Zigzag Idiot

So I tackled a few shitty jobs today. It was a good day to do it because I felt centered and peaceful. Not always do I feel centered and peaceful. But neither do I experience the emotional turmoil that I did 20-30 years ago. I've neglected my well pump and pressure tank over the years. When I finshed building my house back in 1995-96, I was so sick of carpentry that come fall, I would just throw a few square bales around it and call it good. Some years I would throw a tarp the over pressure tank pump and pressure switch and scatter loose hay over it for insulation. A few years here lately I would just throw all my old clothes that were ready for the rag pile onto the pump and then throw a tarp or some plastic over it all. Well this morning I went out to clear around the pump so could build a nice insulated pump house. When I tried to find earth around the pump I encountered layer upon layer of haystring, rotted tarps, insulation, and old half rotted clothes. Mixed in was some fine looking electric extension cord plus a nice section of 6 guage high voltage wire. Fine looking extension cord is anything thats not rotted or has bad insulation. I cut the plug in cord off every appliance I throw away. The heavier ones with three prongs I'll use to put on old extention cords. The female ends I usually get new at the store. I do the same thing with garden hoses. Patch with splices and attach new ends whenever necessary. if for some reason I need to run out a 1/4 mile of water or electric line, ,,,,,,, no sweat. It took me all morning using box cutter, pruning shears, pry bar, shovel, 420 Honda quad and chain. At mid day I was soaked with sweat and short of breath but I had dug down to fresh earth around the well pump. This afternoon I went and cut garage door panels as jigsaw pieces for a small well pump house. My father had bought a couple of semi loads of these things that had been culled at the manufacturing plant. This was 30 years ago and the things are still worthy a building material. Mostly they're 2 foot wide in random lengths. You can cut them the way you can roofing tin. Just turn the blade around backward on a skill saw and lay into it,,,, You just have to watch out for the carbide saw teeth as they fly off the blade on the first cut. With the blade turned around the saw will still eat through the tin. One problem though is the massive noise polution you put out into the world. The terrible growling whine made by a skillsaw cutting tin is just God-awful. On a still day it will echo for miles. It will make your ears ring. The chorus of crickets that I often hear sounded like they were on a frozen lake. This only lasted for an hour or two. ,,,, I take that back. i payed closer attention just now and their sound still isn't back to what sounds normal. I didn't mention. Last night I had rather long and vivid dreams. Thinking of them this morning early started the day good.

Sometimes being awake means that most everywhere you look, you see things that make you cry, because of their beauty. in this beauty is the inherent meaning in which any words of description completely fail to do justice.

Change vs. transformation is a topic worthy of consideration. As it sometimes happens with those who struggle with alcohol addiction. There can come a time when an inner seeing takes place and they may experience a moment of clarity. With that moment of clarity comes the willingness to endure the suffering that lay ahead of them in order to move past their accute addiction. The enduring of this friction within themselves is alchemical. It produces a transformation. Sometimes this inner struggle moves one as well from the realm of mind to the realm of Being. Below is a diagram produced by Dwight Ott, a former Teacher of mine of the Fourth Way and esoteric Christianity. Metanoia, a transliteration of the Greek μετάνοια, means after-thought or beyond-thought, with meta meaning "after" or "beyond" and nous meaning "mind". It is commonly understood as "a transformative change of heart; especially: a spiritual conversion." From Wikipedia

it's tricky from a certain perspective when you consider that the self esteem that's usually pitched and is pretty much a necessity equates as fundamental narcissism which is often overlooked. When speaking of narcissism people are usually taking about pathological narcissism. But in Self Realization self identity is out the window. I like these quotes from Almaas. Approaching the Dimension of Essential Presence We Inevitably Confront the Narcissism Inherent in Our Disconnection from that Presence When a person is working on self-realization, this narcissism is increasingly exposed; in fact, it is usually aggravated for some time. When we approach the dimension of essential presence we inevitably confront the narcissism inherent in our disconnection from that presence. The success of the work on self-realization depends, to a great degree, upon successfully resolving the arousal and intensification of narcissistic manifestations. The narcissism of everyday life is much more ubiquitous, much deeper, and much more significant than we usually allow ourselves to see. However, it dissolves steadily in the deeper stages of self-realization. Full self-realization completely eliminates this narcissism, for it is not natural to the realized self The Point of Existence, pg. 27 Complete Resolution of Narcissism Requires that We Cease to use Self-representations for Self-recognition Before we embark on this exploration, we need to address the significance of the above discussion with respect to narcissism. Our observation that the deepest root of narcissism is the absence of self-realization and the additional observation that in full self-realization the normal sense of identity dissolves, combine to give us a deep insight about narcissism: The presence of the normal identity is the root of narcissism. This implies two further insights, at different levels of the self. The first is that not only is normal identity fundamentally weak and vulnerable, but its very existence is responsible for this weakness, and thus it cannot become completely stable. In other words, the normal self (or more accurately, the ego-self) is inherently narcissistic because its identity is inherently weak and vulnerable. This weakness is due to the inevitable incompleteness of the self-representation, and therefore cannot be eliminated as long as the self-representation forms our sense of identity. Second, since the fundamental narcissism of everyday life is an expression of normal identity, complete resolution of narcissism requires that we cease to use self-representations for self-recognition. The Point of Existence, pg. 129 Taken from; https://www.diamondapproach.org/glossary/refinery_phrases/narcissism-everyday-life

An excerpt from a favorite article of mine. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Only years later did Professor Tart learn that he had the CIA to thank for all of the LSD he ingested in those experiments. In the early nineteen sixties the CIA had set up dummy foundations to secretly fund research into psychedelic drugs. They wanted to know if there was any military potential to these strange new psychological drugs. They found the drugs were powerful, and potentially dangerous, but the experience of God was found to have no military value. Although not all unwitting government guinea pigs were as fortunate as Charles Tart, he, at least, was eternally grateful to the CIA. ,,,,,,,,,,, Taken from; https://schoolofwisdom.com/laws-of-wisdom/the-problem-of-the-subtle-sybil-effect/ This article, written by Ralph Losey, provides a good explanation of one of our common human conditions which is also a huge blind spot. That being our psychological fracturedness which necessitates the need for integration. This process of integration is a key element in the overall goal of what Dr. Carl Jung described as individuation. If actualization is your goal. This idea of integration and individuation lay at the very heart or foundation. I highly recommend this article for anyone interested in the goal of actualization of your human potential.

i went to a reputable therapist a few years ago and unloaded all the lowdown, shameful, dirty, corrupt, humiliating events and episodes that i could recall. My attempt at some proactive shadow work. i feel it helped me and I would recommend it to others who may be so inclined. Just be sure and comfortable with the therapist you pick. 5 or 6 appointments was all it took. it really does help to unload that stuff in front of another human being. a therapist who has been around for a while has probably heard it all and will not be judgemental.

RE; Is it "easier' to reach non-dual states as a male? I think not. @OneHandClap @Jakuchu I agree. Rhetorical question,,, Who are those that are more able to become passive towards themselves or their personality? Specifically their thoughts and opinions, beliefs, etc.,, Maybe nondual capacity in contemporary women is overlooked because of the blindspots and prejudices inherent in our dying patriarchical paradigm,,,

It's feels nice when someone expresses their Love for you. Those who Love are the most blessed, though.

Reaching Up "Your Personal Fulfillment" by Dr. Jim Rosen ©2021 Dr. Jim Rosen Personal fulfillment comes from doing things that are meaningful to you. So the important things in life aren’t really things at all. They are your ongoing activities – your personal involvement in working, learning, growing, and loving. We can lump these together and call them your inner development. If you invest yourself in your inner development, you will learn and grow, and your learning and growing will add to your fulfillment. Fulfillment means that you feel whole and complete, and that your life has purpose and meaning. Without fulfillment, without purpose and meaning in your life, there is a strong tendency to feel empty inside and get depressed. Please keep in mind that therapy can very much help you with your inner development and lead you to a more purposeful, meaningful life. Each of the steps you take in the positive direction, either with therapy or on your own, will add to your good feelings. It’s a process, and all along the way you get to feel better and then better some more. So take the steps. It may seem like you’re taking risks, but these are healthy risks. Make the decision to try some things that fill you up, and then do them boldly.

Crying upside down will stop-up your sinuses really bad. A miracle inverts perception which was upside down before, and thus it ends the strange distortions that were manifest. Now is perception open to the truth. - From ACIM

Reaching Up "A Few Keys to Enjoyment" by Dr. Jim Rosen ©2021 Dr. Jim Rosen You can make the decision to enjoy. You make many, many decisions that determine how you feel. You can make this one, too. Deciding to enjoy means that you’re focusing on the present moment because that’s the only time where joy is. So you decide to do an enjoyable something right now. Small basic things are often the best. This can include playing in your garden, listening to music, reading a few pages of a good book, playing with your kids or your animals, having lunch with a friend. The list is as long as you want to make it. Evaluating your experience or judging the other people involved surely takes away from your joy. To enhance joy, you want to be right here in it. So do your best to suspend judging and evaluating. Instead, embrace what happens and how things unfold. This also means that you decide to let go of attempts to control the moment. Allow the moment. Don’t try to push it one way or another. If you also decide to give the thing that you want to receive, you will surely receive it. Give moments of joy to others. Keep it at the top of your to do list. And when you can’t be with them, see them joyous and whole in your mind’s eye. And remember that love and joy and peace all go together. As my good friend Tom used to say, “now go play.”

Lsd I have an appreciation for Terence Mckenna referencing Lsd as being "psychological Drano". He had a preference for mushrooms. Even though I greatly appreciate Mckenna's knowledge and way of expressing, I equate myself as being more of a 'Timothy Leary' in nature. Apart from microdosing, which I've never tried. I've correlated low doses (50- 150 ug) with unpleasant trips because of the minds tendency to resist the onset of the trip. Or rather in the past I noticed this tendency in myself. So my approach has been to take a good stout dose 400-500 ug. Then be overwhelmed by the substance. Finding myself being flung right into the experience. Being spontaneous and a bit reckless is just my counterphobic personality giving expression perhaps. This would probably typify me as a not-so-responsible psychonaut. A distinct felt sense of creative thinking, especially through the written word is very much a part of my trips. Long, drawn out vivid dreams often occur during the comedown or right after my lsd trips. A felt sense of being cleansed is often an after-effect and so for me, "psychological Drano" is appropriately descriptive.

My favorite enneagram book.

Objective self observation In a rather long conversation a few days ago. I asked this person I was talking with if they could recall an instance in their life when they had been passive-aggressive towards someone. They reflected for a moment or two and then said, "no, I don't think I have ever been passive aggressive towards anyone." They then replied with something like. "I'm just not that kind of person". This is someone I've known all my life. You could have knocked me over with a feather. We all don't see how much we psychologically project onto others nor do we clearly observe all of our own shitty little behaviors like when we're offended or under stress. There's a good reason Leo has done a three part series on self deception,,,,,

I really appreciate your journal and relate quite a bit to a few things you have written about. You express yourself well. if this is a closed journal, let me know and I'll hide this post.

,,,,,,Purity? Cherubim babies long for my innocence.,,,,,, ,,,,,,My worst habit is, I get so tired of winter I become a torture to those I'm with,,,,,,,

Tough times I've been through some rough patches in the span of my life leading up to now. Luckily the past 10-15 years hasn't had the ups and down that prevailed especially in my twenties. In 2005 at age 38, it felt truly like a 'dark night of the Soul' kind of experience. At the time I ordered Dark Night Of The Soul by Saint John of the Cross. I got more solace though from Teresa of Avila's Work - Interior Castle. A few months after this dark night episode I experienced another rather bizarre phenomena. One morning while doing some tractor work I began bursting into tears with a ridiculous frequency. These crying episodes stopped almost as quickly as they began. Like 2 or 3 times a minute. This went on for nearly four hours. I haven't experienced anything like it before or since. I felt a need to communicate this. Almost a responsibility because I know there are those in this community who may experience extreme emotional turmoil at times. It may show up as a long lasting, chronic, deep depression which I experienced in my early twenties. Or maybe a grinding pressure of existential angst which has cropped up in my life on a few occasions. Sometimes with the flavor of what Stan and Christina Grof described as a spiritual emergency or perhaps what some would refer to as being a part of a kundalini awakening, Maybe this admission of fragility of my historical emotional existence might help someone who needs a little hope that. as the saying goes, - This too shall pass. There are times when this may seem like an impossibility. i should have written more here and elaborated some but maybe another time.... http://www.biologyofkundalini.com/ = Good resource

You're Angry Back by Dr. Jim Rosen ©2021 Dr. Jim Rosen If I get angry, and you get angry back, you have just released me from my responsibilities in the conflict. That's the way the human psyche is wired. Because you reacted and got angry too, I'm off the hook. Now I don't have to face myself in the mirror and look at my problems. You're the one who reacted last, so your image is the one in that psychological mirror. I can't possibly feel responsible when I can't see myself there. But if I get angry and you don't, now I'm stuck. Now I have to look at myself, because it's only my image in the mirror. Again, that's the way the human mind is wired to respond. So if you want me to take responsibility for my own stuff, let me get angry while you stay calm and collected. Don't let my anger push your buttons. But if you do get angry on the inside, don't get angry back. In other words, don't show your anger - give the appearance of calm on the outside - walk away and calmly think about it. That way I still see myself in the mirror.

The Teachings of Don Juan A man of knowledge is one who has followed truthfully the hardships of learning, a man who has, without rushing or without faltering, gone as far as he can in unravelling the secrets of power and knowledge. To become a man of knowledge one must challenge and defeat his four natural enemies. When a man starts to learn, he is never clear about his objectives. His purpose is faulty; his intent is vague. He hopes for rewards that will never materialize for he knows nothing of the hardships of learning. He slowly begins to learn--bit by bit at first, then in big chunks. And his thoughts soon clash. What he learns is never what he pictured, or imagined, and so he begins to be afraid. Learning is never what one expects. Every step of learning is a new task, and the fear the man is experiencing begins to mount mercilessly, unyieldingly. His purpose becomes a battlefield. And thus he has stumbled upon the first of his natural enemies: fear! A terrible enemy--treacherous, and difficult to overcome. It remains concealed at every turn of the way, prowling, waiting. And if the man, terrified in its presence, runs away, his enemy will have put an end to his quest and he will never learn. He will never become a man of knowledge. He will perhaps be a bully, or a harmless, scared man; at any rate, he will be a defeated man. His first enemy will have put an end to his cravings. It is not possible for a man to abandon himself to fear for years, then finally conquer it. If he gives in to fear he will never conquer it, because he will shy away from learning and never try again. But if he tries to learn for years in the midst of his fear, he will eventually conquer it because he will never have really abandoned himself to it. Therefore he must not run away. He must defy his fear, and in spite of it he must take the next step in learning, and the next, and the next. He must be fully afraid, and yet he must not stop. That is the rule! And a moment will come when his first enemy retreats. The man begins to feel sure of himself. His intent becomes stronger. Learning is no longer a terrifying task. When this joyful moment comes, the man can say without hesitation that he has defeated his first natural enemy. It happens little by little, and yet the fear is vanquished suddenly and fast. Once a man has vanquished fear, he is free from it for the rest of his life because, instead of fear, he has acquired clarity--a clarity of mind which erases fear. By then a man knows his desires; he knows how to satisfy those desires. He can anticipate the new steps of learning and a sharp clarity surrounds everything. The man feels that nothing is concealed. And thus he has encountered his second enemy: Clarity! That clarity of mind, which is so hard to obtain, dispels fear, but also blinds. It forces the man never to doubt himself. It gives him the assurance he can do anything he pleases, for he sees clearly into everything. And he is courageous because he is clear, and he stops at nothing because he is clear. But all that is a mistake; it is like something incomplete. If the man yields to this make-believe power, he has succumbed to his second enemy and will be patient when he should rush. And he will fumble with learning until he winds up incapable of learning anything more. His second enemy has just stopped him cold from trying to become a man of knowledge. Instead, the man may turn into a buoyant warrior, or a clown. Yet the clarity for which he has paid so dearly will never change to darkness and fear again. He will be clear as long as he lives, but he will no longer learn, or yearn for, anything. He must do what he did with fear: he must defy his clarity and use it only to see, and wait patiently and measure carefully before taking new steps; he must think, above all, that his clarity is almost a mistake. And a moment will come when he will understand that his clarity was only a point before his eyes. And thus he will have overcome his second enemy, and will arrive at a position where nothing can harm him anymore. This will not be a mistake. It will not be only a point before his eyes. It will be true power. He will know at this point that the power he has been pursuing for so long is finally his. He can do with it whatever he pleases. His ally is at his command. His wish is the rule. He sees all that is around him. But he has also come across his third enemy: Power! Power is the strongest of all enemies. And naturally the easiest thing to do is to give in; after all, the man is truly invincible. He commands; he begins by taking calculated risks, and ends in making rules, because he is a master. A man at this stage hardly notices his third enemy closing in on him. And suddenly, without knowing, he will certainly have lost the battle. His enemy will have turned him into a cruel, capricious man, but he will never lose his clarity or his power. A man who is defeated by power dies without really knowing how to handle it. Power is only a burden upon his fate. Such a man has no command over himself, and cannot tell when or how to use his power. Once one of these enemies overpowers a man there is nothing he can do. It is not possible, for instance, that a man who is defeated by power may see his error and mend his ways. Once a man gives in he is through. If, however, he is temporarily blinded by power, and then refuses it, his battle is still on. That means he is still trying to become a man of knowledge. A man is defeated only when he no longer tries, and abandons himself. He has to come to realize that the power he has seemingly conquered is in reality never his. He must keep himself in line at all times, handling carefully and faithfully all that he has learned. If he can see that clarity and power, without his control over himself, are worse than mistakes, he will reach a point where everything is held in check. He will know then when and how to use his power. And thus he will have defeated his third enemy. The man will be, by then, at the end of his journey of learning, and almost without warning he will come upon the last of his enemies: Old age! This enemy is the cruelest of all, the one he won't be able to defeat completely, but only fight away. This is the time when a man has no more fears, no more impatient clarity of mind--a time when all his power is in check, but also the time when he has an unyielding desire to rest. If he gives in totally to his desire to lie down and forget, if he soothes himself in tiredness, he will have lost his last round, and his enemy will cut him down into a feeble old creature. His desire to retreat will overrule all his clarity, his power, and his knowledge. But if the man sloughs off his tiredness, and lives his fate though, he can then be called a man of knowledge, if only for the brief moment when he succeeds in fighting off his last, invincible enemy. That moment of clarity, power, and knowledge is enough. Anything is one of a million paths. Therefore you must always keep in mind that a path is only a path; if you feel you should not follow it, you must not stay with it under any conditions. To have such clarity you must lead a disciplined life. Only then will you know that any path is only a path and there is no affront, to oneself or to others, in dropping it if that is what your heart tells you to do. But your decision to keep on the path or to leave it must be free of fear or ambition. I warn you. Look at every path closely and deliberately. Try it as many times as you think necessary. This question is one that only a very old man asks. Does this path have a heart? All paths are the same: they lead nowhere. They are paths going through the bush, or into the bush. In my own life I could say I have traversed long long paths, but I am not anywhere. Does this path have a heart? If it does, the path is good; if it doesn't, it is of no use. Both paths lead nowhere; but one has a heart, the other doesn't. One makes for a joyful journey; as long as you follow it, you are one with it. The other will make you curse your life. One makes you strong; the other weakens you. Before you embark on any path ask the question: Does this path have a heart? If the answer is no, you will know it, and then you must choose another path. The trouble is nobody asks the question; and when a man finally realizes that he has taken a path without a heart, the path is ready to kill him. At that point very few men can stop to deliberate, and leave the path. A path without a heart is never enjoyable. You have to work hard even to take it. On the other hand, a path with heart is easy; it does not make you work at liking it. I have told you that to choose a path you must be free from fear and ambition. The desire to learn is not ambition. It is our lot as men to want to know. The path without a heart will turn against men and destroy them. It does not take much to die, and to seek death is to seek nothing. For me there is only the traveling on the paths that have a heart, on any path that may have a heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge for me is to traverse its full length. And there I travel--looking, looking, breathlessly.

@LastThursday I'm sure Dr. Jim would be glad to hear this kind of feedback. By the way, if anyone is wanting to seek therapy from him, I'll pass along his Phone number or email but only if I get his permission. He lives near Hot Springs Arkansas but does counseling over the phone now. Especially since the COVID epidemic began.

If the Cause is Still There... by Dr. Jim Rosen ©2021 Dr. Jim Rosen Can you get rid of depression if you don’t remove the cause? There are five major causes of depression, and they are these: #1 is the experience of loss and life change, because you have to say goodbye and let go of the person or lifestyle that is no longer available. #2 is when you have unmet emotional needs. This unfulfilled piece of you generates feelings of hopelessness, and this makes depression. #3 is when you look inside and you see an unacceptable part of yourself. This makes pressure to bury that part, to repress it, to put the lid on it. Repression causes depression, because it robs you of your ability to be a whole person. #4 is the "impossible dream." When you try to acquire your self-worth from other people, it’s an impossible task. It is a never-ending attempt to win love and approval from something outside yourself. It causes frequent disappointments and giving-up, and this points straight to depression. #5 is the lack of purpose, meaning or direction in your life. When you are not striving toward something personally meaningful, your life becomes empty and you get depressed. These are the five major causes of depression. All the drugs in the world will not remove the causes of your depression. You need real psychotherapy that addresses the real causes. Then your prognosis for overcoming depression is remarkably good.

MINDFULNESS Deliberateness is a good word to remember. Or maybe two words - Being deliberate. I read an article about mindfulness years ago in which the advice given was to go about whatever you do in a deliberate way. It really struck a chord with me. Now, years later I can call on that word and my inner world will shift if it needs to. To slow down, to let go of neurotic thought and go about whatever I’m doing in a deliberate way.

I meant well but I get what you are saying. You are right from a certain perspective.