Zigzag Idiot

@Anna1 I hate that misunderstanding like that would happen. But I see what you mean. Sorry, I had spent an hour wording my message and ignoring everything else. I just sent you a private message that would shed light on all of it. If it would help or not.,,,

While this is still editable I want to declare that this was in no way was aimed at Anna. It was just bad timing or poor judgement on my part in not seeing how it might look. My intention was to make all sincere women (and men) here in the forum more comfortable about having dialogue with me. That is, if we shared any interests and they wanted to make a comment or question here. I was just being upfront about that part of my life. Edit above 4:24 am January 5th. I'm going to post this and log off and be back in a few hours. We all flirt somewhat in different ways so I'm going to throw this out here to maybe prevent some misunderstandings. Relationship-wise I'm not much of a catch. But I'm not really looking for a monogamous relationship or seeking out sex either. I have two girlfriends who don't get along. I was in monogamous relationship with both of them in the past. Not at the same time. I live alone and kinda prefer it that way. If I met a woman who I was really attracted to, I would probably have sex if she felt the same way. I wouldn't hide this from my 2 other intimate friends if the subject came up. I'm not interested in married women that way unless she were in an open marriage. I'm not interested in having sex with couples either unless it was two bisexual women. I think most guys are this way but it's not something I'm in search of. But if two beautiful bisexual women who were independently wealthy and owned a home in the Rockies somewhere, preferably next to a ski resort. That would be ok. When I visited I would even shovel snow or mow the yard. That kind of stuff,,, Any woman, whether they were married or not, who are interested in working on themselves psychologically and spiritually should feel at ease in making contact with me if they want to engage in dialogue and not worry about me having ulterior motives. I've probably forgot something but If I think of anything else, I'll ad it later. ?

Me too @Anna1 It's a powerful movie. IMO, Debra Winger's portrayal of her character made that movie what it was. I also really enjoyed it's sequel The Evening Star.

These are clips from movies based on books written by one of my favorite Authors Larry McMurtry. He was also involved in some of the screen production of these movies. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Larry_McMurtry

@modmyth I recognize/remember this song. I like her. The other day somewhere you posted her singing Not Fair. It opens with Porter Wagoneer introducing her. I totally bought it thinking she was really from that far in the past. Also thinking, damn that was risky for the Porter Wagoner show which I sometimes watched as a kid only because I was completely bored and there was something worse on the one other tv channel we got living out in the country. The Porter Wagoner show really sucked. Lol I'm tickled that I bought into it until a few minutes ago. I'm such an airhead.

Random alarm clock.

This post won't interest most of you so unless you are truly interested in my summary of Chapter 38 of Beelzebub's Tales To His Grandson you might want to not get started on it. Just wanted to give fair warning. This is a summary I wrote last year on chapter 38 of Beelzebub's Tales To His Grandson. I found myself adopting Gurdjieffs style of long sentences as I wrote these summaries which in good faith also serves to just make it more difficult which is very much in the Gurdjieffian spirit. But ironically makes comprehension by sincere seekers more readily available since It's putting in the difficult after the simple in order to return to a deeper simple. Summary Chapter 38 Owing to the crystallized consequences of the organ Kundabuffer, OUR ALL LOVING CREATOR will sometimes actualize in the presence of certain individuals the germ of a sacred individual, whom upon maturing in the abnormal conditions on this planet may have the possibility of being able to communicate and possibly begin to liberate humankind from the pernicious effects of their own imaginations perpetuated often by their vested interests. The beginnings of these vested interests occur when after the death of the planetary body of these sacred Individuals, a collection of their teachings are made for the benefit of the following generations which then become the focal point of these Havaternoni or religions. Owing to the thoroughness of the of the crystallized properties of the organ Kundabuffer, which originally served as a necessary opiate for the masses to correct on unfortunate cosmic malfunction. Individuals with Hasnamussian properties, whom are often power possessing beings, commandeer and distort the religions for their own egoistic aims and in so doing, create doubly over, an opiate of the masses, which then divides humans against themselves. This results in a further deterioration of their awareness and being. In that the beings of earth have variations in their natures as well as their stifled essences, a variation of sacred Individuals have been needed according to geographical locations for the differing three brained beings. The result of which on earth is the remnants of five religions. 1 - The Buddhistic 2 - The Hebrew 3 - The Christian 4 - The Mohammedan 5 - The Lamaist The Buddhistic is practiced in India, China and Japan, we have already discussed about some and how they went off track with Suffering in solitude. The Hebrew religion founded by Saint Moses who was actualized in the body of a boy born in Egypt, accomplished a great deal in offering ways and practices in undoing the maleficent consequences of the organ Kundabuffer. Unfortunately, the fantastic ‘religious doctrine’ invented by the distant past and subsequent Saint King Konuzion as drastic measure to save his subjects from the addiction of chewing poppy seeds, was quickly mixed into these teachings which thoroughly corrupted them. This was also the case in the Middle Ages concerning the teachings of Divine Teacher Jesus Christ in which the dualistic notions of good and bad, paradise and hell were injected into the Christian Teachings for the organization and consolidating of ‘Religion-for-the-State-or-the-State-for-Religion’. In doing so, the power of the All-loving and All-forgivingness of our CREATOR as put forward by the Divine Teacher Jesus Christ is now taught to be a capricious and vengeful God who renders judgements and condemnations for three brained beings to suffer miserably in an eternal hell if they break the rules, which are continually changed as needed according to the times, by church elders. Although a small group called the Essenes, who applied the teachings of Jesus Christ upon themselves, managed to preserve these original teachings which enabled them to be carried through history to the present day. The full-of-hope Saint Mohammed actualized about 500 years after Jesus Christ among the, as they are called, Arabs. The followers of Saint Mohammed gradually mixed in dualistic notions from the Babylonian epoch while the ‘elders of the church’ of this religion, called in this case, Sheiks-Islamists, introduced as well their own far fetched malarkey about the afterlife ‘paradise’. There are two basic schools of the Mohammedan religion called the Sunnite and the Shiite, among which, are many sects. The hatred of these two groups, within this religion of love, works out well for the “Christians”, whose authentic original teachings, also based on love and charity, can proceed in daylight to continually rob the Arabs of their natural resources while they are preoccupied with their fighting and organic hatred for one another. ‘Ksvaznell’ or ‘inciting one against the other also assures that Europe stays out of the crosshairs. This two-faced tactic was also used by the Europeans in India as well. The Dervish sect which were most prominent in Turkey were to the Islamists what the Essenes were to the Christian in that they were a minority sect who truly understood the teaching which enabled an awareness to help the possibility for it to be carried down through history. Long before Saint Mohammed and the Divine Jesus Christ came Moses. It was the good fortune for the beings of an enslaved tribe in Egypt in having the subsequent Saint Moses actualize in the body of a boy in their tribe. After attaining their meandering freedom and in living out the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, the beings of the Hebrew community became the recipients of envy. The result of the crystallized consequences of the organ Kundabuffer, envy becomes organic envy which in time becomes organic hate. This being a part of the reason why this group has become spread over the earth after Jesus Christ was actualized from among the descendants of this tribe. In early Christianity, nearly one third of the earth's population followed the primordial form of Christian teachings. When these teachings were distorted with dualistic ideas by power possessing beings during the Crusades, the only alternative they were given was to be tortured to death. So fervent were they in securing Jerusalem solely for Christianity that nearly half of the males of that continent were destroyed. Yet today there is now a University for Jewish youth. “Although the present generation of ‘Jews’ are not direct enemies of Jesus Christ, yet they each also now have the conviction that this Jesus who appeared among their ancestors and came to be regarded as a sacred Being by all the followers of the Christian religion, was, quite simply, a fervent and sick ‘visionary.’ That a University for Jewish youths was opening in the city of Jerusalem, made it clear to Beelzebub that this Christian religion also had already come to an end. The full-of-faith Saint Lama appeared among the beings dwelling in Tibet. In that the location was so remote and the terrain so rugged, the followers of the teachings of the full-of-faith, Sacred Individual Saint Lama enjoyed a long peaceful period to practice their teachings. In the unfolding of events, a group of seven beings was formed long before Saint Lama appeared on earth. While still in India before the migration to their eventual isolated destination, this group of seven received initiation and instruction from Saint Krishnatkharna, a messenger sent by our Endlessness. When afterwards Saint Buddha appeared there, he incorporated the teachings of Saint Krishnatkharna into his own for help in dealing with the crystallized consequences of the organ Kundabuffer. When Saint Lama then later appeared among them in Tibet, he also absorbed the teachings of Saint Krishnatkharna and Saint Buddha into his own in which the group of seven saw that these adjustments corresponded even better with the psyche of the contemporary beings there. After the European beings had carried out their reciprocal destruction in India and then established themselves along with their caste system, it was then that they set their sights on Tibet. In this Anglo-Tibetan war, in which the beings of Tibet could have easily defended their country because of its natural inaccessibility. Yet, as the Aggressors approached and some of the Tibetans became quite alarmed, they nonetheless listened to the head of the group of seven because of their love and respect for him. When the chief of these seven began a journey through Tibet to inform others of the need to be nonviolent and passive toward these invaders, he was killed on the spot from his body being punctured by a rifle bullet when passing close by to a group of the invaders. “Among the beings of this small group of seven there existed a rule, which, by the way, they remained true to. In accordance with certain secret instructions of Saint Lama concerning the beings of their group they were transmitted from generation to generation through their chief alone, and he could initiate into these secrets the other six, only after certain attainments on their part. “That is just why all the six members of this small organization, all of whom had already merited and were ready to be accepted for initiation in the near future, were so horrified, when they learned about the destruction of their chief. With the destruction of this, at that time, sole initiate, there was lost to them forever the possibility of becoming initiated into these secret instructions of Saint Lama. In their desperation, the remaining six initiates decided to communicate through a metaphysical process called sacred Almznoshinoo with their disembodied chief. Although the remaining six beings through work on themselves had attained the perfecting of their higher Being parts to the degree required for carrying out the process of sacred Almznoshinoo, they also knew because of a lack of preparation with their chief while he was still in his planetary body and also a gap in their knowledge concerning this process, that they would be feeling their way in the dark. As it turned out, luck was not on their side. For three days and nights they continuously worked in two’s at the inpouring of their own hambledzoin towards their chief. Because of a lack of preliminary preparation in connection with his body Kesdjan, their Hambledzoin only accumulated chaotically over the lifeless body. Unfortunately for them during this time, the local atmosphere was destabilized with violent thunderstorms which when combined with their scared energetic process, an explosion resulted which destroyed all six beings as well as all their ancient manuscripts. In regards to what is referred to as the last supper in Christianity, a great misunderstanding has been perpetuated. In actuality, the preparation for the great sacrament Almznoshinoo on on the body Kesdjan of the Sacred Individual Jesus Christ is in reality what really took place so that further communication could occur after the scapegoating and crucifixion of Saint Jesus Christ which fixed as an example from that time on the possible depravity of three brained beings in spiritual sleep. In addition, instead of being a traitor, Judas made it possible with a self sacrificing act in delaying the Arrest of the Divine teacher Jesus Christ, so that these preparations could be carried out. Because of the continual degeneration of being-mentation over the last twenty centuries, contemporary three brained beings are for the most part only able to interpret religious teachings in a literal way. Where in previous times, the capacity for abstract thought in relation to understanding concepts through use of allegory and metaphor had yet to atrophy. Given that there still exists some degree of being-mentation though, the fantastic notions inserted into the Christian teachings almost from the very beginning now result in doubt about it all and generally destroy credibility concerning the teaching as a whole or the notion that there does exist an authentic teaching. For instance, when it is taught that the resurrected physical body of Saint Jesus Christ after a time and when he saw fit, commenced to leave the earth by floating vertically into the atmosphere towards a place called Heaven or that he could have a close Disciple capable of what was suggested without having a clue that this devotee and intimate friend would have this capacity for treachery in him without detecting it. The tunnel vision and small frame of reference induced by fear prevent most of the contemporary followers of this Christian religion from seriously questioning and researching where Jesus was from the age of 12 to 28. End of summary. A part of the same group I read with last year has reformed for another rereading of Beelzebub's Tales. I'm not going to participate but if anyone is interested just private message me and I'll put you in contact with the group. This is primarily a group of Christian Contemplatives.

Quit Smoking Sep 10 [107 day streak]; ??‍♂️✌️

Dreams I remember Dennis Miller in a Comedy routine maybe around 25 years ago saying that there is nothing more boring than listening to someone tell about a dream they had. It stuck with me maybe because there is some truth to it. ? There is a phenomena that cannabis users don't seem to recall dreams or have as vivid of dreams as non smokers. I have found this to be the case in my life when I compare times when don't smoke to periods of life when I do. There is some interesting theory about why this is but I won't go into it here. Last night though I had a very vivid dream of a global apocalypse amidst new catastrophic super storms. I was moving around a lot in the Atlantic Ocean and just off the western coast of Europe having dealings with members of a fragmented US Navy on an Aircraft Carrier. Then there was Donald Trump whom I some negative dealings with at the end of the dream. Also in the dream was two different women from my past that I had crushes on. Cases of unrequited love. It was one of those long drawn out dreams in which which I carried out the details into waking Consciousness. Even though the content was somewhat disturbing, the dream really didn't upset me. It was more interesting than upsetting. On the subject of dreams. Maurice Nicoll had a very meaningful dream which he recorded in his Psychological Commentaries on the Work of Gurdjieff and Ouspensky. Set in the context of the Commentaries, his relating of it impacted me when I read it a few years ago. A DREAM OF NICOLL’S “I see someone teaching or drilling some recruits. That is all. At first sight there seems nothing marvelous. He smiles. He indicates some- how that he does not necessarily expect to get any results from what he is doing. He does not seem to mind. He does not show any signs of impatience when they are rude to him. The lesson is nearly over, but this will not make any difference to him. It is as if he said, ‘Well, this has to be done. One cannot expect much. One must give them help, though they don’t want it.’ It is his invulnerability that strikes me. He is not hurt or angered by their sneers or lack of discipline. He has some curious power but hardly uses it...He seemed purified from all violence. That was the secret. That was the source of the curious power I detected in him. A man without violence...From this glance I know better what going in a new direction is and what a new will purified from violence means. I know also that the possibilities of following this new will and new direction lie in every moment of one’s life.” V. 4, p. 1500 "It is his invulnerability that strikes me.- He has some curious power but hardly uses it...He seemed purified from all violence. That was the secret. That was the source of the curious power I detected in him. A man without violence..." Wow,,, Its profundity still gets me in relation to the idea of becoming emotionally purified manifesting in a new will as he calls it, as well as a source of curious power and invulnerability.

Thanks @Bill W I'm aware of Neville Goddard but have never read him. My favorite of the Bible verses you quoted. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 - Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (NIV) Reminds me of the idea in being a placeholder for others,,,,

I had a physical copy of Biology of Kundalini in mid 2000's when the phenomena was at a height for me. I didn't heed most of the good advice I read but clung and cherished to certain explanations in the book which gave me a degree of understanding and a resultant partial peace. An interesting quote from Ouspensky stated succinctly- OUSPENSKY’S DESCRIPTION OF A HIGHER STATE “In subsequent experiments the same sensation of the disappearance of ‘I’ began to produce in me a feeling of extraordinary calmness and confidence, which nothing can equal in our ordinary sensations. I seemed to understand at that time that all the usual troubles, cares and anxieties are connected with the usual sensation of ‘I’, result from it, and at the same time, constitute it and sustain it. Therefore, when ‘I’ disappeared, all troubles, cares and anxieties disappeared. When I felt that I did not exist, everything else became very simple and easy. At these moments I even regarded it as strange that we could take upon ourselves so terrible a responsibility as to bring ‘I’ into every- thing, and start from ‘I’ in everything. In the idea of ‘I’, in the sensa- tion of ‘I’, such as we ordinarily have, there was something almost abnormal, a kind of fantastic conceit which bordered on blasphemy, as if each one of us called himself God. I felt then that only God could call himself ‘I’, that only God was ‘I’.” V. 5, p. 1549

A couple of months ago I thought about making this Journal a part of my last Will and testament. That's on the condition that I keep making a Journal entries for a good while and Actualized.org stays online in the future. A link to my Journal won't amount to very much if the electrical grids around the world collapse in the next 50 years along with a large percentage of the human population. I would rather not be on this planet if that were to happen. No electricity would leave the world full of hungry, starving, and desperate people. A recipe for violence. I had typed the above into my browser last night but didn't enter it into my journal Been reading a little more in Jana Dixon's Biology of Kundalini today. Kundalini follows its own course through the body that is specific to each person, but it is definitely not a linear path "up" the body. Except during the conjunction experiences when enormous energy pours upwards through the body with the force of a concord. Since my awakenings I am adverse to saying that the lower plexuses (charkas) or centers open prior to the higher. In my experience they all open simultaneous to varying degrees. And since the linear body is all holographically represented in the brain, and it's activity in the brain that is expressed at various regions of the body, it is hard to say what is top and what is tail. Thus kundalini moving "upwards" is a misnoma--it doesn't start out at the base of the spine and eventually "reach the brain." It is happening in the brain from the start. Even the activation of the root chakra, and the tingling in the left foot is occurring in the brain. The brain is a hologram of the body and the body is represented holographically in the brain. The body and brain are nottwo. Whatever is going on in the body is simultaneously represented in the brain and vice versa. Kundalini cycles round and round, up and down, down and up and basically all over the chakra map. For example in childhood sexual development, there probably has to be a certain level of development of the prefrontal lobes before the genitals become energetically activated. The higher in-forms the lower. So say you want to work on opening your sex center, well you don't do this directly, you work on the solar plexus-(power) and heart-(love) centers. And if you want to evolve sex even further you work on the throat-(honesty), third eye-(psychic) and crown-(integrated whole) centers. Similarly if you want to open up the crown you need to simultaneously work on freeing the pelvis. There are the fundamentals and the panultimates but it's all basically just one flow of energy. Kink the hose at any point and you interrupt the flow to all parts. We cannot divide and distinguish the difference in bodymind, subtle and causal effects because they are part of the same thing. However there are grosser autonomic body reactions such as panic states, grounding, heart expansions, heat, tingles etc...and then there are the subjective experiences such as illumination, devotion, insight, telepathy, precognition, visions, profound dreams, eurekas etc.. There are lower periods say during a die-off where voices may occur without higher-spiritual content (hallucination), and other periods where the energy is cycling much higher in which the voices have something profound to say (illumination). Kundalini flows in different episodes; sometimes panic will force exercise and breathing, sometimes bliss and grounding will force lying down. If we understand the forces at play with the various autonomic (sympathetic/parasympathetic) responses we are not confused, resistant or fearful over what is happening. With an informed perspective we know beforehand that if we are down, we are going to go up, and if we are up we are going to go down. We know how to work-with the on/off switches, to not to suppress either, but to raise the energy of each into a healthy conscious embrace of whatever is happening now. The Perspective of Whole-Seeing--The key to mastery of kundalini is that when the bliss is acute it is imperative to draw energy up the spine or otherwise we find ourselves trying to run from it and push it away. If we wimp out and try to resist the bliss and energy rather than embrace it, then this will lead to inevitable compulsivity, addiction and regression. The radical amplification of normal sensory and emotional perception and of consciousness itself will inevitably draw us into fixation with whatever part of the hyperbolic curve of experience we might be on at the time. However there is a vantage point from which Whole-Seeing is made possible. From the Mind's Eye we can view the changing phenomena of kundalini without being carried away by it. The Mind's Eye is the connective current between the brainstem and the third eye. We obtain the seat of the Mind's Eye by the felt-sense of pulling energy up the body and into this inner connection in the head. This along with deep breathing, helps to keep our experience of kundalini conscious rather than being seduced by its ecstatic fires into a narcotic sleep. I also must relate the importance of the solar plexus in keeping the balance between the two sides of the nervous system. We can prevent morbid overextension of both the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems by conscious breathing into the largest plexus of the body--the solar plexus. If we find ourselves in either a high or a slump, then long walks while focusing on solar plexus breathing will help to integrate and balance the energy. This continues to be important for years after an awakening as an aid to integration and establishment of the spiritual will. Otherwise we may go through the entire ordeal of an awakening for no benefit to ourselves or others and actually be worse off than we were before. The Solar Plexus responds instantaneously to the brain. Every minute contraction and expansion of the solar-center of Life is in obedience to the brain. The Solar Plexus lies exactly behind the pit of the stomach. It may be energized by practicing a "drawing in" of the abdominal muscles. Draw the abdominal muscles "inward and upward" several times at each exercise. The closest parallel in normal human experience to mystic ecstasy of kundalini activation is sex sensations. One could look at the spiral of the growth in consciousness in terms of sex energy and its use, and see the pathological, conservative, post conservative and enlightened uses of sex energy. The body is a template of our conscious-proactive-love-Self-expansion VS. our unconscious-reactive-fear-Narcissus-contraction. Looking at the body we can see where we are at in our relationship to Self and our relationship to the world, for the body doesn’t lie. From: http://biologyofkundalini.com/article.php@story=DownisUp.html

@ZenDancer I appreciate your perspective. Glad that you're with us. ? ?

@mandyjw I love that signature line. ? Just noticed it. I enjoy your YouTubes and encourage you to follow your dream. You have an honest presence on the Camera. There is a need for that in this world which is echoed by Jana Dixon in this excerpt I ran across earlier this evening. ,,,,,,,,,,,"Rick Jarow in his audiotapes Your Life's Work said that we don't know how to deal with shadow yet, and it might be centuries before we do. Perhaps this dealing with shadow is at the very heart of the whole suffering (non-enlightenment) issue. Of course dealing with shadow is suffering also, but there should be a skillful way to work with shadow that doesn't just automatically generate more. We could give a gross generalization and say that the say that the way to deal with shadow is through unconditional love...but do we actually personally see unconditional love in action around us, or felt the pure expression of it much? In the absence of enlightened love (which is the goal we are striving for in our shadow work), we must build an effective technology for incorporating shadow--and thus raise our consciousness in doing so. If we come from the vantage point that God is All--both dark and light we have to accept that what we interpret as darkness is just as wholesome and useful as the that we consider to be raspberries and cream...because both can be used in the service of greater consciousness, love and achievement. Both show us what needs to be done and which way to go. If we can accept the wholeness of Life, we do not have to expend huge amounts of energy repressing and avoiding one half of all phenomena. With a modicum of nonduality we can stop reacting to, running from and doing wasteful battle with the darker side of the light.",,,,,,,,,, From : http://biologyofkundalini.com/article.php@story=ShadowSabotageandSacrifice.html Also enjoyed similar sentiments from Alan Watts today as well.

Busting up Neural Networks When I was about 9 - 10 years old I discovered the best snow sled ever. An old partial sheet of countertop Formica I found in the barn slid easily 3 times faster than store bought sleds or an inner tube when you put the slick side down. It worked great even on a thin sheet of sleet or snow. It couldn't be steered though. I think I attached some hay string to one corner. That allowed me to flare up one corner that I would sit behind and sail off a steep hill. On one occasion I didn't consider a group of horses at the bottom of the hill. Before they knew it I was right on them. I didn't consider rolling off the piece of Formica. Instead I sled right into the middle of them and being scared one of them kicked me in the forehead. I was only unconscious for a couple of minutes my childhood friend Greg said. My right eyebrow sat on top of a huge goose egg as they rushed me to the hospital. After an X-ray and a brief examination they sent me back home. I've had a lot of head injuries in my life. George Carlin said sometimes a little brain damage can help. I think there might be something to it. While my father had cancer he had a heart attack. This was about a year and a 1/2 before the Cancer got him. His heart blockage was so bad the Doctor told him he had partially grown his own bypass!! But it wasn't enough to offset the pace he lived life. I think about this in regard to making new neuronal networks. By necessity his heart tried growing its own bypass. I haven't researched it but the Heart Surgeon at the time said he had seen the phenomena before. Ive been a fan of Dr Joe Dispenza since that movie What The Bleep came out. I'm tempted to watch it again. For those who haven't seen it, he gives a good explanation about neuronal networks. I didn't pay much attention to Dr Joe for several years but lately I've been enjoying some of his YouTubes. Life goes by faster than you expect, the older you get. This was discussed between my uncle Bob and myself over the years. He was in an agoraphobic condition for a good part of his life.. Bob died a couple of years ago. Creative expression is sometimes nonsequitor. Abstract thinkers recognize one another.

I haven't had a bad mushroom trip since I've gotten back into psychedelics. As a teenager I had a couple of bad trips on lsd that left a lot of residual fear. I didn't try mushooms until a few months ago. I've tried mdma, nn dmt, 5 meo dmt, 2 CB and more. As a part of integration I need to come out of the closet as a daily Cannabis user. Graham Hancock, Terence McKenna among others have inspired me to be open about this. I smoked pot as a teenager and then quit it for about 15 years but started smoking it again to self medicate instead of taking Paxil. So to the industrial pharmaceutical complex and the Yahoo's still fighting the antiquated war on Cannabis - FUCK YOU! Well,,, God bless em, but fuck em. I take things too far quite often. An attribute of my Enneatype 6 personality. NN dmt is neat but I'm about through testing it as well as mdma. I've gotten to where I just love 5 meo dmt though. I've been vaporizing 20-25 mg through a dab bubbler. It's just amazing stuff. My first trip on lsd since re-entering psychedelics this last summer was kind of a shaky one. I took 1 tab @ about 100 ug. My next trip though I doubled down and took 2 tabs and it was a great experience. Before I knew it I was taking 500-600 ug pretty regular and noticed that I began to have a tolerance for it and so that demanded I back off some. One thing for sure is the fear I used to have about lsd is long gone.

Somewhat,,,,As Gurdjieff used the term Self Remembering. These occasions have revealed to me the stark difference between personality and Essence as well as the pervasiveness of identification with my ego/false personality at times, in part due to my conditioning. With these occasional states of Self Remembering I SEE things more as they truly are including where specific integration issues which are lacking.. I'm apprehensive of soley relying on these occasional instances for revealing the complete picture of all areas still in need of integration or maybe areas which are at the borderline of becoming integrated. Areas of deficient integration in life in which shawdows still persist but in which I have worked with internally and feel the dissolving light of healing has touched. These are the issues in which I feel more secure in revealing, to the world at large. And in doing so, I feel, the last threshold has been crossed into realm of the individuated person. But in areas in which I freeze up or shut down, for my own work, I feel it best to not reveal to the world. In part because of the tendency of those who completely lack integration often have the compulsion to bully through passive aggressive jabs. I've seen those who are considered 'good people' do this reather unconsciously which brings to mind Jesus's phrase 'forgive them for they know not what that do' In white water kayaking when the kayaker becomes what is called bombpoof in most turbulent of waters. This is when regardless of how bad the kayaker becomes flipped upside down they are able to flip back over rightsde and continue on. For me this is a good analogy for having a healthy degree of integration. Staying present and proactive in a scary situation until one is right side up and continuing with the flow. There is a lot more I feel I could go on about here concerning shadow work and integration. Excuse my late response. I began it last night around midnight and fell into a deep sleep for 14 hours! I very rarely do this. I took a heavy shroom trip yesterday which may have something to do with it.

I've been pondering on that imaginary line that gets crossed from green to yellow in Spiral Dynamics. From first tier to second tier. What are some distinctions here? How do we become different as we move into second tier? I no longer identify with narrative consciousness knowing I'm a ship of fools. In Witness Consciousness, the attention is divided between direct (predator) vision and the peripheral vision. Often when my heart center is open, it's like the pupils of my eyes begin to FEEL the world. The eyes see but also begin to feel the outer world. It has a remembering quality to it that is similar to smell. There is a recognition of - Oh! I was spiritually asleep again,,,, but now I am, as I was, once before. I think that this place on the Spiral is where we 'officially' become "twice borns". This move into second tier. Price of admission ticket is death-- ego death which manifests in a myriad of ways with variable speeds. The Higher can see the lower but the lower cannot see the higher. It's a welcome relief to discover the subtlety and freedom in Witness Consciousness. I've been a classic case of arrested development. I haven't integrated psychologically for a number of reasons. One reason is fear of being scapegoated by those of blue/0range worldview in my local (redneck) culture. I fear them because I have been one of them. I know the possibilities here, but fear just begets more fear. Long story short is - it doesn't matter if it isn't fair or situations become spooky. I've got to find a way to deal with it. Having a good taste of Witness Consciousness allows for the good/positive possibilities to manifest. Witness Consciousness creates a spaciousness where new things become possible. I'm happy being an introvert. I no longer feel a need to become extroverted. It was funny when I realized how uncomfortable I made a group of my aquaintences become just from me being present and in my quiet place. They were all more extroverted and outer oriented and very uncomfortable with silence. Integration for me means just being natural and allowing the space for an unfoldment to take place. An unfoldment of my natural potentials. Being silent is natural for me. To be continued,,,,,somewhere, sometime,,, maybe. I appreciate everyone who keeps a Journal here regardless of style or aim. ?‍♂️Hi everyone.

I found Actualized.org and started my Journal just over a year ago. I've annoyed, amused, and sometimes infuriated others at times, without intending to do so. I feel like I have grown some vertically. Transformationally in the last year. Stage growth is slow. Conceptually I understand this from Ken Wilbur audio explanations. My conceptual understanding of this now has more depth to it. States and stages,,,,, States of consciousness come and go,,,,. It's ok. It's just a part of the natural yo yo of Being. In my understanding, anyway. Growth in stages of consciousness can't be skipped over or hurried. I appreciate Leo's lengthy explanations of topics and having access to this forum. I've been binge-watching some his later episodes all day today. What constitutes spiritual sleep continues to become more recognizable. I observe this in myself everyday. This flux in essence of being and ego/personality.

Hugs back,,, @modmyth,,,,, thank you My ability to glibly rattle on or articulate an inspired tangent is a thing which often comes and goes. In a book I read once but became confused over whether it was Larry McMurtry or Hunter Thompson. It was stated when in a particular physical atmospheres/locations, at times the feeling of being tongue tide and not being able to properly explain themselves prevailed. I can relate to this idea. Pershaps this weird phenomenon expressed like this has some element of truth. I periodically feel tongue tied that seems somehow attached to the atmosphere of locations. Close but not expressly related to this. Today - Go visit Ma (Grandmother 96) in depressing as hell nursing home. Go to Mothers house for a family Christmas dinner. Hoping there will be less passive aggressive button pushing this evening unlike Sunday family Dinners. Going to try to observe my inner state throughout the day and stay present in the body/Conscious/Witnessing,, ,, BillW shared a Ram Dass quote yesterday. - "If you think you're enlightened, go spend a week with your family."

Attention of the heart,,,,