Bombardini

@Shin Yes, it's weird. It's like I have no say in it.

A few times during meditation I've gotten this sense that I contain everything. Just for a second. As it happend it is followed by strong fear and then I'm back to normal again. I would like to explore that state more, but I seem terrified when it shows itself for some reason.

@outlandish Hey! Yeah I think you're right about me snorting too hard. I did it with full power and felt it in my throat afterwards. I will try to chalk it up some more next time as well. Another funny thing is that during my "trip" 40 minutes went by in what seemed more like 10. Maybe you're right that I missed it somehow, I don't know.

I just did 20mg of 5-meo HCl and all I felt was some slight unease in my chest, some light energy movement in my chest. I was so disappointed! Is it possible that I snorted too hard and that the substance didn't get fully absorbed in the nostrils? (Even though it burned pretty good) I was expecting alot more from 20mg.

@Mal That's all there is, isn't? Think I'll try taking some time off the forum and just do the practice. Thanks Mal!

@Leo Gura How do you purifie youreself? By chasing after it?

Hello everyone! I'm starting this journal as a place for me to store my thoughts and personal insights on this journey. I often find myself wanting to write certain thoughts and insights down, but just never get to it. Well, what better place to start than right here. I have a feeling that many of my entries will have a lot of open questions, since I don't really know much. I greatly appreciate and encourage questions and feedback from you, the reader. Although this journal will serve it's purpose without it as well. If you should choose to comment on my entries I hope you are as brutally honest with me as I try to be to myself. Call me out on my bullshit, if you smell it! Other than that I really don't know what to expect. I just had this urge to write this down. I guess we'll see where it goes, this might be the only entry I ever do, who knows. Shortly about me I'm 24 years old and live in Sweden. I've always been employed and I'm going back to school this autumn. I've been unhappy the majority of my adult life. A year ago I ran upon Leo's mindfulness meditation video, and that's how I got familiar with all these concepts of self-actualization, meditation, non-duality and so on. He managed to motivate me enough in his videos for me to keep a daily meditation habit which is what I've been doing up to this point. I started devouring self-help literature, I took Leo's Life Purpose course and I found myself watching different self-help videos for hours each day. One day I had an experience during meditation(described below). Since then I've been trying to get back to the same state: "Maybe this sitting, I will experience peace." "Maybe if I meditate 1 hour longer each day, I will get back there faster." "I just need to read a few more books, before I can be....[insert desired state]." "Maybe this next book will hold the answers to all my problems." It's not working out though... I'm going around in life with all these concepts and rules about how to get laid, get self-esteem, to become enlightened, be masculine, be happy and have a life purpose, and all that. It's overwhelming and exhausting. And where has it gotten me? There might be a difference for a few days after reading about some new concept which I'm extra mindful about implementing, but I always end up in the same default miserable state. Has true change ever taken place? I doubt it. While friends and colleges might talk about some personal problem, I can easily come up with answers based off of the concepts I've been reading about in all my books. And sure, I might look knowledgeable(To those who don't see past my inauthenticity), but look at my own life, it's a mess! I feel like such a fucking fraud. I feel fake. This self-help stuff has become part of my identity. A self-help know-it-all with social anxiety...what a lie. After receiving some wisdom from users of this forum ( @Mal, @charlie2dogs ) I kind of recognized that it's never going to be enough. My mind is insatiable. It always needs to know more and understand more fully, it never ends. So I gave it up, and it felt as if a big burden had been lifted off of me. Maybe I don't need to add more to who I am, maybe I am already complete and just need to work with what I've got? So that's what I'm shooting for, this point forward. Thank you all, Bombardini

Broken sexuality These last few days this girl I used to see started to contact me again. We meet up and hung out for a while and the next day she kept texting me. She sent some pictures to me in which she shows off some parts of her body. I immediately got this strong urge to release. I resisted it for a while, trying to stay present with the feeling. But I craved her body so much. I wanted her so bad. I gave in eventually, several times. Might as well go for the world record if I've already fucked up, right. Interesting thing in all of this is I've managed to stay fap free for a decent amount of time before this. It rarely crossed my mind, except occasionally when you'd see some sexual ad or something like that. And those times I could easily just drop it and just move on. But as soon as I started to interact with a female again, well there you go. It's this constant pussycraving that's making be act like a little boy in all my relationships with women. "I'll do anything you say, as long as I get some sex later." Why do I need it so bad? I want to say I'm just a horny s-o-b, but that can't be the entire truth. I wouldn't have released today if I had to do it without the mental images of her in my head. I don't care about the actual fapping or porn or whatever. The thing is my behavior destroys any chance of having an authentic connection with a female. When I'm more concerned about getting laid than the person in front of me. I'm a pussyslave. Another run at Nofap starts tomorrow. But I'm not sure the solution is that easy.

@Sultan In practice, nothing.

The way Leo describes it is a bit different from the way Shinzen Young does. I preferd to do have Shinzens description in the back of my mind, rather than Leo's. You can easily find it if you google do nothing+ Shinzen young. It's a pdf-file.

Hey Cuzzo! I think this link covers your problem and contains pretty much everything you need to know on the subject. http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=15558.0

@charlie2dogs Okay Charlie, I will write you later!

Then I'm lost. Don't I need some guidance? I thought having some kind of spiritual teacher along the way was a good thing. I also read in Ayla's journal about meditation beeing a "run away behavior" from true spiritual work. I'm so confused. Different people claiming this and that. What is actually true? How do one actually go about this? Ugh, this is depressing. I almost feel like just giving up.

I have an idea about it in my mind, from all the things I've read and listened to. Seeing through the supposed illusion of the ego identity and therefore seeing reality as it is. I'm not sure if that's the answer you were looking for. On an emotional level I seek it because I'm unhappy. Life feels empty and meaningless most of the times.

@charlie2dogs I'm having trouble understanding you, but I'll try to answer anyway, though I might misunderstand you. Are you saying spiritual teachers such as Spira and Tolle serve no purpose? That they claim to have answers they don't? If so, what action are you suggesting one takes exactly? If following, say Spiras practice is wrong. And what makes you think you're more qualified than Spira? I want to awaken, as far as I can tell. Suffering sucks..

@Emerald Wilkins It's also an excellent way to get blue balls. Then you better not have a job that involves much physical moving. ?

Hey! I've been thinking about this. Isn't it a fragile path to take, making enlightenment your primary goal and purpose? I realize that it is THE root solution for, well everything? But most seekers actually never end up as finders from what I've gathered. There might also be no visible progress for long periods of time which would make it hard for a person to stay motivated. After all what action can you actually take towards this goal? Retreats and dayily meditation? In comparison a person could follow their actual wants and needs whatever they may be, make visible progress maybe even succeed and end up realizing that it did not bring true fulfillment. I've seen several people arguing that experiencing that realization for oneself might be necessary for some people. I made it my priority for a period of time. But watching Rupert Spira, reading books about spirituality and meditating all day just brought me down in the end. I saw no progress, and certainly felt no inner peace. All the while my wants was still there, real as ever. To awakend can take a lifetime, if it happens at all. Isn't it a ballsy move just betting it all on one hand, if you know what I mean?

I've used this technique for the better part since I started a meditation habit, which is about 7 months ago now. It's brought me some great experiences, especially when you get that feeling of not beeing the thinker. However I'm not very fond of the labeling process. It seems to provoke more monkey mind in me and the feeling of being the thinker. However when I'm totally lost and can't focus in on anything at all, it may help me to soak in one experience at a time. So I can totally see it's place as well. You do 60-90 min a day? In one sitting? That's impressive, for how long have you been at it?

@popi Sure would be nice if one could just fucking relax and stop worrying about stupid things like other people's opinions of oneself, huh?

@abrakamowse @Mal Thanks guys! I've actually been practicing mindfulness meditation pretty much daily for 7 months now. You might be right about there beeing thoughts in the middle of conversations @abrakamowse but I'm not aware of them if that's the case. I just get this unplesant feeling and wanting to escape the situation. However I can actually relate to what you're saying @Mal. About 3-4 months ago I had an experience during meditation. There was a distance between me and my thoughts and I could watch them pass by in a totally different way than I've ever could before. I've still never felt such bliss during meditation as I did that day. The following days where the best days of my life. I've never felt more alive or more 'me' than during those days. No insecurities, no hesitation, totally confident, but not in a cocky fake way. Just love and compassion. I remember thinking that the joy of expressing myself authentically makes me so happy, what else do I really need? What else can make me this peacefull? I DIDNT EVEN WANT TO PLAY VIDEO GAMES, I'd sit and meditate instead(this is huge for me). During these days it seemed as though my entire reality shifted. Every interaction was different. People would open themselves up for me, in a whole new way. And I was totally clear in my mind, no stress(which I usually suffer from in my line of work). I can't really put it into words...I'd been shy, timid and a big people pleaser my entire life and much of it just disappeard over a very short period of time. However during these days while meditating, I remember feeling an intense fear, "Can life be this good?" "How long will this last?" "Who am I?" The "effects" slowly begun to fade away during the following weeks and months. I started getting stuck in my mind again. The thoughts started to feel "heavy" again and it felt like I was beeing possessed almost. I was getting back to my old familiar self again. And I don't like that guy I remember watching myself beeing shy again and thinking "What the fuck am I doing?". It almost felt like I was acting. Because I then knew it wasnt me, I've experienced me and that shy fearfull guy is not it. Today I'm totally back in beeing identified with my thoughts(monkey mind) and still fighting the same battle I did when I first started this Self-actualization journey. Also I just want to thank you guys for sharing your knowledge and advice about these things here. There is no one else I can talk about these sort of things about. Youtube is great but human interactions is something special. Truly, thank you!

Authority figures and people who I rate "better than me" I have a really hard time looking in the eyes. Basically if I feel inferior. If I feel superior to someone (I'm not saying this with any pride, but it's the truth) I can look them straight in the eyes. Then they usually are the ones to break eye contact.. Funny how things work..

Interesting! My personal problem occurs when I'm conversating with other people (some people more than others). I get so uncomfortable and have a hard time keeping eye contact. It feels like all blood rushes to the head. During this I'm so busy not coming of as a complete weirdo. It feels like just stopping and taking the observer position as in meditation is hard. I guess it's a practice, as you mention. Thanks for the advice anyways!

Yes, symptom is a better word for it.

If I understand you correctly you're saying that personal trait which we call "shyness" is simply the result of not beeing present with the feeling that arises in situations in which we would label ourselves as shy?

So the sentence stem exercises really worked for you?