Venus

Honestly this issue of not being able to make a decision is still my biggest problem. I'm led here in bed at 11am wondering what to do with my day, or week or life, and have been doing this every day for a fortnight. I'm wondering which dream to chase first, which habit to work on etc. Why is it so difficult to decide? Perhaps it's because I still feel like I'll fail. I've just read through some old posts and that was and is a big problem for me. But I just need to decide. I will do that before 1:30 and get back to you!! On a lighter note, relating to the part I said 2 years ago that I've been into PD for ages and it doesn't seem like I've changed anything and blah blah blah. Well being two years on from there, i will say that: Firstly, yes I have more unused knowledge again since then. Yes I still get depressed often. bUt.... There has been changes. The depression is for shorter periods and I'm generally very self aware of it and where it's come from and how to tackle it. It's usually a case of me beating myself up because I haven't achieved enough that day or so and don't feel good enough. The solution is to get reconnected with my dreams and what I want to achieve in life and then start doing small things that work towards that. Socialising with loved ones also helps a lot, or doing something scary but exciting. I'm much more self accepting. Probably from practice and the constant recognition that it's the most important thing for me, so when I've been feeling worthless, not telling myself "I'm shit" but being understanding and loving and recognising I'm human and the intentions or feelings behind my actions. This works in with the dealing with depression. As a result of this developed self acceptance, I feel much more relaxed and peaceful. I've still a long way to go but I've also gotten far which is nice. I'm more courageous and/or fearless. I feel like this has come about after spending lots of time away from home living with others and having to be very independent; dealing with the challenges, especially hitch hiking for the first times. Another is living with people much more independent than me and having to pick my heels up and keep up with them. All these issues that I've had to overcome and how I've seen them grow me very quickly makes me very excited for my time traveling in a few months around Asia. Also I feel I've gotten better with girls. Simple practice really. I've been in a two year relationship now that's pretty strong and has been a great contributor to my PD

Interesting read on how a true self cannot exist (by the means of science at least): https://digest.bps.org.uk/2017/08/22/there-is-no-such-thing-as-the-true-self-but-its-still-a-useful-psychological-concept/ '...views on the true self are highly subjective and skewed by our own judgments of what is good (psychopaths, for instance, see morality as less central to identity presumably because morals are less important to them). Our beliefs about the true self also seem “evidence-insensitive” – claims made about the true self “may completely contradict all available data”. The authors conclude: “These two features – radical subjectivity and unverifiability – prevent the true self from being a scientific concept.” '

Notice how the depressed animals are the ones that are kept as pets; the ones that hang around us all the time. I think I agree with Leo in that animals are usually surrendered to the moment, however 'the only animals that may occasionally experience something akin to negativity or show signs of neurotic behaviour are those that live in close contact with humans and so link into the human mind and its insanity.'...as said by Eckhart Tolle.

Finding my meta-meta-belief - my recent focuses and feelings At the moment/recently my thoughts and focus are mostly on the idea of beliefs: Over the last few weeks I had some pretty bad hits of depression and after reading up on beliefs and Tony Robbins and doing lots of self inquiry, I realised that this depression stems from a few strong limiting feelings deep down. One main one that I noticed was the feeling of hopelessness. It felt like everything I tried would always fail. If I knew that a certain technique should help me change my beliefs and feel better, this hopeless feeling just parred it off with the belief that it wouldn't work and would keep this horrid feeling of "no hope for future goodness". My mind believed that all things I could do that would make me happier, I would not be able to do, I would need it up. Therefore, inevitably, I felt a strong overwhelming sense of hopelessness. I'm gonna say it's consciousness now, but it didn't seem like it at the time; but I think through being conscious enough I started to see the reality of it and how beliefs really control everything and their illusory nature. Not just this but also the visualisation techniques (Psycho-Cybernetics stuff) at the same time helped me break out of this and focus on good stuff, stuff I had control of; helped me see that I do have control and things can get better. This broke me out of this cycle and I'm so thankful that it did because I have nothing but pure compassion for someone who lives in that state of mind. It's an inferno; an oven with no door. Without the consciousness and understanding of it's falseness, I really don't know how anyone would manage. It's utterly heartbreaking thinking people live there, and understandable how it is the place people are when they decide not to live anymore. Consciousness is the way out. We must realise the lie behind the fear. Now I feel much more in control because of my focus on the ability of beliefs. I will admit that I still do feel a limiter of "I will mess up the things that will make me happy", but I'm conscious of it and it's on its way to a change. But it can only change if I don't let it be behind the force of the change, because it's exact essence actually tries to stop it's very self from being destroyed since removing it would allow me to make myself happy, and its whole purpose is to stop that. It creates it's own wonderful survival circle. I can't deny that it's pretty smart. But yeah, that core limiting beliefs needs to be replaced with empowering ones of the same strength, and at the moment I'm really focused and pondering what is that one belief that allows all greatness to be in a person. Since beliefs make way for a person's abilities, this belief has to be a belief about beliefs. It has to be a meta-belief. I feel like because of how core and deep this belief is meant to be, it needs another 'meta'. So currently I'm trying to form my meta-meta-belief. Goodnight.

Time for deeper meditation This confusion is the transition into a new level of understanding. It's needed for growth. Don't let it overwhelm you and you drop back down, but be with it and have faith that it's just the figuring out of how to reach the next level. Call it what you want: unsurety; depression; overwhelmed; it is all just confusion and a mind that is calling out for a greater, more empowering understanding. So don't fight with it, be with it and guide it to replace all your disempowering beliefs with whatever they need to be replaced by. Don't fight, don't fight.

Salvation in depression (poem attempt) There's a great bliss to the action of sitting with the overwhelming voices of a mind hit by depression. When it hits and everything goes fuzzy, there's no words for what is the real problem but "FUCK OFF!"; That's when you sit; that's when you watch: The twirls and the swoops, The zooms and booms, they're there to bring you bliss; It's a firework show in your mind That only hurts when you resist. Understandably the energy is overwhelming, And can be described as anything but calming. But there's a place behind its shout, That it feels it's pulled you out.. A place of calm, That can't be harmed. Eternal bliss; stillness. It's empty of voice, or anything loud...or anything at all Yet everything's there. From here is where you sit - you've got a front row seat, To the fireworks of fear, That admittedly can give a kind of scary heat. Remember this show is just for you, You've got a wild mind on fire! No one else gets this spectacular view, A head filled with dragons, explosions, magic and pirates. I understand from your point of view, You feel like a pussy, oh yes you do, But look from a place a little higher, And you'll realise Hun, That you're a fucking tiger! So sit with it, be with it, It's truly a sight of wonder. Don't run from it, don't fight with it, It's only a little thunder. An opportunity into God's heavenly cribb; In the jacuzzi of joy you can't miss a cheeky dip, Although if I'm truly honest I will admit, That sometimes depression does feel a little shit.

Using your succes mechanism - you can't do the job for it Your internal success mechanism works by you consciously adding images into it and then it works by itself to make those images a reality. You cannot consciously create the outcome of the image as that's not consciousness's job. If we continuely become "too careful" and keep focusing and checking consciously how the results are going, we skew the results with our anxiety and worry and our over attention and over carefulness sabotage us. "Yet that is precisely what modern man tries to do - solve all his problems with thought". "Give up the feeling of responsibility, let go your hold, resign the care of your destiny to higher powers, be genuinely indifferent as to what becomes of it all.... It is but giving your private convulsive self a rest, and finding that a greater Self is there." (Psycho Cybernetics, Maxwell Malts, Pg. 78) Relax about your goals. Just focus on imagening them and that's all. Let life do the rest. If you find yourself stressing then you know you're trying too hard. Yeah shit will go wrong for going towards the goal, but life will correct that for you, that's not your job. Just chill.

Daily meditation: streak day 17 - 10 mins - do nothing Dem daily feels - "I'm an insecure leader... But I'm working on it"; my journey with visualisations I'm still keeping up the leader visualisations. I found it super stressful today though. I've been at school trying to keep strong in my "leader identity" which to me involves being confident and chill. That doesn't mean forcing it, it means having that image of yourself as that kind of person habitually, in theory. This self image quite juxtaposes the usual one I have, usually with me feeling outcasted, anxious and panicky in school. So at school I think I push it a little too much, worrying that I need to keep visualising and keep visualising the "leader personality" to keep myself strong which is good to be fair, in the sense that I'm keeping up the habit, but at the same time I'm still encouraging that worry and over thinking so really part of the visualisation needs to be me seeing myself as relaxed and also have a clearer image in my head because I keep just going "hey, a leader isn't bothered by people's negative opinions" etc. and it's starting to become "shoulds" which leads to over expectations and stress and that's when the old habits of insecurity start to pop back up which I really noticed at times today at school. School is definitely one of my bigger triggers, I think mainly because it's loads of people there that I, involuntarily, feel the need to impress at the same time as feel a small feeling of "oh they don't like me", because of some shit that happened in the past and a bunch of people turned out to be twats. But yeah it got to me quite hard I guess. I've been stressing too about TS and making sure the drama was gonna go well, which I've felt has been a big strain on the "becoming a leader" visualisations I'm doing, so I guessI'm doing pretty well for myself ? I defo noticed the leader side coming out and excelling when I was there which defo shows that stress has been affecting my "leader" personality a lot at school since there is where I feel most stressed and uncomfortable and unconscious. I also really realised again today how important it really is just to let out stress, talk about it, find someone who will listen because it's so easy to tie ourselves up inside and not see how tight and shit we're feeling until after we let it out and just talk to someone and go "ah wow I feel so light now...what the heck, how did I not sit something was wrong before?". It doesn't even have to be venting, it could just be chatting to someone about something you're passionate about and they understand it, that's what mine was today. It just let's your heart breath. Tomorrow is gonna be even better you beaut. ❤

Your life is your art. Never let yourself believe that you're doing it wrong or broken. Your authenticity is beautiful and the greatest gift this world could ever receive. So let it out and let it in.

7/7/17 Daily meditation: streak day 13 - 10 mins - do nothing. Recent focus - Just do! Especially today, but yesterday I remember also, I've noticed myself focusing on confidence and trying to improve mine by visualisations and positive worrying so that I can be more confident socially. I've been relating it also to life blueprints and concluding that I have a blueprint that you need to be popular and liked by many to be a worthy person, hence why I so often find my focus being pulled toward how I look to others and trying/wanting to make myself seem more "cool". I've been wondering how to change blueprints, but there's also the problem of changing how capable you feel of meeting your blueprint (which seems the easier of the two atm) and I've been seeing visualisations and the law of attraction as a good way for that, with what I've whittled down to be a good visualisation being seeing myself as a leader, although also a bunch of other ones I just end up trying out whenever I find myself worrying. The thing I've just started asking for is harmony. My best, most peaceful states have always come from a harmonised place where I was at one with myself and everything and everyone, and was more loving and accepting of what was; when I stopped trying so hard and just let myself Be. So that's my prayer and I slowly see it being answered...no, actually quite quickly. The more I ask and focus on it the stronger it seems the answering. Just this eve, I was speaking to a close friend/neighbour who's 41 and really easy to talk to and a total lad. The main conversation topic became how you need to just do things and have fun whilst you're young and mostly him stressing at me how important it is to do that and just not think so much and how he looks back and sees all the opportunities he missed and wished he took. It really dinged a dong in me. I know oh so well about thinking too much and he really started to open my eyes to how much of an effect it's gonna have on me if I don't change it immediately. So often am I trying to get so much clarity and and make the "perfect" decision that I just become inactive and stressed. For two years I've been into PD and I can't say I've changed much other than the fact I know so much more and feel more depressed. It's because I've been so indecisive over which habits to start creating and which visualisations I should do etc. never actually getting to action. I've know it's that for ages and not decided what I think is the "right thing" to to about it. Coincidentally I saw this post and it dinged, I'm pretty sure, the same dong: "Action precedes clarity". Just fucking do, Sunny Jim. You're gonna die soon and none of that stress and perfection is gonna mean shit. Just do.

Daily meditation: streak day 10 - 13 mins - do nothing Today focus - people pleasing Today I really noticed the focus on how other people see me. There's always such a worry about whether I'm gonna do anything, even if it's so small, that might make someone think negatively of me even a little; so actions become so cautious and delicate and worryfilled. It becomes 75% of the focus and I don't even notice it at times because of how habitual it is. Even when I write this I think about how people may read it and judge me. It's that worry of judgement. I also feel a massive fear of conflict. I notice myself often creating confilct scenarios in my head with the intention of being ready when it does happen, but what I realise is that this is just a reflection of what some of my bigger worries are. So in this case it's obviously a worry that I'm gonna get into conflict with people and I'm gonna get judged and embarrassed and people will dislike me. So I guess that's my biggest insecurity: the constant worry of any judgement at all or negative opinion at me. I notice myself always trying to make people like me and that the main reason I change my behaviour in situations is in response to whether people are displaying that they really like me or not. I'm being a bit of a whore in that way. But don't forget it's who you are at the mo and it's also natural to want praise and opinion.

Daily meditation: streak day 9 - 30 mins - do nothing Recent focuses Over the last few days or week or so I've really noticed my main focus being on this feeling of being unable to have conversations with people will and this need to people please. I've been finding myself getting into the start of a conversation with people and ruining it by suddenly stopping talking or contributung and seeming uninterested out of anxiousness. I know it's me creating it and I can see the worry that causes it, and my main struggle is letting go of this need to feel certain about everything: I need to feel certain that I'll have the right thing to say in a conversation, but that's impossible to plan as well as there being no perfect thing, but on top of that there's also this script anyway that's saying "I'm gonna be bad at this". I also see that I'm making it a much bigger thing than it needs to be, assuming the end of the world if I don't make a conversation go well,but the reality is that what I'm doing at the moment really is pretty much the worst that can happen, so trying is only going to end in better results actually. On the nicer side, I've noticed a lot more consciousness lately and that I've been more aware of all the thoughts I've been thinking and the patterns of thought I have and I'm noticing the dysfunctional patterns more. I see it being a massive help. So yeah that's been my focus lately.

Daily meditation - 6 day streak - 15 mins - do nothing Inner child healing/inner body feeling I've been working on "healing the inner child" today and it really seems to be hitting the right turf. It feels similar to when I was going really well with feeling the "inner body", but I don't know why that became hard after a while. This inner child healing is a facing of the inner pain that you've been turning away from and I think I started to forget to do that after getting close with my inner body and I just wanted the bliss it brung, so dismissed the discomfort and then ultimately started being less present with the truth of my real feelings...maybe. That's just a theory of why it became hard. I feel much more real when I face the pain of the child. My experiences feel much richer and my heart feels stronger when I feel into the old pain. It doesn't hurt so much then. It becomes a fire. I feel like a lion. It's funny to see how the little boy me was so scared, but at the same time I can see how easy it was. I don't want to be scared. I was using this website today to help with the inner child stuff. I've not read through it all yet, but it's already shown helpful ways of explaining and talking through it: https://www.mindful.org/healing-the-child-within/

Who would you be if you took away the sad, "depressed", suffering side of you that you mope about everyday? You have no real reason to cling to the idea that you're less fortunate than others. You just do because of the sense of identity it brings you.

Daily mediation - 10 mins ? There are results happening, just look: You're actually finishing books Other stuff But I do think you do need to change something because it seems like really slow progress. I think maybe it's trying loads of habits at once, hence the only daily habit of meditation at the mo ^