Zigzag Idiot

Everything is 'grist for the mill' In Inquiry. Another one of those 'easier said than done' situations. Like no self criticism. Im watching part 2 self deception. More beautiful descriptions of Kundabuffer.

That came from John Bennetts diary. He was quoting Gurdjieff in a conversation. JG and Elizabeth Bennetts Diaries were made into a short book about the environment around Gurdjieff while he was in France. The book is called IDIOTS IN PARIS.

My reasoning may be skewed. One possibility I considered is the part of myself still in tier one. Type Six: The Questioner/The Frenetic. The independent mindset at the Orange level reduces the ability to trust in an outside authority and Type Six, The Questioner, must look inward for authority. Yet, Type Six still questions and doubts her inner authority. Questioning the inner authority, combined with needing external scientific proof, leads Type Six to become the Frenetic. Faith in an external authority is mistrusted. There is also a drive for material security, which can be procured only through one’s own actions. This drive can create courageous action through risk taking to seek ways to advance, forcing through fears and questions (Ooten, Unpublished; Ooten, 2010). Type Six: The Questioner/The Champion. As Type Six, the Questioner becomes aware that “going it alone” doesn’t bring security, she turns to trusting others. In allowing herself to trust others, she begins to learn to trust herself. She finds connection with others through serving as the Champion for underdog causes, the downtrodden, and the disenfranchised. In the egalitarian mindset of Type Six in the Green level, she still does not trust authority figures, and she does not trust herself as an authority (Ooten, Unpublished; Ooten, 2010). These were taken from http://www.consciousdynamicsllc.com/home/levels_of_consciousness.html The personality types described at each Spiral level.

Hell is only terrible first few days,,

Kundabuffer = Spiritual sleep. Tiny % wake up fast and complete. Majority of us wake up slow and fitfully. It will never be a popular message. Inner considering is fed by Kundabuffer. As is projection, 'false personality', self deception,,,,, Kundabuffer is self deception. I noticed Leo has 3 videos on self deception. He seems to give it the same amount of significance as Gurdjieff did to Kundabuffer in 'The Tales'. i didn't appreciate the value of being in a 'collected state' until I observed how much of my life was lost to being in one of these "lower" states of being stuck in my head. (Itoklanoz awareness) Chi= Prana rising + Itoklanoz awareness = Kundabuffer = uncontrolled imagination of forms from gross to subtle Chi / Prana rising + Fulasnitamnian awareness = Kundalini proper or Holy Prana Fulasnitamnian Awareness = 3 Centered Awareness or the '3rd state' of Consciousness.

Inner considering,,, Its the "I wonder what they are thinking now" syndrome. I've been plagued with it all my life. It's always a big relief to witness it in an objective way and become free of it. It returns though. It takes repeated efforts over a long time to really create some space around this. There are many techniques. This is a huge thing in Inquiry. Leo has to address this somewhere. I feel sure that he already has somewhere in at least one of his videos. I just found a nice short clip about Inner considering that I'll post below. If it resonates with you I recommend a google search about this and find a couple of articles to save to return to. We are our own worst enemies. Google search- Gurdjieff inner considering or Fourth Way inner considering. If anyone finds an article about this that you really like, please share if you want,,,

This is very relevant map of self actualization if talk of the 'New Earth' doesn't weird you out too bad,,, The nine life crises are a normal and necessary part of the maturation process. They are a state of disequilibrium which exists when shifting from one energy level to another. Each crises when overcome leads to greater maturity and a higher level of energy. The danger lies in getting too comfortable, avoiding the crises of the next level and stagnating in the last energy you have mastered. Until you activate all of the energies and reach the top of the pyramid, the tenth energy, you must go on to the next challenge, the next crises. On the other hand, you cannot master the next energy until you have finished with the last one. If you miss one, then you can go back and delve into it and resolve it with a therapist. A resolved crises makes its blocked energy available. Birth - Sex: Begin born is a trauma, but also the first orgasm. You were nourished in the womb. Now you have to have the courage to live on your own. If you do not get this energy you may be depressive, suicidal or sexually maladjusted. Adaptation - Growth: The approach to this courage is adaptation - having confidence that parents and friends mean well, if and as you comply with their wishes and perform according to their expectations. This is fine and works, but only for a few years. Personal Archetype: However, around 3 to 4 years old you discover you have an ego, an individuality. You say "no" to what you don't like and you use your first name: ego appears. Unless your parents accept you as something very special, and allow the expression of your ego individuality, you will fall back into complete adaptation and be manipulated your whole life. You will remain a child, overly placating, and never attain your personal archetype, your special time potential. If you find yourself, but get obsessed with yourself and do not get to the next energy, then the danger is narcissism and egotism. Strategies: If you are lucky and have parents who do not destroy your special individuality, but instead confirm it and help it blossom, then others will hate you and will try to humiliate you and put you down. Here you have to develop strategies, with the goal of attaining success, as for instance in the Chinese slogan of the martial arts: "Don't fight, just win." The number of possible humiliations is limited. It is wise to know them as quickly as possible; so in the words of the Native American sage, Don Juan: search for a "petty tyrant". The danger is obsession with gamesmanship, using people as mere furniture in the floorplan of life. Norm: Having established your strategies, the final step is to find your Norm. You do this by gaining competence in a role recognized by the public, like being a baker, a professor, a doctor or a skilled worker. The danger is becoming your job, one dimensional, "work-a-holic". The first five crises correspond to the left hand; next you start on the right, being able to participate in public life. The next crises do not hamper your survival, the right hand is free to act. Valuing/Setting Priorities: This is the beginning of social existence, acting beyond yourself to fulfill a larger social-historical role. One danger here is fighting for other people's motivations, belief systems or creeds, instead of your own. There is also the danger of getting caught up in the battle and losing sight of the aim. As they say in Florida, "When you are up to your ass in alligators, its hard to remember that the original objective was to drain the swamp." Individuation: If you master the sixth level and open yourself up to the next crises, you will suddenly begin to realize that things that just happen to you - the unplanned "accidents" - are just as meaningful, even more so, than your planed events. Then you will then find yourself by acting, communicating and sharing with others. You won't find yourself by thinking about it. The individuation process does not mean a person evolves into isolation. Just the opposite. It means real participation in a larger whole, in the universal archetypes and collective unconsciousness. Here you can get help by Jungian or Gestalt therapy. The danger in this stage lies in acting without direction, not knowing when to let go, even when the path begins to lead to nowhere, to chaos. Intuition/Mantic: Once you master the seventh level, and feel that good things happen to you all the time, you will want to establish a more coherent pattern of life. You will yearn to know better when to give up a course of action that does not lead you in the right direction. In the mathematical language of chaos, you will want to know when to avoid growing chaos by falling back into the Zero to try a new iteration. Then you will start to go heavily into divination, into continual games of question and answer - like Oracle-Channeling, I Ching, Astrology, Tarot, Playing Cards. These messages give you guidance and lead to greater coherence. But again there is still a danger of stagnation. There is the danger of the "superstition trap" where you start depending upon the games too much, instead of your inner voice. Inspiration/Mystic: Then you move into the last crises where you start trusting your inspirations and visions. You start to feel like a real poet, taking part in the cosmic dance, except that you do not make it up, it happens to you, e.g. Mozart's famous remark: "I received all of my symphonies, each in one instant, directly from God, but I am glad that God composes in Mozartian style." Inspiration is direct and sudden, coming in a flash, whereas intuition was slower, structured and occurring through an intermediary. This is the move from dark intuition, to conscious knowing and participation. The Universe now guides you directly through signs. You dance confidently on the edge of chaos, in tune with the strange attractor, delighted by the fractal beauty of the constant confirmations which appear all around you. Higher Self: Having traveled so far you are now Normal, fully realized, as opposed to the norm or average. All of your energies are activated and mastered. You have reached the top of the pyramid and can manifest at all levels of maturity. Like the Noble Gases you are now whole and complete. You have abandoned all self criticism, guilt and self pity. Your personal energy and maturation complete, your sole aim is to participate in the great work of civilization, stretching beyond this earth to our future existence. The next level in many traditions is called the New Earth, experienced in Islam as situated behind the Polar Star. It is the home of the Ancestors. You will now make the difference between the sacred and the profane. You will participate in rituals of all kinds. You will establish communion beyond competition, greed and power games. Though still on Earth, you will be a living connection to the Ancestors on the New Earth, the beyond. You will be a bridge between life and death, this world and the next. From Chance and Choice chapter 7 devoted to Energy. http://www.chanceandchoice.com/course-overview/energy/

Me too. I lived with those books for a long time, reading and rereading. Interesting stuff,,, Him as a healer too,,,,

Evidence For I typed the above post this morning and just saw this. Synchronistic evidence for Rupert Sheldrakes Morphogenetic fields ,,,,?

For kindred spirits and fellow introverts

You're emanating from a good space and it's felt! Thank you for all the great pictures,,,,

Hi Paul! In Arkansas,,, Its still in the family. I turned the operation over to my nephews this past July. This is the first winter in many years that I'm not responsible for a herd of Cows. I'm enjoying my freedom. It was wearing my body out. Glad to be free of the inescapable violence that's inherent in the occupation as well. I was brought up in A Church of Christ that considered Musical instruments and Sunday School to be too progressive and possibly sources of mischief making. Sounds like we have a lot in common. I've worked in the Sawmill Industry also off and on through life. Ive been a participant or had a front row seat to just about everything progressive liberals hate,,, although for years I've been a progressive liberal myself. Mostly in secret. Ive been immersed in blue - orange culture all my life,,,, Glad to hear from ya! In what part of the world was your farm life?

Jesus taught Kenosis (Letting go) and Metanoia- Beyond mind (Change of mind and heart) Putting on new mind. Traditional translation of metanoia as repentance is a flat tire that won't roll. Much hinges on capacity for return to beginners mind. Beginners mind is return to Ordinary Idiot. Be empty. Be open. Be curious. Jesus- “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Sadhguru says- "You must not destroy, I do not know". Ordinary Idiot is not lost in worry. “If your mind is empty, it is always ready for anything; it is open to everything. In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities; in the expert’s mind there are few.” ― Shunryu Suzuki, Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind

The following is a post I made in a Group study of Beelzebub's Tales To His Grandson just a couple of months ago. About the time I discovered Leo's videos. I may even be borrowing some of his languaging here,,, down below. I had to restrain myself but I'm sure I was a torture anyway to most of this group for always wanting to bring in Spiral Dynamics. If some of my assessments seem off, I welcome correction or other perspectives,,,, so feel free to chime in,,, Regarding the Tales being overweight in Patriarchy, misogyny, and other biases against the feminine. I've been pondering on the second tier of Spiral Dynamics as being Gurdjieffs intended territory of destination for his persistent readers. The first level encountered in the second tier is yellow. It has a multiperspectival approach to learning and gathering information and living in general. The yellow individual is more interested in understanding accurately someone's view than they are in labeling it. This multi-perspectival kind of awareness is key. It turns every offensive or seemingly ignorant perspective into a curiosity or a mystery to figure out or understand why it is that people perceive the way they do. But this requires the kind of impartiality that Gurdjieff is talking about. Enduring an injustice,, or being emotionally abused and tormented by someone for months or maybe years. Being shamed,,,,ostracized ,,,, and mocked. These situations grow us in terms of 'being', faster than anything, That is, if one isn't over-traumatized. But at the same time, the amount of intensity needs to be enough for one to be pushed into a kind of state that one has never experienced before. This experience reveals more of what being 'identified' is about. This is a part of developing second tier awareness. That's where green and yellow differ in terms of emotional suffering in connection with wanting to be a protector and an advocate of compassion for all apparently disadvantaged beings. From outward appearances green looks more 'spiritual' than yellow. That's because yellow has more impartiality that can be interpreted by some as cold and detached. People in yellow are not as apt to experience the feeling of pity toward others because they realize it perpetuates unnecessary suffering and is an attitude declaring the Divine to be inept. Empathy is one thing but pity is something completely useless. / End of book club post zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Gurdjieff often played an aggressive role when working with people. I've encountered Teachers of the Fourth Way who were prone to doing this. It's something I never plan to emulate. Don't think it's neccasary for one thing and can definitely create more problems than it addresses or resolves if it's done incorrectly. From what I've seen, mostly in relation to work on myself, life situations themselves have a way of showing up in a manner that at times seem,,, custom made. As alluded to in my well worn Maurice Nicoll quote which, by the way goes really well with Leo's video I shared above about Understanding Awareness. The essence of the idea of Karma-Yoga is to meet with unpleasant things equally with pleasant things. That is, in practicing Karma-Yoga, one does not seek always to avoid unpleasant things, as people ordinarily do. Life is to be met with non-identifying. When this is possible, life becomes one's teacher; in no other sense can life become a teacher, for life taken as itself is meaningless, but taken as an exercise it becomes a teacher. It is not life that is a teacher, but one's relation through non-identifying makes it become a teacher. Nothing can change being so much as this practice - namely, to take the unpleasant things in life as an exercise. (Maurice Nicoll, Commentaries, Vol. 1) Easier said than done,,,

Two different phenomena- The thing about getting a 'download' from above while in the shower came from an irreverent Commercial Pilot. It was in the first 3 or 4 days of an online class of Christian Contemplatives about mindfulness. While outing himself for a blunder in Connection with his pilot duties he mentions kind of in passing that he 'received messages' while in the shower. It was like a bunch of connections just beneath the surface of awareness and when he mentioned it,,,, they rose above the surface and connected. It had the element of Remembering in it. This is a very subtle thing, though. I don't want to give the impression of thunder and lightning. Things like being free from having an attitude,,, are connected to its appearance/flow. Similar to that pressure that develops on your forehead. It's so subtle, it's dismissed at first or explained away,, it's just sinus pressure,,, A lot of time went by for me,, probably because I'm a certain kind of idiot. First became aware of the sixth chahra pressure around 2008. It came and went for years but stepped up a knotch about two years ago. Still very subtle. Not bliss blast. Anyway, The downloads also happen outside of a hot shower. Just seems like they happen easier there. These downloads can still get mixed up with my ego when it's around the subject of my chief feature. My psychological blind spot. I forgot what video was playing where Leo outed himself for having a blind spot. When I heard that, "It made my heart soar like a hawk" - As chief Oddskins says in the Movie Little Big Man. I found a good teacher! I think he was talking about the necessity for gathering knowledge from different perspectives or sources and needing more than one teacher because all teachers have a blind spot. I can tell that Leo is ahead of me in Realization and development. I'm grateful to have access to his articulations.

"Being is more profound than meaning" - @ roughly 36:30 "Stop chasing after meaning and start pursuing Being." - @ the very end Being is an Existence, a Suchness Being means no reaction, no mental activity that defines who or what one is. In fact, Being is not an activity at all; it is an existence, a suchness, a thereness, a Presence that is not doing anything to be there. Since Being is itself existence, it does not need the mind to be there. It is like a physical object, which does not need the activity of mind to exist. Pearl Beyond Price, pg. 57 Being's Dynamism Realizing that our experience, both inner and outer, always reflects the action of our Being's dynamism means that, in principle, it is always possible to know whether we are aligned or not with the optimizing force of Being, to discern whether we are progressing, backtracking, or on idle. We don't need someone else to tell us. All the information we need is in our experience at each moment if we can perceive it clearly. Spacecruiser Inquiry, pg. 203 The Presencing of Being The reason we have the capacity to experience Being is that the self is an actual ontological Presence, a presencing of Being, not simply a construct, and this Presence has the capacity to be self-aware. Thus for the self to become directly aware of the realm of Being is for it to directly experience its own nature. The Point of Existence, pg. 14 This book has Interesting subtitle Transformations of Narcissism in Self-Realization There are several more excerpts about being - https://www.diamondapproach.org/glossary/refinery_phrases/being https://www.diamondapproach.org/glossary/refinery_phrases/being-living https://www.diamondapproach.org/glossary/refinery_phrases/being-pure https://www.diamondapproach.org/glossary/refinery_phrases/being-total https://www.diamondapproach.org/glossary/refinery_phrases/being-nonbeing https://www.diamondapproach.org/glossary/refinery_phrases/being-such There are still six more categories in Almaas Glossary webpages about Being They're easy enough to find If you're interested in pursuing being Losing your marbles is a prerequisite to Realization

Why did Vincent Van Gogh cut off his ear? http://www.williamrunyan.com/article_content/Runyan_Why_did_Van_Gogh_Cut_Off_His_Ear.pdf

I'm thinking about Chinese Astrology and personal work in relation to flow and the idea of being a Universal heretic this morning. And other stuff. Taken from: http://www.ichingwisdom.com/i-ching/cyclical-time-in-chinese-thinking/ In the first step you awake to your DRAGON, you vocation, your question, your participation in the cosmic work of the spirit, or as the Native American's call it, your "medicine". For this you have to leave your family and personal history, changing your dependencies into material for self actualization. The CAT does not care for the past family, only the future one. In the second step you have to find friends in the TIGER study groups and separate your spiritual way from the quest for survival (SNAKE). You look for those people who make it possible for you to pursue your spiritual way without looking for profit. With the honest HORSE you transcend your group and make your achievements useful to others. You do so by establishing a style of livelihood, of wealth, which allows others to strive like a BUFFALO to participate in spiritual life. Now with the RAT you must stand up for your truth by organizing your whole life around your vocation. You blend your material and spiritual life by the GOAT Ò the lunar capacity to seize the moment, the opportunity. By receptivity to the times you make useful to others what is meaningful to you. Then you must get into revelation by understanding the comical aspects of all religious traditions, like the eclectic MONKEY in a supermarket of new age publications. The purpose of your search for revelation must be to heal others, to bring them to their wholeness. This requires unconditional service symbolized by the PIG. This understanding of the PIG explains the statement found in hexagram 61 - Inner Truth - "Pigs and fishes. Good fortune." The highest achievement is no longer self-centered. You are in civilization and in spirit, a part of the New Earth in the sign of the DOG Ò Aquarius. You are, like the DOG, completely faithful to your path and to sacred history. You transcend your ego by announcing your truth in society like the ROOSTER without regard to the practical consequences.

The Welcoming Practice The ideal time to use the practice is as close as possible to the upsetting situation. Even if this is not possible due to the particular circumstances in that moment, turn to the practice as soon afterward as you can. Initially you may find that methodically working through the three steps will take some time and concentrated effort, but as your conscious awareness increases the practice can be employed almost simultaneously while in the midst of challenging or troubling times. The Welcome Practice has three steps: Focus or ‘sink in’ to become aware and physically present to the particular experience or upset. Bring your attention to what is happening as sensation in your body. Without analyzing or judging yourself or your state, inwardly tune into what is happening as the physical embodiment of the experience. Don’t try to change anything at this stage – just stay present. This will help to avoid drawing mental-cognitive conclusions, and will also ground you in the body’s experience rather than repressing what’s arising. By engaging with this awareness to sensation over time it can help us become more attentive to moments of constriction and unconscious reactivity. Welcome and lightly name the response that is being triggered by the difficult situation (such as “fear” or “anger” or “pain”). Acknowledge the response as sensation, and recognize that in this moment, if the experience is not being rejected or repressed, it can be endured. Ever so gently, begin to say ‘welcome’ (such as “welcome fear”, etc…) Though this step is counter-intuitive and the impulse is most likely to try to push away the unpleasant emotion, Cynthia explains “…by welcoming it instead, you create an atmosphere of inner hospitality. By embracing the thing you once defended yourself against or ran from, you are actually disarming it, removing it’s power to hurt you or chase you back into your smaller self.” The flow of energy shifts almost immediately, becoming more spacious, and defenses can relax sufficiently to allow new perspectives or more positive responses to emerge. Transition to a ‘letting go’, whereby the intensity of the situation can recede. This enables the natural fluidity of sensation to come and then go. In the classic welcoming practice methodology there are then four statements that you can employ and recite to yourself at this stage: I let go of my desire for security and survival. I let go of my desire for esteem and affection. I let go of my desire for power and control. I let go of my desire to change the situation. As Cynthia puts it, “This is not a final, forever renunciation of your anger or fear; it’s simply a way of gently waving farewell as the emotion starts to recede.” From https://wisdomwayofknowing.org/resource-directory/the-welcoming-practice/ Theres a 30 minute video here also

@kieranperez In regards to your brother. I've known some type 5 enneagram personalities (the observer) and it's very difficult to them to open up to family. Type 5's will often open up to complete strangers who they will never see again. Dont know if it applies.,,,

Good luck, Spry. In his Ouspensky video, Leo gives a good guided imagery @ about 1:09 and points out internal images, internal dialogue,,, Has participants sense the face,,, body. i had forgotten that one. Relaxing the small muscles of the face is very effective. If remembered,,,, Small muscles of the face get contracted. What kind of mask of tension do find there. What kind of mask is there? We actors constantly become identified. Role playing is an exercise in the Work. Its healthy to go make faces in the mirror. All the world is a stage or a screen. We get mad. We need deep cycle and R.E.M. Sleep to restore body chemistry. Very important. What do you expect from an Idiot? Role Playing Exercises *** Role playing exercises are useful for getting beyond or free of our Identification with our Chief feature and our Self Importance. Our Chief Feature is the legacy of our Essence as it manifests through our Personality. Our Chief Feature has positive and negative manifestations which may help or hinder us on our search for Being. Most of us find it very hard to bear the Suffering and pain involved with trying to step outside of our habitual roles in life. Many of us tend to value honesty and playing an uncharacteristic role can make us feel uneasy when interacting with others. Role playing is valued in some areas of life, such as by con-artists and intelligence agencies and politics, and thus many of us may find it distasteful with its connotations of deception. In the context of the Work, we should set these feelings aside and consider what benefits to our Being will accrue if we attempt to play Roles temporarily in life that will help us step outside the mechanical constraints of our acquired Personality and our Self Importance. In the Gurdjieffian sense, a well rounded person is not Identified with their Personality and not consumed by their Self Importance, rather, they should be able to be all things for all people, as indicated by the quote from Beelzebub's Tales above. Of course, Gurdjieff never delineated the 27 types mentioned in Beelzebub's Tales or in his list of Idiots, which were toasted at his Paris dinners. Never the less, we can approach this subject by considering that the Law of Ninefoldness (the enneagram or the law of seven plus the two shocks) multiplied by the three types of man (physical, emotional, intellectual) gives us 27 basic types. A controversial typology based on 27 types has recently arisen and become popular under the name of the Enneagram of Personality. Neither wishing to promote nor disparage that system, I simply wish to point out that it may be of some benefit to some people in the Work who wish to explore the dynamics of their Personality and Essence further. It has close affinities to the character traits outlined by Carl Jung and his protégé Maurice Nicoll. Rodney Collin also had a typology based on the seven planets of Astrology. Thus there is a precedent for this type of endeavor in the Work. The Enneagram of Personality is a great tool for giving insight into our Chief Feature and into the features of other Types that we may wish to use as models for Role Playing. *** Role Playing Exercise Choose a Role, any Role. Choose a Role corresponding to a personality type that you dislike or that you admire. Seek out a social situation where you can exercise that Role. Prepare for the Role playing by studying the characteristics of the type. Use your powers of Visualization and Imagination to construct the outward behaviors and inner attitudes of that type. Wear clothes and groom yourself in an appropriate manner. Set yourself a time limit within which to perform the role. Prepare Affirmations to use during the Role playing that will encourage you to continue with the Role at those times when you feel yourself being overwhelmed by the demands of the Role and want to beat a hasty retreat. When you have returned to a safe haven, evaluate your performance. Repeat as necessary. *** Pondering on Roles Who is playing the Role? What is my preferred Role? Why am I afraid to take other Roles? What Roles in others do I dislike? What Roles in myself do I dislike? *** from: https://www.endlesssearch.co.uk/exercises_roleplay.htm The Endless Search © 2004 - 2017 Ian C. MacFarlane

Disclaimer- Leo is NOT a Charleton. Leo has a gift for what he does. When reading HIGHER BEING BODIES I got tickled about Ocke's use of Golum in an allergory. I saw how it applied to me.

I'm a liar and a hypocrite. I got diverted off Leo's video about Ouspensky last night and am just now trying to finish it. We're a multiplicity. Man is Legion. Arnold Keyserling- " We change every 5 minutes during the day." After moving to Paris, Gurdjieff referred to people as being a Taxi-cab hauling different people around. I'm a ship of Fools who are all fighting for the helm. It doesn't matter. It's ok. I'm observing it. I'm watching them. The Fools,,,, who speak through me. Alchemy is hot. It's hard to sit with/process.

It's counterintuitive but experiencing a deeper love happens when we allow ourselves to let deep hatred rise to the surface. A special kind of hatred towards innocence. In that Almaas work helped me discover this phenomena and the way out of it. The guilt that returns with the pendulum is a part of the glue like nastiness of getting free of it. Hatred and the Beast In fact, when you experience the Beast, you might even experience yourself as a kind of devil, with horns, red eyes, a tail, and so on. Many people actually experience this structure explicitly. You feel as if you sprout horns and a tail and you’re full of fury and hate. You just want to annihilate. If you do act out your hatred, of course it is destructive. But many people believe that just feeling the hatred will be destructive. Feeling the hatred can lead some people to act out physically and to be destructive, and that needs to be avoided. But most people—unless they have difficulty knowing what behavior is appropriate—tend to resist acting out the hatred even as they begin to directly experience the Beast. Facets of Unity, pg. 49 Loving Light and the Beast The distrust that is fundamental to the egoic perspective is based on not experiencing the goodness of the universe. From this distrust arises what we call the Beast, the part of the ego that is not only frustrated and angry, but also hates what is good and positive. When you are experiencing the Beast, if there is any love, you hate it and want to destroy it. “Where has it been? Where was it when I needed it?” or “God is supposed to be all-loving, all-merciful, all-compassionate, but if that’s true, why am I suffering so much and why is the world such a mess?” This part of the ego has the consciousness of a young child and it can’t rationalize these things as adults do, consoling and explaining to themselves that, “God is testing me.” Even though a child might not conceptualize it, the thinking is something like, “If God isn’t here when I really need Him, God is no good. If I stay open and vulnerable, I’ll get clobbered again, so what good is He? I don’t want Him—I hate Him. He just makes more trouble for me—I trust and then I get hurt. I had better just depend on myself and forget about Him. No more trusting—that’s it.” Facets of Unity, pg. 48 Resolving the Beast Resolving the issue of the Beast has a salutary effect on the soul’s relation to her true nature. It opens up a deeper level of appreciation, love, and valuing of essence, and allows the soul to see it as sheer beauty, as what makes everything beautiful. Essence’s value becomes more objective, in the understanding that essence is valuable not because of what it does and gives to the individual soul, but because of its mere existence. True nature, the essence of the soul, is valuable, is worthy of appreciation and love, not because it gives her something, not because it adds to her, not because it liberates her, but because it is beautiful. The Inner Journey Home, pg. 286 The Beast The process leads to deep hurt and abandonment and the understanding of the origins of the Beast, or hatred of the good, in the early oral frustrations and deprivations. One of the steps in this process of working through is the recognition of how this issue depends partly on the reification of universal or divine Being. Being is personified; the soul’s relationship to it assumes the form of an object relation between a separate individual soul and a separate powerful entity one may call God. The Inner Journey Home, pg. 285 The Beast and Separateness The Beast turns out to be a particular crystallization of the ego principle, the conviction about and identification with separateness. Separateness is what truly opposes divine love, and the devil's hatred is the final natural outcome of such separateness. The Inner Journey Home, pg. 286 The Beast is Not an Ultimate or Eternal Form The soul suffused by divine love, forming an inseparable expression of its bountiful resplendence, is the divine offspring, the prince of light. The soul disconnected and alienated from Being, especially from its loving light, becomes the prince of darkness. It is important to see that even the Beast is the result of the reaction of the soul to her experience. It is not an ultimate form, nor an eternal one. Hence there is no eternal damnation, and no absolute evil. The Inner Journey Home, pg. 286 Transforming Hatred into Essential Power The Beast is a very specific issue related to the essential quality of Power. The essential Power of the soul is caught up in, and distorted by, the hatred and pride in the Beast structure. When you allow the black hatred is when you may feel yourself become the devil—a giant, black and powerful demon with tremendous pride and destructive hatred. You might tower over the city, looking at it and laughing. You might be filled with a powerful, destructive, cold, calm, and calculating hatred. You might experience the absolute insignificance of everything you see. Allowing this energetic structure to arise, and understanding its origins, illuminates deep issues about early levels of the soul’s disconnection from love. If you are able to feel the hatred without resistance or acting out, the hatred will transform into essential Power. This Power can penetrate the delusions that keep the ego’s reactivity in place and it can allow the soul to become still enough so that the quality of love can affect its state and its perception. Facets of Unity, pg. 50

When I was 7 years old I awoke from a dream and knew without any doubt at all what the world felt like from a girl's perspective. Although being just a prepubescent girl in the dream, there was a nonspecific boy whom I felt great love for. Whenever in the past I've tried relating this dream, it was always twisted by others into a sign of repressed homosexuality. In my local culture there is a lot of polarity thinking. It's either this or that. In spite of the dream, as Ken Wilbur puts it, I'm a hard wired heterosexual. It doesn't help that my nature is somewhat androgynous and I'm a heretic who openly associates with gay people. This local culture, for the most part, when saying the name Obama or the term liberal, a negative tone is used and it is just assumed the listener is also of like mind. So, in spite of having the dream and being somewhat androgynous in attitude, I grew up as an ordinary man pig. Actually, I'm quite a horndog. That's kind of the rule for Adrenal types though. From Maurice Nicoll: THE FEELING OF NOTHINGNESS “When the Work says that a man must come to realize his own nothingness before he can be re-born, it does not mean that he must humble himself and so on, but that he must by long self-observation actually begin to realize that he is nothing and that there is no such person as himself. The object of this is to get into a position, psycho- logically speaking, between the opposites...Why is it so important to get somewhere into the centre of the pendulum and not swing to and fro? Because here, between the opposites, lie all the possibilities of growth. Here influences from higher levels can reach us. Here, in this place where one can feel one’s own nothingness (and where one is therefore free from contradictions), influences and meanings com- ing from higher centres, which have no contradictions, can be felt. Not regarding yourself as good or bad, not priding yourself on being just or otherwise, not thinking you are well-treated or badly-treated, not being caught by either movement through identifying, you come into this mid-position. This is not easy! With personality active, it is impossible.