Moving on has become less strange. What had to be left behind is slowly but surely fading away. Like a dying star. Once reality - now a memory. And not even that.
I still wake up and fall asleep thinking about her. She's still wandering in my mind. I still don't know the truth. I still don't have the answers. I spent two years with this woman and now nearly six months away from her... And I still have no fucking clue who she is. I don't think she knows it either. Such is deceit.
It's been a wild journey, to say the least. These last couple of months have been filled with all kinds of challenges, traps, tests.
My new life in Amsterdam is a dream, a nightmare. Organized chaos. Heaven and hell. A story filled with horror and delight. I've burned all my bridges. There is no going back from here, and it's no accident, really. I've chosen this path, consciously, deliberately and on purpose, and I would choose it all over again, a million more times. Nothing else seems worthwhile, or even worthy of consideration. This is what's meant for me. This is my will. This is my fate.
And there's no one else here but me.
Not a single familiar face or voice. Not a single known thing or being. Pure, unknown wilderness. Raw and untested. Uncharted territory. Spiritually, physically, mentally, emotionally. On all levels of being.
I stopped counting the breakthroughs, level ups, upgrades and updates. Awakenings and transformations. At this point, the expansion is pretty much continuous, uninterrupted.
Does this mean life is all rainbows and butterflies? Of course not. I said there was growth and expansion. Which means there is pain, fear and struggle as well. How else could it be...
I got rid of the Polish ex gang leader, at least for a week. He's gone to some other place. Might not ever see him again. I kind of hope I won't. We did become good friends in these past couple of weeks, and we helped each other out quite a bit... However, it's clear as day to me that I must keep my distance. We are coming from two different worlds, and I know how that story usually ends.
All in all, all is well.
I am determined to face and overcome any and all obstacles of delusion, and I welcome all trials and tribulations with an open heart. I am armed, guarded and protected. I've got big guns behind me. God is on my side. I feel it, I know it.
Commitment. Devotion. Passion. Love.
I am on track and I know I am heading towards victory and glory. The ultimate wish fulfilment. The dream come true.
Whatever and whoever tried to stop me, failed miserably. I have simply become too powerful. Too focused. Unshakable. Immovable. Immutable.
Nothing can ever stop me now. Yet being stopped before getting a chance to taste the fruit made of all this blood, sweat and tears... is what I fear the most.
