Zigzag Idiot

Conventional people scare me. They disturb and depress me if I dwell on how they take in the world. The collective ego rules their decisions for the most part it seems and it’s why they’re capable of about anything. They walk around in spiritual sleep justifying and labeling everything before them dualistically as either good or bad. I shit on their capricious God. That’s an outrageous thing to say but I don’t care. Their God is not my God. But look at me now infected by that darkness and stupidity. These are things a Super Idiot or an Arch Idiot would say. Maybe it’s out my system now for a while. If I had good sense this post would get hid tomorrow morning when I wake up. I’ve reflected too much today on lives lived in institutions and the mind numbing, soul crushing effect this has on these unfortunate people. In his latest video Leo discussed Wisdom. From one of my favorite websites devoted to wisdom comes this definition- Wisdom is the ability to live coherently in a chaotic world. It requires the "knowledge behind the knowledge". http://www.chanceandchoice.com/course-overview/introduction/ And some inspired poetry from this site as well. Penned by Arnold Keyserling. Sorrow No one would make the decisive step without sorrow and doubt. But taking that step has nothing to do with sadness. It is shed like the skin of a snake. The darkness is able to generate the right reason, one more difficult, but also better, than the next. But it will not always be so. Some day love will shine upon you. Then sorrow will simply be the undertone of the resulting harmony. The path is there from the very beginning. Sometimes it is easier, sometimes harder. But one thing is essential: the depth emerges from the strength of sorrow. Without sorrow there is no course; without the course the path is not passable. Mourn – not over the self – but over what is yet to be done. Each day brings further sorrows, and eventually you will reach the original cause of sorrow. Then you can finally begin the ascent back. Rejoice in your sorrow, for the darkness will not remain with you much longer. Community of Joy Whoever trusts in himself, and respects every friend as a co-worker, will find a community of joy, which in the past was a rare exception and the lot of only a few.

Fear of the Next One by Dr. Jim Rosen ©2021 Dr. Jim Rosen If you've ever had a panic attack, you know what I'm talking about. You can be going along fine, and then seemingly out of nowhere, you're struck. When it happens, it's so intense and frightening, from then on you're afraid of having another one. This "fear of the next one" can create a vicious cycle. Panic is a very high level of anxiety. But there are many situations in life that generate moderate, normal levels of anxiety. If you've had a panic attack in the past, you tend to misinterpret and "awfulize" these normal anxieties. Fear steps in and you immediately leap to the thought, "Oh no! Here it comes again!" Your fear reaction heightens the anxiety and bumps it up to a much higher level. So now you're really scared. And there goes your heart rate and that rapid breathing, etc, and the fear of dying. But you're not dying. As frightening as they feel, panic attacks are very treatable. You can expect success. But you need to discriminate. A first important step in your treatment is learning to recognize and tolerate the normal levels of anxiety. I was recently accused of having anger issues. This was from a person who does have anger issues. They just projected their own issue out onto me. My chief feature or blindspot is fear. Particularly in the form of doubt ,,, about everything. This is not to say I never get angry. I do sometimes. It’s nearly a full time job disguising my cowardice but I’ve been doing it a long time. On very rare occasions though I feel courageous and it feels good. It feels clean and natural and doubt is nowhere to be seen.

A good song for processing anger. An old song with an eerie melody that I had forgotten about.

Fred Flintstone portraying Al Pacino’s role in Scarface. Wouldn’t this apply as recontextualion?

Another Enneagram resource. Could be helpful in typing oneself,,,,

Below is a post I made a while back concerning b!indsposts or chief feature as it's called in the Fourth Way. think Red Hawk referred to one's 'chief feature' as it's called in the Fourth Way also as one's 'blind spot'. There was a similar thing in Scientology. I think it was called one's 'ruin' I certainly don't like to group The Fourth Way and Scientology together, though. Scientology is definitely a cult and as a general rule Fourth Way Teachers will try to run people off by offending them or other ways. Gurdjieff did this as well to insure that only people who were really sincere about working on themselves would be the ones to stick around, regarding whatever bullshit they had to put up with. Side note- This has to do with the Title of his magnum opus- Beelzebub's Tales To His Grandson. Being offensive in this way, Beelzebub aka The Devil, guaranteed Religous people would stay away and for the most part only the highly educated would be drawn in out of curiosity or as he put it, if they had a magnetic center. Someone with magnetic center is someone who has a natural inclination for gathering knowledge as well as working on oneself. Back to chief feature. Jane Heap, a student of Gurdjieff's, boiled it down to a short list. She said chief feature is usually based on one of five things- Greed, Fear, Sex, Lying, or self Pride. So chief feature, in being also a part of the makeup of one's psychological blind spot has to do with how we usually react. If anyone reading this is aware of the phenomena where people see one another's foibles better than they can see their own,, This is the ball park, so to speak. If you tell someone what their chief feature is. They won't believe you,, Through radical honesty and long self observation, one has to learn it for themselves. The goal isn't to be rid of it but to know it and be it's Master. One's chief feature is said also to be a distorted reflection of a personal virtue. For instance, fear becomes courage,,, Chief feature can also be a combination of Greed-Fear-Lying-Sex-self Pride. One has to be willing to observe over a long period of time, one's own habitual reactions. This process is definitely linked to the Science of Idiotism.

So far as dealing with one,s inner critic. I highly recommended this 20 page pamphlet for anyone on the ‘path’. It’s only $4. Only available here https://shop.diamondapproach.org/products/work-on-the-superego I’m pretty sure.

I’ve read about all of Hawkins books except Letting Go, but I bet it is really good. Soul without Shame by Byron Brown was a book that I got a lot of good out of.

I loaded these on my browser last night but never hit the button. oops I was wrong The YouTube Leo posted in his blog is really good,,, disturbing though. This is it.

In the Fourth way cosmology everything eats and gets eaten. The term reciprocal maintenance is used. If we live a good life we get eaten by Archangels. The ray of creation it’s called and it’s makeup parallels or resembles the musical octave. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ray_of_Creation Years ago I learned about the notion that if you have a problem that’s bothering you, you need another problem that just as perplexing. A problem of comparable magnitude. Once you have 2 problems of comparable magnitude you can reflect on how well you had it when there was only one problem.

Gallows humor ,,,,

For others here who find themselves near this territory. The following two books might give some comfort. Interior Castle by Teresa of Avila and Dark Night of the Soul from St. John of the Cross.

@Preety_India Take heart. You're not as far gone as I am. You seem to have come out of your shell compared to when I first joined. Don't be to hard on yourself and go too far with self criticism. You are loved.

Well I went to my first Narcotics Anonymous meeting. It's structured exactly like Alcoholic's Anonymous. This twelve step program is definitely one that works. I believe what makes them work so well is the spiritual aspect of it. God is defined very loosely but is still a center point around which many aspects of the program is focused. There is a lot of humility and expressions of love and support. All groups are different though depending on the dynamic from each group of unique people. This was a good group for sure. Ninety percent seemed to be there voluntarily. I was trying to shake hands and they were all trying to hug me which is fine. I normally don't get into hugging mode until someone has died and then I want to hug everyone I'm around if I catch them standing still or approaching me like they want to hug. I really need to work on myself in this regard and be more open and natural with hugging. I've heard that some groups where most everyone is there because of a court mandate can sometimes be an absolute joke in regards maintaining sobriety. They turn into meetings for making new and better connections,,, but tonight's group wasn't like that. They were all sincere people. I could feel myself crawfishing in a hurry though. Not because I don't want to continue to be clean but because I dread the thought of these meetings taking up a part of my life. That sounds terrible I know. I don't physically crave meth like I used to crave alcohol and I'm not depressed either. Meetings like this used to be good for me when I craved alcohol and I was depressed and overwhelmed by life. But even then I got tired of going to meetings. Partly because I did attend some that weren't very good. The group dynamic that is. Being that I don't really crave meth and that I actually have good days and enjoy life I can see me having my fill in a hurry and just dropping out. There was actually a couple of people there that would probably be great sponcers. I just feel resistant to get this ball to rolling. This organization still considers cannabis to be harmful, not to mention psychedelics. In a few weeks I would probably start running my unconventional mouth and corrupt some of these good folks and I don't want to do that. I know this probably sounds arrogant in a way or that I think I'm above it. I'm not. Don't know how to explain myself. I'm not desperate enough... That sounds bad and not quite accurate. I'm too unconventional. There's truth in that but it still doesn' t do justice for an adequate explantation.. I should just shut up about this I guess. All I'm doing is incriminating myself. In a way,,, The test is going to be - HOW MY LIFE GOES. Plain and simple I guess. I did go ahead and pay $12 for the NA 'big book 'though. I enjoyed reading the AA big book years ago, with all the personal stories even though most of them were pretty sad. They were very real though. I'm not going to make up my mind tonight though. Believe I'll start some reading,,,, I feel like a Squirming Idiot,,,

@fridjonk Thanks brother man. Put in a day of fairly strenuous physical labor. Should sleep a little better tonight. Hopefully. Going to my first Narcotics Anonymous meeting in a few minutes. I'll see how that goes and report back later.

Well,,,, @fridjonk To be honest, there’s a few things I do regret. I appreciate the sentiment though, anyway. I outed myself and sent my niece a link to my Journal. The first member of my family that I’ve shared this with. She would probably find it interesting @fridjonk that you live in Iceland and raise sheep. Im trying to get my sleep pattern turned back around and adjusted more toward a healthy daytime work oriented lifestyle. As you can see the time it is now, I’m not doing all that good. I come by bouts of insomnia honestly. My mother has always struggled with insomnia. I was born on her birthday also. That has to mean something. I should maybe watch documentaries of a dull nature perhaps in the evening instead of listening to music. I grew up before the internet came about. It seems like it was a lot easier to achieve boredom back then as compared to now,,,, I watched this about an hour ago. It wasn’t bad. I’m ready for Leo to release something again. I’m not implying Leo’s videos are boring. Much to the contrary. I most always find them interesting. He’s got quite a few older ones that I haven’t watched. I may start watching some of those. I’m getting sleepy. That’s a good sign,,,

Usually just by having dirty fingernails and just being myself keeps most of these types from hardly ever coming around. Maybe acting like an over the top nice guy that wears ragged cloths and carrys a Scientology Volunteer ministers handbook around. That might just do it. Good luck,,,,

@tsuki Hope your time in nature this weekend allows you ground and reenergize, 'Fuck you superego' if maybe said with light-hearted childlike defiance mght possibly d raw out the nature spirits or cosmic helpers that are specifically needed. Maybe through the performing the rtcm about it too, To see if your inner truth is revealing the higher truths that are uniquely perfect for you to receive,. Anyhow,, have a good time friend

Im grateful to be a free man and have the opportunity to enjoy the simple things in life. Like a fire built behind my house on a winter evening to stand around and hear the coyotes yip and howl.

I don’t believe in the devil or any kind of separate entity that is pure evil. This excerpt from the Ridhwan library is one of my favorite on the subject but there are some more that’s worth reading over. All Spiritual Work Would be Pointless if There Were Such a Thing as Ultimate Evil As we have seen, each Holy Idea is a characteristic of reality at all locations, at all times, and at all levels. Holy Truth explicates this understanding. Here, we are saying that not only is reality just one presence that is boundless and real, but that it is also positive, blissful, and wonderful. So not only is God one, but God is also wonderful and made of love. The truth, then, is loving and lovable, which is why we say in the Diamond Approach that you must love truth for its own sake. If your orientation is that you love truth so that it will change you and make you a happier person, your orientation is out of sync with how things objectively are; if you see reality as it is, you can’t help but love it. It follows, then, that objectively there is no evil. We see evil only when we perceive reality through a filter. A person who behaves in what we consider evil ways is a person acting through a distortion. In spiritual work, concepts of a devil, of dark forces, of some evil that exists on its own outside of the goodness of reality are considered manifestations of ignorance, both in terms of believing in such concepts and in terms of the manifestations attributed to such forces. All spiritual work would be pointless if there were such a thing as ultimate evil. Facets of Unity, pg. 215 There are 3 more excerpts about evil at this link. https://www.diamondapproach.org/glossary/refinery_phrases/evil For whatever it’s worth, I believe our own ego or separate sense of self is the Devil. I was reflecting today on how I try again and again to be respectful of others, nonviolent and basically passive in the face of others transgressions but inevitably I end up reacting at some point. Sometimes just in small ways. Maybe becoming a little negative and saying something kind of smart ass which does no good at all or every now and then completely forgetting myself and acting like a complete dick. Having to face this recurring part of my ego helps me to get in touch with my own nothingness. If that makes any sense. Maurice Nicoll in Gems of Wisdom has many good quotes around this subject. https://inner-world-books.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/Gems_of_Wisdom.pdf NEGATIVE STATES II “In dealing with negative states, look at the ‘I’ in you and not at the person with whom you are negative. The real cause of the negative state is the ‘I’ that is speaking in you...Its only object is to make you negative and absorb as much of your force as it can. Every negative ‘I’ has only one purpose—to get hold of you and feed upon you and strengthen itself at your expense.” V. 1, p. 162 ATTRACTING HELP “It is a necessary part of this Work that everyone must eventually pass, to see in himself by sincere observation, how he clings to his negative emotions with one hand and tries to free himself with the other. The Work inevitably leads everyone to the same places and the same experiences. A man must reach the point of discerning his own helplessness—of realizing his own mechanicalness. And this, if it is not a negative experience, will bring him into a state of self-remember- ing. Through seeing his helplessness he attracts help.” V. 1, p.85 TRANSFORMING IMPRESSIONS V “How can a man bring the work up to the place of incoming impressions? In brief, by remembering the work emotionally. The more a man through right self-observation feels his own helplessness, the more he realizes his ignorance, the more he sees his mechanicalness and that he is a machine, the more he perceives his own utter nothingness, the more emotional will the work become in him.” V. 1, p. 58 I remember my father at times and how he had the patience for the most part to suffer fools gladly as the saying goes. He left this earth 15 years ago but with the help of my memories of his character he still teaches me at times.

Enjoyed this talk from Stan Grof this morning. Thought it deserved a bump. Thanks for posting it @acidgoofy Great screen name by the way! ?

I’m ok,, in a relative sense. My diagnosis was drug induced temporary psychosis and I can go along with that. One nurse told me that she’s seen people who kept going back and indulging in meth and the price was that eventually the schizophrenic hallucinations at some point just never go away. I thought that sense I had done quite a bit of shadow work and purifying of the emotional center that I was exempt from flipping my lid. Guess I was wrong. After 3 days with no sleep my hallucinations became 3D and aggressive towards me. One problem with recounting everything is that I’m not really sure where the line is/was between reality and delusion. I sure don’t want to go stirring up bad blood with folks I had issues with during the episode so I’m going to try to go slowly with my retelling of everything. Some memories have come back and I’ve pieced fragments of it together that I’m pretty sure of but there are a few stretches especially when I was locked into the jail that are pretty scetchy. While I was in the psychiatric hospital the words of Terence McKenna kept coming back to me. “Imagine if you were slightly odd and someone decided that you needed to be locked up. If you’ve ever been in a nut house you know that’s it’s an environment calculated to make you crazy and to keep you crazy. Mentally ill people are on par with prisoners and lost dogs in our society. Hallucinations on meth amphetimine are completely different than hallucinations experienced while on lsd or mushrooms. It is interesting though that mdma, lsd, and meth amphetimine are all crystalline in their makeup or nature. As you probably know psychedelic treatment for those who suffer from chronic depression and other ailments are on the rise. MDMA assisted psychotherapy is on the rise. People who have received a terminal cancer diagnosis have experienced a reduction in fear concerning their approaching death after a trip or two on psilocybin mushrooms studies have shown. Heavy Meth use though led me to blowing a window out of my own house with a shotgun and then fleeing hysterically with two imaginary women who I thought had guns were in hot pursuit. When I fired it was aimed where I thought they weren’t as a bluff shot. That didn’t seem to count for much when I was explaining it to the sheriffs department. The fact that it was two women with guns (in my imagination) may be kind of telling though,,, ???? live and learn,,,,