Zigzag Idiot

Dog and Butterfly is one of my favorite songs by Heart.. I don’t really know why. I liked the old David Bowie songs posted a few days ago.

I’ve already said that I rightly belong within some category of rednecks and there is a wide variety of categories. The same goes with Academics. Leo raked Academics in general over the coals pretty good in his last video. I put in that little preamble/disclaimer, what ever it is, so I could take the opportunity to pile on. In his book Higher Being Bodies, Ocke de Boer discuses the differing views of two well known Dutch Scientists. One a cardiologist and the others neurologist. When the neurologist starts making fun of the cardiologist for stating that consciousness can be seen apart from the brain and he begins to comment on spirituality, Ocke says he begins to embody a strange mixture of arrogance and humbleness— so often to be found in academics. That little quote really stuck with me. Probably because I got a big chuckle out of it This is the section of the book where Ocke is discussing the scale of Being. Human #4 is someone who has balanced their centers and is awoke somewhat.Human #4 knows that they are in Plato’s cave. This is a big achievement. Humans #1, #2, and #3 are lopsided in one of the centers, instinctual, emotional, or intellectual. Anyone who is awakened, which are humans #5 #6, and #7 knows that real intelligence means the position of a phenomenon in the scale of Being, and the influences to which this phenomenon is open in relation to higher worlds. They also know that they have to hide, if they don’t want to be pecked to death. For anyone who has studied Gurdjieff or the Fourth Way, I highly recommend Ocke de Boers two books. Higher Being Bodies and Two Souls. If you haven’t already studied Gurdjieff’s Works, I don’t think you’ll get much from them. I have to confess though that I’m somewhere between believing and knowing Some of the phenomena I know, but not all.

Be non-ideological Leo advises in his latest video addressing some points concerning whether or not actualized.org could be considered a cult. So watch it and decide for yourself. I began this journal about 2 1/2 years ago. The following quote from the work of A.H.Almaas was where I got my signature phrase of being a Universal heretic. It was included in one of my first entries in this journal. It’s not only profound but hilarious when Almaas also writes “Most of us don’t have the nerve to lose our minds.” ? From the beginning I observed parallels between Leo’s work and Almaas’ Diamond Approach Teaching. To be non-ideological is very similar to the notion of being a universal heretic. This is Almaas- We Have to Risk the Aloneness and the Terror of Being Totally on Our Own To have a free mind is to be a universal heretic. You don’t believe in the ultimate reality of any concept. You can assume any belief you find useful and attractive, but you don’t need to hold on to any of it. Without being captured by your beliefs, you are strong enough and confident enough to throw away any and all beliefs and perspectives, each and every philosophy and story. You can stand totally alone, completely independent of all that comes through the mind, through time and space. This station of realization is difficult and rare. Most of us don’t have the nerve to lose our minds. Although terrifying, it is necessary for true freedom. We have to risk that we may be wrong. We have to risk the aloneness and the terror of being totally on our own. We have to risk cutting all of our supports, burning all of our bridges, destroying all of our boats. They are all ultimately and fundamentally concepts that come from hearsay or, at best, from our own past experiences. Even the concepts and knowledge that have come from our own immediate experiences cannot be relied on. That knowledge is like Buddha’s words—old, unless corroborated in this moment. Maybe a week ago you had an experience of realization, but how do you know that will be the same today? Who said that God won’t change or that self-realization should continue being the same today? In other words, we cannot hold on to any concept past our direct experience of it; otherwise, what we’re doing is believing a story. Whether someone else’s or our own, a story is a story, not true reality here and now. To be truly independent and autonomous, we need to be free from the concepts acquired from others as well as our own past experiences. Diamond Heart Book Five, pg. 63 Back to Zigzag Idiot paraphrasing someone somewhere- To be free from narrative consciousness is a big thing. It means no more compulsive thinking. It begins with recognition of a state change. Recognizing you’ve parked in a free space of inner quiet. Realizing you can add your own spiritual coin to the parking meter. You earn spiritual coin by working on yourself instead of pointing the finger at others. To work on oneself means you can forgive others because you realize your own bullshit but it stops going that far. There is no forgiveness necessary because understanding intervenes and as a result, you understand. In understanding is peace. The human condition is one of a strange forgetting and the resultant amnesia and confusion which arrives and invites in identification and projections and all that stuff. You can use light heartedness to put a stick in the spokes of spinning monkey mind but you have to remember. Most everyone’s state of being is in constant flux.

That sounds cool to me and not just to or from the personal pronouns that’s used. If that makes any sense. Sounds like you’re acting spontaneously through the essence of being, to try to phrase it another way. I admire you’re willingness to put yourself out there in front of the camera. I’m not able to that it seems. It takes a lot of courage to willingly be vulnerable. I let go of that being something to aim for in expressing,,,,, I’m ok with being the way I am, though. Ive used terminology connected with a Fourth Way point of view in the past trying to communicate. I’m trying not to do that because it’s looks like my trying to highjack the conversation. I’ve caught myself doing that in a lot of conversations with different people. Everyone has been pretty gracious about it. Just wanted to express that about you living through being. It’s pretty neutral phrasing IMO and also out myself in acknowledgment of my use of words that may come across as dogmatic sometimes in conversations. Gotta go. Just heard someone in the driveway. Have a good day.

Meditation Retreat Campground I’m thinking more about opening a meditation retreat campground. I live on a rather unique 9 acre wooded hill. No Quad or dirt bike enthusiasts and no beer drinking hell raisers will be allowed. No loud or noisy people or groups, I’m not going to coordinate anything practice wise or baby sit people. Just simply provide a fairly peaceful environment. That’s roughy the plan for now. Maybe 6 campsites and possibly the loft in my house every now and then. Not sure though. I need to make a little income and I think it might work ok. A friend told me about hippie camp grounds that are scattered around the country and advertised. I might find an advertisement venue there or maybe more directly with people who are seriously into meditation and would like to do an intensive meditation for a few days in a quiet country setting. My plans will probably change a few times in the process. Over this past winter I’ve been clearing the brush and briar thickets out and it’s starting to look nice. There are a lot of wild vines growing up from the ground into the trees that I’ve left. I’m ready for everything to green up. I think it’s going to look pretty cool.

The descriptions are similar to an episode I had a few tears ago that I correlated with what many call the Dark night of the Soul phenomena. It felt crushing and devastating. I ordered Saint John’s Work - Dark Night of the Soul and also Saint Teresa’s Interior Castle which I seem to get more from. My Dark night of the Soul hit suddenly but seemed to depart gradually over probably about a two month period. It’s similar in nature to what Christina Grof and Jana Dixon among others refer to as a Spiritual emergency. One of the experiences that stood out to me was the distinct feeling that - “ I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy” which was an outlook that didn’t stick permanently but enough that the memory of it has never completely left. So later, roughly put, whenever I got into some kind of petty emotion or anger towards someone, I could draw on the memory of that terrible time and gain a bit of sobriety in emotion to allow a feeling of empathy back internally towards whoever triggered me. I consider it an aftermath of an awakening experience. We awaken, then we die but then we’re born again,,,,

Why do some people feel empty? In short, It coincides with the development of ego structures which alienates one’s own experience from the essential aspects of Being. This happens to everyone to some extent although there are many who successfully defend against the experience of it Although just a rogue student of the Ridhwan School, their explanation about this was one of the contributing factors for me digging deeper into their Teaching. Genesis of Deficient Emptiness We propose the following hypothesis ......: * At birth the human infant has no sense of self. * He is Being. He is his being without knowledge or self-consciousness. There is no mental functioning yet. * Slowly, through experiences of pleasure and pain, memory traces are retained, forming the first self-impressions (self-representations). * As the infant starts taking himself to be this or that (this or that self-image) he separates from his sense of Being, because any image is not his being. * As the ego-identity and sense of self develop and become stable, the contact with Being in its various aspects and qualities is mostly lost. The extent of the loss also depends on the adequacy of the environment and the infant’s relation to it. * The process of loss of contact with Being leaves a sense of deficiency, a state of deficient emptiness, as if the Being is left with many holes in it. The deficient emptiness is the state of the absence of contact with or awareness of Being. * Space, which is the open dimension of Being, is lost in the formation of the self-image. This self-image includes the unconscious body-image of having a genital hole. * For the normal individual, the development of the personality happens relatively smoothly. The self is highly integrated and stays stable throughout most of one’s life. * In those with mental disorders, for reasons already known in depth psychology, the development of the personality and its sense of self is incomplete, or happens with various distortions, malformations, or inadequacies. The Void, pg. 127 I thought that this explanation dovetails well with many of the replies given by other actualized members,,,, There are roughly eight more excerpts about deficient emptiness to be found at the link below. https://www.diamondapproach.org/glossary/refinery_phrases/deficient-emptiness

@Sea I agree with @neovox who gets right to the point. Reading your post I felt a glimpse into your inner world and felt a similarity with my past somewhat. I didn’t understand the concept of what a successful individuation process meant until well into adulthood. A part of this process involves dealing with the internalized voice or inner critic in one, which is commonly the voice of the dominant parent (caregiver) aka super ego. My gut tells me you may benefit as I did by becoming more familiar with the individuation process and dealing with super ego attacks which can perpetuate doubts within oneself. Maybe find some YouTube’s to start with if this idea appeals to you. Good luck

I’ve been scanning Almaas’ glossary the past few evenings. There are 17 different categories associated with ego. There are good excerpts to be found in all categories. Ego structures - https://www.diamondapproach.org/glossary/refinery_phrases/ego-structures -is one such category but I drew two excerpts from the category of ego death to contribute to this thread. https://www.diamondapproach.org/glossary/refinery_phrases/ego-death Cessation of the Activity of Identifying The capacity for global disidentification allows us to be permanently in touch with our essential presence, although the identity and the self-representation remains in experience. This condition allows the experience of self-realization to arise, at least occasionally, when the identity relaxes to the extent of total absorption by (or into) essential presence. The more this capacity for global disidentification develops, the more frequent, and the deeper, are the experiences of self-realization. This development continues, in principle, until permanent, full self-realization, where total global disidentification coincides with complete absorption of the self-representation, and complete openness and flexibility of identity. Complete flexibility of identity raises the phenomenon of disidentification to a new level, beyond the normal egoic experience. This flexibility involves the dissolution of self-identity, or more accurately, the cessation of the activity of identifying. This condition, which occurs in isolated experiences of self-realization, but is the permanent condition of full self-realization (enlightenment), is what is referred to by some traditions as "ego death" or "the death of the self." In this state of complete annihilation of identity, one does not have identity in the usual sense; our identity is now with the presence of Being. In other words, our identity has shifted from the self-representation to Being. The Point of Existence, pg. 129 Ego Death Feels as if Everybody Else is Dead To be completely you means being alone. When this is experienced, it will bring very deep grief and sadness. You have to learn to say good-bye to everything you have loved -- not just your Mommy and Daddy, your boyfriend and your cat, but to your feelings, your mind, your ideas. You are in love with all of these. Letting go of them will feel like a great loss, even a death. It is not you who dies. What dies is everyone else. In the experience of ego death, you don't feel you're dying; you feel everybody else is dead. You feel you're all alone, totally alone. You have lost a boundary which was constructed from past experiences. But this boundary never really existed! It was just a belief. When you experience reality as it is, there is no sense of boundaries or of being separate, of inside or outside. Diamond Heart Book Two, pg. 169

Chemical Messages by Dr. Jim Rosen ©2021 Dr. Jim Rosen First they get you to believe that depression is caused by a chemical imbalance. Then they work on you to think the same about anxiety. But keep in mind that "they" are multi-billion dollar drug corporations and they want you to buy their products for the rest of your life. They don't want you to actually overcome and conquer your problems, which requires you to untangle the messes in your life. If you buy into their messages that it's all chemical, then you buy into the belief that you have no control over your own life. You may notice that you feel somewhat better after you take a particular chemical, but that doesn't mean you are deficient in that chemical or that your require it for your well being. Consider that lots of people claim to feel better after they have a few drinks or smoke a cigarette. The pharmaceutical companies keep expanding into other areas to increase their wealth. So don't be surprised if they try to get you to believe that even your self-esteem is a chemical issue. You are not a victim. Nor are you a prisoner. You have the power to choose, and you can choose to really become healthier.

This is an area that I still have to work on also. Self observation over time keeps revealing this. My boundaries shift a lot which becomes a two edged sword, at times. In the past there have been people who hated me just because they didn’t like the way I look. Some of these times I didn’t even know they felt that way. If I had known, it would really have hurt my feelings. More often though as time has gone on. I feel indifferent about others hating on me for no reason. Often because I see their viewing the world through their own projections. They live in a hell of their own making like I’ve also done in the past, and at times, still do. I’m not invulnerable though, but it’s a loosely held goal.

There’s a lower percentage of of these actualized individuals the higher you go up the Spiral. So I would say maybe difficult but not impossible. Working on oneself in integration and psychologically individuating might allow synchronicity to help produce what your looking for. It seems to me though that the higher one moves up the Spiral, aspects of oneself will die off making the felt sense of strong desire become less in a weird way. As a lot of guys reading this may notice, speaking as a guy, that the less one’s neediness becomes the more women become interested ,,,, This has been something I’ve noticed all my life and was especially frustrating for me in youth. The guys who appear not to give a shit have women chasing them from every direction while as the saying goes, the nice guys finish last. Not that I was a nice guy but definitely full of doubts and insecure in taking action.

A version of Porco could easily exist. The way I understand Spiral Dynamics is that we have all the levels within us. As we move up the spiral we transcend and include each level. Red energy is a natural expression within one’s sexuality. So someone who has moved on into tier 2 could really be an interesting character. Nonviolent yet fully able to let their animal nature express itself. Let me know if this is a closed journal and I’ll hide my post.

@seeking_brilliance I agree. The thought came to me just a second ago in relation to the virtues expressed in the enneagram. Perhaps a combination of someone expressing courage, faith, will, equanimity, Love, omniscience, and truth. Exuberance came to mind also but it’s not related to the enneagram specifically. Exuberance could also be somewhat egoic in attitude ,,,,,? ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, The Oracle of the Cosmic Way - “Even a lean pig has it in him to rage around” I consulted the I CHING first thing this morning. Carol Anthony and Hanna Moog kept some of the metaphors from the old I CHING in their reproduction and some of them are quite humorous. In my reading I got hexagram 44 - Coming to Meet -lines 1 and 4 producing a second hexagram which was 9 - The Taming Power of the Small. In line 1 of hexagram 44 it says - “Even a lean pig has it in him to rage around.” I’m putting some of this text below if anyone is interested in looking at it out of curiosity.

I wasn’t watching what I was doing. It’s been a busy day In Terence’s video above I especially get a kick out of 1:30 -2:00 or so,,, Thank you @seeking_brilliance and anytime you feel inspired to share something, please do. Y’all have to watch about giving me compliments like people who can drink and know the influence they may have on alcoholics in their lives. I get self-congratulatory really easy. Sneaking in forms of boasting and bragging,,, or think I’m sneaking. Everything goes around and around. Pride goeth before a fall, the saying goes. I’ve fallen countless times and doubt that I’ve reached my end in that regard. Lots of experience I’ve had being the fool. Remembering ‘beginners mind’ helps the process there I’ve found. Most of the time. Below is the video I meant to post this morning.

I shared this book with a friend a couple of years ago and rereading it recently she pointed this out to me last week. From Robert Sardello’s book Silence- This reminds me of one of Hans Wilhelm’s short video’s I don’t go for all of this but find it really interesting. It isn’t a belief I hold but just something that seems really worth pondering.

Good deal. I’m glad I shared it then and you’re very welcome. In most Fourth Way Schools/ groups it’s often pointed out how the “intellectual center” is the slowest of the 3 centers with emotional center being faster and instinctual center being the fastest. Good thinking, it can then be argued is slow. What’s often viewed as the most seeming intelligent, being witty, is actually the mechanical part of the intellectual center, thought by association represented by the jack of diamonds. Quick but shallow, in a sense. King of diamonds is slower in speed but extremely deliberate. People whose center of gravity is in the emotional part of the intellectual center, queen of diamonds are the ones who will often have 10 books going at once and are excited about knowledge in general. Just throwing in some trivia,,,, ?

L-arginine - an inexpensive amino acid provides the raw material from which the body makes nitric oxide, a molecule that helps relax and open blood vessels which furthers new and improved hard-ons as well.

Thinking back it seems spans of time were experienced differently. Two years preteen to early twenties felt about equal to 6-8 years in my 30’s. I’ve felt nostalgia through just about all age ranges. A second grader nostalgic over the long bygone days of kindergarten. A 20 year old having nostalgia in regard to times of misbehaving as a 17 year old,,, etc. When older and witnessing it in younger folks it almost felt a little cringeworthy when related to this phenomena in myself. In the older seeing it in the younger it felt a bit silly. It helped me to observe it in others and associating it with my own experience gaining in self awareness though a bit uncomfortably.

I’ve noticed this phenomena also. In myself years ago and then later with younger people. Good question also. I’m not sure how I would answer it spontaneously. Might chime in later. I’ll be interested in the responses to this post.

Attitude Adjustment by Dr. Jim Rosen ©2021 Dr. Jim Rosen Attitude determines a lot. Attitude is the way we look at the world. Attitude is the maker of the lenses we wear on our eyes. I know this guy who's a "sourpuss." He keeps thinking that life is handing him a raw deal. What he doesn't see is his part in it. He looks for the bad stuff; he expects bad stuff to happen; he exudes an attitude of "bad stuff is around every corner." The world accommodates him by giving back what he puts out. But he can learn to adjust his attitude. We can all learn to see in ways that clear up the image and promote our well being. Everyone has bad things - painful things - happen in their life. It's often attitude that makes the difference. It's not a matter of telling yourself positive or peppy statements you don't believe. It's not that simple. Rose-colored glasses don't give a true picture of the world, either. Attitude adjustment is learned by changing your focus, by evaluating situations with an open mind, and by frequently practicing new behaviors.

Clapton is singing about love with a small L. Nothing wrong with that I guess. I can see the value in listening to music that has no lyrics. We’re so affected by language. More so than I ever thought. There’s a part of me that’s a bit of a music freak. I try to watch it though.

I been pretty busy lately. Just ran across this short clip that I liked the message of.

Some say allow yourself to feel everything fully and not repress or dissociate but don’t express it outwardly. This is a difficult practice called purifying of the emotional center.To be able to sit with uncomfortable states can then after a period bring about a more balanced condition. Although or maybe because it’s difficult, it pays good dividends, so to speak. I’ve experienced this phenomena but I’m not done with my work yet.