Zigzag Idiot

Gallows humor ,,,,

For others here who find themselves near this territory. The following two books might give some comfort. Interior Castle by Teresa of Avila and Dark Night of the Soul from St. John of the Cross.

@Preety_India Take heart. You're not as far gone as I am. You seem to have come out of your shell compared to when I first joined. Don't be to hard on yourself and go too far with self criticism. You are loved.

Well I went to my first Narcotics Anonymous meeting. It's structured exactly like Alcoholic's Anonymous. This twelve step program is definitely one that works. I believe what makes them work so well is the spiritual aspect of it. God is defined very loosely but is still a center point around which many aspects of the program is focused. There is a lot of humility and expressions of love and support. All groups are different though depending on the dynamic from each group of unique people. This was a good group for sure. Ninety percent seemed to be there voluntarily. I was trying to shake hands and they were all trying to hug me which is fine. I normally don't get into hugging mode until someone has died and then I want to hug everyone I'm around if I catch them standing still or approaching me like they want to hug. I really need to work on myself in this regard and be more open and natural with hugging. I've heard that some groups where most everyone is there because of a court mandate can sometimes be an absolute joke in regards maintaining sobriety. They turn into meetings for making new and better connections,,, but tonight's group wasn't like that. They were all sincere people. I could feel myself crawfishing in a hurry though. Not because I don't want to continue to be clean but because I dread the thought of these meetings taking up a part of my life. That sounds terrible I know. I don't physically crave meth like I used to crave alcohol and I'm not depressed either. Meetings like this used to be good for me when I craved alcohol and I was depressed and overwhelmed by life. But even then I got tired of going to meetings. Partly because I did attend some that weren't very good. The group dynamic that is. Being that I don't really crave meth and that I actually have good days and enjoy life I can see me having my fill in a hurry and just dropping out. There was actually a couple of people there that would probably be great sponcers. I just feel resistant to get this ball to rolling. This organization still considers cannabis to be harmful, not to mention psychedelics. In a few weeks I would probably start running my unconventional mouth and corrupt some of these good folks and I don't want to do that. I know this probably sounds arrogant in a way or that I think I'm above it. I'm not. Don't know how to explain myself. I'm not desperate enough... That sounds bad and not quite accurate. I'm too unconventional. There's truth in that but it still doesn' t do justice for an adequate explantation.. I should just shut up about this I guess. All I'm doing is incriminating myself. In a way,,, The test is going to be - HOW MY LIFE GOES. Plain and simple I guess. I did go ahead and pay $12 for the NA 'big book 'though. I enjoyed reading the AA big book years ago, with all the personal stories even though most of them were pretty sad. They were very real though. I'm not going to make up my mind tonight though. Believe I'll start some reading,,,, I feel like a Squirming Idiot,,,

@fridjonk Thanks brother man. Put in a day of fairly strenuous physical labor. Should sleep a little better tonight. Hopefully. Going to my first Narcotics Anonymous meeting in a few minutes. I'll see how that goes and report back later.

Well,,,, @fridjonk To be honest, there’s a few things I do regret. I appreciate the sentiment though, anyway. I outed myself and sent my niece a link to my Journal. The first member of my family that I’ve shared this with. She would probably find it interesting @fridjonk that you live in Iceland and raise sheep. Im trying to get my sleep pattern turned back around and adjusted more toward a healthy daytime work oriented lifestyle. As you can see the time it is now, I’m not doing all that good. I come by bouts of insomnia honestly. My mother has always struggled with insomnia. I was born on her birthday also. That has to mean something. I should maybe watch documentaries of a dull nature perhaps in the evening instead of listening to music. I grew up before the internet came about. It seems like it was a lot easier to achieve boredom back then as compared to now,,,, I watched this about an hour ago. It wasn’t bad. I’m ready for Leo to release something again. I’m not implying Leo’s videos are boring. Much to the contrary. I most always find them interesting. He’s got quite a few older ones that I haven’t watched. I may start watching some of those. I’m getting sleepy. That’s a good sign,,,

Usually just by having dirty fingernails and just being myself keeps most of these types from hardly ever coming around. Maybe acting like an over the top nice guy that wears ragged cloths and carrys a Scientology Volunteer ministers handbook around. That might just do it. Good luck,,,,

@tsuki Hope your time in nature this weekend allows you ground and reenergize, 'Fuck you superego' if maybe said with light-hearted childlike defiance mght possibly d raw out the nature spirits or cosmic helpers that are specifically needed. Maybe through the performing the rtcm about it too, To see if your inner truth is revealing the higher truths that are uniquely perfect for you to receive,. Anyhow,, have a good time friend

Im grateful to be a free man and have the opportunity to enjoy the simple things in life. Like a fire built behind my house on a winter evening to stand around and hear the coyotes yip and howl.

I don’t believe in the devil or any kind of separate entity that is pure evil. This excerpt from the Ridhwan library is one of my favorite on the subject but there are some more that’s worth reading over. All Spiritual Work Would be Pointless if There Were Such a Thing as Ultimate Evil As we have seen, each Holy Idea is a characteristic of reality at all locations, at all times, and at all levels. Holy Truth explicates this understanding. Here, we are saying that not only is reality just one presence that is boundless and real, but that it is also positive, blissful, and wonderful. So not only is God one, but God is also wonderful and made of love. The truth, then, is loving and lovable, which is why we say in the Diamond Approach that you must love truth for its own sake. If your orientation is that you love truth so that it will change you and make you a happier person, your orientation is out of sync with how things objectively are; if you see reality as it is, you can’t help but love it. It follows, then, that objectively there is no evil. We see evil only when we perceive reality through a filter. A person who behaves in what we consider evil ways is a person acting through a distortion. In spiritual work, concepts of a devil, of dark forces, of some evil that exists on its own outside of the goodness of reality are considered manifestations of ignorance, both in terms of believing in such concepts and in terms of the manifestations attributed to such forces. All spiritual work would be pointless if there were such a thing as ultimate evil. Facets of Unity, pg. 215 There are 3 more excerpts about evil at this link. https://www.diamondapproach.org/glossary/refinery_phrases/evil For whatever it’s worth, I believe our own ego or separate sense of self is the Devil. I was reflecting today on how I try again and again to be respectful of others, nonviolent and basically passive in the face of others transgressions but inevitably I end up reacting at some point. Sometimes just in small ways. Maybe becoming a little negative and saying something kind of smart ass which does no good at all or every now and then completely forgetting myself and acting like a complete dick. Having to face this recurring part of my ego helps me to get in touch with my own nothingness. If that makes any sense. Maurice Nicoll in Gems of Wisdom has many good quotes around this subject. https://inner-world-books.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/Gems_of_Wisdom.pdf NEGATIVE STATES II “In dealing with negative states, look at the ‘I’ in you and not at the person with whom you are negative. The real cause of the negative state is the ‘I’ that is speaking in you...Its only object is to make you negative and absorb as much of your force as it can. Every negative ‘I’ has only one purpose—to get hold of you and feed upon you and strengthen itself at your expense.” V. 1, p. 162 ATTRACTING HELP “It is a necessary part of this Work that everyone must eventually pass, to see in himself by sincere observation, how he clings to his negative emotions with one hand and tries to free himself with the other. The Work inevitably leads everyone to the same places and the same experiences. A man must reach the point of discerning his own helplessness—of realizing his own mechanicalness. And this, if it is not a negative experience, will bring him into a state of self-remember- ing. Through seeing his helplessness he attracts help.” V. 1, p.85 TRANSFORMING IMPRESSIONS V “How can a man bring the work up to the place of incoming impressions? In brief, by remembering the work emotionally. The more a man through right self-observation feels his own helplessness, the more he realizes his ignorance, the more he sees his mechanicalness and that he is a machine, the more he perceives his own utter nothingness, the more emotional will the work become in him.” V. 1, p. 58 I remember my father at times and how he had the patience for the most part to suffer fools gladly as the saying goes. He left this earth 15 years ago but with the help of my memories of his character he still teaches me at times.

Enjoyed this talk from Stan Grof this morning. Thought it deserved a bump. Thanks for posting it @acidgoofy Great screen name by the way! ?

I’m ok,, in a relative sense. My diagnosis was drug induced temporary psychosis and I can go along with that. One nurse told me that she’s seen people who kept going back and indulging in meth and the price was that eventually the schizophrenic hallucinations at some point just never go away. I thought that sense I had done quite a bit of shadow work and purifying of the emotional center that I was exempt from flipping my lid. Guess I was wrong. After 3 days with no sleep my hallucinations became 3D and aggressive towards me. One problem with recounting everything is that I’m not really sure where the line is/was between reality and delusion. I sure don’t want to go stirring up bad blood with folks I had issues with during the episode so I’m going to try to go slowly with my retelling of everything. Some memories have come back and I’ve pieced fragments of it together that I’m pretty sure of but there are a few stretches especially when I was locked into the jail that are pretty scetchy. While I was in the psychiatric hospital the words of Terence McKenna kept coming back to me. “Imagine if you were slightly odd and someone decided that you needed to be locked up. If you’ve ever been in a nut house you know that’s it’s an environment calculated to make you crazy and to keep you crazy. Mentally ill people are on par with prisoners and lost dogs in our society. Hallucinations on meth amphetimine are completely different than hallucinations experienced while on lsd or mushrooms. It is interesting though that mdma, lsd, and meth amphetimine are all crystalline in their makeup or nature. As you probably know psychedelic treatment for those who suffer from chronic depression and other ailments are on the rise. MDMA assisted psychotherapy is on the rise. People who have received a terminal cancer diagnosis have experienced a reduction in fear concerning their approaching death after a trip or two on psilocybin mushrooms studies have shown. Heavy Meth use though led me to blowing a window out of my own house with a shotgun and then fleeing hysterically with two imaginary women who I thought had guns were in hot pursuit. When I fired it was aimed where I thought they weren’t as a bluff shot. That didn’t seem to count for much when I was explaining it to the sheriffs department. The fact that it was two women with guns (in my imagination) may be kind of telling though,,, ???? live and learn,,,,

Being a human being In the New Testament Jesus is reported to have spoken about the necessity in “having your being.” Im going to now just throw out some stuff that comes to mind which is an ironic way of phrasing it. To have your being means there’s no worry about what other people are thinking because you realize that too much thinking is a disease. This disease is called neurosis. If you’ve always been an avid reader you might come to a point where your reading habits slow down a great deal because the more being you have the less driven you are to read all the time or having great concern about politics, sports, cultural trends, accounting, anticipating your next sexual encounter, endangered species, the thickness of Antarctica’s ice shelf, self conscious worry about any thing at all or impressing others. You get the idea. It could become a long list. Possibly a shorter list if sweeping all consuming generalities were used. This brings to mind Nissargadatta’s statement about enlightened awareness, he reportedly said, “Nothing is wrong anymore”. To me that would add up as something that a person with a high degree of being would say.

Thanks @tsuki It feels good to be back.?‍♂️

THE INORGANIC BEINGS ~ “THE OLD SHAMANS DISCOVERED THAT THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE IS COMPOSED OF TWIN FORCES, FORCES THAT ARE AT THE SAME TIME OPPOSED AND COMPLEMENTARY TO EACH OTHER. IT IS INESCAPABLE THAT OUR WORLD IS A TWIN WORLD. ITS OPPOSITE AND COMPLEMENTARY WORLD IS ONE POPULATED BY BEINGS THAT HAVE AWARENESS, BUT NOT AN ORGANISM. FOR THIS REASON, THE OLD SHAMANS CALLED THEM INORGANIC BEINGS. I TOLD YOU THAT IT’S OUR TWIN WORLD, SO IT’S INTIMATELY RELATED TO US. THE SORCERERS OF ANCIENT MEXICO DIDN’T THINK LIKE MOST DO IN TERMS OF SPACE AND TIME. THEY THOUGHT EXCLUSIVELY IN TERMS OF AWARENESS. TWO TYPES OF AWARENESS COEXIST WITHOUT EVER IMPINGING ON EACH OTHER, BECAUSE EACH TYPE IS ENTIRELY DIFFERENT FROM THE OTHER. THE OLD SHAMANS FACED THIS PROBLEM OF COEXISTENCE WITHOUT CONCERNING THEMSELVES WITH TIME AND SPACE. THEY REASONED THAT THE DEGREE OF AWARENESS OF ORGANIC BEINGS AND THE DEGREE OF AWARENESS OF INORGANIC BEINGS WERE SO DIFFERENT THAT BOTH COULD COEXIST WITH THE MOST MINIMAL INTERFERENCE. “ “THE INORGANIC BEINGS WHO POPULATE OUR TWIN WORLD ARE CONSIDERED, BY THE SORCERERS OF OUR LINEAGE, TO BE OUR RELATIVES. THOSE SHAMANS BELIEVED THAT IT WAS FUTILE TO MAKE FRIENDS WITH OUR FAMILY MEMBERS BECAUSE THE DEMANDS LEVIED ON US FOR SUCH FRIENDSHIPS ARE ALWAYS EXORBITANT. THAT TYPE OF INORGANIC BEING, WHO ARE OUR FIRST COUSINS, COMMUNICATE WITH US INCESSANTLY, BUT THEIR COMMUNICATION WITH US IS NOT AT THE LEVEL OF CONSCIOUS AWARENESS. IN OTHER WORDS, WE KNOW ALL ABOUT THEM IN A SUBLIMINAL WAY, WHILE THEY KNOW ALL ABOUT US IN A DELIBERATE, CONSCIOUS MANNER. THE ENERGY FROM OUR FIRST COUSINS IS A DRAG! THEY ARE AS MESSED UP AS WE ARE. LET’S SAY THAT THE ORGANIC AND INORGANIC BEINGS OF OUR TWIN WORLDS ARE THE CHILDREN OF TWO SISTERS WHO LIVE NEXT DOOR TO EACH OTHER. THEY ARE EXACTLY ALIKE ALTHOUGH THEY LOOK DIFFERENT. THEY CANNOT HELP US, AND WE CANNOT HELP THEM. PERHAPS WE COULD JOIN TOGETHER, AND MAKE A FABULOUS FAMILY BUSINESS CORPORATION, BUT THAT HASN’T HAPPENED. BOTH BRANCHES OF THE FAMILY ARE EXTREMELY TOUCHY AND TAKE OFFENCE OVER NOTHING, A TYPICAL RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN TOUCHY FIRST COUSINS. THE CRUX OF THE MATTER, THE SORCERERS OF ANCIENT MEXICO BELIEVED, IS THAT BOTH HUMAN BEINGS AND INORGANIC BEINGS FROM THE TWIN WORLDS ARE PROFOUND EGOMANIACS. ANOTHER CLASSIFICATION THAT THE SORCERERS OF ANCIENT MEXICO MADE OF THE INORGANIC BEINGS WAS THAT OF SCOUTS, OR EXPLORERS; THAT IS, THE INORGANIC BEINGS THAT COME FROM THE DEPTHS OF THE UNIVERSE, AND WHICH ARE POSSESSORS OF AWARENESS INFINITELY SHARPER AND FASTER THAN THAT OF HUMAN BEINGS. THE OLD SORCERERS SPENT GENERATIONS POLISHING THEIR CLASSIFICATION SCHEMES, AND THEIR CONCLUSIONS WERE THAT CERTAIN TYPES OF INORGANIC BEINGS FROM THE CATEGORY OF SCOUTS OR EXPLORERS, BECAUSE OF THEIR VIVACIOUSNESS, WERE AKIN TO MAN. THEY COULD MAKE LIAISONS AND ESTABLISH A SYMBIOTIC RELATION WITH MEN. THE OLD SORCERERS CALLED THESE KINDS OF INORGANIC BEINGS THE ALLIES.” “THE CRUCIAL MISTAKE OF THOSE SHAMANS WITH REFERENCE TO THIS TYPE OF INORGANIC BEING WAS TO ATTRIBUTE HUMAN CHARACTERISTICS TO THAT IMPERSONAL ENERGY AND TO BELIEVE THAT THEY COULD HARNESS IT. THEY THOUGHT OF THOSE BLOCKS OF ENERGY AS THEIR HELPERS, AND THEY RELIED ON THEM WITHOUT COMPREHENDING THAT, BEING PURE ENERGY, THEY DIDN’T HAVE THE POWER TO SUSTAIN ANY EFFORT. I’VE TOLD YOU ALL THERE IS TO KNOW ABOUT INORGANIC BEINGS. THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN PUT THIS TO THE TEST IS BY MEANS OF DIRECT EXPERIENCE.” EXTRACT FROM “THE ACTIVE SIDE OF INFINITY” BY CARLOS CASTANEDA

Thanks @fridjonk I agree with the perspective that a psychedelic trip can help show one answers to problems or maybe put a stick in the spokes of an ongoing habit or an addiction if approached in a sincere way, Unfortunately most of the cultures around the world with a center of gravity in the first tier of Spiral Dynamics just lump it all into one pile labeled drugs. Very dualistically labeled as good or bad and right or wrong. Drugs are bad, Mmkay, excuse me, Couldn’t resist. @fridjonk Thanks also for the Matt Kahn video. I’ve never seen this one. I’m about 12 minutes into it,,,, Mckenna talking about the alien other reminds me of Castenada mentioning and description of the inorganic beings who were to him, so terrifying,,,

I’m okay. Thank you for the support @mandyjw . Might pm you here sometime later. It’s been a crazy week, I’ll try to elaborate as the day goes on about my confession. I started this journal with the intention of being authentic and maybe sharing things that might be of help to others. I’m pretty sure my habit was revealed to many because a part of it was hooked to my blind spot. That thing where other people can see what’s going on with me better than I can see it myself. There were a few hints put out by a few that I’m pretty sure wasn’t projections of interpretation on my part but a part of me just didn’t want to deal with the issue.

I’ve been sequestered off in the nervous hospital incommunicado. Jeez what a trip it’s been the last 8 days

Yes. I think there are about endless biographies written on Lincoln, some of which just have to be good but for starters, I highly recommend Team of Rivals.

Hey @Alex bAlex long time no see or read,,,, Hope all is well. @Aquariusim still curious what spoken Romanian sounds like. Just in case it’s handy in one of your YouTubes.