ivory

Cool dude, nice work!

One more thing I want to clarify, what most people don't realize is that there is no separation between life and spirituality. Spirituality should be ingrained in everything you do. The problem on this forum is that most people think that life isn't spiritual, and that spirituality is something you do when you renounce life. And that is what leads to dysfunction.

@Akemrelax You are exactly right. Nice observation. It varies from person to person. Introversion extroversion is a spectrum. We all have different needs. I think most need to focus on spending more time with friends. I suspect very few here spend too much time with friends as a means to avoid stuff. The way I personally manage is that I hang out with friends until I feel full. Then I go back to my cave to recharge.

@Keyhole At least you are honest about it

@Keyhole Do you have any interest in working through some of those issues? You miss out on a lot living in isolation and it's far from a healthy lifestyle.

I wouldn't necessarily equate a value to an attachment. And I disagree that all relationships are filled with turmoil. All relationships come with varying challenges. Buddhism does not preach anything about turmoil. But it would say that there is suffering in relationship. All of life has some suffering built into it. You can't escape it. Sounds like you have some pretty crappy friends. Not all are that way. They are more common than you think, but it takes time to build up a stable of friends with those qualities.

Actually, in most (not all) monasteries you will notice that they are highly community oriented. They recognize relationships as valuable resources and essential parts of the human experience. People do it for a number of reasons. I've noticed a few common traps, some of which I fell victim to. Some avoid the challenges a relationship brings. Others pretend to renounce relationships as a means of denying their inability to connect with others. Others are simply reckless and neglect relationships because they believe they're a distraction from enlightenment. All of them have sever mental health consequences. Good for you. Glad to hear that you're coming around.

Authentic friendships are much more healthy and fulfilling. And they aren't as elusive as you might think. I admit, they are difficult to find if you are young or live in a conservative or crime-ridden area. Just out of curiosity, what kind of qualities might that rare friend have? And why live a mediocre life when you can have one that's more fulfilling?

@Eph75 I get what you are saying but I think interpret the word "need" a bit differently. I equate needs to things necessary for survival and a basic level of mental health. If you cut out the mental health part of the equation, I might agree with you. We have very few needs, but man, life can really suck when you're dealing with depression, anxiety, and confusion. @Preety_India I get your point, and I agree. Neediness is an unhealthy dynamic.

I think there is some disconnect. Neediness and having needs are two different things. We need food, shelter, clothing, relationships, etc. All I am saying is that we are responsible for ensuring that our needs are met.

@Thestarguitarist14 This post was written just for you. You may feel good now, but beware, isolation will come back to haunt you.

@Preety_India You lost me there. When your needs aren't met it's time to get off your ass and take responsibility.

@Preety_India Thanks for chiming in. I certainly agree. I might elaborate by saying, though, that you can't transcend neediness unless your needs are met.

@preventingdiabetes There are tools out there to help you identify your core values. A good one will probe you for 10 potential values and help you narrow them down to three or so. Do a google search for something like "CBT core value discovery". Your core values look ok, but I believe you can clarify them even further. It's also possible that your values will change as you mature and grow or face new challenges. Mine are: Courage, action, and life-long learning

@electroBeam I read some of your posts and sorta suspected that. You seem to be in a nihilistic headspace which I can totally relate to. There are a lot of people on this forum who think spiritual people are above friends, but that's not the case. People need people man, it's not healthy to isolate. The most growth you will experience on the path is in relationship. Friends make life worth living. I learned that the hard way.

Beware of the quick fix regardless of the form in which it's peddled.

@ColeMC01 I used to think that I could be happy with a girl who I perceived as average as long as she was sweet and fairly cute. And, that's what I got in my last relationship. After a while I got really bored in the relationship. Sweet was not enough and she put on weight so I was no longer attracted to her. I learned a lot in that relationship. I think it's good to experiment to get clear on what you require in a relationship. But those requirements should be realistic, not some imaginary ideal. To answer your question, can you be satisfied with an average girl? That depends. If you are actualizing, absolutely not. You will leave her in the dust. My current theory is that we need to find someone who is on a similar place on the life journey, has similar values, and is physically attractive on a subjective level. Does that make her average? I dunno. Do you consider yourself average? Find a girl who you consider to have equal value as yourself and who is committed to growing.

@Raven1998 This is a good book for deconstructing the idea of an objective reality: HERE.

@Knowledge There are plenty that know about it. We often call it Dark Night. It's not a fun stage on the spiritual path, but I don't think it's always necessary either. Most are going to experience some level of existential pain with varying intensity. But those who aren't well developed mentally and emotionally are likely to develop psychosis.

@electroBeam I don't think your needs are being met. Do you have a good group of friends?

@Matt23 I agree 100%

@ColeMC01 Ah, ok. No worries. I thought I might address this, though. The truth is, you have very little control over your own emotional growth. You grow emotionally by not running away from challenges and allowing yourself to feel emotions fully. If you are willing to face whatever challenges that life throws at you, you will grow, it's as simple as that, sorta. As humans, we have a tendency to avoid emotions because we think they are bad, or we don't like feeling them. We do this unconsciously. Our job is to become aware of how we avoid emotion and open up. Have you ever heard of the presence process? It's a 10 week program that teaches you the tools to maximize your emotional growth. Highly recommended. You can find it here: Presence Process

@Chives99 I enjoyed reading your posts. You seem like a great guy. A lot of people on this forum will tell you that you should be happy alone, or that you that you are spiritually immature for wanting to be in a relationship. And, that is complete bullshit. If you have never been in a relationship then, of course, you are going to want one. And for good reason, they are awesome. I do agree, however, that you should be relatively happy and content on your own. If you require a relationship to be happy, you are in deep doo doo in this life. That said, it sounds like you are on the right track. I don't completely understand you challenges but you are inquisitive and moving forward despite your limitations so good for you. I wanted to share something with you, it is a book that I hold dear to my heart. I have a lot of experience with women and I can tell you that this book is a true gem: Models by Mark Manson. I don't doubt that you need to work on basic social skills, but this book will at least help you understand attraction and increase your chances of finding the right woman. Good luck sir.

@ColeMC01 It sounds to me like you are the type of person that's easily triggered. If so, that's not going to go away. Your reactions might lessen in intensity, but an emotionally mature version of yourself will accept that you are easily angered. An emotionally mature version of yourself would also exhibit restraint rather than lashing out at others. Your "problem" is that you believe what you are feeling isn't okay. Dude, you have no control. What exactly do you think you can do?

@Elisabeth Well said