Zigzag Idiot

It really felt like more of the false in me died. I felt more of the awakening in the beginning. This was about 2002-2008. It didn't resolve everything, though. My work on myself then was very lopsided. I didn't start meditating until about 4-5 years ago. Full time only 3 years ago. I've pretty much always been a loner with no 'spiritual community'. Doing a lot of things the hard way,,,, Not meditating. Eating poorly,,, Over the 5-6 years of my Kundalini experiences, I had a couple of intense dark night episodes and several times of just gloominess. In one of my bad times, the light of day suddenly dimmed. It was a clear bright winter day and it was like I put on a pair of sunglasses, only I didn't. Like 'God' hit the dimmer switch. This sudden drop in the brightness of day felt strange as well. Hard to describe. Another time,,, actually two,,, I got on bad crying jags. An absurd number of times in 2-3 hours that I burst into tears. Maybe every 15 seconds at times. The crying would just go On /off, on/off, on/off. Practicing Forgiveness would probably help as much as anything. You mentioned humbleness or feeling humbled,,, that's the right territory,,,

Not only very readable but entertaining as well. Latest of Leo's videos that I watched. I'll watch this one again. He stresses the scope of self-deception. Also the need to not judge others as bad or express negative emotions.

Yes, Humbleness will help very much. I was having relationship problems and the turmoil and guilt from that added to my pain and confusion. I think Kundalini awakenings can span from a few months to 7 or more years. Different with everyone. Jana Dixon says that also. Within this, there are several up and down episodes sometimes culminating in a 'classic' dark night period. A lot of stuff in Biology of Kundalini didn't happen to me but a number of symptoms/phenomena did.

Yes. A part of it was seeing the 'sleep' of the world or a part of it. A lot of confusion. A lot of Dread.

Free online book -- Biology of Kundalini More practical and helpful than reading St. John of the Cross is modern Sage Jana Dixon and her Biology of Kundalini. There are many different chapters (listed on the left) dealing with elements of emotional upheaval. Excerpt below from Her Chapter - Phases of Kundalini Just like everything else in life kundalini cycles thru a specific flow of chemistry. The general periods for a full-on awakening are 2 years priming, 6 month apex, 3 years peak, 5 years recovery, but awakenings come in all shapes and sizes. The peak-apex of a mature awakening is usually around 6 months, the awakening itself is usually around 3 years, then the assimilation phase is perhaps around 5 years. These figures are almost impossible to contrive because everyone has an awakening specific to themselves. Each stage has its particular sensations, symptoms, emotions and thoughts. Broadly speaking the following outlines the linear process. The kundalini process cycles through these phases again and again, creating a hyperbolic wave of nested cycles. PRIMING--Two or more years of sexual heating, increased creative drive and muse/PSI--Thyroid, sex hormone activation. INFLUX--Opening, Grace, ecstasy, electrical. Initial Inner-conjunction, Double Helix of energy rising around the spine--Sex with Eros, God's Lightning Bolt. SHOCK--Major septic shock from influx nitric oxide spike—contraction, panic, sympathetic/adrenal hyper-activation--White Death. TRANSMUTATION--Fires, Heart-expansions proper, grounding, gravity warping. MAIN INNER-CONJUNCTION--Full body orgasmic, massive energy up spine, paralysis--Silver Cord, Achieving Ones Self. DIE-OFF--Ego inoperable, 3-7 days in bed, feels like body is eating itself, catabolic breakdown--Dark Night, Death prior to Resurrection. HEART-BRAIN SYNC--Mature link; right orbiofrontal-limbic connection activity and associated heart expansion--Penis on the Brain, brain orgasms. SUBSTANTIATION--Regrowth, building higher quality tissue, integration, calm, wholeness, anabolic--Spiritual Will. All these cycles have to do with the mechanisms of biological transmutation, but one can talk about it in terms of cell-life duration, homeostatic coping ability, reserves of resources, physical-mental-emotional blockage and resistance, conduciveness of ones environment and rest-recovery-repair. Below is an excerpt from her chapter titled Kundalini and Schizophrenia http://biologyofkundalini.com/article.php@story=KundaliniandSchizophrenia.html The perturbation and removal of normal consciousness and the consequent disruption of egoic-metaprogramming is not regression—it is not going backwards—but merely the removal of adaptive/repressive functioning in the present. This creates an entirely new consciousness that has never occurred in ones history, yet may have features similar to infantile being. This loss of the sense of the known self (ego) is standard procedure in many of the extreme kundalini events and in the overall metamorphic process itself. Contributing to this perturbation of consensus-adaptive consciousness is both the extreme amplification and expansion of consciousness during peak events and the consequent damage done by neurotransmitters, free radicals and metabolites. The higher we climb above the "norm," the further we thus fall into the downside of these acute neurological events. This is the shamanic journey to the heavens and then into the hell realms. Both extra-normal conditions could be classed as regression by an ignorant observer; but both high and low are equally part of the path toward the emergence of the life of the Soul. There must indeed be a suspension or cataclysmic breakthrough of the norm for the infinitely larger soul’s life to be born. So rather than "regression” in the service of the ego, we could more aptly state that during a kundalini awakening we undergo "suspension” of the ego in the service of the soul. For those that are breaking out of consensus mind and who are leaning toward inflation or the schizophrenic end of the scale, this vulnerable condition is NOT the time to be intensive meditation, shadow work or primal processing. For these people stabilizing and structure building is needed more than uncovering therapies as the interpenetration of the levels of consciousness proceeds. Humor, because of its trickster element is a great tool for establishing rationality, because laughter builds up the prefrontal lobes. The practices for the periods of unstable integration between the levels of consciousness should be of an embodiment and boundary building nature. Of self-definition through internal exploration via neo-shamanistic practices of a self-originating nature. The work of Miguel Ruiz, Byron Katie and Alberto Villoldo would be valuable at this stage to establish the self/other boundary and build up the core-self.

My recall of the Dark night Ordinary Meaninglessness and existential angst multiplied by 100 hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt ? ??????????????☠️??☠️?????????? waves of intensity

Years ago Arnold Keyserling said something related to this which has stuck with me and at times was helpful in initiating action. He said developing real will is developing the capacity to 'act' for no reason whatsoever other than just for the hell of it.

Ran across this sampler of Ken Wilbur 10 CD set interview with Tami Simon which I bought right after it came out in the early 2000's. In other parts of the interview he talks quite a bit about Witness Consciousness,,,, great collection,,, It kinda goes with this post I made a week ago,,,

@Trode Welcome We're a mixed bag, here. Good luck with your aims!

This is fundamentalalist Jesusism. At the end, it looks affiliated with desiringGod.org -- Churchianity. No?

@pluto ln the last 3 years I've been encountering elements which have a relation to this idea of patterning. Henri Neumann, Cynthia Bourgeault call the Imaginal Realm what Ken Wilbur calls Causal Body or Awareness. Carrol Anthony refers to the Atomic realm or the realm of the atom as the realm of consciousness. The realm where manifestations and transformations can start.

Valuing Truth or pondering the value of Truth seems to strengthen curiosity. I thought these two Almaas quotes applied: Living Reality Loving Its Own Truth So recognizing and appreciating the fact that motivation is our own personal interpretation of something much more profound, something much more natural, liberates the enlightenment drive to function innocently and purely, without being clothed in the qualities of compassion, love, and service. The enlightenment drive is liberated when we understand how we appropriate its dynamism as our own motivation. The enlightenment drive is the drive of enlightened awareness to become conscious of itself, to manifest and realize itself. In other words, the enlightenment drive is not that we, as individual selves, selflessly love the truth. It is living reality loving its own truth and loving to reveal it. Runaway Realization, pg. 41 Living the Life of Truth To live the life of truth means first to value the truth, and to value knowing the truth. It also means to value the truth such that you make it the center of your life, which means learning to be genuine, authentic, and sincere. At its heart, living the truth is a matter of integrity and respect—for oneself, for others, and for truth itself. The more our life respects and reflects the truth that we know, the more it will take us to ever deeper dimensions of truth, of true nature. There is an interaction, an interrelationship, and an inseparability between understanding the truth and living life. We cannot separate the two. We cannot be ivory tower philosophers and expect to discover truth. It doesn’t work that way, because inquiry is a journey of truth finding that constantly reveals the oneness of Being and life. Our spiritual philosophy must become an action philosophy. We have to let our souls become a manifestation of each truth we discover. Spacecruiser Inquiry, pg. 353

Sounds like Good advice from@Nahm @BIggleswerth How you frame this matches my path quite a bit. Which is practicing 3 centered awareness. Every morning I have to put together three centered awareness. The following is a 3 Centered Prayer/Meditation that I use. You can leave off the “Lord Help Me”; “Lord Help Us”; “Lord Have Mercy” if you choose and it still works ,,, Become aware of the natural flow of your breathing for a few breaths, noting the sensation or presence of the physical body as the air comes in and goes out. Relax the body as you breathe out. Let a feeling of gratitude or wonder arise. Relax into a feeling of gratitude or wonder for life or for whatever you may feel gratitude for. Do this for a few more breathes. For the next few breaths, say inwardly “I”, as you inhale, breathing with the intention of taking in finer energies or substances in the air and feeling a connection to Higher help. When you breathe out say inwardly “AM”, with an awareness of your whole body physical presence. Finish in three breaths with Inner words. “Lord Help Me”; “Lord Help Us”; “Lord Have Mercy” The exercise itself is a form of self-remembering — returning from “all these other things” back to myself. Its aim is to practice three-centered awareness — observing (seeing), sensing, feeling. Engaging all three centers and having a sense of whole body awareness is essential. Activating gratitude, wonder, our being, or our own inner poverty and need for higher help — all are good catalysts for self-remembering. ??‍♂️

Had a really low energy day. Stayed up too late last night after being so sick ?over the weekend. Managed to do my two 20 minute sitting meditations. Gave myself permission to be lazy and recuperate.

How about the Placebo effect? Any opinions?

Maybe so,,, I haven't studied much about the idea of the Jungian innocent. I think the fool is a part of all of us which I correlate with the Joker and also the ordinary Idiot in the Science of Idiotism. "This then is the meaning of Ascent and Descent of the Scale of Idiotism. Wherever one finds oneself, one must first 'descend consciously' to the Ordinary Idiot, that is the Idiot with no distinguishing features, no personality, no special powers or properties. Mr. Gurdjieff's understanding of the Ordinary Idiot could not be better exemplified than when he said that all very young children are Ordinary Idiots. Obviously the Gospel saying "Except ye become as little children, ye shall in no wise enter the Kingdom of Heaven" leaps into one's mind." from: https://selfdefinition.org/gurdjieff/quotes/science-of-idiotism.htm

The four times three types and card meanings,,, I hope Ted's preachy cadence doesn't scare you off. When he says something ridiculous, it makes it 10x as funny.

Who is your maximum attraction? I had forgotten about this. It is a film within a film about Essence types. Really good descriptions. At about 10 minutes - 22 minutes in this 50 minute YouTube.

The heart of inquiry ,,,,,,If we observe that our mind wanders and that this causes us to forget about trying to be aware of ourselves in our surroundings, we can make experiments specifically on this condition and see what diminishes it, and what aggravates it. Here too it is important to keep things simple and practical. We may find, for example, that we don't maintain a continuous awareness of our existence with the music blaring or the TV on, while we have better luck when walking down Main Street or weeding the garden. We may not do as well when lying in bed or drinking beer in the easy chair but better sitting in a hard chair or in an unaccustomed position. Or vice-versa. There is no end to the small experiments we can make and, in time, these experiments may produce a nucleus of tools we can use to keep our mind from wandering the way it did when we first set out to control awareness. ,,,,,,, ,,,,,,We need to find others with a working knowledge of this work in order to progress. Working in common with others from the point of view of the work is the only way I know of to see certain aspects of ourselves that we simply cannot arrive at alone. All the more so because we think we can. But we must not become persuaded, convinced, or hypnotized by others. We must actually learn and see a great deal about ourselves, all made possible by this new knowledge applied in fruitful and unbiased group work.,,,,, From : http://www.rahul.net/raithel/otfw/newconsciousness.html

At the very end Wilbur refers to a psychotherapist who was in a position to note that a lot of 'borderline' individuals were drawn to Buddhism to rationalize their states. But this ended up making them worse off. That sounds like a recipe for creating a Zen devils,,,,? No?

I was about to reply to you on my journal. I'm in a lot better shape today, thanks ? Its funny Leo's video had a similar effect on us.,,, Its good to hear you sailed through the turmoil earlier and the day ended up good. "Antidote to exhaustion is wholeheartedness" reminds me of Joseph Chilton Pierce writing in his book Biology of Transcendance about his states called "unconflicted behavior". In these states, he did some things back as a young adult in the 1950's that would make Wim Hof shake his head,,,,

Thank you for having the courage and the security within yourself to say I Love You to everyone. Men for the most part are shut off from their feelings and the ability to express themselves that way. And it's a poorer world because of it.