Zigzag Idiot

I’m complaining and it helps nothing. I was arc welding on a corral yesterday and got my eyes burnt from being careless. The effects came on about midnight and are just now starting to recede enough that I can tolerate some daylight. When you have these effects. It feels like the inside of your eyelids are sandpaper,,,, Blinking feels like the pupils are having sandpaper drug across them! I had this condition a few years ago and it’s very uncomfortable. I really shouldn’t be looking at this screen,,,,

Good morning Two YouTube shorts for ya

@Apparition of Jack Here’s another bit from a Joe Rogan interview 3 days ago.

https://m.jpost.com/archaeology/archaeology-around-the-world/article-847207

You know what? I’ll tell you what. That’s James Watt. He was President Reagan’s Secretary of the Interior. That’s what I know now and I’ve known it before this moment also. Here’s what else. I’m a quiet person but I express myself in the oddest of ways in this Journal. Almost like I do with close friends after we’ve been sitting around for a while and it’s too quiet. Just out of the blue say something completely screwy just to see if they have a sense of humor. To laugh is a fairly common reaction from people but how in the hell could I discern if they were to ‘guffaw’ or ‘chortle’? And if they did. I would feel uncomfortable to verbally distinguish whether or not they did guffaw or chortle,,, That’s enough of that. There are many different people on this forum and they are vastly different in ways. Some relate about issues that are of a sober nature,,, Their concerns about different issues and some of them are very personal.. I’ve learned to not disturb these people. Just read what they need to write about and love them from a distance. It may not be love either that I feel but the need to not argue with them may be what I have to wrestle with. For the most part. The way I express myself in this journal is so foreign to how I am in daily life with people in my community,,,, I would almost say this journal would disturb or piss-off a good number of acquaintances or family members. On the other hand, there are a very few people who know me better than others. They would enjoy a part of what I say here or maybe how I express myself. For the most part,,, it’s all lighthearted.

I like animals. I like human beings sometimes. I appreciate honesty.

Excerpts from - Psychological Commentaries on the Teaching of Gurdjieff and Ouspensky INNER TALKING III “In this Work you cannot go far with pleasing self-made pictures of your own nobility or value. When you begin to observe yourself deeply enough, these pictures, these fantasies, begin to change. You know that you yourself are just as bad or worse than the other person. Then I am quite sure from my own experience that a great deal of your inner talking will stop. You do not seek to justify yourself.” V. 2, p. 776 49 YOU HAVE A RIGHT NOT TO BE NEGATIVE’ “Now the Work says you have a right not to be negative...To be able to feel this draws down force to help you. You stand upright, as it were, in yourself, among all the mess of your negativeness, and you feel and know that it is not necessary to lie down in that mess. To say this phrase in the right way to yourself, to feel the meaning of the words: ‘I have a right not to be negative,’ is actually a form of self- remembering, of feeling a trace of real ‘I,’ that lifts you up above the level of your negative ‘I’s which are all the time telling you without a pause that you have every right to be negative.” V. 1, p. 161 BEARING UNPLEASANT MANIFESTATIONS “One sign of Being is the capacity to bear the unpleasant manifestations of others. Why is this a sign of greater Being? The answer is that you cannot do this unless you have seen in yourself what you dislike in others...When you have just criticized someone, go over what you said carefully and apply it to yourself. This neutralizes poison in you.” V. 1, pp. 168, 176

Leo wrote a good piece on self deception. Actualized Quotes #140 By Leo Gura - March 8, 2025 A short while back pondering on the notion of everyone having a psychological blind spot that is mostly seen better by others and particularly that mine was more extensive than people who are more socially functional. In an imaginative conjecture, I posited my self as an expert on the subject of self deception. An inward mirth arose with the realization of the probable ironic loss of credibility. Do you taste the paradox here? With this insight/understanding around self deception there can also be the felt experience of being free from some of the constraints of cultural expectations to varying degrees. But within that also exist traps like justifying or being blinded by one’s own clarity. The landscape is sticky. Similar to the phenomena of guilt and shame, but different. Within our fears and some of the resultant shadows our inner world reflects outwardly the same small worldview. At the present, this notion is mostly an abstract concept more than a particular definite understanding. The I-CHING encourages letting remorse of conscience do its work instead of being trapped by guilt. Forgive yourself. Self criticism can be a bad habit. The stickiness of guilt often perpetuates itself. Forgiving others or letting go of grievances can be accomplished more easily if one can forgive oneself for one’s inevitable mistakes. Just wanted to spontaneously share a little bit here. I may reread this later and comment more.

Here are a few of my picks of random YouTube shorts,,,,, I waste too much time watching YouTube shorts. Oh well,, it’s not THAT bad. I had a good productive day. Tomorrow it’s supposed to rain.

Mars is in retrograde Everyone who reads this is a Liar. 🔥We are all liars. 🔥 Don’t kid yourself. All men are dead, except those who know. All those who know are dead, except those who practice. All those who practice are dead, except those who act. All those who act are lost, except those who act with righteous intent. And those who act with righteous intent are all in grave danger. Remorse will bring conscious suffering, which is seeing and feeling your own mechanical behaviour or negativity and seeing that you cannot do anything about it. Conscious suffering will bring the Work deeper into you and therefore will increase your Being so that Conscience can speak. It will give a constant and unflagging need to work and pass the first threshold. Conscious suffering is the medicine to make the automaton surrender to the permanent witness. - from Higher Being Bodies; Ocke de Boer.

Reading this journal you would think I’m somewhat extroverted. Not really. I’m rather introverted in addition to being rather non-expressive with my speech. Talking just wears me out. Most of the time. Here is my I-ching reading/consultation I got for today- Line 5. Childlike folly brings good fortune. In its positive meaning, "childlike folly" refers to the person who has an innocent attitude in which he sees the good that is possible in all situations. The key ingredient here is allowing things to be transformed after having said the inner No to what is incorrect. This attitude always draws the Helpers that bring good fortune. In its negative meaning, it refers to the view of the collective ego that for his spiritual development, a person needs to seek out a human leader or master. The line can also refer to viewing the I Ching as a "sacred text" that can only be approached if one observes the taboos that have been placed around it. Among these taboos are: that one can only consult it for "important" matters; that one needs to understand the interrelationship of the trigrams; that it is only a book for telling the future; that it is a compilation of ancient wisdom; that it is a binary code or ancient set of mathematical principles (making it into a mechanical system); that it was written by wise humans (denying the influence of the Sage); that it is to be seen as one of "man's great achievements"; that one is not meant to question any part of its text; and that one needs a trained human sage to interpret it. These ideas present the I Ching as complicated, distant, and forbidding, inspiring the person who approaches it with awe and fear. They cause him to miss the fact that the I Ching is meant to connect with him through his ordinary experience. This is the opposite of the innocent (childlike) and simple way a person is meant to approach the I Ching, meaning free of preconceived ideas.

. My description was inaccurate above. When anger is experienced. There is a specificity in the cause. An identification of some kind,,,, In times of depression or apathy everything seems off. There is a heaviness and the expression “deficient emptiness” fits very well with the felt experience. After rereading what I had written. It occurred to me that the expression of “having a monkey on your back” related more precisely to episodes of working through an addiction. Specifically withdrawal from whatever the substance was. It’s difficult for me to say which addiction was more difficult to overcome, alcohol or cigarettes,,, in a way, cigarettes were more difficult because of the frequency of use and also the accompanying habits of coffee or mechanical habits of the instinctive/ moving center. I always reached for a cigarette after meals or after sex or whenever I got into vehicle. With alcohol the feeling of self-hatred was often present when I started in the direction to go drink. Having decided in a capitulation of sorts to satisfy the craving. Alcohol was definitely a coping mechanism. It took years before I didn’t crave alcohol. A number of years of binge drinking. I attended some AA meetings a few times. It’s a good organization. When you’re alone and hurting the meetings can help you ‘stay on the wagon’. My last binge drinking was in February of 2005. It began with drinking some mouthwash. Followed by a 12 pack plus. I didn’t drink mouthwash and beer together,,,,,. That would probably cause heartburn. You know,,, What’s wrong with being lighthearted?? I quit cigarettes in the year 2000. There are a lot of substances that can be addictive. Alcohol, tobacco,and narcotics are addictive in different ways. Shaming people who are addicts doesn’t help. In my opinion, the addict should be the one who decides when and how to initiate the intentional suffering necessary to reach the end of their addiction. Don’t divide a person against themselves by shaming them. Psychedelics are not physically addictive but people can use them in a reckless way. Such as simple dissociation from life. That makes them appear to others as an addiction of sorts,, It discredits the psychotherapeutic use of psychedelics. Being what they are, though, psychedelics can be useful for ‘getting the monkey off your back’ for those who are trying to quit a physically addictive substance. Using a crutch to quit an addiction is usually frowned upon by conventional attitudes but I’m all for it,,, It worked for me in quitting cigarettes,,,,

Gratitude Of all the “passions” in the enneagram or the 7 deadly sins, I view anger to be one of the most intense and difficult to work with, besides fear, which is my chief feature or stumbling block. In the past, a state of deep anger produced with it the general feeling of, everything is wrong. There was an unsettled quality present. Similar also to another period in my life which was one of chronic depression. The expression of- ‘having a monkey on your back’ seemed to describe it, to a degree. The point I’m trying to make is the difference found between two states of consciousness witnessed from a distance or the profundity of what a shared hindsight can bring. In the unbalanced state of consciousness whether dominated by apathy or anger I was unable to have any peace. Depression or apathy was a much more difficult condition to get out of. Usually anger was more of a transitional state of consciousness while, at the same time, more intense and unsettling. Deficient emptiness is a good description of how life is felt to be during these episodes dominated by depression or anger. The sensation of having peace is a good description that highlights the difference, contrasting between an unbalanced state of mind and a healthy one. There seems to be an entanglement that produces an amnesia of sorts in the shift between healthy and unbalanced state of consciousness. The following is one of my favorite quotes from Cynthia Bourgeault which well describes a part of the transitional experience between angst and peace of mind. “The repetitive motion of finding oneself through Identification (even true and worthy descriptions) keeps the being energy just below the critical velocity needed to escape the gravitational field of narrative selfhood.” - from Cynthia Bourgeault's book- This has been a rambling discourse about a path described in hindsight. Nuanced clumsily about finding the miraculous hidden within the mundane. What is forgiveness? Do you need forgiveness? Can you forgive yourself? Do you need to forgive yourself? Can you slow down? Terrence McKenna’s term -“Fardow”. The uncomfortableness yet empathy felt when someone else fucks up. When someone else messes up. Do you see you yourself in their making mistakes and does this understanding make forgiveness unnecessary because understanding is complete. Good morning. I need to roll out of bed and start the more active part of my day.