Black Elephant

In the light of recent realizations and events, I figured out that the only thing that I always wanted and needed wasn't money, women or superpowers. It was the ability to act without worrying, even when realizing the possible consequences. The ability to be peaceful when writing email with proposal to a professor, planning next year marketing budget or doing taxes. It is a deeper realization, that I got, maybe insight. Something along "If you won't stop worrying about what are you doing or going to do, you are going to have a mental breakdown" So happy right now. Thanks. I know what to do, it will take some time before I adjust to aware mindfull space when doing my tasks, but I feel really good now !!

Thank you, I know all you say in theory. But I can't figure out how to integrate this theory into me, since the one integrating would be the one I have to let go. Thank you, I get what you saying, but wouldn't having a skill while being 10% aware be more exciting from the perspective of your ego? That's what kinda scares me about enlightement. Once I'd be enlightened, wouldn't all those fancy tricks be just redundant as everything? If I feel that everything is the way it should be, it there even any room to pursue those "fancy things"? Like discovering that the game of chess that I've been entertained so long with is pointless, because all the figures are the same color as well as the playing board? Having those powers wouldn't be fun anymore. Also, I still don't know how to let go of my ego not to desire this.

The issue is this - if someone would offer you to be owner of Supernatural powers or be Enlightened, what would you chose? If I look at Osho or Eckhart, I can see that they are great spiritual sages and teachers, but flying or teleportation is more tempting than being smiling old man, that is aware all the time. And from what I know, none of the "englightened beings" of today knows how to fly or teleport, even though those in past reportedly could. (Sorry if I insulted someone, only to make a point.) I am well aware, that this desire to have kind of power over the material world is mainly from the "ego", what I want trully is the deepest peace - I just am not there yet and I have no idea how to get there, If I try to get to the root of this desire, it leads to feeling exceptional, safe and secure - powerful. But I can't translate to reason, how would being aware all the time help me be powerful and safe, even though I tried to do so countless times. Sometimes I can feel the underlying peace , but I still take it as a "biproduct" of my spiritual practice, which main goal is still developing "something more than peace". Any feedback appreciated, thank you! Anyone else suffering from similar issue or am I alone?

Unfortunate, I fell out of the vagon, diary, nutrition and excercise wise. I'm getting little bit anxous because of school and consequences of my first bussiness. Well, starting new line of diary today. _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Update: It was crazy, didn't have time to do diary. And I am not going to write much at weekends, just rutine and todo wise. Anyway, got my first tantric NEO orgasm. It was good, but lasted only few seconds. It's going great, just feeling little bit embarased about it. I am at the edge now, I know I should start NoFap again, but Tantric NEO's are also great. I will learn them and them start easy mode of nofap. Made some meditation music, it's not completed yet, but so far, it was amazing. It is for breathing, I will post it as soon as I complete it.

I think I'm gonna change my diary a bit. I will not write down 3 or more points what happened, but actually more like over all feel of the day and stuff. Just how the whole day been, man 2 really significant things that happened, if I felt particualrly great or bad or stuff. Well, today it was crazy. I had to write 3 - 4 pages for pgroup project and I just couldnt. I am not sure I I was only drunk from the evening or I was in certain crazy state of mind after certain realization I had the evening after, i dont know. Only thing I know is that I couldnt really think strait, butit took me no time to get into treality. I felt certain kind of excitement whole day and talked to a lot of strangers without any reason. Not sure what is happening. My tantric orgasms went wrong, I ejaculated and I ended my NoFap streak, unfortunatelly. I don't feel discouraged, well. it doesn't matter I will just into my old habit again today. More or less. Had some sweets, but I didnt eat nothing substantial, i think kthat might be even worse than if I ate something normal and nutritious. Day 0- Morning meditation. (20 minutes) Day 0 - Fasting (Day 0 - Keto.) Day 0 - NoFap. Day 0 - Exercise. Day 0 - Cold Shower. Day 0 - Evening meditation. (30 minutes) Day 0 - TODO + Diary on time.

Didn't post yesterday. Can't remeber. Got really drunk, I went for a hour long walk. Realized that I know what to do every time, I just don'T act that way when I actually should. It's not about what to do now, since I am aware that at every moment I pretty much know what to do,. Irght now it's basically about actually doing it. Experienced great tantric orgasm. Ended my fasting streak, since I was so drunk I was really hungry. Day 2 - Morning meditation. (20 minutes) Day 0 - Fasting (Day 0 - Keto.) Day 3 - NoFap. Day 0 - Exercise. Day 0 - Cold Shower. Day 0 - Evening meditation. (30 minutes) Day 0 - TODO + Diary on time. Need to take this really seriously, It isnt that i am not taking this seriously, its just that sometimes i have really bad days. When I drink for example. I mean ... when I drink, i then contemplate the reality alone, i retreat to a corner, get quiet all of the sudden and just think about things. I explore reality and stuff, newer had a ny drugs, but I know that if I had some drug - especially alone, I would just sit into the corner and contemplate the reality again, as well as I am doing with a alcohol.

Morning meditation is the best. 15 minutes gave me the benefit of 20 mins before bed. Have think about it, there is the possibility of eliminating Zazen from evening and trasferring it to the morning. Need place to masturbate and train tantric orgasms, I have 2 roommates, so bathroom would be really suspicious. Today I am feeling strangely at ease, might be coz of 15 mins m.meditation, could be because I practices wim hoff thoroughly yesterday. But it's time to start doing everything I planned fully - not half assed like until now. Took 20 minutes of english and completed few tasks - I realized that when cold calling the schools, I need to do pauses to realize my own infinity of being and relax. It was alright. WHAT I LEARNED: Speaking silver, silence gold. Seriously. If someone asks, tell them. Otherwise, keep quiet. MEALS: Nothing :)) ROUTINES: Day 1 - Morning meditation. (20 minutes) Day 0 - Fasting (Day 0 - Keto.) Day 3 - NoFap. Day 2 - Exercise. Day 2 - Cold Shower. Day 2 - Evening meditation. (30 minutes) Day 2 - TODO + Diary on time. Okay, let's do all now.

TO DO (30.11 - 4.12) AIESEC Cold call at least 10 schools, offering the project (take 20 minutes of in monday + 8.00 - 8.50) (5/10) Write to 2 friends in order to get an endorsement letters, so I can apply to become Vicepresident of our branch. (I did my best, I can't influence what will they respond.) Fill in the application for the VP position. (DDL 5.12) Remind the video for EP - schools. SCHOOL Urgent: Project for Marketing (DDL 5.12) Project for Management (DDL 7.12 / Presentation 10.12) Test from Microeconomics (4.12) (Ex. 6.2.3) Test from Mathematics (4.12) Project for Math (4.12) Write down all Spanish tenses, fill in at least 4 pages. _______________________________________________________________ Non-urgent: International trade presentation (12.12) Marketing presentation (12.12) Final test accounting (10.12) OTHER Get the washing machine Look at Erasmus internships. (31.12) Finalize my Exercise, Yoga and Meditation routine.

Unfortunatelly, I cannot edit older posts and cross out things from my to do list. For that I guess I will need to create new thread then. WHAT I LEARNED: Trust the intuition. Tantric orgasms are great. WHAT HAPPENED: Sunday, mainly procrastination all day long. I should unninstal my games or learn how to manage it more. Actually, when I was sitting in a car, I got back to the present moment without even trying as I used to do in the past. I'm getting there step by step I guess. I feel like I am slacking on my routines. Also, I get into state at the end of 1st term when I start to doubt my uni again. I am trying to solve dilema - spirituality × career (school). I know my main aim is spirituality, but I also know that being spiritual master is not enough for me, I want to strive for excelence when it comes to science as well as spirituality. It's one of the things why I joined AIESEC and im applying for VP, even though i know it's gonna be really hard. But still, I will value my routines and development / learning more than university degree or clases themselves. I'm here from two reasons, I take it as an last opurtunity to get "my act together", before I find real job. To lose weight and get some routines going so when I get out of college (drop, finalize it) I wont become depressed because I have nothing that would define me. Well, I guess at that point I wouldnt be vulnerable to social labeling, but who knows. Always thought that I have to search really vigorously to find peple that are ""above me"" when it comes to personal development and self-awareness. I know I've done a lot of work and I discovered lot of things about myself, but it turns out I just have to search in different aspects - I can also learn from Blue guy, when he knows how to communicate clearly and preciselly and I dont. TODO: Finalize the EB application + ask 1 more friend to send EL Send emails to refuted EP's Mathematics - finalize the project + test MAN - Find out the deadline+find out what Empowerement in management context is. MEALS: 13.00 - Few potatoes + 3 fatty steaks, Ate whole 200 g chocolate + sweets. Gonna gain weight. ROUTINE: Day 0 - Morning meditation. (20 minutes) Day 0 - IF (16/8) Day 0 - Keto. Day 2 - NoFap. Day 2 - Exercise. Day 2 - Cold Shower. Day 1 - Evening meditation. (30 minutes) Day 1 - TODO + Diary on time. Okay, let's do all now.

Hi, some time ago, I heard that non-ejaculatory tantric orgasms could be used as one of the means of exploring awareness. (Cannot give you the source, but I can swear I read / heard that) At that time, I had really long NoFap strike, so I didn't want to break it. I realized that when at 20+ days of NoFap and I orgasm, I feel deep peace 15 - 30 minutes after, as if I was meditating for some time. Today I stumbled on some no-bs looking guide (needs more research ofc, but it was pretty nice expained) https://www.nateliason.com/blog/multiple-orgasms-men?fbclid=IwAR0_zV-kA0ik-O5rkCIRu5uzO6u8kOU4lY8KxqDV0Wmw6_Cl4N1m-IAN-pA I love NoFap, but I think this could be great. Since NoFap is about getting rid of porn addiction and semen retention (+ building discipline by not getting instant serotonine and pleasure when you want), I think this isn't even contradictory, If you use your sexual energy wisely and soberly. Been doing awareness work for few years now and had some peak experiences, not planning to stop. But thought this could spice things up a bit. Anyone has any experience with this stuff? Thanks !! PS: Sorry, wrong discussion topics, i think formally it should go to the "Spirituality, Enlightement" one.

1.12.2018 WHAT I LEARNED: I am atached to my family more than I think. Looks like it is true, if you live with somebody long enough - almost doesn't matter how flawed he is, you will periodically grow keen on him. Politely refuse food if you are on a diet, if you have birthday party, make sure to let others know that you don't eat sweets. WHAT HAPPENED: 1. I did some work. Unfortunatelly I still played most of the time, but I leanred how to do math homework efficiently and I got some minor work done. 2. Got an amazing endorsement letter. I think it was the best thing that has been written about me. I should shorten those posts, they take a lot of my time. Well, I guess I've been doing posts from past. I guess 10 minutes max will not kill me. 10 minutes morning / 10 minutes evening. TODO: Finalize the Routine - almost done VP application - In waiting Test for marketing - Asymptots done - 3 more topics to go. EXPA - Send max cap to applicants MEALS: Let's not count it today. ROUTINE: Day 1 - Morning meditation (20 minutes) Day 0 - IF (16/8) Day 1 - NoFap Day 1 - Cold Shower Day 1 - Exercise Day 0 - Evening meditation (30 minutes) Day 0 - Diary on time Day 0 - Duolingo

30.11.2018 update 18.00 WHAT I LEARNED: Always preciselly say what you think. Even if the other person wont like it, especially if you wont meet them in a future. If you do meet them, then own it anyway. Something needs to be done about the procrastination thing. WHAT HAPPENED: 1. Nothing really happened, I had free day, so ... 2. Well, I got my washing machine delivered, the delivery guy was quite rude and disrespectful. But I was afraid to say something to him personaly. Wont happen in future. MEALS: 9.00 - 2 Slices of Cheesecake | 13.00 - Sausage with rice ROUTINE: Day 0 - Morning meditation (20 minutes) Day 0 - IF (16/8) Day 0 - NoFap Day 0 - Cold Shower Day 0 - Exercise

TO DO (30.11 - 4.12) AIESEC Cold call at least 10 schools, offering the project (take 20 minutes of in monday + 8.00 - 8.50) Write to 2 friends in order to get an endorsement letters, so I can apply to become Vicepresident of our branch. (I did my best, I can't influence what will they respond.) Fill in the application for the VP position. (DDL 5.12) Remind the video for EP - schools. SCHOOL Urgent: Project for Marketing (DDL 5.12) Project for Management (DDL 7.12 / Presentation 10.12) Test from Microeconomics (4.12) (Ex. 6.2.3) Test from Mathematics (4.12) Project for Math (4.12) Write down all Spanish tenses, fill in at least 4 pages. _______________________________________________________________ Non-urgent: International trade presentation (12.12) Marketing presentation (12.12) Final test accounting (10.12) OTHER Get the washing machine Look at Erasmus internships. Finalize my Exercise, Yoga and Meditation routine.

29.11.2017 - Will update tommorow WHAT I LEARNED: Be precise in your speach, say what you think, but clearly and care about conveying the true message that you want to convey. There is no point in being angry at innocent people. Either change yourself or the situation, NEVER never be angry at the innocent. Not even a sub-tone in your voice! Ye ... I need to learn how to manage procrastination. Agile management could be applied in real life, 15 minutes in the morning to set day goals. Then at 12 and 16, summarize what I done and what needs to be done. 1. I couldn't preciselly convey my message and I almost hurt a lot of other people. We have this problematic prof, where you have to really watch what you are saying. I need to find my balance with him. Tell the truth full on or be quiet and good student in order to get the exam? Not sure yet. I don't like the second option, but If he hates you, you can't finish the course = kicked outta school. 2. Today, I said something that I shouldn't have to when I was angry for no reason. Well, there was a reason, but nobody coulve done a thing about it in that situation, so the anger was pointless. 3. I PROCRASTINATED A LOT. IF I WANNA GET THROUGH EXAMS, I NEED TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. 4. We had pretty borin lecture about agile management, well, there were some good points. Anyway, i am starting to thing more and more that universities are pointless if you can study by yourself. PS: Weird coincidence - I am applying for Vicepresident of our org. branch in Marketing, DDL is 5.12. Few months before this, I wanted to write down "MKG presentation" at 12.12, but I missclicked and wrote it at 5.12 + It actually got autocorrected to "MKG President". No kidding, I remember that lol. So I open my calendar and I see the date and time for the application already in, even though i was sure I never typed it.