kag101

Have a great year!

How long have you been using psychedelics?

Omg, I hadn't got the notification for your reply U_U Why is marriage a top priority for you? That must've been tough... You had never fantasized sexually with a guy before that? I'm glad you realized that this is not healthy. Have a great 2021!!! =)

Welcome, 2021! New challenge in about a month! I've been wanting to write here, but every time that I start I end up not finishing. Since it's the beginning of the year, I think it's a good time to do so. 2020 was a year of a lot of growth for me. And I think 2021 will also be. Hopefully it will be easier. I will go back to college in about a month. I stopped in 2016. And it was a big journey during those 5 years. I was very immature back then. Now, I feel like I have proper support and am not in a lot of pressure like I was back then. I'm really glad that I'm doing well in my recovery from depression & trauma. There's a quote I like that says: "Trauma is hell on Earth, and healed trauma is a gift from the Gods". So grateful I took the first step I'm proud of myself and of how I handled 2020. I'm so grateful that I took the first step back in 2018, when I sought professional help. It took a year for me to get stabilized, but omg is it worth it. And the growth that I've had is beyond my expectations. It took a while to "hit the knee of the curve". I'm also training myself to be less hypersensitive, and it feels great. My intention for 2021 I've set the following intention for this year: "I'll get it right". This affirmation has helped me to be more confident. If I'm about to do something, and I am in a hesitant/insecure mindset, then I'm bound to fail. If, on the other hand, I am able to convince myself that I'm capable, then my odds of succeeding get much higher. This is not to say that if I fail, I will get super frustrated. No. It's just a different way to approach challenges. A fake it till you make it kinda thing. Self-fulling prophecy. Believe you will pull it off, and you're halfway there. Brute force is not the answer! Insecurity is a bitch. And what I've found over the years is that you can't overcome it through brute force. For instance I used to say to myself: "Fuck this self-doubt. I'm just gonna fucking do it no matter what." >> this is highly neurotic and doesn't work in the long run. It eventually backfires. It has to be a gradual process. A lot of self-negotiation has to take place. I feel sorry for some people here I was reading some topics here on the forum, and I get baffled sometimes. Some people are so lost. One guy's goal for the year was to trip on 6g of shrooms or something. The path of psychedelics is very dangerous. People think those substances are always benign, but that is not the case. I used ayahuasca for about a year, and it's clear how I was getting sick (physically and mentally). I was losing a lot of weight, and was definitely not healthy mentally. But anyway, I'll focus on my path and give my 2 cents here every now and then. @RendHeaven Thanks ??

December 2nd 2019, 1:41 PM Hello To All I used to have this journal when I started my depression treatment. I think I am in a new phase now. My depression is apparently under control, so I want to create this new journal to be more action-oriented. Rebuidlng myself, kind of thing. 15 Positive Things I Have Been Doing 1) I have been taking keyboard classes over the last 3-4 months. I have been really enjoying it. I don't really practice at home, because my piano has very hard notes - which makes my fingers and arm tired. I want to buy a keyboard. I have found one that costs about U$450. It's a Yamaha YPT-360. Here it is: 2) I have been doing psychotherapy over the last 6 months. And, boy, oh boy has it helped me! I never thought therapy could be so powerful. For a very long time, I tried to do personal development by myself. And it's just too hard. This belief that "I can do it all by myself" is very counterproductive, and produces a lot of suffering and frustration. VERY IMPORTANT: I have stopped caring so much about what "digital influencers" talk about life. That is, I used to really take to heart what, say, Joe Rogan or Leo would say. But, since I am doing psychotherapy, I don't deal with my emotional life through the Internet... My therapist has very, if you will, feminine qualities. If you have seen Leo's video on compassion, she uses a lot of feminine compassion. That is, she doesn't tell me in a very straight forward way what I should or should not do. She is a great listener, and she's very thoughtful of what the words she uses. She makes me have very good insights. 3- I am with a new psychiatrist. He's much better than the last one. I mean, he's not the best psychiatrist, but he's good enough. Right now, I am using two medications: quetiapine (sedative effect) and bupropion (energy effect). I think it's working. He has commented about using a psycho-stimulant medication, such as Ritalin or Vyvanse. We have tried Ritalin, and it simply didn't work with me. I am afraid of getting dependent or addicted to Vyvanse. But anyway... 4- My relationships now have healthy boundaries. I don't feel guilty for not wanting to hang out with a person, for example. 5- I have been able to keep my room organized and clean. 6- I have stopped with weed and rapé (aka shamanic snuff). The truth is: I cannot use any psychoactive substances... 7- I have been drinking coffee more regularly. It helps me to have more motivation and energy. (I am kind of afraid of getting dependent on it. I will try to take a 2-3 day break.) 8- My soccer team is very worse off. But I am learning to support it in the good and the bad phases. 9- My relationship with my father's family is getting very good. I am happy about it. 10- I am planning to take Spanish classes in the near future. 11- I have been walking my dog daily. We only walk one block. And it's a symbiotic thing: it helps my dog, and it helps me. 12- I have gone back to practicing yoga. By myself, and in a very gentle way. I used to do yoga in a very neurotic way, to achieve "Enlightenment". 13- I am watching a very good TV show with my mom. It's called Gilmore Girls. It's pretty old (20 years), but I really like it. 14- I have been keeping a private journal. And I have also started to write some short fictional stories. 15- I have been reading more. Not as much as I'd like to, but it's good enough, I guess. If you have any questions or comments, please write here. Thank you!

Stop with this simplistic idea of "approaching no matter what". This neurotic attitude of yours can make you look creepy. Use common sense!

@Milos Uzelac Good luck on your exams! And I hope the financial situation of your family gets stabilized so you can study without worrying about seeking a job. Keep us posted!

I think you're overconceptualizing. To me, this idea of "tuning in to your feelings" never worked. Paradoxically, this would make me go even more into my rational mind. What has helped me the most is to let my feelings course through me naturally -- with as less interference as possible.

Yes, it is paranoia. And I think you're overdoing psychedelics.

I agree. I always try to find an intersection of what I like and what the other person likes. Careful not to be arrogant. Socializing ain't quantum physics! If I could give you only one piece of advice, it would be to not force yourself too much and try to relax.

Who gave you this diagnostic?

The Universe doesn't give a fuc*.

This probably happens because you don't have enough practice.

That's good! I'm glad he's taking a rest, and not a hardcore solo retreat to become God or something — which is really exhausting). A break is very positive in order to get new insights and reflect. I also think that maybe he could upload 1 video every 2 weeks, instead of every week. Less is more!

To take more calculated risks (and be okay with making eventual mistakes).

I don't buy into that "everything is a dream" hypothesis. It simply can't be 100% proved. And on a practical level, believing so has never helped me in any way. It just gave a feeling of detachment towards life. And I also think it's pretty arrogant to think that the whole Universe is a fruit of my imagination. Whether the world is real on an ultimate level doesn't matter to me. It is the realest thing there is. What I do know that is an illusion is what I project onto the world. That is, my perceptions, my opinions, my thoughts, judgements, etc. This is all fabricated in the brain. At one moment of my life, I simply internalized this belief that physical reality isn't real -- because "spiritual masters" said so. And I'm much happier and healthier now that I block any type of thought such as "all of what I'm seeing on the outside world is nothing but an appearance".

What problems does chewing tobacco bring you?

Be gentle with yourself!

Interesting point. Tbh, she seems way too insecure. Well, you don't really need to find another partner. Sometimes it's positive to be single. Wut? So basically you haven't had a true experience with a guy. I think it would be very beneficial in terms of personal development if you actually had real experiences, not just a fantasy inside your mind. This could be something that would make you grow a lot. Some other questions: 1- Was it easy internally for you to accept your sexuality? 2- Do you love your wife? Have a good weekend!

Stop trying to "be confident", and focus on being natural.

You're planning to fast for a WHOLE MONTH?!

Wow, what a difficult situation you're going through. Some questions: Does your marriage make sense to you? Like, what does it benefit you? If your wife is very "traditional", then it'll be hard to let your feminine side flourish. And what's that thing about projecting the sexual energy? I didn't quite understand. Have you ever been with other guys? Best of luck!

That's tough. It's hard to stay motivated without getting results. Did he get a better score than before, at least?

Interesting read. Great to hear that you're better off, and that you're giving guitar classes. Do you enjoy them? As with psychedelics and weed, I know how seductive they can be, especially for a spiritual-seeker, because they change your perception on reality and can offer you very interesting insights. Problem is, those substances are widely known for triggering paranoia, psychosis, and depersonalization on some individuals. Myself included. So it ends up being a jack-pot. And the more trips I had, the higher were the odds of having a bad trip. In the beginning, most of them were magical and transformative. But eventually they started to harm me. It's like a relationship. In the beginning it was awesome, But then, it became toxic. So I had to quit., which was not easy Even though they're not physically addictive, they can be really psychologically addictive. In my case, it was as if I had to trip every weekend to "fill my serotonin tank".