kag101

Thumbs up

Omg, don't be a spiral dynamics preacher. Let people be what they are, and stop forcing people to be interested in what you are. If you get so irritated by this group, just quit it...

SAMPLE (IDEAL CALORIES INTAKE + TIMES OF MEALS) Day x - 7-xx-2019 Weight: 90 kg (-2 kg) // 198 lbs (-4.4 lbs) Calories: 2300 - 2700 cal > 1) Breakfast: 500-700 cal Time: 8-10 am > 2) Morning snack 200-300 cal Time: 10:30-11:30 am > 3) Lunch: 750-1100 cal Time: 12:00-1:30 pm > 4) Afternoon snack: 100-350 cal Time: 3:30-5 pm > 5) Dinner: 350-700 cal Time: 5:30-7:30 pm > 6) Evening snack: 150-250 cal Time: 8-10 pm Commentary: • I will not necessarily write what I ate, because that takes too much energy and time. I will write the approximate calories. • I will use my common sense to see how much I will eat in each meal. I want to avoid eating more than 2500 calories, or less than 2300 calories. I don't want extremes. I want to learn how to be fit -- not how to be anorexic. • I will keep the daily report as simple as possible. I don't want to get perfectionist and make very detailed reports, but fail at doing so for the full 30 days of challenge.

Day 8 - 7-01-2019 Weight: Tomorrow Calories: 2500 cal > 1) Breakfast: 500 cal Time: 10 am > 2) Morning snack 0 cal > 3) Lunch: 1100 cal Time: 1:30 pm > 4) Afternoon snack: 120 cal Time: 4-5 pm > 5) Dinner: 500 cal Time: 6-7 pm > 6) Evening snack: 250 cal Time: 8-10 pm Commentary: • I am monitoring what I eat way too much. I keep forgetting that I shouldn't be neurotic and/or perfectionist. In the following days, I will focus on only estimating how many calories I take. • I will create a sample with how many calories I should have for each meal, and around what time should I eat. • I have recently noticed that industrialized food tend to have a lot of fat. This won't be my focus, but I will be mindful regarding that.

June 30th, 6:28 pm Weed Quitting weed was a very important move. I don't do well with marijuana. It messes up with my brain chemistry, and I get somewhat aggressive and even egoic. I think that being rebellious was an important part of my journey. I had always been the nice guy, who would never say things that bothered me, who was afraid all the time. And I would feel extremely guilty for being an asshole, or for hurting other people's feelings. Btw, I love Leo's video on How To Stop Being a People-Pleaser. All in all, weed was making the medication be not so effective. My psychologist asked me in a very polite way, "Don't you think it would be better if, at least for now, you wouldn't smoke cannabis?" During the consultation, I got very defensive and I was self-justifying my behavior. But now I see how weed was blocking my progress. Optimism I feel optimistic about life. I don't have that overwhelming fear anymore that things would go terribly wrong in my life. I feel self-confident. Not in a exaggerated way, but in a calm and rational way. I know that I am amazing. I have had a big treasure all my life, and I just couldn't use it. I was afraid the world would judge it. But now, I don't have this fear anymore. I have good friends who support me and that make me remember how to relax and be myself. Sending Package To My Cousin Today I sent a package to my 14-year-old cousin. His birthday was a week ago. I bought him a cool spider-man T-shirt, and I also made him a card and I also put 50 bucks inside it. I think he will like it. I haven't been close to him due to depression. I simply was too insecure, too tensed-up to have any emotional bond with anyone. And, truth to be told, he was in a phase of being in his little world. So I hope that this present will make us be close once again. Migraine & Diet I have had some migraines today. Maybe it is because I haven't eaten much. I am making sure that I eat from 1800-2500 calories daily. Not eating is a huge trap. Not just because it's an ineffective strategy for losing weight, but it would also affect my mental health. Mattress My quest for finding a mattress is still on. I have found a site that seems reliable and good. They let the customer use the mattress for 100 days, and if he or she doesn't like it, they refund 100% of the value. The mattresses there are more expensive than in the other stores I researched, but I think it's worth a try. I sent my dad an email about that. Thank you for reading! Have a good week!

Day 7 - 6-30-2019 Weight: 97.0 kg (-0.4 kg) // 213 pounds (-1 pound) Calories: 2480 cal > 1) Breakfast: 600 cal Time: 8 am 400 cal (oatmeal with honey) + 200 cal (half of a whole-wheat sandwich with mayonnaise and ham and cheese) > 2) Morning snack: 300 cal Time: 11:40 am 70 cal (half of a papaya) + 20 cal (sweet cracker) > 3) Lunch: 950 cal Time: 1:40 pm > 4) Afternoon snack: 0 cal > 5) Dinner: 380 cal Time: 8:30 pm > 6) Evening snack: 850 cal Time: 11 pm Commentary: • I had weighted myself before going to the bathroom, and I was weighing 99.8 (220 pounds)! I was like, WTF? I know I have been eating more than I should, but that didn't really make sense. Then, I tried it again about an hour later, and I have actually lost some weight. That was a relief, because I was thinking of starting a way more rigorous diet. Now, I think I found the middle ground, and I have decided that my goal is to not go beyond 2500 cal daily. • I slept from 3 pm to 8 pm. I ended up eating dinner in the "evening snack" time. • I ate the same thing for lunch and for dinner. Also not a good thing, because I need variety of food.

Day 6 - 6-29-2019 Weight: Tomorrow Calories: 3050 cal > 1) Breakfast: 300 cal > 2) Morning snack: 300 cal > 3) Lunch: 1200 cal > 4) Afternoon snack: 300 cal > 5) Dinner: 350 cal > 6) Evening snack: 600 cal Commentary: • I ate a Cup Noodle in the late night. Not a good idea...

I agree. I find that the best way to pick up hot girls is to treat them as a friend. That is, I avoid any type of flirting. I only focus on the conversation itself. That being said, I am a very funny and laid back guy. If you are tensed-up, focusing on the conversation itself will make it go way too serious and boring. For example, you meet a girl and she is into spirituality and yoga. Then, you start talking about nondual experiences. "I suddenly became God. I realized that I am everything that ever was. And that, on an ultimate level, I am you." So far so good, but if you extend yourself too much, such as, "The implications of non-duality are visible anywhere you see. But unfortunately, people are too stuck in the Matrix to realize that they are God's highest manifestation. We are different leaves of the same tree. Each of us is a drop water, so ultimately we are all water. Everything is connected. Everything is an unity." If you keep trying to be profound and wise, you'll start to sound arrogant and pedant. For example, if I am in a playful mood, I would say, "So technically, my penis and your vagina are one." Haha, that could or could not work. But the thing is, there is no magic answer. Spontaneity is key. The goal is not to become an alpha guy, but to become your natural/authentic/playful self. Girls, especially hot ones, are very good at identifying when a guy is giving sings of interest. And they are tired of being flirted. I am not saying you should repress your instincts. I am just saying that if you can manage to treat her as a friend, that is, with no second intentions, they will notice that. And that can be very attractive. But anyway, at first, I recommend "training" with unattractive girls. Baby steps is the key. Rome was not made in one day. And the funny thing is, those girls are generally speaking very good in bed. An analogy: Trying to pick up a HB9, for instance, is like playing a game in level hard. You first need to get good at the lower levels.

Authenticity.

June 29th, 9:20 am Today I woke up feeling depressed and with an overwhelming muscular discomfort. Yes, my crappy mattress plays a role in this, but I had the insight that what's making my mood go down is smoking marijuana. I can't fool myself: smoking pot is not something that does any good to me. Yes, I can feel a little bit more mindful, but it simply doesn't pay off. In the last two weeks, that is, since I started smoking pot again, I have been verbally aggressive. I have argued with many people. I have had some pretty nasty thoughts about others, such as having a profound aversion to someone. I have been too dry, too blunt with people. Nothing big, but it's just not something I want to cultivate in my life. I am done with war. I want peace. "I will fight no more forever" -- Chief Joseph So today, I have decided to stop smoking once and for all. It won't be a difficult thing to do, because as I mentioned earlier, the "high" is very crappy. I prefer to just use Shamanic Rapé, and feel more and more grounded. All in all, smoking weed was a backlash. But I understand that this is normal. I am glad I have seen that it is not doing me any good. I have to thank my psychologist who warned me that. I tried to justify why I was using, but then it became clear that I was just coming up with excuses to use it. I am done with feeling crappy. I have felt that for many years, and I don't want to feel it anymore. And I know that the combination psychiatric treatment + psychotherapy is the way to go. Thank you for reading!

Day 5 - 6-28-2019 Weight: 97.4 kg (+1.3 kg) // 214 lbs (+3 pounds) Calories: 2700 cal > 1) Breakfast: 300 cal > 2) Morning snack: 100 cal > 3) Lunch: 1000 cal > 4) Afternoon snack: 700 cal > 5) Dinner: 400 cal > 6) Evening snack: 300 cal Commentary: • Gaining weight is not a fun thing. It can feel very demotivating...

Day 4 - 6-27-2019 Weight: Only Tomorrow Calories: 4190 cal > 1) Breakfast: 0 cal > 2) Morning snack: 0 cal > 3) Lunch: 1650 cal > 4) Afternoon snack: 0 cal > 5) Dinner: 1540 cal > 6) Evening snack: 1000 cal Commentary: • Holy cow! I ate a lot of calories today. I better be more mindful of how much I am eating. Let's see how much I will be weighing tomorrow...

Day 3 - 6-26-2019 Weight: 96.1 kg (-100g) // 212 (-1 pound) Calories: 2380 cal > 1) Breakfast: 0 cal > 2) Morning snack: 0 cal > 3) Lunch: 700-800 cal > 4) Afternoon snack: 0 cal > 5) Dinner: 1500 cal > 6) Evening snack: 0 cal Commentary: • I ate big portions fewer times a day. I don't think that's a good strategy. I think it's important that I eat at least something in each of the 6 meals so that I don't overeat in one of them. • I slept very early 6 pm and I woke up at 3 am. If I had slept later, I would have very likely eaten more. • My weight hasn't changed much (last time I weight myself was 48 hours ago). At least I didn't gained any weight. I lost 1 pound. I went from 212 to 211. • I am not in a diet. I am simply monitoring and keeping track of how I much I eat daily.

Day 2 - 6-25-2019 Weight: Only Tomorrow Calories: 3550 cal > 1) Breakfast: 350-400 cal > 2) Morning snack: 200-250 cal > 3) Lunch: 900-1100 cal > 4) Afternoon snack: 300 cal > 5) Dinner: 1100-1300 cal > 6) Evening snack: 200-250 cal Commentary: • No comments.

Day 1 - 6-24-2019 Weight: 96,2 kg (212 lbs) Calories: 3300 cal > 1) Breakfast: 300 cal > 2) Morning snack: 0 cal > 3) Lunch: 800 cal > 4) Afternoon snack: 350 cal > 5) Dinner: 800 cal > 6) Evening snack: 1050 cal Commentary: • I overate in the late night.

_________________________________________________________________________ I will post stuff about the 30-day challenge on a separate journal. Aching Back and Shoulders! - Old And Shitty Mattress! - Ugh! I took a nap today, and I woke up with a very high discomfort especially in my shoulders. It's a pain in the ass. I have been trying to find a good mattress to buy for months. I am just tired of that. I might as well buy a cheap mattress at the local store. I feel like this is a case of the more I try, the worse... Ideally, I would buy a mattress by the end of this month. I got to take some sort of action. I can't procrastinate more. Like, the level of discomfort right now is at a 8 out 10. The other annoying thing to find is a pillow. I mean, give me a break. I feel so lost in that sense. Ugh! It's really hard to console myself by saying, "This will pass. Before you know, you will be sleeping at a great and comfortable mattress." That might be true, but this doesn't take away the fact that my body is fucking aching. Ugh!!! I took painkillers about 40 minutes ago. I hope it helps alleviate the discomfort. Marijuana I smoked marijuana throughout the last 2 weeks. And I can firmly say that it is not doing me any good. I don't have a good high. I don't get paranoid per se, but I get aggressive. I am too old for this shit. I am fed up with losing my energy with stupid shit. I don't like how smoking feels like. It is a very hot thing and it messes with my throat. So, all in all, smoking pot is not paying off. It's just delaying my recovery. So I think I will not smoke it again. Weight Challenge I am still in the beginning of the challenge, but I think it's been pretty productive and insightful. I have decided to not write down what I eat per se, but just write an estimate of the calories.

Day 4 [6-27-2019] ――― Weight: *Will only weight myself tomorrow* ――― 1- Breakfast: Nothing 2- Morning snack: Nothing 3- Lunch: Meal: buffet 1 and a half time and açaí drink (1100-1200 cal) Dessert: Vegan Passionfruit Cheesecake (450 cal) 4- Afternoon snack: Nothing 5- Dinner: Meal: a lot of healthy stuff, such as meat, rice and beans, chicken, etc (1300 cal) 3 glasses of coke (240 cal) 6- Evening snack: Soup (200 cal) Bread (200 cal) Cookies with almond butter and condensed milk (400 cal) Random snacks (200 cal) ――― Total: 1200+450+1300+240+800+200 = 4190 cal ――― Commentary: > I miss writing about my depression in here. Tomorrow I will create a new journal and leave this one alone. > Writing down exactly what I ate takes too much time and energy. I will write only how many approximate calories each meal had. > Holy cow! I hate a lot of calories today. I better be more mindful of how much I am eating. Let's see how much I will be weighing tomorrow... I WILL NOT UPDATE THIS CHALLENGE THROUGH HERE ANYMORE. I HAVE CREATED A NEW JOURNAL SPECIFICALLY FOR THIS CHALLENGE. HERE IT IS:

Day 3 [6-26-2019] ――― Weight: 96.1 kg (-100g) 212 (-1 pound) ――― 1- Breakfast: Nothing 2- Morning snack: Nothing 3- Lunch: Meal: Rice and beans with meat + soda (700-800 cal) Dessert: Nothing 4- Afternoon snack: Nothing 5- Dinner: Meal: Baked potato with chicken and cream cheese + Soda (1100 cal) Desert: Sundae (400 cal) 6- Evening snack: Nothing ――― Total: 800+80+1100+400 = 2380 cal ――― Commentary: > I ate big portions fewer times a day. I don't think that's a good strategy. I think it's important that I eat at least something in each of the 6 meals so that I don't overeat in one of them. > I slept very early 6 pm and I woke up at 3 am. If I had slept later, I would have very likely eaten more. > My weight hasn't changed much (last time I weight myself was 48 hours ago). At least I didn't gained any weight. I lost 1 pound. I went from 212 to 211. > I am not in a diet. I am simply monitoring and keeping track of how I much I eat daily. > I think I will create a new journal starting today or tomorrow.

You're taking the insight of "life is a game" too seriously... To me, you're just a person who is overdoing spiritual practices (namely holotrophic breathing), and who is depressed.

Day 2 [6-25-2019] 1- Breakfast: cereal (350-400 cal) 2- Morning snack: Whole-wheat cookies (200-250 cal) 3- Lunch: Rice and beans with meat. and potato. Dessert: condensed milk with cookies. (900-1100 cal) 4- Afternoon snack: Muffin + coffee (300 cal) 5- Dinner: Buffet (with soda) + caramelized sundae (1100-1300) 6- Evening snack: Whole-wheat cookies (200-250 cal) Total: Approximately 3550 cal

30-Day Challenge - Keeping Track of My Weight So here's what I have decided for this challenge: I will not try to lose weight per se. The idea is to weight myself in every two days, as soon as I wake up, before having breakfast. I know that trying to lose too much weight in a month is a trap, because if that happens, I am very likely to backslide later on. This has happened a few times in my life, and it did not go well. In the last 9 years, my weight has ranged from 69 kg - 98 kg (152 lbs - 216 lbs). My ideal weight, I would say, is 82 kg (180 lbs). My goal is that after the 30 days, I am between 92,2 kg - 99,9 kg (202 lbs to 219 lbs). This is a realistic expectation. As long as I don't go beyond 100 kg, I am good to go. Ideally I should lose a few kilos/pounds. I have a picture of my weight from a month ago: I had 92,2 kg. I weight myself today and I am with 96,2 kg. Therefore, I gained 4 kg. If I keep gaining weight at this rate, I am still not sure if I will use kilos (which I am more familiar with), or pounds. Maybe I will use both. After today, I am almost sure that I will create a new journal specifically for this challenge. Day 1 - 6-24-2019 Weight: 96,2 kg (212 lbs) What I ate today: > Breakfast: 8:10 am Cereal with milk (300 calories) > Morning snack: Nothing > Lunch: 12:00 2 spoons of Rice 1 spoon Sautéed kale 3 pieces of Manioc 100 ml soda Dessert 1 whole-wheat cookie (800 cal) > Afternoon snack: 4:00 pm Peanut candy (350 cal) > Dinner: 6 pm Small Milkshake Big Mac (800 cal) > Extra food: Late Night: 2:30 am Rice, beans, potato chips (a little bit) + soda = 700 cal Condensed milk with cookies = 350 cal Total: 300+800+350 = 1450+800+350=2600 + 700 = 3300 cal Commentary: I overate in the late night. I was a little bit distracted with my meds. But I took all of them. Things are seeming less difficult.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-. Step-By-Step How to Tame Your Depression 1) Medication First of all, trust me, medication is not as bad as it seems. I used to be aversed to them. I was paranoid thinking that they would cause me bad side effects, that they would block my chakras, and so on. What truly blocks the chakras is not meds, but depression itself. >> The thing is, depression leaves 10 to 10000 times worse side effects than modern medication. 2) Psychotherapy And, finally, after you and your doctor find the right medication for you, then the next step is to find a good psychologist, one that listens to you, do not judge you, and that do not interrupt you frequently. >> But don't fool yourself: psychotherapy alone will not "unblacken your dark moods". 3) A Support Group That can be encouraging friends, group therapy, etc. >> But don't fool yourself: this will not "unblacken your dark moods". Other people can alleviate your suffering for a very short period of time. That's all. I repeat: Medication is a must! PS: This guide is based on my personal experience. -.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Day 30 [6/20/2019] - Challenge Completed!!! I DID IT!!! I FOUND THE HIDDEN TREASURE THE BUDDHA TALKED ABOUT! -.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-. Summary I feel healthy for the first time in about 15-16 fucking years. It was as if I was in "airplane mode" the whole time. I could never be fully present, because I had an unresolved trauma that triggered recurrent depressive episodes throughout my years and early adult years. -.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-. Background I have been into self-development for 11 years. Here's my "curriculum": Omg, a lot of stuff, huh? I was so desperate... Anyway, all of these things were an attempt to heal. Never would I have thought of that the solution would be simply going to a fucking psychiatrist. I thought they were "evil". But, truth to be told, most of them suck-balls. At some point in my life, between the ages of 17-21, I desperately sought Spiritual Enlightenment, and let me tell you: If I what I have been feeling in this past month is not Enlightenment; then, I don't even want whatever that is. PS: I will write a book called: "How I Got Enlightened Through Taking Anti-Psychotic Medication" -.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-. Results: This new medication (which I will not say the name for safety reasons) is doing me wonders. It is bringing me back to a healthy state of mind and body. > I am sleeping much better. I now have a repairing night of sleep. > I am much more focused and concentrated. > I do not feel overwhelming fear and sadness (the technical name is pathological). > I am much more organized, but not in a neurotic way. It is something organic and natural. > I am much more confident that I ever was, but again, in a healthy way. I do not think I am God or that I am flawless (this would characterize an maniac episode). > My social anxiety has vanished. > For the first time, after many attempts, I am doing psychotherapy and it is being very productive. So from now on, I do not tolerate people who bash on psychiatric medication. If you want me to expand on any of these benefits, reply to this topic -.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-. Future I still haven't decided whether I will keep posting here or not. I really like @Joseph Maynor's style of creating new journals with different titles and topics. I might experiment with that... But either way, my next 30-day challenge will be to Keep Track of My Weight. I plan to write down the "rules" of the challenge today or tomorrow. And I want to create a new journal by Monday June 24th, 2019. -.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-. Final Considerations Thank you, everyone, for reading this journal! I will leave you guys with a bitter pill from Kay Redfield Jamison, one of the most respected authorities in Maniac-Depressive Disorder. This is especially for whoever knows something is not right in the life, for whoever went through severe emotional trauma and now can't trust anyone, for feels like is not worth-living: If you can relate to the description above, I suppose deep down you know you have some sort of disorder (depression, suicide ideation, social anxiety, bipolar, etc.). At the same time, I also assume you might still be in denial. That was certainly my case for many years. I thought that self-development, self-help, or meditation would "heal" me somehow. In reality, all of these things -- which I was quite obsessive about -- did more harm than good. But, anyway, thanks for reading about my story! It was a pleasure to write about how I tamed my depression (at least for now ). Remember: there is treatment and there is hope! But, again, don't think you'll get out of this quagmire of suffering by yourself (that is, by watching YT videos, or reading some "spiritual books, or doing some crazy-ass meditation). Btw - The fact that the last day of the challenge, and very likely of this journal, was in the Summer Solstice was a pretty neat synchronicity. May you all be well, healthy, and happy... and, why not, Spiritually Enlightened!

Day 29 [6/20/2019] I went to my psychologist yesterday. It was a very good session. I vented about my psychiatrist. He is overly dry. I have a consultation with him for next month (I think it is going to be on the 16th). I want this to be my last paid session with him. He offers extra consultations for free within a month. So, by August, I plan to take this insensitive and arrogan guy out of my life. I am finally feeling well. I am taking a relatively high dosage, but I need it. It is fucking working! This doctor himself should take some medication to calm down his anxiety. He has highly unrealistic expectations. And he is never satisfied with how much I have progressed. It's as if everytime I go there, I should be feeling better than the consultation before. Healing does not work like that. It is actually an unlinear thing. I finally feel I happy for being alive. I am not a zombie anymore. I am not just in auto-mode, dragging through life. I am actually enjoying this human incarnation. Yes, there are problems, but they are not as big as I used to think they are. A biochemical imbalance in the brain can fuck anyone up. You can be in heaven, but you think you're in hell. I have many ideas and my creativity is on the roof, but I constantly need to remind myself that I am still in treatment. I should not take harsh moves until the beginning of 2020.

If you don't cum, you'll get extremely horny and very likely tensed.