ivory

@LoveandPurpose It certainly is. It takes self-awareness to know when to take a step back.

Similar story here. I lived in Portland OR for three years. A very green city, lots of yellows too. Now I'm back in Southern California. I decided to seek out the greens at meetups, yoga studios, zen centers, and couch surfing events. So far, I've met a lot of great people. I don't care what the rest of the world is doing as long as I have interesting friends to hang out with.

I have a Zen teacher and a therapist. Both are incredibly helpful.

Nietzches had a solution for this called the eternal recurrence. https://www.thoughtco.com/nietzsches-idea-of-the-eternal-recurrence-2670659

It's an ongoing clarification of values. Continually ask yourself, "which area of life do I feel least content?" Relationships, career, health, spirituality, education, recreation, spirituality. Get really clear on the reasons for dissatisfaction and the path becomes clear.

Ever heard the saying, "Two steps forward, one step back." That summarizes the process.

First of all, I'm highly introverted and not a very social guy. Second of all, I find very few people interesting and don't enjoy social interactions that much. Lastly, I'm also a bit awkward and would consider my social skills to be pretty low. One of the things I've been curious about lately is whether or not it's worth learning social skills. Experience tells me the more skilled I am at something the more enjoyable that thing. So I thought that by learning social skills I may enjoy my social interactions more. However, I'm not sure that's true in the realm of relationships. Maybe, I'm just not really that into people. This has been an ongoing inquiry for some time and all I can really say at this point is I'm not really sure. I welcome any advice but I'm really curious to hear about your experiences. What do you guys think?

I think my shift into meaninglessness was due to similar realizations. But I also struggled with the notion that nothing lasts and that pleasure wasn't as abundant as I had once hoped. Relationships come and go, health declines, we have to spend so much time doing things not of our choosing, we have very little control over external factors, etc. I had to really reassess what I valued in relationships, work, hobbies, health, personal growth, education, and spirituality. Now I pursue more simple pleasures rather than highs and peak experiences. I'm much more at peace but sometimes I struggle with the fact that most people have really shitty or non-existent value systems which makes me feel a bit isolated.

On one end of the spectrum is acceptance, on the other is commitment. It takes practice to learn to balance the two. The main thing to look for is struggle. Struggle lets you know you are trying too hard and need to shift into acceptance mode. Progress happens very slowly and you can't push the river, so to speak. It's important to really see that in your own experience. Shift into commitment mode when you find yourself slipping into distractions and laziness.

I know from personal experience that meditation can be used to avoid life. Spiritual bypassing. Too much meditation can be used as an escape from one's problems and responsibilities.

I've been on the forum now for about two weeks. And here are my observations. Everyone is at a different stage in their development and that's to be expected. The thing I noticed is that some don't pay attention to what I write, some judge and ridicule because it makes them feel good about themselves, some are here just to teach and fail to do actual self-development work, some are kind and bubbly, some are here because they need help, and then there are some that have a good deal of wisdom and make pretty solid contributions. Despite the apparent negativity in my post, I'd still say this is a pretty good forum. I haven't found anything quite like it and I'm happy to be here.

I've gone through this, and quite frankly, I'm not sure there is a way out. I've been stuck here for 5 years. The good news is that the feeling of meaninglessness has lessened. The question I have for you is why does life feel meaningless? I have a few resources for you to check out and see if the shoe fits, but I'm curious to hear more about your experience.

I think what I'm going to do is seek out some green communities and learn to connect better with people who are into deep topics. Like I said, I find very few people interesting. So I'm just going to seek out the interesting ones for now. Maybe I'll do better socially with those who are more like myself.

You can essentially break life down into several categories: Relationships, hobbies and recreation, health, spirituality, career and education. Where do you feel the least content? I feel like I have a pretty full life with yoga, making music, hanging out with friends, eating healthy, investing in my career, and meditation.

They go hand in hand. Experience gives way to thought and emotion. Those thoughts and emotions are then fodder for contemplation.

The best thing to do is start trying, Teachers and other resources can help you reach your goal more efficiently but there's plenty to learn from just getting out there and doing it.

I've been into self-development (I don't like the term self-improvement) work for about 5 years. What I noticed in myself is that I am less shy, less obsessed, more skilled, more responsible, more kind to myself, and have more insight into my own mechanics than when I started. What I did it was read good books (slowly), went into therapy, found a spiritual teacher, and started putting what I learned into into practice. I made a lot of mistakes but that's really how I learned.

I have an idea of self-improvement but I'm not sure it means the same thing to you as it does me. What is self-improvement?

Sorry to hear about what you're going through Shir I can relate to some of what you wrote, especially about not enjoying the things you used to. I'm glad to hear that you are getting therapy. I have a therapist as well and have really come to value our relationship. I went through a major episode of depression and was resistant to meds for the first 2 years. Eventually I got so depressed that I couldn't take it anymore. I agreed to try meds and oh my god do I wish that I would have taken them sooner. They didn't alleviate all my issues but they did lessen them so that they were manageable and I could work on the things I needed to. I still see ongoing improvements in my daily life, motivation, hopefulness, and enjoyment. Eventually I would like to go off of meds completely but I'm going to wait until I feel I've worked through the stuff I need to and my life is in better order.

I totally agree with this. I have no intention of changing myself, or even denying my introversion, I would just like to have more skills in the relationship department. I totally believe this. This is what I suspect. I guess I'lll have to find out for myself. Thanks for the lovely post Violet. The thing that confuses me is that I don't seem to have much interest in other people. I find very few people interesting. So, who am I developing social skills for?

I don't see introversion as some kind of flaw. That said, I do believe that I can work on social skills without sacrificing who I am. Often times I don't know what to say. I'd like to learn how to be able to converse more skillfully. That's basically what I mean. I agree with you though, listening skills seem very important in relationship.

@ajasatya had some good advice. I would start there. But, if your mom is anything like mine was it's not going to make a difference. In hind sight I would have told my mom that I was setting boundaries and that she was no longer going to dictate how I lived my life. And then I would have done whatever the hell I wanted regardless of what she did or said. Take care of yourself man.

I've noticed something similar in myself. But as these feelings of wanting to do something or not oscillate, I also notice the motivation for which I want to do them change. Sometimes I want to do something because I enjoy it, or because it makes life feel meaningful, and then other times I do them so that I'll feel better about myself or because people will like me if I do them. What I've noticed is that we often have mixed motives for doing the same thing. Some of those motives are authentic and some are not. So it makes sense to drop something or slow down for a little while until the inauthentic motive drops away. The key for me is to notice which motives are authentic (rooted in joy or meaning), and which are not (validation, avoidance, control), and to stop feeding the inauthentic motives. What I'm trying to say is that you may not need to drop whatever you're doing. However, you may need to slow down from time to time, be gentle with yourself, and get really in touch with the authentic part of yourself.

@How to be wise I went to a zen teacher and said, "everything is perfect." She responded with, "that's a bunch of zen bullshit."

The most important concepts for me to understand were values, acceptance, commitment, and pacing and how they related to contentment. During the early stages of the path I had to get clear on what I valued (health, relationships, hobbies, career, spirituality, education). After getting really clear on what I wanted out of life I made a series of commitments based on those values. I had to give up addictions and distractions in order to make room for the things that mattered to me. From there it was, and still is, an ongoing recalibration of the pace at which I move, balancing acceptance and commitment. Once I figured out how to pace myself I was finally able to enjoy life.