kag101

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It's like a open wound. If you keep on touching it, it will not heal. I agree with @tsuki in the sense that you have to stop contacting him. I recommend you remove anything that makes you remember of him. Don't contact him (obviously). But also, for example, don't see his stories on Instagram, etc. Letting go isn't easy or quick. And compassion/forgiveness aren't always fluffy — both can be raw. Watch Leo's video on feminine vs masculine compassion.

Do you have emotional childhood trauma?

Nice! I think you should totally give it a try, and see if you resonate with the doctor. Good luck!

It is normal to fluctuate, but if it is extreme like you're describing (one day you're at cloud nine; then, the next one you're feeling like crap for no apparent reason); then it is not a sign of growth. Stability is very important. I used to "spiritualize" my clinical depression by saying that it was an ego backlash. I was seeing my "ego" as some sort of a demon — as if there was a part in me that wanted to fuck up my life. Now that I am treating my illness, I see that what I was experiencing was not normal.

The biggest problem is inside your own head. You've got to find a way to accept your height as it is. Yes, I know... easier said than done... This video has a very powerful visualization that can really help you:

You should go to a psychiatrist. No meditation, no breathing techniques, no psychedelics.

Have you ever gone to a doctor to help you with that?

What were you trying to say?

Be careful! I don't think what you're going through is healthy.

what's your concern with having this surgery?

You take one hour to make your breakfast? Omg... Maybe you're doing too many practices. Less is more!

Weird feeling: caused by sleep quality? The last two days were pretty odd. I still don't know 100% what happened, but it sure was scary. I think it might have something to do with my sleep. I have been taking a sleep-inducing med, which is great and nonaddictive. I have a problem falling asleep at the same time everyday. I usually end up getting distracted and going to bed at late night. So this med helps with that. The only problem is that I usually end up having to sleep from 8-9 hours. And if I wake up earlier than that, I get groggy. And I also got a depression relapse triggered by lack of good sleep. So I'm always worried of messing up with my sleep. I plan to go back to college next year. And I prefer to study in the morning that in the evening, so I am not sure if I will have a hard time waking up. And I fear that this might disturb my mental health. I decided experiment with that. So I set an alarm for 7 hours after I fell asleep. I managed to wake up, and was apparently okay. Then, at about 7pm, I started to get sleepy followed by a weird feeling. It's hard to describe what it was. I was kind of foggy, confused, and anxious. Even though I didn't really feel like it, I had dinner then I walked my dog (as usual). Crying Then, some hours later, I began crying. There were reasons for that though. It wasn't just a cry out-of-nowhere sorta thing, which is something that would make more worried. The main trigger was that a person who I used to talk and go out with is apparently not interested in me anymore (not as even a friend). I got really upset, because it's always very fun when we get together. And for some reason, I had a pretty irrational thought that I would only have happy moments if I was having out with him. But truth is, my happiness comes from within. I'm not going to say that "I'm self-sufficient, and therefore don't need anybody to be happy". No. But I can certainly meet with other people who I can share good moments with. I think I cried for about 20 minutes. And in the moment, it felt good. I felt like I was releasing a lot of emotional garbage. I thought about a lot of things, such as my grandma (who passed away a few months ago), people who I used to be close with, things I went through in my life, etc. Then, I went to sleep. Scary wave of anxiety I had installed an alarm on my phone, and it started beeping very early. But it wasn't loud enough for me to actually wake up, so I guess that disturbed my sleep. After some hours that I had waken up, I started to feel really anxious. Months ago, my doctor prescribed me Xanax to use it in an emergency, that is, a really bad anxiety attack. Fortunately, I never had to use it. All the times that I have felt really anxious I was able to cope with it in natural ways. But it's certainly good to have an SOS sorta thing. My breathing was really shallow and it was starting to get painful. I was also feeling physically tired, which maybe had to do with all the crying I did the day before. Documentary about Avicii: made me feel sad and heavy A few days ago, I watched a documentary about the Swedish music producer Avicii. It's called True Stories. It's basically about all of his career, and his health problems due to stress. Towards the end, when he was about to announce that he would stop touring, I could see myself in him. For example, the fact that he was getting anxious just by his agent telling him about the concerts he had to do. The documentary ended in a positive way. He was just focusing on making his music, and was in a relaxing place with friends and his dog. But.... some months later, he killed himself. And I got really touched by that. I think the weird feeling I got these past two days also have to do with watching this documentary. It was really emotionally heavy. Support system: professionals + friends + family Back to my story, I contacted my psychologist and psychiatrist. It's so freaking helpful to have a solid support system. I can count on them. They care about me, and they're good professionals. Are they alone the solution to all my life's problems? Certainly not. But both of them can help me find the right direction in life. I don't automatically assume that everything that say is true—they are not my "masters". But I feel like when I talk especially with my psychotherapist it feels as if I get "calibrated". After that, I used my rationality to come up with a strategy to deal with this problem. Having a relaxing carefree moment I contacted a friend to see if she wanted to hang out with me. I suggested we went to a park. Lately I have been thinking a lot about finances and how to save money. So I was somewhat hesitant to take an uber, but because I was feeling down, I didn't think twice and simple went. First, we went to a place to have some Açaí. It was good. At first, I was low on energy, but I was there. I was kinda exhausted emotionally, but I wasn't depressed. I wasn't talking a lot, but I was present. I felt more like listening than talking. But gradually I started feeling better. Then, we went to the park. It felt good to be in nature. See the sky, hear the birds chirping. And most importantly, have a relaxing moment. This is so freaking important. In the past days, I was doing things that were the perfect recipe for feeling like crap: • Dwelling too much on the suffering aspect of life (e.g., watching that documentary) • Using the internet and electronic devices way too much • Focusing too much on death. The death of my grandma, the "death" of some relationships (romantically or not), the "death" of periods of my life, etc. • Worrying too much about my future, and putting too much unnecessary pressure on myself. For instance, I am insecure about going back to college because I don't know if I will succeed. But if I happen to fail on that project, it's not the end of the world. So the pressure is self-inflicted. So it was great to take a break from all of that. Here's a picture of me yesterday: It seems like I'm a happy person all the time. Lol. Before this picture, I had gone through 2 really hard days. So just because someone is genuinely smiling doesn't mean they're well in general. That's not my case, but for example, there are some pictures of Chester Bennington hours before his death, and he was smiling. I'm not going to post this image because it would be too sad. Thanks for reading!

Nice

How long have you been feeling well? For how long did you feel depressed and suicidal? Where did you about learn about all of this hormones replacement?

Well, it might have done some damage, but it probably is something temporary. A bigger problem would be if you were still using psychedelics... They are known for triggering paranoia, for example. A similar thing happened to me. But, unlike you, I was in denial. That is, I was interpreting the whole thing as something spiritual. As if I was entering the energy field of the collective unconscious. I thought I was waking up spiritually. Little did I know, I was going mad. I had to hit rock bottom to go to a psychiatrist. And let me tell you, dude, it really helped. I was getting "flashbacks" of that state of insanity regularly, even without using any type of mind altering substance. That shit was scary af. So I ended up having to take an antipsychotic for about 3 months or so. And it was crucial to my mental health.

Finances: it's hard to make progress Finances is something that I kinda suck at. I don't have a proper control, and this can be a big source of anxiety. I don't want to solve this problem by being neurotic. Sometimes I don't feel like I deserve to get a lot of money, success, etc. People I have been talking with I haven't talked much with people (through messaging) lately. I am pretty minimalist. If I don't feel like talking with someone, I will not. Breaks are important so that the relationship gets fresh again. I have started to talk with a girl who is interesting. I don't know about other countries, but where I live is really hard to get matches on Tinder with girls. It's pretty annoying and frustrating. But I'm glad I have finally started to talking with one who I find attractive, nice, and who is also interested in me. Hehe... Everything good except one thing There's a person who I've been talking with who really resonates with me. I've been talking with him over the last 5 months, but we haven't met irl. I have been trying not to have too much expectation. I know that any type of bond – romantic or not – takes time to consolidate. It's a matter of having experiences with the other person, and seeing how he or she treated me. It's kinda tempting when meeting with someone I resonate with to create way too much expectation. In this case, I think it's a reciprocal thing. Whenever we talk he is always sweet. The only thing that kinda annoys me is the fact that I am always the one who sends the first message, I haven't sent any over the last week, and neither has he. This is frustrating. Sometimes I think, "What's the difficulty with sending a freaking 'hi'?" Honestly, this is making me kinda lose interest in him. It's not an egoic thing. I'm fine with starting the conversation most times, but not all the times. Let's see how that goes... Self-love On the other hand, I am in a phase of self-love, and I have been thinking about romantic love as something lame tbh. Just a stupid illusion. I'm glad I'm not one of those people who are addicted to romance/relationships. For the most part of my life, I was on the other side of the spectrum. But now I am beginning to learn how to allow myself to have feelings from someone -- but to also counterbalance that with self-love/life purpose.

Have you been diagnosed with clinical depression?

Are you taking Adderall under medical supervision?

What have you changed? Exactly. Do you like them in general?

Have you removed everything that reminds you of him (his social medias, presents, etc)?

Obviously not.

Good. I think you have to be strategic. I know that it can suck to go back living with your parents. But getting neurotic about that will not help. So I think it's important to be resilient, understand that it is something temporary, and find ways to not freak out (for example, limiting how much time you spend with them). Can you explain in greater detail what does it mean for your "ego" to be wrapped up around the notion of being smart? Very good ?????

Are you still taking psychedelics? Forget about spirituality and just do mundane stuff. Spend time with your family, cook, watch a movie, etc.

https://www.additudemag.com/oppositional-defiant-disorder-in-adults/