using made a distinction. He said "I'm not just an addict. I'm a dope fiend and that's someone who will steal from others in order to support my addiction". There's a story I may continue here later if I can do so without betraying a certain kind of trust or causing harm among a few individuals who I consider friends but have caused me some distress. There are a couple of Actualized forum members that I outed myself to in the past about my habit in order to hold to some semblance of being authentic. I appreciate that they allowed me this trust without making me feeling judged. Can someone like me even be taken serious as an someone working on actualization of Being/Presence. I realize it's not often put that way. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-actualization https://www.diamondapproach.org/glossary/refinery_phrases/actualization I wish everyone well,,,,

I’ve shared this before on other threads. I do so again because it relates so much to the current conversation.

Seeking out a mate is instinctive and socially driven naturally creating a competition among us. It also seems the norm that the collective ego sets the rules and runs the show. Especially for all worldviews in the Spiral Dynamics first tier. For those with no understanding of Spiral Dynamics may make much of what I opine on make little sense or create understanding. That in itself sounds like an arrogant statement. My statements made above may have also sounded self congratulatory or for others somewhat cringeworthy. For the most part you're right about masturbation being perceived as a failure. For a good number of folks it's definitely not something to discuss openly. Imo, guilt and shame from far back into our history spread by dogmatic religions. The early Roman government responsible for much of it. They incorporated many pagan ideas and holidays into the make-up of early Christianity. Also the Council of Nicea with all of its contributions, interpretations and editing of the Bible. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/First_Council_of_Nicaea I see little difference between Fundamentalist Muslims and fundamentalist Christians. This applies as well with some sects of Hinduism and Buddhism. Maybe Pure land Buddhism,,,,? Contemplative Christianity, Zen and maybe Tibetan Buddhism, and Sufism I view differently, I'm really ignorant of so many sects of different religions and philosophies. How I've condensed my views here has also extremely simplified and left out more than was said probably. I don't mean to pick on Catholicism but it's pretty plainly documented that it's influence on Christianity had more interest in how to manipulate, influence and control populations under it's control. I recommend https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/223887.The_Jesus_Mysteries for those interested. How to control people? Divide them against themselves with shame and guilt. They take an instinctive biological function and create badness around it. Masturbation can appear rather earthy and crude and something not to be displayed in public. In my understanding porn did more to grow the internet than anything else. https://www.quora.com/How-has-pornography-driven-the-development-and-utilization-of-the-Internet That says a lot in how oversexed we are as a species. The earth is becoming overpopulated anyhow. Not everyone is meant to have children. Philosopher Arnold Keyserling in a talk once referred to his penis as "that toy I have down here between my legs that God gave me". This quote from memory so it may be more of a paraphrasing. In many cultures and social circles I fall into the category of being a complete loser. I don't rely on my Culture for approval. This statement should counter anything I have expressed as being boastful. Although by some there might be an interpretation of some kind of spiritual egotism. To be honest I still observe myself displaying a bit of spiritual egotism at times. It was much more pronounced 20 years ago. This may seem offensive to many but being a Zen Devil (having spiritual egotism) is just a part of attaining any kind of ,,, I'll say "waking up" to higher levels of consciousness and understanding. I try to self observe with brutal honesty and sit with the uncomfortableness that may be there. Leo's 3 part series on self deception is gold. The way out of all these dilemmas? Actualization! Which to me includes the huge categories of psychological integration and individuation to discount the notion of guilt and replace it with the experience of remorse for whenever we violate our own awakened conscience. I can be really opinioned but try to remain open to new ways of understanding. I often have trouble book marking. Below I'm pasting a recent post from my journal on my understanding of conscience. Acquired conscience vs. Awakened conscience I'm full of bullshit sometimes and I'm okay with that. Because it doesn't matter, If I wasn't okay with my periodic bullshit ways. I would be divided against myself. I try not to dismiss or justify my errors but sometimes I probably do. When I err and it causes someone else offence or hardship I try to sit with it and cook. Remorse of conscience informs me and does so properly. The self sustained stain of guilt is a perpetual vicious circle. It's a worthless burden put on mankind by dogmatic religions. It's my experience that guilt blocks the awakening of conscience. So self forgiveness is a necessity and also to see what you don't like in others is also within oneself most often. When it's noticed. Everything is cancelled out. To borrow a line from Rob Brezney. "My morality is always on the verge of collapsing". My automaton or animal is an absolute slut. Guilt is often mixed with acquired conscience. Acquired conscience changes over time and is different between different cultures. This is our conditioning and super ego. Our internalized critic that doesn't come from our inner self but rather an auto-pilot critic from childhood conditioning. We should show kindness towards our elders because even though they had a hand in our conditioning; they've carried this burden longer than us younger folk. Awakened conscience is different and is the same in all awakened people. The 'language of the smile' is a cousin to awakened conscience. Awakened conscience is the intelligence of the Cosmos. It's the golden rule. Do unto others as you would want to be treated. We're all fools and a variety of them as well. A ship of fools is my so called "I". Make yourself vulnerable and Insecure people will mock you sometimes. This can grow you. Forgive yourself as needed. If anyone does you wrong and makes you angry. Forgive them so you won't hate yourself. Over and out. See you later alligator,,,

Personally I found out that quickies completely deplete my energy. This was years ago when I would also experience a heat energy rise from the base of my spine when sex was or masturbation was prolonged. I called them energy orgasms . Taking the longview ? and staying on the edge for a long period of time completely changed the picture. Reaching actual orgasm in a hurried way was a practice I abandoned and afterwards I found myself with an increase in chi energy. This I found to be the case with just masturbation or sex with a girlfriend. No post coital depression. No guilt. Also for me the discovery of how emotional negativity destroys sex energy. Lighthearted moods enhances the energy. This phenomenon is spoken of in the Fourth Way (esoteric Christianity) which I’ve studied. It took a long time of observing myself to really see the guilt and shame that was subtle yet deeply embedded by conditioning from religion and the collective ego.