Zigzag Idiot

In past self observation and Inquiry I noticed that wearing my glasses would put me more into ego/false personality through the action of framing my eyesight/perception and reducing peripheral awareness. In witnessing awareness my attention will be split between peripheral vision and predator/direct vision. In witnessing awareness I have no startle response. There will most always be a startle response, for example, from a loud unexpected noise if I'm not in witnessing awareness.. Impartial Attention Exercises These are associated with assimilating Third Being Food. They can be practiced individually, sequentially or simultaneously. Sightless Gaze - one attends to ones total visual field as one diffuse, panoramic field of light, taking in everything without identifying or labelling the impressions as things or actions, good or bad, pleasant or unpleasant. Soundless Sound - one attends to ones total aural field as one omnidirectional field of sound, taking in everything without identifying or labelling the impressions as things or actions, good or bad, pleasant or unpleasant. Odourless Odour - one attends to all odours taking in every odour without identifying or labelling the impressions as things or actions, good or bad, pleasant or unpleasant. Tasteless Taste - one attends to all taste impressions, taking in everything without identifying or labelling the impressions as things or actions, good or bad, pleasant or unpleasant. Touchless Touch - one attends to all the sensations in the body, from the skin to the bone marrow, taking in all sensations without identifying or labelling the impressions as things or actions, good or bad, pleasant or unpleasant. from- https://www.endlesssearch.co.uk/exercises_attention.htm

Essence can be distinguished from personality and false personality. False personality is equivalent to ego,

The Thirst For More by Dr. Jim Rosen ©2020 Dr. Jim Rosen Take a look at, for instance, people’s relationship with money. The gratification you get from it is very short-lived. The good feelings come and then quickly leave. So you have to make more money to get more gratification. But the money and the spending never really satisfy. So you have to make more again. Money, and the material things you acquire with it, are just stuff – external things that don’t really fill you up. If used properly, money is a tool. But it isn’t an end in itself; it won’t give you happiness or peace of mind. It’s a similar situation in people who just take pills as a substitute for real therapy. The pills may give short-lived relief from your anxiety, depression, stress, or your high blood pressure. But the pills don’t get to the heart of the matter. They never satisfy the real problems. They don’t give you happiness or peace of mind. So you keep taking them. And I ask you, if you have to keep taking something, is it really a cure?

Oops Trying to post during a thunderstorm made a mess. Here's the full post, hopefully. Two different usages of the word personality Disclaimer and warning. The following may be worded bluntly and possibly make me appear like a know-it-all. I'm not , but from some perspectives, I appear to be.. It's not my intention to force everyone into this box unless the reader finds that, what is stated is also true for them, then I do. So I put a metaphorical door on this box because our Awakened True Self, Real "I" has Will and can do. I see now how it would serve me well to better learn the Myers Briggs typology. The false self is cultivated through our childhood conditioning and education which is then lorded over by the cultural ego. Personality is then equated with ego. Real "I" is also equated wth personality when a person matures, wakes up from out of one's conditioning with its identifications, some of which are imposed on it from the Culture. Integration and individuating can result in the attainment of the Pearl beyond Price. I'm not there yet but I feel like the fog sometimes clears a little and I get to see over the fence, like it's the promised land. Perhaps even experience a higher state for a bit, but hopefully, eventually, reach a higher stage or station. The full Pearl,,, Some report an inner experience of a blue Pearl. Others have reported the experience of a wheel turning, which then stops. Unless I'm mistaken, this was Carl Jung's experience. The outer enneatype personality is false and can be worked with and shaped. The inner Essence type based on one's body type (dominant endocrine gland) is fixed more so and found in the inner part of the Enneagram. I've shared the following explanation/quote in the past which gives the reasoning for the study of endocrine or Essence types. This explains also in a roundabout way, why Enlightened or Realized people like Eckart Tolle, a more reserved type isn't expected to ever put on flashy clothes, jump up on the stage, and starting belting out an old Elvis tune come Karaoke night at his favorite restaurant. What comes natural is different for different Essence types. From this book - "When we are able to recognize types and predict the characteristic reactions, we find that this information is liberating, both as it applies to ourselves and as it helps us to understand others. Once we know that virtually all limitations, weakness and shortcomings are not things for which we can be blamed, most of us feel the lifting of guilt that we have carried for most of our lives. If we are Lunars we cannot be outgoing and emotionally demonstrative, no matter how much others urge us to be and how much we may want to please them. If we are Saturns we cannot stop trying to control others--- always for their own good--- no matter how strenuously they object. If we are Venusians we cannot be aggressively ambitious no matter how much our mothers want us to be and how much we may love our mothers. If we are an emotionally centered mercurial and find it impossible to engage in repetitive tasks day after day, word processing in an isolated cubicle, or putting shingles on roofs, then we should begin to understand how hard it is for a moving centered Martial to experience his own emotions, much less express them effectively. ,,,,," From page 265 This also brings in the type in relation to one's center of gravity based somewhat and expressed in relation to the four Jungian functions - Sensing, thinking, feeling, willing (intuition) Fudging here with willing (intuition),,,,, as it was taught to me. Intellectually centered Emotionally centered Moving centered Instinctively centered I am a moving centered, mars type for an example. So in addition to endocrine type is the inclusion of one's center of gravity,,,, Combining the instinctive and moving centers (hara) results in Gurdjieff's portrayal of humans as 3 brained beings or 3 centered beings,,, It is said in the Work that we must learn to become passive towards our personalities. Or make the personality more passive. Making Essence in us boss. The two usages of personality can make it confusing. When personality is boss, egomaniac is result. Automaton being boss is a form of egomania or slavery. It could be said maybe that the Inner child Essence must become boss with the Witness observing. Be as a child, enter the Kingdom,,,

Timothy Leary famously said- "Find the others" ?

"I'm a music freak"- Hunter Thompson

@Himanshu Ive been slow to express it but I completely dig your Journal!

The Kingdom of Heaven IS you. ,,,,,,,, the Christ Mind IS yours. Going through my notes today I ran across some of the ACIM urtext that I had copied and pasted previously in my journal and had forgotten about. For those that don't know, the urtext is pretty much all of the unedited version of ALL of the communication from Jesus channeled through Helen. I think that's an accurate way to put it,,,, It's cool also that Jesus uses the term ego and also references a statement of Freud's which I remember from before. Jung is also brought up in a spot or two in the urtext. Also a pioneering psychologist, Hankins, that I'm not familiar with. Anyway, the quote speaks for itself.--- Love without Conflict (December 27, 1965) When Helen reads this to you, Bill, try to listen very carefully. You have never understood what "The Kingdom of Heaven is within you" means. The reason you cannot understand it is because it is NOT understandable to the ego, which interprets it as if something outside is inside, which does not mean anything. The word "within" does not belong. The Kingdom of Heaven IS you. What else BUT you did the Creator create, and what else but you IS His Kingdom? This is the whole message of the Atonement, a message which in its totality transcends the sum of its parts which we have covered before. Christmas is not a time; it is a state of mind. The Christ Mind wills from the Soul, not from the Ego, and the Christ Mind IS yours. You, too, have a Kingdom which your Soul has created. It has not ceased to create because your ego has set you on the road of perception. Your Soul's creations are no more fatherless than you are. Your ego and your Soul will never be co-creators, but your Soul and YOUR Creator will ALWAYS be. Be confident that your creations are as safe as you are. The Kingdom is perfectly united and perfectly protected, and the ego will not prevail against it. Amen. That was written in that form because it is a good thing to use as a kind of prayer in moments of temptation. It is a declaration of independence. You will both find it very helpful if you understand it fully. In its characteristic upside-down way, the ego has taken the impulses from the superconscious and perceives them as if they arise in the unconscious. The ego judges what is to be accepted, and the impulses from the superconscious are unacceptable to it, because they clearly point to the non-existence of the ego itself. The ego therefore experiences threat, and not only censors but also reinterprets the data. However, as Freud very correctly pointed out what you do not perceive you still know, and it can retain a very active life BEYOND your awareness. You who identify with your egos cannot believe that God loves you. YOU do not love what you have made, and what you have made does not love you. Being made out of the denial of the Father, the ego has no allegiance to its own Maker. You cannot conceive of the real relationship that exists between God and His Souls, because of the hatred you have for the Self you have made. You project onto your own idea of yourself the will to separate, which conflicts with the love you also feel for what you have made because you made it. No human love is without this ambivalence, and since no ego has experienced love WITHOUT ambivalence, the concept is beyond its understanding. Love will enter immediately into any mind which truly wants it, but it MUST want it truly. This means that it wants it WITHOUT ambivalence, and this kind of wanting is wholly without the ego's "drive to get." There is a kind of experience that is so different from anything the ego can offer that you will never recover. The word is used quite literally here, - you will never be able to hide again. It is necessary to repeat that your belief in darkness and in hiding IS why the light cannot enter. The Bible has many references to the immeasurable gifts which are for you, but for which YOU must ask. This is not the condition as the ego sets conditions. It is the glorious condition of what you ARE. No force except your own will is strong enough or worthy enough to guide you. In this you are as free as God, and must remain so forever.

@Wisebaxter Thanks, brother-friend! ? It's always good to hear from you! I agree! People appreciate encouragement for the most part. Some Journalers that don't want any feedback will usually state so in their Journal. Those who are ambiguous about interactions will sometimes warm up to feedback if the approach is sincere and they don't feel like they're being criticized or talked down to. Maybe,,, 'skillful means' as Ken Wilber says,,, Yes, It really can be,, Good luck with your aims and new efforts,,,,,!

Thanks @LastThursday ? Most of my rebelliousness is more about just rooting for the underdog. ?‍♂️??‍♂️?

INTP - This test. I've just tested once before. Hastily, about a year ago and the result was that I was ISFJ. Typing myself, long ago as an enneatype counterphobic 6 who mistrusts authority, I've always belligerently discounted the MBTI on the assumption that it was conventional and therefore probably bullshit. Reading some this morning I discovered that a lot of conventional Psychologists discount the MBTI,,,, therefore, I think I'm starting to warm up to this typology more! Also Virgo Sun sign- Capricorn rising- Moon in Leo- Mars in Scorpio. Have nothing in the air signs and a Yod that I'm trying to figure out,,, @Himanshu Good idea you had with this post! Thank you for the initiative!

Another song that has the word Conscience in the lyrics.

Reading some of the Journals this evening. The idea of Castaneda's peerless warrior came to mind. Self-importance is our greatest enemy. Think about it--what weakens us is feeling offended by the deeds and misdeeds of our fellow men. Our self-importance requires that we spend most of our lives offended by someone. Every effort should be made to eradicate self-importance from the lives of warriors. Without self-importance we are invulnerable. * * * Self-importance can't be fought with niceties. * * * Seers are divided into two categories. Those who are willing to exercise self-restraint and can channel their activities toward pragmatic goals, which would benefit other seers and man in general, and those who don't care about self-restraint or about any pragmatic goals. The latter have failed to resolve the problem of self-importance. Self-importance is not something simple and naive. On the one hand, it is the core of everything that is good in us, and on the other hand, the core of everything that is rotten. To get rid of the self-importance that is rotten requires a masterpiece of strategy. In order to follow the path of knowledge one has to be very imaginative. In the path of knowledge nothing is as clear as we'd like it to be. Warriors fight self-importance as a matter of strategy, not principle. Impeccability is nothing else but the proper use of energy. My statements have no inkling of morality. I've saved energy and that makes me impeccable. To understand this, you have to save enough energy yourself. Warriors take strategic inventories. They list everything they do. Then they decide which of those things can be changed in order to allow themselves a respite, in terms of expending their energy. The strategic inventory covers only behavioral patterns that are not essential to our survival and well-being. In the strategic inventories of warriors, self-importance figures as the activity that consumes the greatest amount of energy, hence, their effort to eradicate it. One of the first concerns of warriors is to free that energy in order to face the unknown with it. The action of rechanneling that energy is impeccability. i skipped some here------- If seers can hold their own in facing petty tyrants, they can certainly face the unknown with impunity, and then they can even stand the presence of the unknowable. Nothing can temper the spirit of a warrior as much as the challenge of dealing with impossible people in positions of power. Only under those conditions can warriors acquire the sobriety and serenity to stand the pressure of the unknowable. skipped some more-------- To be defeated by a small-fry petty tyrant is not deadly, but devastating. Warriors who succumb to a small-fry petty tyrant are obliterated by their own sense of failure and unworthiness. Anyone who joins the petty tyrant is defeated. To act in anger, without control and discipline, to have no forbearance, is to be defeated. After warriors are defeated they either regroup themselves or they abandon the quest for knowledge and join the ranks of the petty tyrants for life. There are a series of truths about awareness that have been arranged in a specific sequence for purposes of comprehension. The mastery of awareness consists in internalizing the total sequence of such truths. The first truth is that our familiarity with the world we perceive compels us to believe that we are surrounded by objects, existing by themselves and as themselves, just as we perceive them, whereas, in fact, there is no world of objects, but a universe of the Indescribable Force's emanations. Before I can explain the Indescribable Force's emanations, I have to talk about the known, the unknown, and the unknowable. The unknown is something that is veiled from man, shrouded perhaps by a terrifying context, but which, nonetheless, is within man's reach. The unknown becomes the known at a given time. The unknowable, on the other hand, is the indescribable, the unthinkable, the unrealizable. It is something that will never be known to us, and yet it is there, dazzling and at the same time horrifying in its vastness. There is a simple rule of thumb: in the face of the unknown, man is adventurous. It is a quality of the unknown to give us a sense of hope and happiness. Man feels robust, exhilarated. Even the apprehension that it arouses is very fulfilling. The new seers saw that man is at his best in the face of the unknown. Divider//////////////////////////////////// This guy has extracted the "teaching" out of Castaneda's stories and devoted a website to it with all of Castaneda's books. I gave him a little donation a few years ago. I tried listening to his MP3 years ago but was dissapointed in them. To me, reading Castaneda's phraseology is entertaining as well as helping to integrate other Teachings better. What he describes above reminds me of the Fourth Way practice of not expressing negative emotions, If you're hooked here's the link. https://www.prismagems.com/castaneda/donjuan7.html

People can be composed of such a weird mixture. Vincent Van Gogh was in love/lust/infatuated with a certain prostitute but she would have nothing to do with him. Being the tortured genius artist that he was, he cut off his left ear and mailed it to her as a gesture of his sincerity. This song by Don McLain is about Van Gogh. It's such a sad yet beautiful song that was about his beautiful yet twisted soul. If I listen to it in solitude, I get weepy almost immediately. He has such an exceptional voice, especially back in his prime. I learned the other day he was arrested for spousal abuse. What the hell? People can really have a stage mixture of elements about them.. Don McLain back in his prime.

I feel that I understand where you're coming from. What you describe has been in my experience, also. An ebb and flow that happens with different aspects of the work. The undertone of it In the long run feels like I can't retrieve it at will. Nor can I throw it away.

To all journal writers. I feel so much gratitude for everyone's unique expressions. I could go down the line but I'll spare some of you the embarrassment of me doing it. Sharing your thoughts, insights, struggles and bearing your souls in different ways. I grok you all in different ways. A deep felt sense of appreciation for everyone. Even for those who think I'm a prick. I feel no shame at all right now. Just blessings in the experience of being a love drunkard. Sweep me up,,, toss me into the wind Im laying down in that tall grass In that field right now and yes, the world is just too full to even talk about,,,, And no, I'm not under the influence of any intoxicants at the moment Im sober as a judge,,, Considering that All those I've personally been aquainted with we're all alcoholics,, Dont even know what that really means.

@Thittato Brother-and fellow-head-injury-Journaler-friend. ?‍♂️ Sitll enjoying your Journal,,,,, Your steadfastness and adaptability. Thank you for sharing.

I can't lift the plank I'm standing on. Thats possibly another way of paraphrasing ACIM. It points out the folly of making the ego into something which we can or need to dissect. This doesn't distract at all from the Course teaching that we human critters are constantly dissociating from reality through imagination, food, sex, being a dutiful workaholic of some kind or other, bowling, soap operas, forms of seeking merit, bird watching, etc.,you name it. Anything, anything at all instead of what I believe Castaneda was referring to as the experience of "stopping the world". That's a shame because stopping the world is a beautiful experience. A lot of people have very manicured lawns because they would rather do that than deal with very tender pockets of mostly buried and repressed - self hatred. That's what hobbies are for,,,, Dissociating from reality! And yet,, to see and experience the understanding that internalized images are the building blocks of ego structures. A larger frame of reference is present and watches as the body steps off of the plank and it is then lifted to reveal empty space. To say this empty space is the home of the witness is not spot on. Because it's nature is unnameable. Ironically trying to name the unnameable is something that those who have a certain center of gravity, can't seem to shut up about. I've heard this profundity/joke stated in a couple of ways,,, I confess and surrender,,,, I like though, when Ken Wilber was told by a Spiritual Teacher at a very specific time, during an intense 10 day period of Witnessing conscious awareness - "The Witness is the last stand of the ego"- The Teacher told him. If I remember the story right,,, Wilber said something to the effect of,,,that's when 'something deeper dropped away,,,, I get long and twisty with my descriptions sometimes. Short notes - internalized images are the building blocks of ego structures which oddly correlates with the notion that ego is actually something which is nonexistent. One can gain everything by erasing all of one's personal history, to state it from another of Castaneda's perspectives. For some reason, this idea scares the shit out of a lot of people. This is related in a roundabout way to the saying that- "Saints are the eaters of suffering." Saints get out of the habit of dissociating from reality nonstop, as most people continue to do and me being one of them at times. Lost in a form of amnesia or Self forgetting. We get snagged by the momentum of the world. I surrender again. I just remembered what I was going to express in a post about 10 hours ago, though. We are all contaminated and possessed by our own minds. The state of having monkey mind or forms thereof. We are constantly identifying with many of these thoughts which pass through. Kenosis is the Teaching of letting go which Jesus taught. The kenotic gesture is one of releasing and letting go of thoughts and just having inner quiet. The Witness is then present.

Excuse me please. I forgot where I was a moment ago and so I just hid that post.

Spiritually Awakened people are Love drunkards.

I'm generally most attracted to Dark haired, dark eyed women who are a little fleshy and have some curves and padding. The Venusian type, in the endocrine (essence) typology. The parathyroid being their dominant endocrine gland makes them laid back. I'm mostly aderenaline (Mars) essence type. Red or blonde hair is an indication of the adrenal type. Mercury and Mars are usually fairly short. Mercury types are governed by the thyroid. Mars and Mercury essence people miss understanding and but heads. One of my most intense relationships was with a Mercury essence type. She also was a libra and on the ennneagram of personality she who is the -One- Perfectionist type who wrestles with the passion of anger. On personality side I'm a counterphobic -six-. My chief feature is fear. Counterphobic type sixes mistrusts authority. Counterphobic sixes have difficulty with possible doom scenarios to the point that we speed up to encounter seemingly bad situations because waiting things out is too much. It's the let's hurry up and get this over with so I don't have to live with dread. As a mars essence type, I'm spun towards being blunt and also destructive.My mother is a phobic six, who are usually conformist and non confrontational but still based on fear. We just deal with the passion of fear differently. Sixes have to transform their passion of fear into the virtue of courage.. Yep, we're born cowards,,, Type one's whose chief feature is anger need to work towards culitivating the virtue of serenity. Sometimes people can have a personality type which mixes awkwardly with their essence type. I deal with anger of course as well as all of the passions, as their called. Lust, Averice (greed), sloth, deceit, melancholy, the epicurean (hedonist), pride. It's taught the one can transform the personality over time but essence doesn't change. Astrology has its place, I think. Which I'm slowly trying to learn but I get more insight from the Enneagram with its outside flow of direction concerns the personality (ego; false "I") and also the essence types which corresponds to the inner, reverse flow of which their are fewer. I can be physically attracted to all the types but the Venusian is my maximum attraction. it's taught that there are very few pure essence types and that we're all a mixture but whichever endocrine gland is somewhat dominant in the system will affect their demeanor. Im a slow learner, usually honest but prone to being destructive. If you need someone to demolish an old building with a sledge hammer, I'm your man. I love busting glass,,, and building big campfires. Throwing a glass bottle against a brick wall for me is almost orgasmic. A life spent looking at soft porn has, in a way, poisoned me. That's one way of putting it. I used to have a nearly overwhelming compulsion to call or mail Garrison Keillor and telling him what a smug prick I thought he was. Porn was comparatively terrible when I was growing up compared to today. A lot of the women seemed traumatized or have maybe some kind of arrested development going on. Nowadays there is not as much shame culturally. I'm sure there are a variety of factors but I see women in porn nowadays who are authentically enjoying themselves, laughing, cracking jokes, and having a good time. Mars types are particularly prone to being horn dogs. I know for sure I wasn't cut out to be a parent. Most of my life I was too mentally and emotionally unstable. I feel like a kid. I've always felt like a kid. A horney, obsessive compulsive, destructive, kid, fixated on philosophy, spituality, and psychology , somewhat. I also require a lot of solitude. I'm a natural hermit.

This we have very much in common. I watched and lived with the stress of my parents being in debt most of their lives and I knew then that having a lot of debt means being more or less a slave for the bank which equates into a major loss in freedom. In my twenties I struggled to just keep $1000 in the bank as buffer/emergency money. In the nineties I built most of my house only subcontracting out certain bits. Had to borrow 10,000 to get it finished after 2 years of working on it. Never married or had children. 2 years ago. Shortly after turning 50, I realized I could semi-retire by being out of debt and having saved a little nest egg to see me through until I can draw social security. That is, if I'm able to maintain a minimalist livestyle. I think the word mortgage translates to 'death grip'. I would rather be a little poor and somewhat free than to be highly leveraged materialist with all the latest goodies. I enjoy the thoughts you express and your Journal in general.