Zigzag Idiot

Tough times I've been through some rough patches in the span of my life leading up to now. Luckily the past 10-15 years hasn't had the ups and down that prevailed especially in my twenties. In 2005 at age 38, it felt truly like a 'dark night of the Soul' kind of experience. At the time I ordered Dark Night Of The Soul by Saint John of the Cross. I got more solace though from Teresa of Avila's Work - Interior Castle. A few months after this dark night episode I experienced another rather bizarre phenomena. One morning while doing some tractor work I began bursting into tears with a ridiculous frequency. These crying episodes stopped almost as quickly as they began. Like 2 or 3 times a minute. This went on for nearly four hours. I haven't experienced anything like it before or since. I felt a need to communicate this. Almost a responsibility because I know there are those in this community who may experience extreme emotional turmoil at times. It may show up as a long lasting, chronic, deep depression which I experienced in my early twenties. Or maybe a grinding pressure of existential angst which has cropped up in my life on a few occasions. Sometimes with the flavor of what Stan and Christina Grof described as a spiritual emergency or perhaps what some would refer to as being a part of a kundalini awakening, Maybe this admission of fragility of my historical emotional existence might help someone who needs a little hope that. as the saying goes, - This too shall pass. There are times when this may seem like an impossibility. i should have written more here and elaborated some but maybe another time.... http://www.biologyofkundalini.com/ = Good resource

You're Angry Back by Dr. Jim Rosen ©2021 Dr. Jim Rosen If I get angry, and you get angry back, you have just released me from my responsibilities in the conflict. That's the way the human psyche is wired. Because you reacted and got angry too, I'm off the hook. Now I don't have to face myself in the mirror and look at my problems. You're the one who reacted last, so your image is the one in that psychological mirror. I can't possibly feel responsible when I can't see myself there. But if I get angry and you don't, now I'm stuck. Now I have to look at myself, because it's only my image in the mirror. Again, that's the way the human mind is wired to respond. So if you want me to take responsibility for my own stuff, let me get angry while you stay calm and collected. Don't let my anger push your buttons. But if you do get angry on the inside, don't get angry back. In other words, don't show your anger - give the appearance of calm on the outside - walk away and calmly think about it. That way I still see myself in the mirror.

The Teachings of Don Juan A man of knowledge is one who has followed truthfully the hardships of learning, a man who has, without rushing or without faltering, gone as far as he can in unravelling the secrets of power and knowledge. To become a man of knowledge one must challenge and defeat his four natural enemies. When a man starts to learn, he is never clear about his objectives. His purpose is faulty; his intent is vague. He hopes for rewards that will never materialize for he knows nothing of the hardships of learning. He slowly begins to learn--bit by bit at first, then in big chunks. And his thoughts soon clash. What he learns is never what he pictured, or imagined, and so he begins to be afraid. Learning is never what one expects. Every step of learning is a new task, and the fear the man is experiencing begins to mount mercilessly, unyieldingly. His purpose becomes a battlefield. And thus he has stumbled upon the first of his natural enemies: fear! A terrible enemy--treacherous, and difficult to overcome. It remains concealed at every turn of the way, prowling, waiting. And if the man, terrified in its presence, runs away, his enemy will have put an end to his quest and he will never learn. He will never become a man of knowledge. He will perhaps be a bully, or a harmless, scared man; at any rate, he will be a defeated man. His first enemy will have put an end to his cravings. It is not possible for a man to abandon himself to fear for years, then finally conquer it. If he gives in to fear he will never conquer it, because he will shy away from learning and never try again. But if he tries to learn for years in the midst of his fear, he will eventually conquer it because he will never have really abandoned himself to it. Therefore he must not run away. He must defy his fear, and in spite of it he must take the next step in learning, and the next, and the next. He must be fully afraid, and yet he must not stop. That is the rule! And a moment will come when his first enemy retreats. The man begins to feel sure of himself. His intent becomes stronger. Learning is no longer a terrifying task. When this joyful moment comes, the man can say without hesitation that he has defeated his first natural enemy. It happens little by little, and yet the fear is vanquished suddenly and fast. Once a man has vanquished fear, he is free from it for the rest of his life because, instead of fear, he has acquired clarity--a clarity of mind which erases fear. By then a man knows his desires; he knows how to satisfy those desires. He can anticipate the new steps of learning and a sharp clarity surrounds everything. The man feels that nothing is concealed. And thus he has encountered his second enemy: Clarity! That clarity of mind, which is so hard to obtain, dispels fear, but also blinds. It forces the man never to doubt himself. It gives him the assurance he can do anything he pleases, for he sees clearly into everything. And he is courageous because he is clear, and he stops at nothing because he is clear. But all that is a mistake; it is like something incomplete. If the man yields to this make-believe power, he has succumbed to his second enemy and will be patient when he should rush. And he will fumble with learning until he winds up incapable of learning anything more. His second enemy has just stopped him cold from trying to become a man of knowledge. Instead, the man may turn into a buoyant warrior, or a clown. Yet the clarity for which he has paid so dearly will never change to darkness and fear again. He will be clear as long as he lives, but he will no longer learn, or yearn for, anything. He must do what he did with fear: he must defy his clarity and use it only to see, and wait patiently and measure carefully before taking new steps; he must think, above all, that his clarity is almost a mistake. And a moment will come when he will understand that his clarity was only a point before his eyes. And thus he will have overcome his second enemy, and will arrive at a position where nothing can harm him anymore. This will not be a mistake. It will not be only a point before his eyes. It will be true power. He will know at this point that the power he has been pursuing for so long is finally his. He can do with it whatever he pleases. His ally is at his command. His wish is the rule. He sees all that is around him. But he has also come across his third enemy: Power! Power is the strongest of all enemies. And naturally the easiest thing to do is to give in; after all, the man is truly invincible. He commands; he begins by taking calculated risks, and ends in making rules, because he is a master. A man at this stage hardly notices his third enemy closing in on him. And suddenly, without knowing, he will certainly have lost the battle. His enemy will have turned him into a cruel, capricious man, but he will never lose his clarity or his power. A man who is defeated by power dies without really knowing how to handle it. Power is only a burden upon his fate. Such a man has no command over himself, and cannot tell when or how to use his power. Once one of these enemies overpowers a man there is nothing he can do. It is not possible, for instance, that a man who is defeated by power may see his error and mend his ways. Once a man gives in he is through. If, however, he is temporarily blinded by power, and then refuses it, his battle is still on. That means he is still trying to become a man of knowledge. A man is defeated only when he no longer tries, and abandons himself. He has to come to realize that the power he has seemingly conquered is in reality never his. He must keep himself in line at all times, handling carefully and faithfully all that he has learned. If he can see that clarity and power, without his control over himself, are worse than mistakes, he will reach a point where everything is held in check. He will know then when and how to use his power. And thus he will have defeated his third enemy. The man will be, by then, at the end of his journey of learning, and almost without warning he will come upon the last of his enemies: Old age! This enemy is the cruelest of all, the one he won't be able to defeat completely, but only fight away. This is the time when a man has no more fears, no more impatient clarity of mind--a time when all his power is in check, but also the time when he has an unyielding desire to rest. If he gives in totally to his desire to lie down and forget, if he soothes himself in tiredness, he will have lost his last round, and his enemy will cut him down into a feeble old creature. His desire to retreat will overrule all his clarity, his power, and his knowledge. But if the man sloughs off his tiredness, and lives his fate though, he can then be called a man of knowledge, if only for the brief moment when he succeeds in fighting off his last, invincible enemy. That moment of clarity, power, and knowledge is enough. Anything is one of a million paths. Therefore you must always keep in mind that a path is only a path; if you feel you should not follow it, you must not stay with it under any conditions. To have such clarity you must lead a disciplined life. Only then will you know that any path is only a path and there is no affront, to oneself or to others, in dropping it if that is what your heart tells you to do. But your decision to keep on the path or to leave it must be free of fear or ambition. I warn you. Look at every path closely and deliberately. Try it as many times as you think necessary. This question is one that only a very old man asks. Does this path have a heart? All paths are the same: they lead nowhere. They are paths going through the bush, or into the bush. In my own life I could say I have traversed long long paths, but I am not anywhere. Does this path have a heart? If it does, the path is good; if it doesn't, it is of no use. Both paths lead nowhere; but one has a heart, the other doesn't. One makes for a joyful journey; as long as you follow it, you are one with it. The other will make you curse your life. One makes you strong; the other weakens you. Before you embark on any path ask the question: Does this path have a heart? If the answer is no, you will know it, and then you must choose another path. The trouble is nobody asks the question; and when a man finally realizes that he has taken a path without a heart, the path is ready to kill him. At that point very few men can stop to deliberate, and leave the path. A path without a heart is never enjoyable. You have to work hard even to take it. On the other hand, a path with heart is easy; it does not make you work at liking it. I have told you that to choose a path you must be free from fear and ambition. The desire to learn is not ambition. It is our lot as men to want to know. The path without a heart will turn against men and destroy them. It does not take much to die, and to seek death is to seek nothing. For me there is only the traveling on the paths that have a heart, on any path that may have a heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge for me is to traverse its full length. And there I travel--looking, looking, breathlessly.

@LastThursday I'm sure Dr. Jim would be glad to hear this kind of feedback. By the way, if anyone is wanting to seek therapy from him, I'll pass along his Phone number or email but only if I get his permission. He lives near Hot Springs Arkansas but does counseling over the phone now. Especially since the COVID epidemic began.

If the Cause is Still There... by Dr. Jim Rosen ©2021 Dr. Jim Rosen Can you get rid of depression if you don’t remove the cause? There are five major causes of depression, and they are these: #1 is the experience of loss and life change, because you have to say goodbye and let go of the person or lifestyle that is no longer available. #2 is when you have unmet emotional needs. This unfulfilled piece of you generates feelings of hopelessness, and this makes depression. #3 is when you look inside and you see an unacceptable part of yourself. This makes pressure to bury that part, to repress it, to put the lid on it. Repression causes depression, because it robs you of your ability to be a whole person. #4 is the "impossible dream." When you try to acquire your self-worth from other people, it’s an impossible task. It is a never-ending attempt to win love and approval from something outside yourself. It causes frequent disappointments and giving-up, and this points straight to depression. #5 is the lack of purpose, meaning or direction in your life. When you are not striving toward something personally meaningful, your life becomes empty and you get depressed. These are the five major causes of depression. All the drugs in the world will not remove the causes of your depression. You need real psychotherapy that addresses the real causes. Then your prognosis for overcoming depression is remarkably good.

MINDFULNESS Deliberateness is a good word to remember. Or maybe two words - Being deliberate. I read an article about mindfulness years ago in which the advice given was to go about whatever you do in a deliberate way. It really struck a chord with me. Now, years later I can call on that word and my inner world will shift if it needs to. To slow down, to let go of neurotic thought and go about whatever I’m doing in a deliberate way.

I meant well but I get what you are saying. You are right from a certain perspective.

I agree with your statement here. I’m wondering if this self sabotaging phenomena is a characteristic of a personality type. I’m an enneatype 6 specifically a counterphobic 6. A trait which I feel is similar is one that was with me a good deal in childhood. Being that as soon as someone complimented my accomplishments, I would just go to pot. As the saying goes.@SLuxy I’m curious if you’ve enneatyped yourself? I don’t know. It was just a thought that this phenomena - As soon as things start to go well I quit. - Is hooked to a certain personality type. In hindsight I see it has been a pattern in my life to a degree.

Before the age of the internet and I was still a drinker of alcohol, life was hell and suffering. The radio stations that I listened to would play their golden oldies show with old ‘what’s his name’ on the weekend. He would talk about how things were groovy. It greatly diminished my estimation of that 1/2 to 1 generation older than me and caused me to perceive them as simple minded which produced a subtle form of boomerang guilt. Of the two or three radio stations that I listened to, invariably the one that played the golden oldies show would come through on Saturday and then the same phenomena would occur on Sunday. This always compounded the suffering and confusion which accompanied my hangovers. It made me want to claw my eyes out. This was before I had an appreciation for silence and always had to have the radio going so I could dissociate, at least to a small degree, from reality. Below is a sample of the songs that were played.

Maybe.ponder the following below and hold it loosely. If it’s not true for you, it’s not true. childhood conditioning = acquired conscience = herd mentality = group think and cultural approval = internal dialog = inner critic = confusion = the outside is inside = mind Wisdom born of suffering = Individuation = awakened conscience = the small still voice = inner truth = presence = inner quiet = clarity = the inside is outside = Being

I don’t know much about these Authors but you might find their books interesting James Redfield’s novels - (Metaphysical/ Spiritual) The Celestine Prophesy and The Tenth insight. Seems like there was a third in this series. Robert Pirsig’s (Philosophical) -Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance and it’s sequel - Lila I liked Lila better

Dualistic thinking just perpetuates the problems.

@SriSriJustinBieber I agree With our current penal system inmates just become institutionalized. If someone goes in for much time at all there’s a good chance they will be more prone to criminal behavior when they get out. They’re branded as a convicted felon and scapegoated by society more often than not. Their prejudiced against when looking for a legitimate job or finding a place to rent. They’re branded with permanent blame which results in a permanent stain of guilt. The Prisons we currently have are crooked and are for profit not rehabilitation. The system we have Is broken and it needs to be fixed by applying some common sense measures and utilizing perhaps some S.D. tier 2 people ,,,, ?‍♂️ Just a thought,, I don’t deny that there is a small percentage who will not rehabilitate and are just pathological.

ACIM Review I’m thinking of organizing a reading or review (however you want to call it) for A Course In Miracles. This idea was suggested to me a while back from an Actualized.org member. I’ll create a journal specifically for it here in this section assuming it’s ok with @Leo Gura It’ll be set for a year schedule. I won’t be doing the workbook lessons but for those who want to join and read along, I recommend the workbook lessons for those who have never done the course. Either way it’s up to each individual to decide for themselves. Participation will be voluntary. Those who want to follow along silently are welcome to do so. Announcing this was spontaneous. I just wanted to give a heads up, throw out a rough guideline, and gauge interest. I welcome questions and suggestions,,,, https://acim.org/acim/en

Funny,,,, Yesterday in @mandyjw’s Journal I used Martin Butlers admission about being somewhat uncomfortable in front of the camera as reasoning for me not to push my comfort zone. Particularly in relation to expressing myself on video. Today, after 3 years of doing his podcast, he appears in front of the camera. Ha! Am I going to reverse my decision about letting myself off the hook for not working at being a good public speaker? ,,,, Not right now. It will be my decision and not connected with whatever Martin Butler does even though I have some respect for his perspectives.

,,,,,,Whoever is calm and sensible is insane You that come to birth and bring the mysteries your voice-thunder makes us very happy Roar, lion of the heart and tear me open I would love to kiss you The price of kissing is your life Now my loving is running toward my life shouting What a bargain, let's buy it,,,,

I found this pretty interesting. She discusses emotional purification in a round about way. The effects of low consciousness, negativity, etc.,, on the subtle body,,,, I really resonated with her statement that healing comes through understanding,,,

This reminds me of a practice that helps one with not identifying in which you agree with everybody for 1/2 of the day and then disagree with everyone for the other 1/2 of the day. Identifying completely with ones own point of view it seems to me is at the heart of most conflicts and arguments. Unfortunately I still observe this tendency in myself on occasion. How do you deal with people who are extremist on either side of the covid debate? Practice non-identifying or non-attachment ???‍♂️

I watched Scarface repeatedly as a teenager until I could say everyone’s lines as the movie played. Lord of the Rings has been a favorite for sure. The original Star Wars with its prequels and sequels really affected me. I was 10 years old when it came out. Lonesome Dove and Missouri Breaks and the original Rooster Cogburn with John Wayne and Glen Campbell are my favorite westerns. I don’t consider Little Big Man or Dances with Wolves ‘Westerns’. These two movies are in a league of their own. Little Big man delivers some profound truths but in a quirky way. I’ve hardly watched any movies in the last twenty years. Inception was good. What Dreams May Come, Life Is Beautiful, The Sixth Sense and Contact with Jodie Foster affected me deeply. Im going to make it a point to watch Sunshine and The Last Airbender from what y’all have said,,,,

Negative Merging https://www.diamondapproach.org/glossary/refinery_phrases/negative-merging There are some good excerpts here about negative merging. This phrase is used referring to the bond between mother and infant during the symbiotic phase. This phenomena can greatly affect a person throughout their life in interfering with the development of trust and having confidence. For those who find it of interest you may also like the excerpts about basic trust- https://www.diamondapproach.org/glossary/refinery_phrases/basic-trust

This email showed up today I went ahead and registered. It’s free,,,, Dear David, The experience of nondual awareness can give us the sense that we are one with everything. Settling into this awareness, our familiar conceptual boundaries around self, other, and world dissolve into an unbounded unity. Since this often ushers in positive states, like peacefulness or belonging, many people strive for nondual experiences in their spiritual practice, and many spiritual teachers try to elicit them. Modern nondual teachings owe much to the Indian tradition of nonduality known as Advaita Vedanta, and this Saturday at 10am Pacific, A. H. Almaas, the founder of the Diamond Approach, will be offering a free lecture about some of the most widely known Vedantic teachings of our time, situating them in their Indian origins. He is aiming to help those interested in this tradition understand what the classical Vedantic teaching requires from students—something not often emphasized by Western teachers of nonduality. Register for 'Advaita Vedanta: Western Expressions' The lecture will last approximately 75 minutes, and will be followed by a question and comment period. This lecture is the fourth in a six-part series Almaas is giving this year, in which he is delving into some often-overlooked nuances in the works of some of the world’s highly regarded spiritual teachers and traditions. Read more about the full 2021 A.H. Almaas Lecture Series here and join us for his upcoming talk on Advaita Vedanta. I clicked on the link given which the contained the following - The Ridhwan Foundation, the home of the Diamond Approach teaching, is pleased to be offering the 2021 A. H. Almaas Lecture Series for free thanks to the generosity of a donor. All are welcome to attend at no charge.* We look forward to seeing you at the lecture! The Ridhwan Foundation P.S. After Saturday's lecture, we will be sharing a recording and handout with everyone who has registered. Even if you can’t attend live, registering will ensure you receive access to these resources. Advaita Vedanta: Western Expressions Date/Time: September 18, 10am-12:00pm Pacific Find your local time The first texts of Advaita Vedanta, a nondual teaching of Hinduism, date to 500 CE. Through the ages, it has remained a powerful force in India. The great 20th-century teacher Ramana Maharshi employed Vedantic methods of inquiry into the nature of the self. His spiritual path centered on the question, “Who am I?” Many streams of Advaita Vedanta came to the west from India. The teachings of Ramakrishna were brought to the west by Vivekananda. Maharishi Mahesh Yogi brought another lineage of both Vedanta and Advaita Vedanta westward. Some nondual teachers in the west trace their teachings back to Atmananda and his direct path. This transplanting of Indian spirituality onto new soil has led some people to wonder if something has been lost, or misconstrued, along the way. In this lecture, Almaas will explore some of the most widely known Vedantic teachings of our times and situate them within their Indian origins, to help those interested in the rich tradition of Advaita Vedanta to understand what the classical teaching requires from students—something that is not often emphasized by Western teachers of nonduality. The lecture will last approximately 75 minutes followed by a question and comment period. For those who may be interested this link should work which I just gathered from the Diamond Approach website. https://online.diamondapproach.org/a-h-almaas-lecture-series-or-ahls-wi21/

Years ago I bought this dvd and watched it many times. It has some morsels in it. I’ve never really read any of Jung’s books but have read those who have studied Jung. For those who don’t know much about this great pioneering psychologist this documentary should be of some help besides being quite interesting and somewhat entertaining.

@mandyjw I remember giving you encouragement to continue with making YouTube’s even though at the time you were saying things I didn’t really agree with. It was maybe a couple of years ago. One reason I did was because I saw in you a willingness to put yourself out there. That was a courageous willingness that I didn’t have. And still don’t really. I’ve let go of the inner criticism to push beyond my comfort zone in that regard though, and let go of the idea that I need to be a more polished speaker who is comfortable in front of the camera. Hearing Martin Butler confess his reluctance for being in front of the camera kind of made this notion click for me. So it’s definitely possible that I’m seen as a hypocrite instead of being comfortable with paradox but I care less of what others think of me as time goes on which is a huge improvement from being a lifelong people pleaser. I feel I’m speaking my inner truth when I claim that what’s true and good for me might not be true and good for you and vice versa. So seeing you continue with expressing your inner truth in your own way encourages me to continue expressing my inner truth in my own way. In case there are any Zen Devils or know-it-all’s reading this who feel compelled to lecture me regarding the idea of separate self, it should be known that I still carry a permit allowing me to use personal pronouns as freely as I choose even though technically or in appearance the “I” may be only an “i” and only one of the crew members aboard this ship of fools who fight over the helm and act as spokesperson when given a chance. As Leo said concerning some of his videos 2 or 3 years ago which I will paraphrase. ,,,,This doesn’t need to be taken literally. This is poetry. Abstraction abounds somewhat here,,,,,

Wisdom given to me years ago from a friend. i said i was infatuated with her. She made a solemn face and said, “That doesn’t last and it’s trouble.” A few days later i said i had fallen in love with her. She replied, “Yeah, whatever,,,,,,, I think that what you call love, though, is directed at what you think I am or maybe would wish me to be. A month or so passed. I looked into her eyes and said, “I Love You” She looked into my eyes and said, “It feels wonderful to be Loved” She taught me through example to never coherse an - ‘i love you too’ out of anyone.

If anyone is interested,,, Ralph Losey lays out a map of our reality where he combines an altered version of the Jungian functions which occur in time. Sensing, thinking, feeling, and willing ( willing instead of Jung’s intuition) combined with 3 spacial realms of body - soul - spirit Combine the 3x4 =12 Its got everything but the kitchen sink. No, I guess it’s got that too,,, https://schoolofwisdom.com/laws-of-wisdom/laws-of-human-consciousness/ George Carlin said that sometimes a little brain damage helps. I agree on that, maybe.