ivory

@preventingdiabetes There are tools out there to help you identify your core values. A good one will probe you for 10 potential values and help you narrow them down to three or so. Do a google search for something like "CBT core value discovery". Your core values look ok, but I believe you can clarify them even further. It's also possible that your values will change as you mature and grow or face new challenges. Mine are: Courage, action, and life-long learning

@electroBeam I read some of your posts and sorta suspected that. You seem to be in a nihilistic headspace which I can totally relate to. There are a lot of people on this forum who think spiritual people are above friends, but that's not the case. People need people man, it's not healthy to isolate. The most growth you will experience on the path is in relationship. Friends make life worth living. I learned that the hard way.

Beware of the quick fix regardless of the form in which it's peddled.

@ColeMC01 I used to think that I could be happy with a girl who I perceived as average as long as she was sweet and fairly cute. And, that's what I got in my last relationship. After a while I got really bored in the relationship. Sweet was not enough and she put on weight so I was no longer attracted to her. I learned a lot in that relationship. I think it's good to experiment to get clear on what you require in a relationship. But those requirements should be realistic, not some imaginary ideal. To answer your question, can you be satisfied with an average girl? That depends. If you are actualizing, absolutely not. You will leave her in the dust. My current theory is that we need to find someone who is on a similar place on the life journey, has similar values, and is physically attractive on a subjective level. Does that make her average? I dunno. Do you consider yourself average? Find a girl who you consider to have equal value as yourself and who is committed to growing.

@Raven1998 This is a good book for deconstructing the idea of an objective reality: HERE.

@Knowledge There are plenty that know about it. We often call it Dark Night. It's not a fun stage on the spiritual path, but I don't think it's always necessary either. Most are going to experience some level of existential pain with varying intensity. But those who aren't well developed mentally and emotionally are likely to develop psychosis.

@electroBeam I don't think your needs are being met. Do you have a good group of friends?

@Matt23 I agree 100%

@ColeMC01 Ah, ok. No worries. I thought I might address this, though. The truth is, you have very little control over your own emotional growth. You grow emotionally by not running away from challenges and allowing yourself to feel emotions fully. If you are willing to face whatever challenges that life throws at you, you will grow, it's as simple as that, sorta. As humans, we have a tendency to avoid emotions because we think they are bad, or we don't like feeling them. We do this unconsciously. Our job is to become aware of how we avoid emotion and open up. Have you ever heard of the presence process? It's a 10 week program that teaches you the tools to maximize your emotional growth. Highly recommended. You can find it here: Presence Process

@Chives99 I enjoyed reading your posts. You seem like a great guy. A lot of people on this forum will tell you that you should be happy alone, or that you that you are spiritually immature for wanting to be in a relationship. And, that is complete bullshit. If you have never been in a relationship then, of course, you are going to want one. And for good reason, they are awesome. I do agree, however, that you should be relatively happy and content on your own. If you require a relationship to be happy, you are in deep doo doo in this life. That said, it sounds like you are on the right track. I don't completely understand you challenges but you are inquisitive and moving forward despite your limitations so good for you. I wanted to share something with you, it is a book that I hold dear to my heart. I have a lot of experience with women and I can tell you that this book is a true gem: Models by Mark Manson. I don't doubt that you need to work on basic social skills, but this book will at least help you understand attraction and increase your chances of finding the right woman. Good luck sir.

@ColeMC01 It sounds to me like you are the type of person that's easily triggered. If so, that's not going to go away. Your reactions might lessen in intensity, but an emotionally mature version of yourself will accept that you are easily angered. An emotionally mature version of yourself would also exhibit restraint rather than lashing out at others. Your "problem" is that you believe what you are feeling isn't okay. Dude, you have no control. What exactly do you think you can do?

@Elisabeth Well said

Okay, here's the deal. Anyone that tells you that you will completely transcend emotion is full of shit. It's a common misconception in spiritual circles, and it's one that pisses me off dearly. I wrote about this just yesterday here: TLDR; You will always experience some level of emotion. Some clear up, some lessen, some will cease to bother you. I love this quote by Jack Kornfield because it's calling out the BS misconceptions about spiritual life: If you can sit quietly after difficult news; if, in financial downturns you remain perfectly calm; if you can see your neighbours travel to fantastic places without a twinge of jealousy; if you could happily eat whatever is put on your plate; if you can fall asleep after a day of running around without a drink or a pill; if you can always find contentment just where you are: you are probably a dog.

@MysticSoul I don't have a clear vision yet. Honestly, I think the best I can do is help people with some of the challenges that I have overcome or some of the things where I have reached a certain degree of mastery: social skills, addiction, meditation. I don't feel ready to do any of those things just yet. In the mean time, I am considering pursuing a trade job. I am currently a software engineer and I hate it. What kind of career did you make happen?

For the world to move into green - OR - To have a clear vision of meaningful work. I am very unsatisfied in my career right now and I don't see an easy way out.

@Parththakkar12 It doesn't take much for a guy to be physically attractive. A girl doesn't have to be HOT or look like a slut. A cute outfit and a cute face is all it takes. I think @soos_mite_ah is overcomplicating this. Appear open, be warm, and look cute. Boom.

I see a ton of people asking about shadow work on this forum. I think it's because they want to make personal development more complicated than it is. Which is exactly what shadow work is... an overly complicated model for personal development. People who do shadow work are the most lost and confused people I have come across in spiritual circles. That said, shadow work is a form of depth psychology. There's a guy in michigan who writes about depth psychology in detail. He's the only guy I've come across who makes "shadow work" relatively easy to understand and apply. You can check out his work here: WHY WE SUFFER

Welcome to a man's world! We have a barrage of thoughts running through our heads... Does she have a boyfriend? Is she going to be mean? It's going to be awkward if I have nothing to say. What if she rejects me or says no when I ask for her phone number?

@ertopolice I think it's biological instinct not ego

I hear that from women a lot. Most want to be approached. Once and a while I'll meet a woman who enjoys the thrill of the hunt and goes after men themselves. I dated a girl like that when I lived in Portland, a feminist, and I really admired her. I really think that most women can learn a lot from her. I can understand why women would screen for the more confident guys by expecting them to approach, but I can also understand why a women would want to feel empowered and have some control in her life.

@ertopolice Do you use meetup.com? I made most of my friends through discussion-oriented meetup groups. Before COVID we would meet at bars to discuss various topics. Politics, spirituality, science, history, health, etc. Once COVID hit the groups started meeting online via ZOOM. See if you can find any groups on meetup.com that are organizing online. If not, you can always start a new group to bring together people that interest you.

Travel more, make new friends, go on dates, explore your city, try new hobbies, read, listen to podcasts, watch documentaries, etc. You will have no direction in life until get clear on what you want. You won't know what you want until you see what's out there.

@Blightlantern Your situation is pretty common amongst those on a self-development journey. I have been through it as have many on this forum. The younger you are the more painful and isolating you will feel. Most don't consider deeper topics until they reach a certain level of maturity. How old are you? I moved around quite a bit and have spent time in some liberal and some conservative cities and neighborhoods. Where you live matters so make sure you plant roots in an area with a lot of diversity. Keep in eye out for people who: travel, meditate, do yoga, study philosophy, read, watch documentaries, listen to podcasts, are politically liberal, nature lovers, activists, health conscious. If your social circle doesn't look like I just described then you need to get out as much as possible and find your tribe. Also, make sure you temper your expectations with a dose of reality. Don't expect to meet many who are truly on the spiritual path. Keep an open mind and try to find GREEN friends.

@Heaven Jealousy gets a bad wrap. I don't care how "spiritual" a person is, human emotion isn't fully transcended. Ever seen a jealous dog? Jealousy is natural. That said, you can't let jealousy hijack the relationship. Neediness is cancer to a relationship. Also, this girl sounds a bit immature. At a certain level of maturity girls realize that guy friends are mostly dudes waiting for the opportunity to fuck her. This isn't true in all cases, but it's a common dynamic. Girls should also be empathetic to their partner's jealousy. If a girl can't understand your concerns, then you need to ask yourself why you're wasting time on someone who invalidates your feelings. If I were you I would kick off a conversation like this, "It's not easy for me to talk to about this with you because I'm not used to being vulnerable, but I care about you and I don't want to lose you. I will never try to control you or tell you what to do, but your guy friends make me feel insecure because it's obvious that they are attracted to you. I would appreciate it if you could reassure me from time to time, and it would be great if I could get to know your friends better to put my mind at ease."

Shy people tend to be hard to read, boring, and uncomfortable to be around and that is less than ideal for most people. I'm a recovering shy person but I tend to be drawn to girls who are expressive, interesting, and warm. That said, many guys aren't very picky about the girls they are with as long as they are attractive and are willing to have sex with them. Shyness may not be the only reason guys aren't into you but it's hard to say without knowing you.