kag101

I used to do the same thing, especially when I started reading Thich Nhat Hahn. I like his ideas, but at some point I was completely neurotic about paying attention to my breath. Even as I was watching a movie, I would think: "OH! I have to be mindful of my breathing." This would always kill my vibe. Fortunately I ended up realized that the more I was trying to be present, the less I actually was.

Do you work/study?

From what you described, I think you're taking too rigid approach. For instance, if you have the expectation of never eating junk food ever again, you're bound to fail. You'll repress yourself so much that you'll end up, idk, binge eating 5 big macs or something. You have to be more flexible. Self-negotiate! Watch these Leo's episodes: 1) How to stop backsliding (most important) 2) Realistic expectations

Hmm... Let me see if I got it right: I don't get it. You don't want to "let yourself go" and just enjoy what you're doing without thinking about being mindful? Interesting insight!

go for it there is something magical about writing on a physical notebook. plus, it's good to not be in front of a screen every once in a while.

Is there anything in your life that brings you joy/pleasure?

Dude, stop with this black-and-white thinking. I think it could be interesting to experiment with small dosages. And see how you feel.

Was it really necessary to block her? Grieving is a process. It comes in waves. You can't rush it. This song might help: It's important to know how to let yourself feel the sadness, but also to let go of it when it's time. That is, to do something fun with a friend, for example. Reconnect with your hobbies. Do stuff that takes your mind away from your ex. How are the other areas in your life? Life purpose, etc? Why were you a bad boyfriend?

one of my new professors at college is really crappy. dang chess - LOWER my expectation! i've been improving at chess. i've reached a 700 rating. it's a cool achievement. i was stuck at 500 before. i was starting to get obssessed. like, "oh, what if i lose a buch of matches, and i go back to 630?" >> yea, that could happen. and it would be expected. thing is, i still make silly blunders. it's important that i correct those, before trying some more advanced moves. i'm still beyond what i thought would be the best case scenario. i'm one month ahead. so i must chill the fuck out. it will be no tragedy if i lose a bunch of matches. is it frustrating? yes, it is. but i can handle it. there's a big difference between losing but having some odds for winning, and to be completely crushed. if i manage to play attentively, and analyze my games afterwards; i will improve sooner or later. if, on the other hand, i keep stressing about my freaking "rating", this will sap all the joy out of playing this game. important: it's expected that i will reach a plateau right now. it's very unrealistic to think that i will increase my elo by 200 points every two weeks. according to my balanced expectation goal, i am beyond what i thought i would be in September. so yea, i have to be more fucking patient. btw i have to take some time to write down some goals and wishes. i keep putting this off. this is such a simple yet powerful practice. it's often overlooked.

getting bald sucks it's so frustrating. and i have a pretty preponent forehead. dang. i shaved all my hair the other day. it looked okay. new classes - meh... my new classes at college have begun, finally. one of the teacher is fine. she has some excessive positivy tbh, but she's nice. the other one is terrible. she's like a 65-year-old lady who doesn't know anything about technology. and she doesn't teach; she only reads the powerpoint. and after every single sentence she says "ok?" good thing that it's online. so i get do other stuff. nothing new + students who overparticipate these classes seem to be very basic and common knowledge. pretty boring stuff tbh. and the other students freakin love to participate. it's pretty cringey. i usually turn off my speaker when some of them start speaking. less motivated i'll see how it goes. this new classes have made me feel less motivated for sure. the first one that i had was really cool. but those ones are... crappy. there's yet one other professor that i will meet tomorrow. i hope she's good. progress so crazy to think about how much i've progressed over the past 2 years. it's mindblowing. i used to have a good day every week or two. the other days were bad. and nowadays my days on average usually are 5% awesome 85% good 10% meh in fact, i've made a tablesheet on which i record how my days have been. i might upload that here. i credit this awesome progress due to psychotherapy and psychiatry treatment. >> a good psychoanalytical session is so powerful. to me, that's the #1 practice for self-actualizing. <<

If I hadn't read this book, I would probably still feel depressed on a regular basis. It's beautifully written, and it gives a very accurate description of how it's like to be depressed or maniac. She's a Psychiatry Professor at John Hopkins, and she suffers from bipolar. It took her 10 fucking years to accept that she needed medication. Main points: • Even a specialist in this area still struggles to accept psychiatric treatment. • I used to think that all medication was garbage. But actually there are cases of success. She's a living example. • She shares her experience with the world by writing this book, which has been a turning point for many people.

Have you ever suffered from depression?

Very nice initiative! I'm looking forward to hearing this podcast you've done with Charlie.

new classes college - excited i just finished a class at my college. they divided the semester into two bimesters. the first one is over. and i did pretty well. 8,8/10. tomorrow i'll start the new classes. the challenge will be that it's going to be Monday through Friday, as opposed to only Tuesday and Thursday. I'll see how it goes. i really hope i enjoy them. it's good to ocupy my mind with something i enjoy, and which is connected to my life purpose >> this helps to stop giving a fuck about unimportant shit. chess i have been doing pretty well at chess. i'm surprised. i found a great video of a guy who gives some guidelines for beginners. in a matter of 4 days or so, i was able to increase my ELO by +150. i got super excited when i saw that i was winning one match after the other. lol. i'm where i thought i would be in june, so that's really cool. i kinda hit a plateau, but it's normal. the important thing is to not enter "neurotic mode". that is, "OH... I HAVE TO GET BETTER. I HAVE TO BE DISCIPLINED." etc. >>>>> No. It's just a hobby. quitters one tip that guy gives is to never resign a game. sometimes i blunder and it's really frustrating. but it's important to have the resilience to not run away. after all, sometimes my opponent ends up blundering as well. it's funny to see some folks who resign, simply because they blundered a Rook or something. i didn't expect this speaking of chess, one person that really surprised me negatively is a famous Grand Master called Nakamura. i thought he was cool, but actually it seems as though he is fake and hypocritical. the worse type of asshole is the one who disguises himself as a nice guy. i gotta do this magical trick i want to write some goals. i often forget about how freaking powerful writing down goals and putting a date is. seriously, it can be almost magical. from my experience, you can do it once and forget about it. then, some months later, you read them again. and a lot of times the things i wrote happen. coming up with a solution to my neck pain i was waking up with an annoying neck pain almost everyday. that was pretty frustrating. but it seems that i have figured out how to reduce it. thing is: i always sleep on my side and i put a pillow in between my legs. i noticed that i wasn't turning to the other side during the night, and it was because it's counterintutive to do so if you have a pillow in-between your legs. so here's what i've been doing: before sleeping, i turn to the other side with the pillow. i do that 3x. and i have noticed that as i am sleeping, i am now turning. why is this important? one of the most basic rules in ergonomy is that being in the same position for too long is a big no-no. i hope that eventually i won't have to do the turning 3x. but i'll keep doing it. and i also program myself to take some sips of water. this is helpful, because oftentimes my throat gets dry. other random stuff • sometimes i don't like to be part of the animal kingdom. i think it's all very stupid. • my inner gremlin often judges my relaxed self very harshly. it's as if i needed to be in pain. that if i let myself go, i will do stupid shit. • i was taking a medication that has been really helping me in an area of my life. problem is, i've been getting some headaches. i don't know if the cause is the pill per se. i hope not... i will do some tests to figure this out.

I don't know. In my country, there's a site where you can search for doctors, and the patients leave their ratings. I found my psychiatrist there. The antidepressant I'm currently taking is not an SSRI, so it is not known for causing sexual problems. It is an SDRI, which stands for selective dopamine reuptaker inhibitor. It is the only medication that really helped my depression. This might might interest you: I remember reading on the leaflet that it is used to treat the syndrome you're going through. I have just done some quick research, and it seems that it helps almost 75% of men. Check this out: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/11894796/ Anyway, I do not recommend you keep doing research on your own. The action that has the greater odds for you to recover is fo find a way to have treatment with great psychiatrist. I agree that they're hard to find, but they do exist.

very good video! thanks for sharing

Wow, that must be really tough. I'm sorry to hear that. Here are some questions: 1) How's your depression ATM? Did you have any episode over the past years? 2) Have you gone to a really good psychiatrist, and talked about your situation? What a fuking asshole!

Yes. Having fun with a friend is one of the best stress-relievers. Why don't you ask him that? Those things can be really fun =) But like, do you usually have a good time when you're with him? Or is it one of those old worn-out "friendships"?

Just use common sense. How much photo editing for girls do you think it's okay? Apply that to yourself. What is your purpose for using those dating apps?

Can you give some examples of acts of selfishness & selflessness?

Nice to hear that you've made progress & are feeling energetic. That's awesome! Don't you think you're getting a little neurotic about finding a life purpose? Maybe it'll come to you naturally over time. I agree.

I recommend a song called "Dear Mamma - 2pac". It's really beautiful.

some updates: • i was having trouble playing this song, mainly because i was not using the most appropriate fingers to play each note. my plan was to post the video today, but that didn't happen. on this week, i managed to correct the fingers that i'm using. and that's going to help me play at the right tempo. i still didn't succeeded in playing a part that has a trill. this is basically when you play two notes alternately and rapidly. this is definitely not the most important thing in that song. but if i manage to pull it off, then it would sound really cool. here's the exact part that i can't pull it off: ughhh... it's so simple yet my brain bugs. goals for that song there are some parts that the sheet music says that i should hold the pedal. but honestly, i don't know if i'll waste my energy on this. because the difference is so freaking subtle. i feel like there are more important things to focus on. 4-9 >> play well at 75% of the speed 4-16 >> play well at 100%, and post if let's see if i can do that. i'm just making sure i don't get too neurotic about that. first college exam - studying has been helping my mental health i will have my first exam this next tuesday. it's on neurophysiology (quite a fancy name, isn't it? lol) all about the brain and stuff. it's really fascinating how this machine called brain works. it's so elegant. i think i'll do it well. i'm looking forward for the new subjects that i'll have this next month. they're more related to psychology per se. and college has been helping my mental helath so far. >> today, for example, i was pissed at some friends. and i was very low on energy. but then, i studied a bit and felt better lol. << this has been key! heavy interactions, but being aware of not being hypersensitive speaking of friends, i'm kinda fed up with relationships (not necessarily romantic ones) that are too heavy. seriously, it stresses me out. that said, i am learning how to not by hypersensitive about certain topics, but sometimes i just get tired and NEED to take a strategic break. or else i will burn out. one friend was considering cutting ties with me because..... we have different opinions about politics. and the thing is, i'm not an extremist. i got offended by that, tbh. what kinda of crappy friendship gets cut just because i think therre should be less government, and he thinks there should be more? so i decided to text him being assertive and saying that i got upset that he was considering cutting ties because of that. i still haven't seen what he has responded. let's see how that goes. thank you all for reading, my beautiful readers. haha. [/cringe off] lol

my chess.com rating goals i'm currently at 466. it's a pretty pathetic rating. • i feel like i'm at a point that if i manage to simply keep playing at least 1 online match per day, and analyze my match afterwards i will already improve. • doing the puzzles can also be helpful. • and, again, i don't think it's the time to focus on new openings. high expecation: i would be really happy if i could have a 1000 rating by my birthday (which is in September). i guess it's doable. April: 466 May: 566 Jun: 666 July: 766 Aug: 866 Sept 966 is that too ambitious? since i'm a beginner, i feel like there's a lot of room for improvement. as soon as i get the hang of the basics, i think i'll have a very big growth. and then, when i reach 1000, i think i'll be at a plateau, which is fine. balanced expectation: okay so let's do a more modest expectation: April: 466 May: 520 Jun: 550 July: 600 Aug: 630 Sept: 680 Yea... i think that's way more doable. the thing about this is that i'm comparing myself with others. i would get pretty happy if i got a 700 rating. but like, i see a lot of youtubers who are beginners as well and they are at that level quite effortlessly. pessimistic expecation: april: 466 May: 498 jun: 530 jul: 550 aug: 570 sep: 590 i admit that that would be pretty frustrating. lol. those 2 things are much more important than a stupid rating but anyways, i think it's important to not focus on the number per se. but instead if: 1) i'm having fun 2) i feel like i'm improving those two things are the most important. and having fun is >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> being good. it's no use being good at something if you don't enjoy it. i think that chess is one of those activities that is so easy to start comparing yourself and thinking that you're dumb. i hope to not fall into this trap. ps: oh, and one thing i want to get back at doing is practicing arithmetics. i feel like it's going to help me somehow. i had downloaded an app on that.

focusing on a trap!! i was studying a specific opening for chess. but then i realized that i was getting too stressed out about that. i already know the basic concepts about openings. almost every game i make a really stupid blunder, because i am inexperienced and was not paying attention. if i manage to not make those mistakes, that would already be a big progress! my main practice is to play at least 1 online game per day. not with the computer. btw - i have been playing with a friend, who doesn't give a shit about technique, lol. And he ended up beating me twice, because I'm not used to his unusual moves, lol. college - babystepping study habit college has been pretty good. my habit has been to study at least 5 minutes per day per subject. i've been getting really good results. as for now, i only have 2 subjects. next month, it will be the other 4. i suppose that will be a bit more challenging, but we'll see... trying to play my childhood-dream piano song i'm trying really hard to play rondo alla turca, by mozart, on the piano. it's a really fast song. and i just can't get a specific part right. it's annoying, because it's simple yet my brain bugs. i was hoping to upload the instagram reels of me playing it by friday. but i have decided to change my goal. instead, i want to be able to play it well at 75% of the original speed by friday. then, i guess next week i'll post it. i do want to post it, but i won't do it if it's too sloppy. random thoughts • i had sort of a toothache today. i hope it's not cavity. • i received my SAT results (the one from my country). and i did better than i had expected. all subjects above average. and i did pretty well on my essay. 840/1000. • i wish i had a newer console. i only have my playstation 3. but i've started to play Red Dead Redemption (the first one), and it's really cool! i'm in this phase of my life that i want to get up-to-date with what's going on in the world, but i guess that video-games will have to be an exception of that for now, lol. • i tried to save more money this month. i'll see how that went.