kag101

Day 3 [5-26-2019] 5:44 PM I got kind of paranoid earlier today, and I still am. I talked with my psychiatrist and we decided to raise the dosage for the anti-psychotic medication. I am really worried that I shouldn't be using rapé. I already used it 6 times today. And I am about to use it again. I know it's not doing me any good. And I'm worried of freaking out. And I hate how I can't stop using it. I am so worried that it will mess with the medication. And I feel there is no one I can't talk with. No one will understand how I am feeling. And today I just feel a dull feeling of emptiness. No aliveness. Kind of numb. And I am just scared I will not get better off. I want to feel healthy again. Well, I will take 3 pills of the anti-psychotic at 8 PM. I hope I get better. I will try to use rapé only 2 more times today. I have to remind myself to be patient.

I don't think so. That looks just like a justification for smoking weed. Yes, you're trying to self-medicate with marijuana. This is BS. Weed is a psychoactive substance. And it's widely known for triggering paranoia. Do as you wish... Honestly, I don't think you should use weed or any other psychedelic ever again. You should go see a doctor to check on your mental health!

Yes, you are too young. You should focus on basic self-development. And you should go to a counselor or psychologist. Don't skip steps! Study Abraham Maslow's hierarchy of needs. How are your social skills, for example? This is much more basic and important skill than self-inquiry!

LOL! You're a newbie at marijuana, aren't you? Weed = Cannabis = Pot = Marijuana I said you shouldn't use "weed", because you need to do it in a ritualistic manner. Most people in the US use it as thought they are smoking a cigarette that makes you go high. You need to respect the plant. Ideally, you should go to a Rastafarian ceremony. Otherwise, you'll use it in a mindless manner.

Have you ever had any paranoia while using marijuana? If yes, DO NOT use it.

First of all, don't use weed; use cannabis. http://www.cannabisandspirituality.com/quick-guide-to-cannabis-as-a-spiritual-ally/

Physical touch is overrated, imo. Touching should be something natural. Otherwise, it's very creepy. If you can manage stop seeing the girl as a "prey", and you just act normal with her, that's much more attractive. But anyway, here's something that might be helpful: http://www.bestpuatraining.com/kino-escalation

Keeping Track Of Shamanic Snuff, New Medication & Rogaine [30 days] Day 2 [5-25-2019] > I decided I will not use rogaine for now. I will wait these 30 days to pass, then I will probably go to a dermatologist that is specialized in hair loss to check that out. So in the beginning of June. > I used shamanic snuff 8x. This is a lot, and it is unhealthy. > I had two difficult conversations with my mom and dad. Mom: I talked about my sexuality. I am coming out gradually. I already told my mom and sister that I am homosexual. At first they didn't really believe it, because I am a masculine guy. But yesterday I was crystal clear to my mom that "I am homosexual". I didn't allow her to deny that. Dad: I talked about the way he never deals with difficult stuff. I also talked about soccer and how sometimes the players who do the most for the team are not valued by the fans. I gave an example of a midfield that played for São Paulo Futebol Clube in 2005 called Danilo. Here is Danilo in the semi-final of the 2005 FIFA Club World Cup against Al-Ittihad The fans hated him, because he was very slow. But he was essential to the team, as he was very constant and decisive. By the way, we won that year. The final was against Liverpool. Here's Rogerio Ceni (our captain) greeting Steven Gerrard, lol: So, in a nutshell, my dad is comparable to Danilo. He is a very important player but very underrated. I didn't really talk about my sexuality with my dad today. We talked more about my psychiatrist And my dad probably already knows that I am gay (I told my step-mom last week). I am waiting for the right time to look him straight in the eye and say: This is an important thing. I will probably do it after this 30-day "challenge" ends. So probably at the end of June. >> I used Quetiapine 2x extra times. I contacted my psychiatrist, and he told me that was ok, because I had two difficult conversations. Day 3 [5-26-2019] 6:00 AM > I woke up at 4:30 AM. I wanted to use rapé (shamanic snuff), but I negotiated with myself. First I would have something to eat. Then, I took a shower. And now I am writing here. It's 6:00 AM right now. After I am done here, I will probably use some rapé, then go to the market to buy some bread. I want to use it maximum 5 times. >> I already took quetiapine and venlafaxine (antidepressant). So, I need to take quetiapine 3 more times (10:30 AM and 4:30 PM, and at 8 PM) >> I woke up feeling achy. I will probably take pregabalin (Lyrica). I want to see if it works. Or maybe I will use miozan. I don't know. >> I am kinda sleepy. Thanks for reading! And remember: mental illness is not a joke! Seek professional help! You deserve to be happy!

Keeping Track Of Shamanic Snuff, New Medication & Rogaine [30 days] This powder is useful for focusing the mind, and it also helps me evacuate. I think this is the only psychoactive that I can use safely. It gives no paranoia, unlike marijuana and ayahuasca. Problem is, I have to be careful with how many times a day I use. It has nicotine, so it can be addictive. The ideal is 3 times a day, and the maximum is 10 times a day. More than that, it’s becomes very dangerous for my mental health. Day 1 (5-23-2019) I used only one time. It was in the evening. I couldn’t poop, so I applied some of it to help me out with that. I was scared of freaking out, because I have been very emotionally fragile lately. Day 2 (5-24-2019) Today I woke up at 4:00 AM, and I already used it 3 times. First when I woke up. Then the other two to help me poop. I am about to use another time. But I don’t want to go beyond 6 or 7 times today. So, I can use at 10 AM, 3 PM, and 8 PM. I will post it here by the end of the day, how many times I used. New Medication - Antipsychotic I started a new medication. It’s an anti-psychotic called Quetiapine. I take 25 mg 3 times a day, and 100 mg before going to bed. It’s a great medication because it calms my psychotic thoughts, and it helps me fall asleep. Ideally I should use at: 10 AM - 25mg 2 PM - 25mg 5 PM - 25mg 8 PM - 100mg Because I woke up at 4 AM, I already took 2 pills out of the 4. I am sleepy, so I will have a coffee soon. I am curious to see how this new medication will interact with rapé. I will keep track of those for 30 days, that is, until June 22nd (Saturday). Minoxidil I am also thinking of start using minoxidil for hair loss. Maybe it's not the right time to do so. But anyway, I should use it 2x a day. I tried last year, but I didn't stick with it, because my depression treatment is way more important. Maybe I should start using it in July. Have a great day, all! ---- Hi, thanks for the compliment! DId you self-diagonosed with bipolar disorder? Or was it a psychiatrist? Feel free to reply here, or send me private messages

Things to write about: - Experiment - Using Rapé Only 3x A Day for 30 days - Overcoming My Biggest Trauma: My Parent's Divorce @Iiris @Nahm @Zigzag Idiot I will write about these topics tomorrow. I think you guys are going to enjoy reading them

is it so hard to admit that you were wrong? This is what kindergartens are expected to learn. @Leo Gura Aren't you going to reply @Gabriel Antonio? I think your followers at least deserve a reply. He was very provocative to you and your teachings.

Sooooo??? How did it go? https://ladnow.com/congratulations-meme/

I keep forgetting if I took my meds or not. So I will post here how many of Venlafaxin I got left: 10

5-12-2019 - Sunday (Yesterday) My LIttle Step-Brother Upbringing Today I went to my dad’s house. I get emotionally triggered by the way they raise my little step-brother. They are too authoritarian. I want to speak up, but I also don’t want war. I fear of giving in to anger and act out and do something that I will regret afterwards. There’s too much war in the world already. And, as the Buddha said, “hatred never ceases by hatred but by love alone is healed.” I used to be very passive with the way they treat my little brother. I would not speak up. And that was mainly because I had depression almost all the time (combined with social anxiety). At a certain point, I was highly provocative and verbally aggressive with them. I was acting out of anger. And this did not help at all. In fact, it only did harm. Both extremes are not good. I want to find a middle ground, where I can defend my little brother from the emotional abuse he experiences, while not being verbally aggressive with my dad and his wife. I have to understand that there is a hierarchy. The authority is my dad and his wife. No question about that. If I want to fight against the hierarchy, this will not work. In the presence of my brother, I have to be in my dad’s side. I have to tell him things such as “be an obedient boy”. Obviously, I will not be authoritative, I can do so in a loving way. Talking With Dad About Psychiatrist (Finally!!! ) I am glad I talked with my dad about how I don’t like my psychiatrist. I was able to be very convincing. Even though I was nervous as I was talking, I think I did it quite well. I am proud of myself for stepping out of my comfort zone in an organic way. I am grateful that this happened. It was in no way neurotic, such as: Fortunately, courage bubbled up naturally, and it happened. Mother’s Day Today was Mother’s Day, and I was feeling very happy and excited. I like when I am in a good mood. But, again, because I didn’t sleep well, I was very prone to getting irritated and euphoric. And both of these feelings are very toxic. They are part of life, but I have to remind myself that I should be in charge of anger and euphoria -- not the other way around. I didn’t sleep a lot today. When that happens, I get worried about getting into silly arguments. I must remind myself that “This too shall pass. When you don't sleep well, you get irritated.” This way, I don’t do stupid shit. Not sleeping much also makes me fear I might jump from depression (too much sleep) to euphoria (too little sleep) Tomorrow I will work on the translation project, and I will call the mattress company to see if they have accepted refunding the mattress. It’s really annoying to sleep at my mom’s room. She’s sleeping at mine. I’m so grateful that she has accepted sleeping in my room, while I don’t have a mattress that’s comfortable. I hope to find one soon! My mom rocks, seriously! She’s very supportive and selfless. I am also really grateful that depression was not present today. I hope it doesn’t come back soon. When depression is present, the world seems to suck. Nothing is pleasant. All I can see is the ocean of tears of the world. But, right now, because I am in an apparently healthy mood, I can see that life contains positive and negative things. And the negative things are bearable. The suffering I experience with depression is NOT bearable. That’s why I numb out. The pain is too difficult to bear. But I have to be open to the possibility that I am hypomaniac. Yes, I am pretty sure I am. Here's from Wikipedia: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypomania Deleting Cringey Facebook Posts I deleted some old facebook posts yesterday. It was very emotionally challenging. But I did it. I was able to see how much I have progressed in two years. Back then, I was EXTREMELY lost. And now I do have my low days, but I feel more healthy. I backslide sometimes into neuroticism, but it usually goes away quickly. Speech Therapist I also need to go to a speech therapist. However, it’s crystal-clear to me how treating my mental healthy is my number 1 priority. If I don’t get it handled, nothing else matters. I can go to the best speech therapist in the world, but it will not work. It saddens me how psychiatry has such a bad reputation. Some people demonize it like this: Well, the overwhelming majority of psychiatrists are indeed shitty, and there’s a dark side to the industry. But it’s a necessary evil. If it weren’t an industry, there would be no investment in research. I am grateful that I live in today’s world. - Author of the book “An Unquiet Mind” Fake Optimism? I feel optimistic. The path to dealing with depression seems to not be as difficult as I thought. It’s actually pretty simple. Sometimes simple things are harder than complicated things. And I fear I might be in just a euphoric episode, and I am just deluded with positivity. Right now, I am very tired. I took a painkiller (with muscular relaxation component). And I also took an antialergic that helps me fall asleep. Too many pills, goddamn! That’s it for today. Thanks for reading! Have a great week!

Beating Myself Up Yesterday it became very clear how forcing myself to do stuff, while I'm depressed, not only doesn't help me, but it harms me. Towards the end of the day, depression dissapeared. It's so crazy how depression kicks in out of nowhere, and out of nowhere it goes away. It's not something I can rush. I think the best thing to do is doing nothing. Preserving myself and not caring about self-shaming thoughts, such as: "You're eating too much! You're going to get as fat as a whale" "If you don't take action, you'll be depressed forever" "Dude, you're such a horrible human being for not wanting to see your friends! Go socialize!" What Neurotic Action Does To A Depressed Person After depression went away, I realized how all the excessive exercising and working that I had done to desperately try to change my state of mind only harmed me. It did not help at all. I was feeling a lot of pain in my body. I'm glad I didn't force myself too much, because the I could have gotten an injury or something. And some people are in that mindset of "taking action" for years, and when they burn out, it's really intense and traumatic. I'm glad I burn out quickly. Hehe... When depression is not there, everything seems easier and doable. Sure, there are negative things about my life and the world, but they do not get so overwhelming. I have to understand that depression is a mental illness. Telling myself to take action is just like telling someone who has the flu something like, "Oh... don't stay in bed. Take action, man! Don't be such a lazy spoiled brat." No, no, no. Exactly the opposite: rest is needed. While I was taking too much action, I was observing myself and could see how I had tried doing that in the past, and failed miserably. I think it's natural to make mistakes, and to even repeat mistakes. But at least, the degree of the mistakes I am making is lessening. The Cause For My Euphoric Episodes Another insight I got is that maybe my maniac episodes (euphoric) were probably all self-inflicted. They happen when I am low in energy and I do not accept that, and try to get rid of it as quickly as possible. Then, I force myself to take desesperate action. Eventually, I go from depression to the other extreme. In my experience, euphoria is much worse than depression, because overwhelming amount of energy can make me feel very irritable and neurotic. So I end up harming people that I like & my body (for overusing it). That being said, staying bed all day is indeed harmful, but it's not as bad as doing neurotic action. That insight was a relief, because I really don't want to take lithium, which is the most common medication for bipolar disorder. I hope my insight is accurate. Depression alone is enough. Hehe... Changing Psychiatrist I will probably see my dad tomorrow, and I will try to tell him how I honestly feel about my psychiatrist. I feel he treats me like a retard, as if I was 4 years old. I do NOT need someone to tell me what I should or shouldn't do. He's very insensitive, and I don't feel a heart-to-heart connection with him. Because he scolds me so much, and that makes me not want to open up to him. ?

Yesterday - Trying To Snap Out of Depression Through Work & Exercising Sometimes when I’m depressed, I wish I could fast-forward to when I’m feeling normal again. The thing is that I can’t really force myself to get out of that state. I have tried in the past, and it sure doesn’t work. I think neurotic action can elongate the depression even more. My dog is sick, so my mom is feeling very sad. And I don’t want to add to her suffering the fact that I'm not feeling good. I have been using work and exercising as a way to "alleviate" (aka run away from) depression. I guilt myself for doing that, because I know I’m just distracting myself. And I know I can go to the other extreme and end up feeling worse than if I had just laid in bed all day. I'm observing whether I overdo work or gym. For example, yesterday I woke up feeling very depressed. No motivation at all. Then, a friend came over. I wasn’t in the mood for socializing, so I decided to leave her with my mom and give the excuse that I had to work on a project. In reality, I didn't need to work at that moment, but I decided to run away from the situation by doing something "productive". After I finished, I felt slightly better. I socialized a little bit. It wasn’t really authentic, but at least it was something. But the bad feelings were still there. So I wanted to jump in the pool and swim. But that would have been really neurotic, because it was really cold and windy. It reminded me when I used to take cold showers in the winter three years ago. It’s like a self-punishment type of thing. But I really wanted to move my body and sweat. So I went to the gym and used the elliptical for 30 minutes. I was feeling some discomfort in my body, but I decided to keep doing it. Fear has been really present lately. As I’m doing something, my inner voice keeps telling me to stop what I’m doing because I will hurt myself. But I just didn’t want to deal with those negative feelings. So I deliberately ignored my inner voice and completed the exercise. After I finished it, I was feeling relatively better, but there was some pain in my body (which is something that always worries me. Then, I came back home. I interacted, but in an artificial way. It was as if I had taken a drug. To be honest, I prefer to interact artificially than being in that fucked up depressed state. The only problem is that I can get overexcited and start making plans for things I don’t really want to do. It's a very unstable type of joy. I can lose it at anytime. Another friend was going to come here, but I procrastinated. Even though I really like him, even interacting with a close-friend is challenging when I’m down. In fact, being in the presence of anyone becomes a really uncomfortable thing. The only thing I want to do is lay and use the computer. Then, eat junk food. And come back to bed. It’s a vicious cycle. The world starts to seem like a very uninteresting place. I feel numb to everything. And I feel nobody would understand me, so I feel there's no point in even trying to opening up with someone. There's so much pain that no amount of talking could help me get out of it. And everything seems complicated. The medication would supposedly help alleviate the symptoms, but they are still happening. Today Today is my mom’s birthday, but she's sad because we just found out that my dog has a huge tumor in his liver. I worry about my mom, because she’s going through very difficult times lately. I woke up today at about 9:30 am. I was about to sleep again, but there was a spark in me to wake up. When I’m depressed, I sleep as much as my body can -- just so I don’t have to deal with reality. Of course, that doesn’t really work, because when I do wake up, I am feeling shittier than ever. But today that didn’t happen. I thought I wasn’t depressed anymore, and I was even excited for the day. I decided to swim. I was able to get out of depression last week through swimming. However, a friend gave me some swimming instructions the other day, which made me feel very confused because I couldn’t really catch on. All I wanted to do was move my body, even though I had a bad technique. When I use to give language classes, I could notice how a person would get blocked if I corrected him too much. So I decided to swim “freely”. After 10 minutes, I was tired and very cold. I wanted to force myself to keep doing it, but I could see how that wouldn’t work. It would cause a backlash, and if I kept doing that I could likely get aversed to swimming. And that's supposed to be a pleasurable thing. In fact, lack of pleasure is one of the signs of depression. Then, I went to my room and I was feeling very scared. I feared that I was going to break out. That I had pushed the rubber-band too much and it was going to break. I laid on my bed, and slept for a couple more hours. Immediately after waking up, I went to the gym and went on the elliptical once again. My middle back was aching a little bit. But I did 30 minutes once again. I came back home, and my mom had gotten back from the vet. I couldn’t take any criticism because I was too fragile. She complained how I didn’t feed our other dog. I felt very guilty for forgetting about that. Then, I had lunch and laid in my bed for rest of the afternoon. And now I’m writing here. I don’t feel good. I feel gloomy. And I hope this passes quickly. I want to be me again. I don't like my "ghost" version. I don't want the hyperactive version also. I just want to feel okay. Is that too much to ask?

Depression is getting very sneaky. I don’t see it coming so clearly. It disguises as irritation, sleepiness, wanting to be alone. But then, next thing I know, it is there again: Lack of vitality, me not being me anymore, a desperate longing to be free from it. And, counterintuitively, sometimes the best thing to do is nothing. Or take small steps, such as seeing a friend. Having a psychiatrist who is very rigid makes things harder. When I am feeling well, dealing with him is doable. But when I’m feeling low, it’s too challenging. I have felt low for the past 2 days. I hope tomorrow I will wake up more energized. Romantic Feelings To care or not to care. Letting go romantic desire is not something I can force myself to do. It’s a process. And it can be painful. Talking with good friends about it can help deal with this feeling better. It's so twisted how I can get attached to a person I barely met. It's like a drug... I know I am just projecting an illusion, but having this logical understanding won't change the fact that I am thinking about a person way too much. Again, sharing how I am feeling to a friend can be very helpful to not get obsessed about someone. Work & Anxiety The translation I accepted to do is making me anxious sometimes, even though it's something I know I can do. I cancelled an appointment I had with the woman that asked me to do it. These emotional relapses are awful for my self-confident... Gym Today I went to the gym, but my body was asking for rest. So instead of forcing myself to weightlift, I went back home. Exercising is great, but is not the ultimate answer. Heart-to-heart conversations are much more healing. The relapse I am feeling is much more subtle than it used to be, and apparently is easier to break free from it. "Oh... depression. Ok, I see how you operate. And I can let you go." Simple as that...

5-4-2019 (4 days ago) I have been feeling quite stable lately. My humor isn’t oscillating to extremes, and that’s a great thing! I can totally see how physical exercises contribute to my well-being. And having proper sleeping is also key. I find that when I don’t sleep enough, I get very irritated. And if my sleep schedule is messed up, I am much more prone to get depressed. I have been able to step out of my comfort zone in correct dosages. Trying to get out of the comfort too obsessively is worse than never leaving the comfort zone. Libido Ever since I started weightlifting and swimming, my libido has gotten MUCH better. I used to not trust my penis, because I feared I wouldn’t get hard during a sexual relation. And now I feel confident with that. I also feel I am on the right path to accepting my sexuality. Work & Money I want to get back to teaching private classes. Problem is, speaking too much makes my voice really tired and because I speak from my throat, which makes me go roar. It gets annoying and painful. I have contacted a great speech therapist. I have to go to the otorinolayricologist first to see if there’s any problem on a physical level. Fortunately, I have calmed down my anxiety to make money fast. I have set the intention that I want to earn some cash, but I am not neurotic about it. I was also able to ask my dad to help me financially (for now). This was outside of my comfort zone, because I used to be have a lot of pride, so I would never ask my dad for stuff. There was a little bit of guilt also, as if I wasn’t worthy of getting help. I want to have my financial independence, but I know it will not come overnight. And my dad can act as a scaffold. Dad Talking about my dad, my bond with him is getting stronger. I am very grateful that this is happening because two years ago I was rebelling against him. I thought he was my enemy, as if he was the reason I was suffering in my life. And now we are having a lot of bonding moments. And I also think I can help a lot with raising his two little kids. Friendship For the first time since I was a child, I have felt I am really “a friend”. Sure, I don’t have a perfect personality, but I feel my qualities surpass my flaws. Nowadays I am able to not care so much about the flaws of others. And I see how I am able to get out of toxic situations, without being too rude. Exercising Regarding my physical exercises, I have been swimming a lot. Maybe too much, and with a not-so-good form. Fortunately I have a very good friend who is a great swimmer, so I hope he can help me out with that. Today I did some weightlifting, and it felt great. I got worried yesterday, because I ended up taking 4 pain-killer pills. This is the maximum dosage that is recommended. I think my body was aching yesterday, because I swam too much this week and because I only swam. And I think it’s important to vary different physical activities (such as swimming, weightlifting, yoga, etc.) If I only do one thing, I will only use some muscles and movements, which can increase the odds of injury and my body will get stiff (for not varying the movements). 7-5-2019 – 4 days later Tinder I downloaded Tinder. And it’s a pretty addictive thing. I felt safe to let myself go and get a little addicted to it. I know I will get bored with it eventually. I have contacted some interesting people. And relationships is a tricky thing for me, because I tend to want to block my feelings. I hate feeling embarrassed for liking someone who might not like me also. On the other hand, I also fear hurting somebody else’s feelings. And I also don’t know if I am ready for a relationship, because it takes physical, mental, and emotional effort. I have been feeling well for the past two weeks, so I have to remind myself to go slowly. I am not running 100 m, but a marathon. If I use too much will power, I will get tired very quickly. Swimming & Gym So, my friend helped me swim correctly. I hadn’t realized how wrong my form was. I was doing a lot of unnecessary effort. I admit I got neurotic after he explained the theory to me. I am a very insecure learner. I think I will not “get it”. But anyway, fortunately, I was able to let my neurosis go. Today I weightlifted. I avoided one exercise, because I think it’s doing harm to my knee. The only part in my body that is aching is my shoulders. Thing is, exercising should be pleasant. Otherwise, it's neurotic. Mattress I called the mattress company I bought at, and they will likely give me back 70% of what I paid. I definitely learned my lesson. I need to take more time to test out products I will use for a long time. Depression Yesterday I was feeling lethargic. But it was different from depression. There was a clear cause for my tiredness yesterday. And the fatigue I feel when I am depressed has no clear cause. Anyway, I spent most of yesterday and today laying in my bed. And my body got really stiff. I was already panicking about that, as if I was going to lose all the progress I made. But that’s just a fear of my ego. Yes, I do have to take care of my body and respect my limits. But I will not die if I have a little pain. Speaking of pain, I took 3 painkillers today. I felt guilty for doing that. Hopefully I will not do this again. Cellphone I used my phone a lot these past 2 days, and I can see how unhealthy it can be. It is definitely not a substitute for real-life interactions. There’s a person I am interested in that I found on Tinder, who I want to meet in-person. I just hope I don’t take too long. But even if it doesn’t work out, I know there will be more opportunities. Money I spent too much money this last month. Fortunately, my mom rocks and she’ll help me pay. I got very happy that I will get some money with a translation.

Thanks for the question Yes, I have thought about it. I am pretty good at massaging, even though I am an amateur. Currently, my fear is having wrong technique, and I have this rumination of screwing up my muscles and articulation, and that I will have tendinite or something like that. A course would be helpful to learn the correct technique. It is a physically demanding job. It's not something I would do in the foreseeable future. But maybe years from now, I can become a holistic psychologist. That is, I can help the patient unblock psychologically and physically. Yesterday (5-1-2019) It was a pretty nice and fluid day. I woke up with a fear of breaking down emotionally and have paranoia. Sometimes when things are going well, I start to panic and think of worst case scenarios types of situations. Brené Brown talk about this. It’s a way for the ego to protect itself by coming up with imaginary events and preoccupations. Over the past few days, I'd had trouble shitting. Fortunately, I was able to do so. Hooray! It's an awful feeling to not defecate. We totally take shitting for granted. When shitting doesn't happen, life proportionally becomes hell. One thing I have been noticing is a slight nausea. I will stay aware about that. I know that if I tell my psychiatrist that this is happening, he will say that rapé (shamanic snuff) is causing it. I repeat: he irritates me. Not because he makes me think, but because he is a know-all type of person, he uses way too much masculine compassion, and he has given me incorrect information. For example, he said that antidepressants make 100% of the effect in 20 days. Nowhere have I found that number. A Bitch Called Stress Too much stress and anxiety make people age faster. In my case: I am losing hair, I have a little bit of psoriasis, and I have some white hair. It pisses me the fuck off. Exercising is great for releasing stress. Talking with a trustworthy friend is also a good tool to release stress. Having a good routine (not too many things nor too little things to do) is also needed to have be healthy mentally and physically. What I have found throughout my self-development journey is that I need a lot of different tools. For example, Yoga alone is not enough. Neither is medication. Nor having strong bonds. A combination of all of those are ideal for maximizing results. Quality of Life This term has been very present in my mind lately. Six months ago, my quality of life was terrible. I was waking up at 5 pm, I was eating too much junk food, and I didn’t have energy to socialize. During my depression treatment, I acknowledge that some placebo effect must have taken place. Sometimes I doubt the efficacy of antidepressants. But anyhow, I do not have to force well-being. It’s a natural thing. And that's a very positive sign. Every area of my life is fixing by itself. It’s really interesting to see that happen. Health is something organic, not something I have to force myself to do. I used to believe that I needed moments of suffering to value good moments. Of course, life has its ups and downs. But every phase must be at an acceptable level. The goal of antidepressant is to enlongate the euthymia phase. Depression and euphoria are really annoying things. I hope they become very sporadic from now on. Let's see...

Worry, Overthinking & Rumination Today I started to worry about making money. My savings are almost all gone. And I don’t want to depend on my mom and dad to have money. Or to get a job that I don’t like, just because I need cash. I know that sometimes we have to take action, or do things against our will. But the thing is, sometimes the more we try, the farther we are from what we want. And vice-versa. It's a counterintuitive thing. Anyway, when I want to solve something, I usually start to ruminate about it. No matter what problem is on my mind: Losing weight, being more social, making money, etc. I can’t stop myself from thinking about it. Not in a constructive way, but with a lot of guilt and doubt. It’s a useless mental masturbation that only makes my mind tired and worried. So sometimes it’s good to do an activity that has nothing to do with what I’m trying to solve. For example, watching a movie, going out with friends, cook, etc. It’s like taking a mini-vacation from the, so to speak, worrying-mind. Not always easy to do so. Not making money can be a very stressing thing to think about. And the weird thing about worrying is that the more I try to not think about something, the more I end up thinking about it. Regarding money, I will see my dad tomorrow, and I hope to step out of my comfort zone and talk with him about this. I will share with him my most honest thoughts. I fear he’ll give me stupid solutions, but I am just curious to see what will come out of that conversation. Physical Health Another thing that’s been bugging me is my physical health. I have been feeling pains in my body. I think there are two causes for that: incorrect exercising and bad mattress. First, I have started to swim and weightlift. But I am almost sure I am doing them with incorrect form. I worry so much about that, but doing so only adds to the problem. I get more self-conscious, which makes me screw things up even more. Second, I bought a mattress about a month ago. Instead of doing a more thorough research, I only went to ONE store. Truth is, I just wanted to get rid of this problem. And now I saw that the store I bought from is actually shitty. They accept giving me the money back, as long as I pay for 30% of the price of the mattress. Damn. I have been taking pain-killers quite frequently. I used to be totally opposed to medication a few years ago, and here I am taking a lot of pills. I have a friend who’s pretty good at doing massages, but most of the times I am embarrassed to ask him to do it in me because I get shy about it. And subconsciously I fear I will have to have reciprocity. And this is really twisted, because I actually enjoy doing massages in people. Well, ever since I started weightlifting, I get lazy about that because my muscles are tired from the workout. Oh, and one thing I forgot to mention, is that I have had constipation lately. It's an annoying thing. Another thing regarding my mental health: I fear that at any moment, I will collapse. And then, I will see the fraud that I am. Well, hopefully, my physical health will improve and I will only take the medications I really need. In the meantime, I have to be very patient. Thinking About The Past I have been thinking about my past, especially my teenage years. It was a moment that I felt very misunderstood, as if nobody understood me. And I often regret not “living the moment”. And I have this fear of being a 40-year-old teenager. But then, it came to me to apply compassion, of like “Ok… that happened, and it sucked. But you’re alive, man! If you start living your present moment, you’ll have an amazing future.” “Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive.” ― Dalai Lama XIV Most of the times, I don’t see how awesome I am. I am already amazing. The thing is, depression blinds me too negatively. And euphoria blinds me too positively. Truth is, I beat myself up too much. I think I am not worthy. I fear what I’ll say or ask is stupid. So I end up rehearsing (many times) in my head what I want to say, which kills my spontaneity. This has a lot to do with insecurity. Here’s a little bit about rumination from Psychology Today Thanks for reading!

Yesterday was hands down the scariest day of the year so far. It sucks to feel I am about to lose control and have a panic episode. I'm glad I have been more compassionate to myself. It's very liberating to allow myself to rest. Sometimes the only thing we can do to heal ourselves is to do nothing. Today, I did some cardio for 30 minutes. It felt good. I felt a slight discomfort in my knee and shoulder, but nothing big. I want to buy a knee brace. I also want to strengthen the muscles around the knee, and go to an orthopedist to check on that. Physical activity is really key to overcoming depression. But it's got to be done in the right way. That is, one day at a time, without rushing results, and paying close attention to the signs my body gives me. And of course, resting. I am pretty paranoid about injuring myself. As I am exercising, I worry too much if I am doing it in the correct form. But this fear becomes a self-fulling prophecy. Because I think so much about what I am doing, I end up doing it incorrectly. Another thing that comes up as I start to exercise more is the belief that exercising is like the most important thing ever, and that if I don't do it every single day, I will feel like crap. Nah... that's not accurate. In fact, every time I think I "need" to do something everyday to feel well, it's a red-flag. I am still recovering from the little trauma I had yesterday. Panic is an awful feeling. And I don't ever want to feel it again. Or at least, I will do everything that's in my power to prevent something like that to happen again.

Yesterday I swam for hours. I didn’t realize how tired I actually was. I was feeling euphoric, and I thought that high energy state was how I supposed to feel on a regular basis. Nothing can be further from the truth. Neurotic exercise is definitely worse than no exercise at all. My first mental breakdown three years ago was due to overtraining. And I almost had one today. It was very scary. I slept a lot, and I had many nightmares. I thought that state of panic wouldn’t go away. I thought I was going to die. Luckily I fell asleep minutes afterwards. I had made plans with my dad, which I obviously didn’t go to. And I’m glad I didn’t. Yesterday I was worrying a lot about my hair loss, and while I was panicking today, I saw how my mental health is far more important than that. I think my psychiatrist is doing me more harm than good. He emphasizes a lot of taking action, but I have a tendency for neurosis so he’s giving me bad advice. Right now, it’s 11:25 PM and even though I feel “normal”, I am still scared of what happened earlier today. I’m glad I came back from that state. Euphoria is worse than depression in my case, because I tend to do a lot of stupid shit when I am on cloud nine. I get very inconsequential. While I was swimming, I was trying to fight with my body & mind. I was trying to ignore that they have limits. And if I don’t respect their limits, there is going to be a proportional backlash. I am scared to use rapé. I just found out that the tobacco that it has is 20x more than regular tobacco. And there’s also a substance called IMAOI (Irreversible monoamine oxidase inhibitors), which can be pretty dangerous. One of my biggest fears is to go crazy. I just took a bath, and I feel better. After over-euphoric moments, there comes a sense of peace, of like “You don’t have to push yourself too hard, man. Take a break.” And strangely enough, in some point of my life, I got addicted to that. I would do a lot of shit so that I could feel that peace. But it’s something very unhealthy. In this week, I will try to do some exercise but very lightly. And I will take it easy with myself. I will also do some research on other psychiatrists. I slept pretty much all day, so I don’t know when will I fall asleep, but I will try to fix my sleeping schedule. And I will observe if I get neurotic or obsessed about something. Hopefully it will be a good week.

Today I woke up pretty depressed, but I didn’t allow negative thoughts to take over me. I knew that the negativity stemmed from not exercising yesterday. Even though my knees were still hurting, I decided to weightlift anyway. Throughout the workout, I was feeling pissed about my knee and the pain I have been feeling. And I also second-guessed myself a lot, because I fear I am doing the exercises incorrectly. After the gym, I came home and I had lunch with my sister. I was a lot in my head, so I could barely interact with her. Then I was searching about a knee protection. I was so desperate to use my body that I almost went to the mall to buy one and use the elliptical in the gym. I can sense how exercising is fundamental for my well-being, and if I don’t do it, my anxiety hits the roof. After a while, I realized that I could swim in the pool I have in my house. I thought, “How didn’t I think about this before?” Then I swam for about an hour. And as I was doing it, I'd transfer my anxiety and overthinking into the swimming. And it worked wonders. I feared I was overdoing it, but I don’t think I did. The only discomfort I felt was in my shoulder and a tiny bit in my right knee, but I am pretty sure it was because of the weightlifting. I think weightlifting is doing me more harm than good. I believe there are safer ways to get in touch with my body. After swimming, I was feeling very peaceful. And I became mindful of how anxious I normally am. I was shocked. My mind is always thinking ahead. This doesn't work at all. Then, I did something I hadn’t done in a while: I cleaned my room. I wasn't rushing to finish it; instead, I tidied up in a calm and focused way. The inner transformation I witnessed in my self today made me even question if anti-depressants are effective with me. To be honest, I am looking forward to swimming tomorrow. The only downside of it is that my hair gets dry. I think it's pretty safe as far as injuries go. Another reason why I felt achy today is that I am not adapting to my new bed. Even though I am not feeling 100% well, I am pretty optimistic and hopeful that I might be into something good. It’s as if in the last decade, I have been searching lots of crazy places to find a way to heal my body and mind, and the solution was right under my nose: sports.

Physical Activity I have realized how important exercising is for my mental health. And it sucks that I injury myself so easily, especially my knees. Pain is what have caused me to stop exercising in the past, and I fear the same might happen. This pisses me off… Seriously… I am very kinesthetic, so I need to feel inside my body. It is completely useless to know a lot of stuff if I don’t feel comfortable in my body. If I don’t move my body, I start to feel weird, irritable, and anxious. With exercising, I have messed things up in the past, and I want to change that. I am particularly aware if I am being neurotic about it. And I admit that I am a little. It's as if exercising is the solution to all my problems, the foundation for feeling well. Actually... this might be accurate. It sucks that right when I started to enjoy weightlifting, my fucking knees started to hurt. I will try to train tomorrow, but I fear the pain becomes worse. Fuck! I will talk to the teacher and take it very lightly. Anyway, I will go to an orthopedist to check on my knees.