Zigzag Idiot

Bits of my confused time in life as a Scientologist I did some fairly bizarre things as a Scientologist in training. I guess you could call it a rather paradoxical organization because they have quite effective techniques that liberate one from certain insecurities while at the same time manipulating and orchestrating you to vow allegiance for life and convincing you to start shoveling all of your worldly assets into their possession. I'll mention two situations. One was a Course referred to as Training routines #1, or something like that, that took around a week to complete. One of the last exercises I had to complete was to sit face to face with a teacher or if not available, an advanced student and stare directly into their eyes without blinking for a full fifteen minutes. Do you know how difficult that is? After struggling with not blinking many times which meant restarting the timer, a moment would come when the other person's face would start distorting into hideous images like they were becoming deformed and turning into some hellish looking monster,, stuff like that. This was after about mid Course where you had to stare blank faced while the other would do everything in the world to make you crack up laughing or grimace, frown, etc. They would crack hilarious jokes, scream obscenities at you, pick their nose,,,, all kinds of things. Going through all this really did increase my confidence in ways though. How could it not? I cant remember if it was this same Course or another but I was given the task of shouting orders as loud as I possibly could at a glass ashtray. So as not to disturb the other students and the organizational staff working at their desks on the phone trying to generate recruits or maybe trying to coerce some other gullible poor bastards like me into advance paying on their next course that would change their life forever in a wonderful way. So, we go into an adjoining room that's basically a hollow core door and walls with no insulation. I might as well been out there sitting in the middle of everybody because my instructor kept staying on my ass about not yelling loud enough. It was absurd commands also that I was having to scream at this fairly large glass ashtray. When we walked back through the door it seemed every person without exception couldn't help but stare at me for a moment. Some with disturbed looks or worse yet some with pity and embarrassment for me. To say It was very awkward would be an understatement. Enduring that absurd humiliation at least burned away a part of my reserved nature and any kind of dignity that my ego tended to carry around. These people have a tenacious discipline hammered into them. I would almost rather have Navy Seals pursuing me than to be in the crosshairs of this bunch with their small army of ruthless hack lawyers. You can't imagine the respect I have for Leah Remini and other former Scientology members who now openly and defiantly bow up and take on this Cult. In no way do I want to actively join in on that campaign against them. I'm just thankful to have gotten free from it. It did though whittle away some of my semi-conscious grandiose self importance. Castaneda's Don Juan advised that one could go in search of a petty tyrant who would help one to reduce one's own self importance. I certainly yet inadvertently did find one!

Sometimes words won’t flow from me but I get fulfillment and contentedness from just listening to music. As most everyone knows Kris Kristopherson can’t sing very well but he is an excellent songwriter. Recently I heard this particular performance for the first time and really enjoyed it, I may have mentioned this before and probably have because I’ve noticed my increased tendency to tell stories I’ve already told before. This song was a part of a vivid dream I once had. It wasn’t exactly a lucid dream but it was so real In feeling that upon awaking the next morning I almost felt like a changed person. In the dream I was singing this song accompanied by an band and small orchestra in front of a huge outdoor audience. Something I would never do because Im not really that much of an outgoing person but it felt SO REAL! I never especially liked the song before the dream. It was just another eagles song I had heard all my life. But after the dream though it really held a special place in my heart and being. In the dream I felt the pleasureof hitting all the notes just right and experiencing the satisfaction in doing so. A grateful kind of satisfaction. Even though the song itself has a rather sad tone about it.

Not sure if you welcome questions and comments from others. If you'd rather not, let me know and I'll hide this. In short, just two items. 1.In relation to the above quote, It tickled me a few years ago when Episcopal Priest Cynthia Bourgeault refereed to this kind of volunterism as opposed to genuine altruism as "dogooderism". 2. A quote- "The absence of Joy is slow suicide" - Ocke de Boer

If a parody is ever created about Actualized.org, this would make a great lead in song. ?

@ARMeeeeRA That is a great question, And one which is very relevant in dealing with others. It has been a conundrum for me as well. I'm afraid there's a large percentage of the population, even in the spiritual or work on Self community, that don't realize the extent of projection which takes place with all its subtleties. Rarely it seems that one is able to point out others projections without them getting highly offended. More often than not I tend to just kinda go silent in as non-offenseable a way as possible and the with some silence and space given, the other may bring up the issue again later. It is at this time with some skillful means, it seems there's a possibility of reopening the subject in a way that certain things can then be addressed.

Jims mini column from week before last is probably my all time favorite. Forgiveness has never really been a popular message. If it were, the world we live in would probably be completely different. When I consider the heart of the Teaching that Christ brought, two words come to mind. Mercy and forgiveness. Overlooking others transgressions. Letting go and wishing others well. Turning the other cheek,,, nonaggression,, The World of the Ego by Dr. Jim Rosen ©2020 Dr. Jim Rosen ?? We call it our “identity.” We call it our “personality.” We try to make it into something we consider special, and then we cling to what we have made. As if we can really make ourselves. We fashion these egos of ours, but we do not make the Self. You don’t make your Self and I don’t make mine. Think of the ego as your little self in a little body on a little planet in the middle of a huge ocean of universe. The ego is indeed the little self. It gets its feelings hurt easily. It feels threatened, and then it gets scared and angry and wants to retaliate. It gets in little power struggles. It thinks it needs approval and recognition from other little egos. It’s unsure and insecure, but it tries to act like it knows what it’s doing. And then it wants to blame everyone else for its mistakes. You do not have to rely on that little ego. By its nature, it is unreliable. Do not accept the idea that your ego is you. Do not believe that that is all you are. We are just passing through these bodies, learning and growing from our experiences here on this earth, on our way to our Higher Self. You know what you are really capable of. You know there is a real person inside of you who can love so deeply that the people you love are a part of you. You know that you can see right past their errors and shortcomings, and peer into their hearts. You know the joy this brings to you and to them. You know all this from the moments of really experiencing it. And because you can touch it and experience it for even a moment, you have the proof of who and what you really are.

My friends weekly mini column. I liked his message last week so much that I'm reposting it below this weeks. Swallowing Little Pills by Dr. Jim Rosen ©2020 Dr. Jim Rosen The drug culture. It’s past time to give it serious consideration. Not the culture of illegal drugs, but our lawful drug culture. The multi-billion dollar business of prescribed, mood-altering medications - mood elevators, sleeping pills, anti-depressants, tranquilizers, anti-anxiety drugs. “These pills never really solve anything; they only obscure it. Is it wise, for example, to make yourself feel secure when you’re really in danger; or happy when you have reason to grieve; or full of energy when you body is fatigued… A person overwhelmed by anxieties that have no discernible cause needs to get to a therapist… Tranquilizers may facilitate his therapy, but if they prevent him from embarking on it in the first place, they are doing him harm.” (from Walter McQuade and Ann Aikman’s book, “Stress”). In this age of doing things faster and faster, perhaps it seems reasonable to try to fix your life by swallowing little pills. Perhaps not. Letting Love Out of the Cage by Dr. Jim Rosen ©2020 Dr. Jim Rosen You sit there and you want so much for somebody to love you. You think to yourself, “If only someone could see the real me… if the world could see all the love I have inside, then surely they’d love me.” You stay there, keeping all that love caged inside. And you want… for someone to magically see through your exterior and love the real you. And you hold onto the belief that “When love comes my way, then I’ll be free to express myself. My heart will be liberated.” But it is the outward expression of love that makes you feel alive, that gives you the feeling of belonging to life. First you must give love, then you receive it. First you liberate your heart… first you let the love out… first you let the world see the person you are on the inside.

It’s kinda odd but listening to mellow or sad songs In the morning sometimes helps me to process an undefined heaviness, let go of a worry cycle and then feeling lighter, go On about the day.

Becoming paranormal The Experience of Peace Descending in Our Inner World This development of the subtle capacities occurs specifically through the activation of the Black latifa, at the center of the forehead. The arising of this essential aspect means the opening up of this center, which we experience as the essence of peacefulness—a quiet and still presence, satin-smooth and luminously black. It is the presence of consciousness as stillness. Our mind becomes quieter, and at times completely still and clean. The totality of our consciousness—the whole experiential field of the soul—is stilled. This is the experience of peace descending in our inner world. The descent of peace brings up a new quality of Essence, with all of its properties and capacities to support our inquiry, but it also activates the subtle centers, the subtle capacities of perception. The primary perceptual center is the Black latifa, at the center of the forehead. It is also the center of the operation of the Diamond Guidance itself. During inquiry, the Guidance tends to operate as a presence at the center of the forehead. That is why you get clear and crisp in your head when you understand something. Spacecruiser Inquiry, pg. 315 Hameed's term of the Diamond Guidance is just the phenomenalogical description of the decent and guidance of the Holy Spirit which he also describes it acting as the optimizing thrust of Being. It's felt as a slight pressure in the forehead. To simplify, observing ourselves as we really are and not as we would wish to be or appear to other people to see us is the process of 'coating our higher Being bodies.' I appreciate Ocke de Boers to the point, and also folksy description of the chakras. Nature completes our lower chakras but it requires effort on our part in "unfolding to completion our upper chakras or energy centers.

"A relaxed body = an honest body"- Red Hawk The following is a good article written by Heather Ruce, giving practices in which she quotes Red Hawk quite a bit. May 26, 2020 from https://northeastwisdom.org/ I trimmed a little of it out,,,, We will continue to observe ourselves without judgment and without changing what is observed. We will add in Red Hawk’s third principle of self observation which is with attention on bodily sensation and a relaxed body. Although we have been working with sensation already, we are going to stay with this—it takes practice. Red Hawk says that observing ourselves in this way frees up our attention “so that it is not captured and consumed by the body’s force of habits, but is free to choose from aim, not mood.” Most of us are at the whim of our moods which determine our attitudes and behaviors. We identify with our moods and they affect us, we are not free. He says: Mood is like the weather—a cloud in the sky is not my concern, nor can I do anything about it but nearly observe it; likewise, mood is the inner weather, a cloud which is passing through the inner sky. It is not me, it does not need to affect me in any way, and just like the cloud, it is not any of my business or concern. Thus, for a mature soul, mood does not decide attitude. I am free to choose my attitude at any moment, regardless of circumstances internal or external. The task this week is to remember yourself and to observe your moods without judgment, without changing what is observed, and with attention on bodily sensation and a relaxed body. When you observe your moods as weather, with attention on bodily sensation and a relaxed body, what do you notice about the quality of presence in your intellectual center? Do you notice a clearer mind? What is the sensation of energy moving in your body like? Is it like the sky in which the weather of mood is moving through? Can you identify the sensation of the mood in your body—the “cloud which is passing through the inner sky?” What do you notice about the quality of presence in your emotional center? What feelings that arise? Week IV This week we will work with Red Hawk’s fourth principle of self observation which is ruthless self honesty. He says this means telling the truth about ourselves no matter how poorly it makes us look, otherwise “we join the mass of humanity, whose main concern is looking good in front of others.” This kind of honesty produces humility. We all have an image of ourselves, how we see ourselves. It may be an admirable image, seeing ourselves as caring, full of integrity, intelligent, etc.; or it may be a deprecating image of ourselves as inadequate, lacking value, bad, and so on. Neither image is accurate because it is incomplete. We pretend, putting on masks in front of others to preserve or overcompensate our self-image. Red Hawk says: It is these habits of behavior which contradict this self-image which my lying prevents me from seeing and suffering. When I practice ‘ruthless self honesty’ I will learn what ‘voluntary suffering’ means, because I will begin to see my contradictions without lies or judgment, simply as they are in me. And I will suffer. The Work asks me to stand in this pain, doing nothing, trying to change nothing, judging nothing, simply feeling the pain totally without judging it good or bad, right or wrong. Simply stand in the pain and allow it to be sensed throughout the body. Emotional or psychological pain is energy in the body. Nothing else. The body knows what to do with the energy but only ‘when I do not interfere.’ Our task is to continue to observe ourselves without judgment, without changing what is observed, with attention on bodily sensation—a body at ease—and with ruthless self honesty. As we see our contradictions, we will engage voluntary sufferingbuilding our nervous system’s capacity to stand in the pain and allowing it to be sensed as energy in the body. When you observe with ruthless self honesty, what do you notice about the quality of presence in your intellectual center? Do you notice a clearer mind? What is the sensation of energy moving in your body like? What do you notice about the quality of presence in your emotional center? What feelings arise? Week V We have spent the last four weeks deepening our experiences of self-remembering and self-observation and will now spend the next four weeks working with trying to observe more specific things within ourselves. This time provides a great opportunity to work in this way, as there are many different energetic pulls in varying directions within our current political climate and the ever changing Covid-19 crisis. One of the classic phenomena we can observe within ourselves is “unnecessary tension in the body,” something that Cynthia often talks about in wisdom schools. Unnecessary tension in the body is simply any tension that is not necessary to engage for the task or activity we are doing. We can observe ourselves in both small and large ways. I often observe myself with unnecessary tension in my face especially when trying to learn something challenging or in my shoulders or legs when I am doing simple tasks around the house such as cooking, cleaning or gardening. I am also noticing unnecessary tension in my body in regard to how this pandemic is unfolding. I want to invite us not only to observe the unnecessary tension in our individual bodies but the collective body. This pandemic continues to reveal the reality of our interconnectedness that we often know but do not experience: we are one body. It is enough to just notice the unnecessary tension in the body throughout our week as we continue with self-remembering, locating our bodies in space and time through sensation. We will observe without judgment, without changing what is observed, with sensation, and with ruthless self honesty. Red Hawk says: Noticing is enough. These things will tend to regulate themselves if I do not fight, judge, condemn, or interfere with them. They exist for a reason and that reason is that they served me, at some point in my life, as protection. No need to condemn them. Simply relax and notice them as they arise, without trying to ‘fix’ them or ‘do something’ about them. He reminds us of Heisenberg’s uncertainly principle, which says: the act of observation changes the thing observed. Although noticing/observing your own body and the collective body may be enough, may it make some room for each of us to know what is the individual path that supports what is most organizing and coherent for the whole body. What happens in each of your centers—intellectual center, emotional center, movement center—when you observe the unnecessary tension in your individual body this way? when you observe the unnecessary tension in the collective body this way? I invite you to share any observations you have below as you work with these tasks. posted by Heather Ruce, May 26, 2020

@Nak Khid No, I'm just vaguely aware of who she is. I've not read any of her books. Most of my reading has been directed lopsidedly towards students of Gurdjieff's Work. Maurice Nicoll, Ocke de Boer, Cynthia Bourgeault, Red Hawk, and William Patrick Patterson among others. Hammed Ali Almaas stands out somewhat in that he was influenced quite a bit by both Gurdjieff's work and Chogyam Trungpa. The notion of mindfulness is definitely a strong common current I've noticed between the two influences.

@Nak Khid True. Your assessment is more accurate than mine. I shouldn't have included what was more or less gossip that I've heard over the years and tied it to the documentary. In my previous post I also misquoted the book title as Overcoming Spiritual Materialism instead of Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism. If I keep making these blunders, I'll lose all credibility, provided or assuming there was even a little to begin with. I appreciate you posting the video just above of his full speech he made. Don't think I've seen it before. I've just started watching it. @Toby Great point you make,,,

This book blows my mind. Very detailed. Can't say enough about it,,,,

@mandyjw Great topic! Thought this might interest you. Maybe/maybe not,,,, Most of the following is just me parroting what I've heard Ken Wilber articulate. Food for thought, anyway but I've swapped the word enlightenment with being in relation to levels. This brings to mind the idea of states of Consciousness and stages of Growth like in Spiral Dynamics. States of Consciousness change often and come and go. Every now and then we all experience high rarefied states but they don't stick . But as our slow stage growth grows the higher states become more steady as Ken Wilber has pointed out. A relevant quote from Maurice Nicoll DIFFERENT LEVELS OF BEING “The Work is to make us live on a higher level of ourselves. For example, suppose you begin to internally consider. You start mak- ing accounts, making out that others owe you, thinking that you are badly treated, worrying about what others think of you, and so on. This is an activity of a lower level in yourself...Now suppose you begin to dislike the inner taste of considering. Then when internal con- sidering starts in you and you notice it you will feel uncomfortable. Why? Because you have already begun to feel what a higher level is like. You feel uncomfortable by reason of the contrast. You have seen something better. You are now in a position to make an inner choice...Better states belong to higher levels of yourself. They are in you, as different levels...But you have to see all this for yourself and get to know where you are in yourself. Ask yourself: ‘Where am I?’ With what thoughts and emotions are you going, with what moods, with what ‘I’s?” V. 1, p. 162

@Jacob Morres I read your post yesterday. A few minutes ago I thought of it again and Gangaji's book came to mind. It's very similar to Eckhart Tolle's Power Of Now. Below is a quote from it. It may not be the right one for you but I thought it wouldn't hurt to share this. “In this moment, however you are searching, stop. Whether you are searching for peace and happiness in a relationship, in a better job, or even in world peace, just for one moment stop absolutely. There is nothing wrong with these pursuits, but if you are engaging in them to get peace or to get happiness, you are overlooking the ground of peace that is already here. Once you discover this ground of peace, then whatever pursuits you engage in will be informed by your discovery. Then you will naturally bring what you have discovered to the world, to politics, to all your relationships. This discovery has infinite, complex ramifications, but the essence of it is very simple. If you will stop all activity, just for one instant, even for one-tenth of a second, and simply be utterly still, you will recognize the inherent spaciousness of your being that is already happy and at peace with itself. Because of our conditioning, we normally dismiss this ground of peace with an immediate, “Yes, but what about my life? I have responsibilities. I need to keep busy. The absolute doesn’t relate to my world, my existence.” These conditioned thoughts just reinforce further conditioning. But if you will take a moment to recognize the peace that is already alive within you, you then actually have the choice to trust it in all your endeavors, in all your relationships, in every circumstance of your life. It doesn’t mean that your life will be swept clean of conflicts, challenges, pain, or suffering. It means that you will have recognized a sanctuary where the truth of yourself is present, where the truth of God is present, regardless of the physical, mental, or emotional circumstances of your life.” ― Gangaji, The Diamond in Your Pocket: Discovering Your True Radiance

Isn't there a Zen saying something like Before enlightenment I chop wood and carry water After Realization, I chop wood and carry water i could easily be taking this out of its proper context and/or wording it wrong. if anyone knows about this statement, please chime in.

That's my problem as well,,,, I'm often unable to articulate my intent accurately The trouble with words,,,,,,

Taken as poetry, I kind of get it,,,in an abstract way. Along the lines of - Love has no opposite,,,,,, ?‍♂️Getting the drift? That make any sense?

Earlier in life i used to experience the most awful feelings of emptiness and existential angst amongst other harsh, empty kinds of feelings. The kind of experience I wouldn't wish on my worst enemies. That is, if I had any, which, as earlier in life, I did. I don't mess with people in a negative way. Sometimes though I kind of make slight gestures of tickling their inner world, you might say. I'm afraid though, as it now appears, it gets taken in a wrong way sometimes. An unintended negative way. Maybe this little attempt at explaining will help them realize I'm not the kind of psychopath they're tempted to take me as. Although, I do have a bit of the psychopath about me. But not one of the mean variety anyway. ??‍♂️

If it wasn't for politicians and Fox News broadcasters, shit shovelers wouldn't have anyone they could look down on. But then there comes a time in one's development,,,,,, Coming from Peace and Stillness When you really see that the nature of the personality is reactivity, a cyclic reactivity, when you see the whole cycle of ego activity based on hope, desire and rejection, it is possible that the activity will cease, and peace and stillness will arise. Then it is possible to understand what Being is. When this happens, you’ll discover that even if there is action and activity, where you come from is peace and stillness. This peace and stillness that you are coming from is exactly what your ego resists most of all. In fact, the first experience of peace is what the ego is trying to cover up with its reactivity. It is a kind of death experience, because you experience nothing there, just complete, absolute silence and blackness. That is peace, complete peace. There is no action, no reaction, no nothing. Just complete silence, complete peace. You might actually be engaged in some activity, but where you are coming from, your fundamental attitude, is that there is no reaction to anything, no rejection of anything. If you allow this to happen, then it is possible to know what Being is. Essentially, this experience of peace, of death, is that you are not reacting, and that you are not. There is precisely the feeling of “I am not.” I am not, and so there is no reactivity. The full experience of Being is a little beyond this, is more a feeling that “I am,” but I am not reacting. Diamond Heart Book Three, pg. 183 THE FEELING OF NOTHINGNESS “When the Work says that a man must come to realize his own nothingness before he can be re-born, it does not mean that he must humble himself and so on, but that he must by long self-observation actually begin to realize that he is nothing and that there is no such person as himself. The object of this is to get into a position, psycho- logically speaking, between the opposites...Why is it so important to get somewhere into the centre of the pendulum and not swing to and fro? Because here, between the opposites, lie all the possibilities of growth. Here influences from higher levels can reach us. Here, in this place where one can feel one’s own nothingness (and where one is therefore free from contradictions), influences and meanings com- ing from higher centres, which have no contradictions, can be felt. Not regarding yourself as good or bad, not priding yourself on being just or otherwise, not thinking you are well-treated or badly-treated, not being caught by either movement through identifying, you come into this mid-position. This is not easy! With personality active, it is impossible.” V. 1, p. 329 - Maurice Nicoll

In ACIM and I believe also in the New Testament Jesus speaks of "Having your being". The following Almaas quote reminds me of this mixed with a Maslow perceptual/ descriptive filter.- Development and Actualization of a State is what is Needed to go Beyond It The process of development is the same thing as the process of unveiling or shedding at the same time. The development and the actualization of a state is what is needed to go beyond it. They are not two separate things. You cannot go beyond self until you actualize self. For instance, when finally you know your true self, you are it, you realize in the same instant that you’ve gone beyond it. You do not need it any more because you’ve got it. That is the hierarchy of needs—when you do not have it, you need it. You must look for it, but the moment you get it, get it completely, you do not need it any longer. It is not exactly that you do not need it any longer; you realize that it is not important. You realize that it is an idea in your mind anyway. But you do not know that it is just an idea in your mind until you get it. The process of the satisfaction of the needs, the totality of the hierarchy, is the same process as the process of unveiling or shedding. So it looks paradoxical but it is really not a paradox; it is the same thing. When I say you need to let go of your desires, how do you do that? You do not let go by saying you are going to let go; you let go by actualizing them, by understanding them completely. In my opinion, there is no other way than by completely experiencing them. Complete understanding and actualization opens the door for transcendence, for Being to take consciousness further. You cannot let go of self until you completely have self. You cannot let go of your own will until you completely have your will. You cannot let go of love until you have love. That is the natural process of penetrating, of unveiling. If we remember that this is a process, that the actualization is at the same time a loss, a going beyond, that will help us to not get so frustrated and suffer so much. Diamond Heart Book Four, pg. 154