kag101

Sounds like you're depressed, huh, buddy? Have you been tripping?

Enroll at a writing class (at, for example, a community college). You need to have some basic theory, and then write A LOT. And it is also very important that you receive a feedback, and that you rewrite your essay as many time as possible.

August 8th, 9:58 PM This uncertainty Will it ever leave me alone? I know that I know how to live life Organically, instinctively, naturally. Not in this robotic way. Always caught up in thoughts. Fears. Catastrophes. You say, "Be lighter. Have some fun!" Then, here I am, serious about not being serious. Am I doomed? (sigh)

First of all, I think you're overrationalizing all this "spiritual" quest of yours. As the Zen saying goes, "Before Enlightenment chop wood and carry water. After Enlightenment, chop wood and carry water." The real question is: How is your day-to-day life going? All of these psychedelics experiences and deep existential insights are useless if you're living a crappy life.... Second of all, technically, you can't fully surrender the ego. Only way to do this is by physically dying. (Btw, dying is obviously a negative thing! Suicide is no way a sign of spiritual maturity!) Third of all, people get it backwards. They think that having no ego (or at least a small one) is the goal of spirituality. No! The goal is to have a strong tamed ego. "Mind is a wonderful servant, but a terrible master." -- Osho Btw - Google spiritual bypassing. Wikipedia has a really good definition on it.

August 8th, 12:41 AM I have been depressed the past days. Lots of fear, rumination, and isolation. A lot of "should" statements. I should wake up earlier. I shouldn't try this. I should, idk, it's very tiresome to reduce my self to a whole bunch of things that were supposed to happen. Today I talked with a different psychiatrist. This guy is very alternative. He has used Ayahuasca for more than 35 years, and he lives in the amazon. The consultation was pretty good. Thing is, the guy told me a lot of pseudoscience type of things. I am really grateful that I have good critical thinking skills. It is like a vaccine to BS. He suggested me to do an exam called pharmacogenetics. Basically, it determines which medication will work based on my genes. I did some research on this, and it has very poor evidence. Anyway, it is always good to try and articulate my life story, particularly with someone who has a lot of experience in the Path. My idea is to keep going to the psychiatrist I am already going. And maybe every month or two, go see a new psychiatrist. It's a very good exercise to tell my story, and to also hear someone else's feedback. I often underestimate the power of simply talking with people. Talking can be really transformative! Tomorrow I have my psychologist. I am looking forward to it.

Products I want to write reviews on: 1) App: MoodTools (5/5) >> GREAT for keeping track of my mood >> Very nice features on CBT >> This is a great tool for you to become your own psychotherapist (of course it doesn't substitute a real licensed professional) 2) Book: "An Unquiet Mind" (5/5) >I f you have been reading this journal for some time, you probably have heard me talking about it. >> Written by one of the highest authorities on bipolar (formerly known as Manic-depression). >> Author is a Professor of Psychiatry at John Hopkins. Her name is Kay Redfield Jamison. She herself has bipolar. Here's a excerpt of her talking: 3) Book: The Success Principles for Teens, by Jack Canfield and Kent Healey (4/5) >> The Bible of stage orange SD >> Lots of real-life examples >> Very easy to read >> Careful to not get neurotic about reaching results, and become an obsessive overachiever.

August 2nd, 1:21 PM Today I started my new "BASIC ROUTINE", which is: Btw - I will try to find an app on routines. IMPORTANT STUFF: >> Because I have just got out of a pretty bad depressive episode (8/10), I am feeling a little bit euphoric. I am paying attention to see if I am getting too neurotic or hyperactive. I know this is a VERY common trap. >> I slept for about 6 hours. >> I woke up at about 10 AM (which is the "limit" of how late I want to wake up.) >> As soon as I woke up, I had some vestiges of the depressive episode, but it didn't have a grip on me. It was as if it were a dry leaf. It didn't make sense anymore, so I was able to let those thought patterns go pretty easily. And start trying out my new BASIC ROUTINE. Warning: Just because I am feeling matter that DOES NOT mean I can stop taking my medications. This is another VERY common trap. (Lol) >> After I got up, I took a shower, did my bed, and took a small walk outside. Spending time outside is really good for improving one's mood. It doesn't have to be long. Ten minutes is enough. A walk around the block. That's enough for me. (I just hope to be a little bit more mindful that this dude, lol) >> Here at my house, we're having a guest. When I was in the depressive episode, I was freaking out because of that. I usually get Social Anxiety when I am depressed. But anyway, now it seems very clear how to interact with this guest. I don't have to be super talkative. And, really, if I am on a bad day, a simple "Hello" is enough. I am not here to entertain her... >> I am feeling positive. Not in a forced way. I am just naturally optimistic and confident.

Wow... it's really sad how young people have to deal with so much pressure & stress...

No worries. I was a little bit to rude, so sorry for that as well... Not really. But I will try it out.

3rd August, 3:44 AM Depression Gone, Simple Yet Powerful Insight, and New Routine So crazy how depression comes out of nowhere, and how it goes away out of nowhere. But anyway, I read on a book that no illness comes without giving a message. I have been getting many insights from dealing with my depression. I got a very powerful one today (despite its simplicity): The Power of Having a Simple Routine I also got an insight about my tendency to completely stop replying to my friends' messages when depression hits me. I am very perfectionist about my social skills. I proud myself for being an easy-going guy who has a good sense of humor. Therefore, in a depressive episode, I get very ashamed of being judged as being "too quiet", "distant", "weird etc. But you know what? My real friends don't fucking care about this. They like me regardless of what I do, of how many words I use, or how i text them back. So when I am depressed, I will try to reply to messages in a basic and simple way. Reminder: Something is better than nothing.

Yea, I get those. And it usually happens when I am in a depressive episode, in which I am much more prone to belittle the present moment, and instead fantasize about how "amazingly perfect" the past was. Nostalgia is a melancholic feeling. It is neither good nor bad per se. But ultimately it is, like it or not, an illusion that draw us away from the present.

Agreed. This thing of seeing meditation, "awareness, etc. as a panacea is a very dangerous approach. The person might end up thinking something like, "I have a deep psychological trauma from my childhood. Yea, my depression and anxiety probably came from that... But you know what? I won't go to a therapist, nor will I go to a psychiatrist. Nah... I will just use the power of my awareness to solve everything, and become a Buddha." Good luck with this approach... Don't get me wrong self-knowledge and self-reflection are very important tools, but try telling a person who is having a serious depressive episode to "apply awareness to how he's feeling"... In the case of serious emotional problems (such as cptsd), I really like the following quote: Meditation will not work with people who are heavily traumatized. Their pain is too big. So they need medication to alleviate the symptoms. It's just like trying to meditate with a VERY bad migraine. Is it really worth trying to be "mindful" of the migraine? Will you be focused as you're doing that? Or wouldn't it be better to take a pill and rest, and wait for your body to go back to homeostasis? Same thing with mental illnesses...

I think you're buying the insight of No Self as a belief. Mayeb you're turning nonduality into a religion? That is you might have fallen into the trap of believing before experiencing things first-hand. I forgot, Lol.

August 1st, 12:18 AM A Freer Style I have decided to change my “intention” when I am writing here. I will not force anything as I am writing. This is a vent sort of journaling. There is absolutely no need to paint things differently than how they actually are, because what really changes things is sincerity and transparence, not using makeup to pretend I have figured things out, when I clearly have not. Realness = good Fakeness = bad This is a deep insight. The positive-thinking mentality is so ingrained in me that I often forget that seeing things as they are is the most powerful way to actually transform them. Because as I articulate exactly what I am going through (to the best of my abilities, obviously) gives me the gift of having the opportunity of actually seeing the problem outside of my head, and “materialized” into my writing. Speaking of writing, I will also set another intention. I have noticed that I use way too much energy as I am writing here. I try to underline things that are the most important, as if I am writing for like buzzfeeds that needs a lot of clicks. No! The goal here should not be that. Authenticity is better. I can practice it here. But obviously, authenticity has its limits! It’s very easy to fall in the trap of turning on “Mr. Radically Honest Guy”. That’s not real authenticity. It is just an arrogant, overexposing inner character. In my manic phases, I tend to go down this route. So it is extra important to ask myself on a regular basis: “Am I oversharing stuff that I might regret later?” If so, it is time to reach out to my psychiatrist. I have gone through moments of madness in my life. Very depressed. Very tensed. And very anxious and paranoid. Uh… it’s incredible how a childhood trauma can impact the life of a person so deeply. Yes, I can recover from it and turn things around. But the thing is, there is no magic solution. I was reading an article on Tony Robbins today. I really don’t like his approach of “I’ll make you get rid of a deep-rooted trauma in seconds.” This is fantasy. You can’t rush the process. It is a process! It’s as if reading a book, and because you want to know what happens, you read its Wikipedia page. You must go through the heroes’ journey so that the insights and teachings are fully integrated. When you fully go through all the phases of forgiveness & grief, the insights becomes part of you. It becomes YOURS. Your wisdom. Nobody can take that away from you. If, however, you choose the route of “lemme rush things up. I have more important things in my life than to feel these low-consciousness emotions.” Then, guess what? No mud, no lotus, baby. No process, no insight. No wisdom. Just an incomplete thing. You become an incomplete person if you choose that easy route. Of course I am NOT saying you should dive super deep into your own suffering. This is just arrogance and it's not gonna work. Some years ago, I tried to do shadow work all by myself. “Imma dive deep into the darkest spots of my mind. And I won't be afraid to go there alone!”. Eh… didn't work. You kill a gremlin. It appears a stronger one. It is a never-ending Inner War. Man, so much shit I have gone through in my life. Seriously. Some dark-ass days and nights. And for a very long time, I didn’t even consider the possibility that I might had clinical depression. It didn’t come to mind. And now that I have this knowledge, I have better chances at winning the Battle. Ignorance = Darkness For so long, I had to fight in complete darkness. I couldn’t find my enemy. And now I know its features and characteristics. Naming the dragon makes it lose half of its power. (Sigh) Depression completely robs me of all my spontaneity. It is as if I am a sick animal. I end up forgetting how to feel my natural instincts. And that leads me to feeling like a robot. Thinking About Deep Stuff Sometimes I get tired of thinking about deep things. I have been judged a lot of times as being boring for enjoying talking about deep stuff. And I admit that I myself have a problem with that. Deep down, I think “I should not think about deep stuff. It’s useless. It won’t bring me happiness. I should watch My Little Pony.” One thing’s for sure: Thinking about deep stuff is definitely not encouraged in our society. And, well, I’d say that there is a right technique to do so. I should read more about people who were really good at doing that. Poets, writers, artists, philosophers. Again, I should be careful with my already-known tendency of wanting to reinvent the wheel. Reminder: If I want to solve the greatest Existential questions by myself, I will likely get nuts (as I have gotten before). But, anyway, I am discovering a whole bunch of artists who expressed their inner demons through their work of art. And to me, art is not something you can learn. It’s something that comes from the depths of my essence, my "true self", my "soul". And it reveals itself. And because I am someone who is very sensitive, intutive, and have gone through Hell; everything that comes out of me is Art. How To Spot Real Art From Fake Art: Real Flower = Real Art (real, organic, and aromatic) Fake flower = Fake Art No fragrance. Just fakeness. Not to say that art will cure all of my problems. But it can certainly help me express what I fail to do so in normal conversations. It is really rare to have a heart-to-heart conversation with anyone when I am under the spell of Lifelessness (aka depression). And I have judged what I wrote and did so goddamn much in the past, as if it wasn’t “valuable”, because "I wasn't Alligned". This is just Divine Perfeccionism. No need to have an upright spine. No need to learn "technique". This is all BS. The real purpose of art is to express oneself for its own sake. I have come to realize recently that everything I express is art. There is no such thing as “ugly”. Things don’t have to be “rounded and perfect”. Quite the opposite. Lots and lots of talented people fail to do Art, because they’re too worried with being “perfect”, “good enough”. Their self-esteem is so high and they haven't visited Hell, so their work cannot touch our Human Fragility (which is where Art is born). Yoga, An Inner Art One of the things I learned in Yoga is that it is an INNER art. Yes, you can check yourself once in awhile in the mirror to see how’s your stance, but the biggest trap -- especially in our culture -- is to get lost into the World of Forms. \ “Oh… I have to be in a perfect pose and allignment.” >> That’s the sure way to, actually, not do well in yoga. When I am focused on that, I actually get disconnected from my body and inner sensations -- which are the true radar that will lead you to a good practice. Too much focus on the external, of “looking good” = lost of natural spontaneity and no connection with Inner Child = poor practice. Remember: Cats and dogs are masterful yogis. So the more you tune into your naturalness, the better! :-) _______ Worry. Worry. Ugh! Why do I worry that I worry too much? Why do I have to pretend I have all the answers? Where does this fear of Reality comes from? When will I realize that it is safe to relax? _______ DALAI LAMA Self-hatred? What is that? Oh My God! All of you guys have that? But… but this is a mistake! “Trauma is hell on Earth. Healed trauma is a blessing from the Gods.” >o< FUck 30-day challenges F* appointments F* inner-guilt F* inner-dictator F* positivity F* organization F* being understood F* worry Oh, and last but not least, F* fear @_@' ->> Things will figure out by themselves. <<- Ugh!

July 31st 10:21 PM I am at my friend’s house right now. THANK GOD I WENT TO MY PSYCHIATRIST TODAY Today, I summoned the will power to go to my psychiatrist. I went there with my dad. It was super important to go there. I have been feeling depressed over the last 3-4 days, so it is important to intervene as quickly as possible. There is nothing inherently "wrong" with being depressed, but it’s just not who I really am, and it is an illness. NO MORE WAR I have learned the hard way that you cannot be at war with depression. Aversion only strengths depression. That doesn’t mean I should passively “accept” being in a dark mood. Action is needed. Better yet, right action. In the case of today was just showing up to the psychiatrist. Sometimes it is good to set this intention. “Just show up”, because that can help build momentum and lower expectations and perfeccionism. #1 PRIORITY The thing is,. But I have to keep in mind that my mental health is my number 1 priority. Thus, I have to program into my mind that: GRATITUDE FOR MY 2018 SELF I am really glad I took action in November of 2018. I fucking went to the psychiatrist. That took a lot of courage and humility. My spiritual ego convinced for years that, “Uh? Psychiatrist? I don’t need that! I can deal with depression by myself. I don’t need science. I am a spiritual and evolved person. The Buddha within will take care of this.” This highly arrogant attitude is first and foremost STUPID. Seriously, do I really want to dismiss hundreds and hundreds of years of scientific research on mental illnes? Do I really think I -- in my arrogance -- that can solve it by myself? Am I fucking kidding? This is my tendency to want to reinvent the wheel. LIFE PURPOSE Going to the consultation today with my dad was really important. Afterwards, I felt safe. Like it or not, I suffered from generational child abuse due to my parent's divorce. Simply put, my dad repeated the mistakes of my granddad, who repeated the mistakes of my grandgranddad, and so on. Now it’s time for this wheel of suffering (samsara) to stop. And it ends with me. I will do whatever is in my power to heal my childhood traumas. OTHER STUFF >> The psychiatrist had added a new medication called brupione. I will see how that goes. >> I get extremely embarrassed when I am in a depressive episode. And not only that, doing stuff is very hard. >> Next Sunday, I have a rehearsal for the play I will *hopefully* do in Christmas. >> The last three days were shitty as fuck? Certainly. But I am glad I am learning how to intervene quickly. >> I completely stopped my visualization challenge. But I did it today. Well, you can say that it worked. After all, I went to the consultation. I think I will simplify the challenge to "visualize freely for 5 minutes". And to finish everything off, here is a quote I really like by one of the highest authorities in maniac-depression illness. I highly recommend her book "An Unquiet Mind". I am planning to write a review of this book and post it on the forum. Anyway, here it is:

July 29th, 11:30 AM Depressed. Once again. I mean, why do I feel this way? Will I have a chance to have some stability in my life? Or will I always fall on my ass and feel shitty sooner or later? I don’t know if any medication will work for me. I am tired of feeling like I am a “waste of space”. I am fed up with feeling like an old age person who is about to die. I'm filled with a illusory nostalgia and a sense of emptiness, as if I am not alive -- just a zombie. When I feel like this, it is as if nothing will improve. Time keeps passing, and I still feel like no one understands me deep down. It’s just… shitty. I feel very impotent. And I just can’t afford being depressed. I am not a very young person anymore. All I want to do is to sleep. Escape from reality. I just want to feel okay…

Oh, there goes the nonduality police lol. Of course I have used a lot of "I"s. This is a personal journal. I am writing about my life.

July 28th, 10:08 AM Here I am again. Body's stiff af. Very demotivated to do stuff. Fearing I will always feel like this. Tired of dealing with my mental illness. I know that I will be okay sooner or later. It's just that.... it's hard to deal with hard days. But I guess I should expect hurdles. After all, it is a war. That being said, there are other things I have to deal with, for example, taking action and buying a new mattress and pillow. I have been procrastinating to do this. But I am in a point that this is a priority. Everyday I wake up feeling achy and tensed up (especially in my shoulder, and middle and up back) I will have to take an extra pill. I will probably sleep. I think I have been sleeping too much. But at least when I sleep, I have chance of waking up feeling better. This med does give me a repairing sleep. I want to find a good dosage for my the medication that will prevent me to dive deep into darkness. Maybe I am clinging too much to this medication. Maybe it is not doing me so well as I thought. I don't agree with my current dosage. I think I am taking it too much during the evening. But how I am supposed to say that to my psychiatrist, if I am not feeling better? When I am, I feel like I can say whatever I want. When I am not, I feel the world will not listen to me, and that I will not have the will-power to be assertive. Maybe I should try to find a new one. I don't really like him. I don't resonate with him. He's professional and shit, but that's not enough for treating depression on its full magnitude. I guess that's it for now. I will take the pill, and hope I will feel better. I don't know... I just feel tired. @zeroISinfinity Thanks!

27th July, 3:02 PM "You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it." -- Margaret Tatcher HELLO, DEPRESSION, MY OLD FRIEND? I woke up feeling okay and motivated to do my stuff. Then, as time passed, bad feelings started to come up: irritation, hopelessness, despair. Depression is not something that goes away very easily. It tends to come back in sneakier ways. Then, I took an extra pill of my medication, and slept. Now, I am feeling better. NEW MATTRESS - A PRIORITY I know I have been saying this a lot, but I definitely need a new mattress. I woke with my shoulder, and my up and middle back tensed and in pain. I took a painkiller. DEPRESSION, I HATE YOU Depression is a fucking scary illness. When it happens, it feels like I am about to die. Not fun at all. And it seems as if there is no joy in the world. And that I will always feel like that. All sense of hope and optimism vanishes. GRATITUDE! >> I am grateful that I have this medication. >> I am really grateful that I took the first step in November of 2018 to go to a psychiatrist. Before so, I thought: I didn’t need one I was supposed to get rid of depression by myself Medication would not work for my case >> Proactively seeking help was a very humbling experience << AVOIDING MEDICATION It’s so crazy to think how many things I tried to stabilize my mood. And I never thought medication could do so. Right in this moment, I am not in my best mood, but at least I am not in that downward spiral anymore. And I can have a sense of optimism. I am now able to see that many good things have been happening in my life, and that I am on my way to a brighter future! FEAR OF NOT ACCOMPLISHING A GOAL When the depression kicked in, I started to doubt myself if I will be able to do a children’s play I will do in December. Last year, I had to quit because the depression had hit too hard, so I was feeling very bad, and therefore couldn’t take on the challenge. REMINDER: I AM IN STILL RECOVERY PHASE! I am still in a recovery phase. I have to be extra patient with myself, and avoid at all costs giving in to despair. There is always a way! I am already grateful for all the progress I have made. Seriously, it's mind-blowing. I wasn't living; I was surviving. That's a huge result! Hooray for me!

26th July, 9:32 NEW MATTRESS - A PRIORITY! I slept well today, but my mattress is still making me wake up with my body stiff and achy. I need to solve this ASAP. I have two options: buying a 1500$ mattress of a traditional company (Americanflex), or buying a 2500$ from a new company startup (Zissou). I think I will buy the second option, because they allow me to test the mattress for 100 days, and if I am not satisfied, they will offer a 100% refund. Goal: By August 15th, I want to have a new mattress and pillow by www.zissou.com.br + By July 30th, I want to say clearly to my dad that I want this specific mattress and pillow. GOING BACK TO TEACHING - NOT YET! I was thinking of getting back to teach private classes of languages, but yesterday I was talking with my dad, and I am clearly not ready for talking a lot. Goal: Schedule a session with speech therapist for next week. ORGANIZING IS NOW PLEASANT (THANKS TO MEDICATION) Yesterday I cleaned up and organized my room. It was very satisfying. I love how this medication has helped me be more concentrated. One of the least talked about symptoms of depression is poor cognitive skills. Goal: Keep my room organized until next Monday (30th July) GOOD-BYE, PREGABALINE! I haven’t had any anxiety attacks, which is great. I feel safe to not take Pregabaline anymore. Goal: Check daily if I am having too much pain, or anxiety attacks. If so, contact my psychiatrist. PASSPORT This is an important action. Goal: Today I will go renew my passport. GOALS TO ACHIEVE BY THE END OF THE YEAR: > Become a Portuguese citizen (December/19) > Get my driver’s license (October/19) > Earn $500 per month from working as a freelancer (November/19) Goal: Rate each of these three as to how meaningful they are to me + change something to the goal to make it more personally meaningful and specific (July 30th) NEO-LIBERAL CONVENTION Goal: Go to a convention of a neo-liberal movement of Brazil called MBL on this weekend (28 or 29th July) PEOPLE ARE HEADING IN THE WRONG DIRECTION!!! I can see how people are heading completely in the wrong direction. People are too hurried, too anxious, and too impatient. This reminds me that it is said that when the Buddha achieved Enlightenment, he went back to the city, and saw everybody was trying to be happy, but they were all going exactly in the OPPOSITE direction to happiness. It is said that tears of compassion came to his eyes. >> Most people do not understand the importance of letting things marinate <<. to marinate letting something soak in, leave time for reflection I'm not ready to decide yet, I'm gonna let it marinate for a while. #soak#ponder#think about#evaluate#mature (Source: Urban Dictionary) 4TH DAY - BASIC SELF-HELP CHALLENGE I have decided to do: >> 5 minutes of planning >> 5 minutes of reading goals out loud + repeating 3x affirmations >> 5 minutes of visualization Goal: Create a new journal for this challenge (do it by July 30th) Thanks for reading! All types of feedback are welcomed in this journal! So if you want to tell me something, go ahead! I won't take it personally! That being said, compliments are also welcomed, hehe!

Stop seeing the ego as an enemy. The more you fight it, the stronger it becomes. It is just like walking a dog: the more you push it, the more it pushes you back. Wanna hear a real action that could produce massive results?

Very nice.

Yes, there are clear differences.

July 25th, 3:29 PM ANXIETY ATTACK I had a minor anxiety attack yesterday. I stopped with one of the medication called Pregabaline by myself. I think it was increasing my apettite and making me gain weight. It allegedly works for chronic pain and anxiety. I don’t think it was working, so I decided to stop. To get rid of the anxiety, I took an extra more pill of my Seroquel XRO (my regular medication), and it worked! I am so grateful to have this medication. Whenever I am having a panic attack, I know that I can take it, and that it will work. This is such a necessary relief. GREAT SELF-HELP BOOK I have been reading the book Principles of Success For Teens a lot. I am learning a lot from it, such as: >> Take risks >> Ask for what you want >> If someone rejects, remember that there are more than 6 billion people on Earth FEEDBACK - TO HEAR OR NOT TO HEAR In a lot of chapter, they talk about how great inventors had to ignore what other people said and pursued their dream with tenacity. On the other hand, sometimes they talk the importance to hear feedback. This is, therefore, a contradiction. Using my common sense, I would say it boils down to recognizing when it is worthy to consider someone’s feedback, when to ignore, or when to talk about it with the person to better understand it. >> It all depends on the context and circumstance. << I think I have listened too much advice to the letter, so I think it is healthy for me to be a little “stubborn” and “egoic”. So that I can counterbalance that. That being said, if I am grasping an idea too much, it is probably a sign that I am heading in the wrong direction. NEUROTIC OVERACHIEVER With this book, it is very easy to become a neurotic overachiever. I am glad I am on medication, otherwise I would have likely gotten obsessive about making progress in my life. DEPRESSED PEOPLE WHO ARE IN DENIAL Lots of people who are clearly depressed are in denial. For example, I like an YouTuber called “CG Kid”. He does videos on drugs. He was a poly-addict. And he said in a livestream that over the past year and a half he has been depressed as fuck. But he does not see that he needs professional help. But anyway, that’s not my problem! SELF-CONFIDENCE The fact that I went through an anxiety attack yesterday shook my self-confidence a little bit. But because it only lasted for 2 hours, I am able to regain my confidence pretty quickly. I organized and cleaned some areas of my house today. It was pretty rewarding and it helped to boost my self-confidence. UNSOLICITED ADVICE OUT OF NOWHERE Long story short, I have two friends who are professional procrastinator, so we are never able to hang out with each other. So I was being persistent in asking when they could meet up. And I fucking hate this trend nowadays of leaving people -- who are intimate -- on read. So I was putting question marks until they gave me an answer. And then, of them gave me told me in a very passive-aggressive way that I “should find a job to have an outlet.” Since I am being so inconvenient, I put the group on mute now. If I were to answer him, I would give a very angry reply. So I preferred to retreat. What really bothered me is that my other friend didn’t say nothing. I was very disappointed. I wasn’t being that needy and clingy. I just wanted to be the one who takes initiative to make things happen. 30-DAY BASIC SELF-HELP CHALLENGE - 3RD DAY The challenge is doing well! Today was much softer and easier than yesterday. I am getting good at this! >> I will try to create a new journal for this challenge tomorrow. << Thank you for reading!!

Taking "a lot of" 5-MeO-DMT will not likely make you attain Enlightenment; but instead go mad. Lol. Too much light too fast will blind you.